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A Chance At Good-Bye (Part 1)



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Sat May 07, 2011 8:37 pm
silentwords says...



Spoiler! :
This is the first part, and I will post the second part later. I am not too sure what I am going to title it, so if you have any suggestions please let me know. All suggestions and corrections are greatly appreciated. Btw, I know it is kind of long, but I have a problem with that. Hope it's not too boring :wink:


I awoke to the steady beat of pacing footsteps. My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a teenage boy, around the age of seventeen like myself, who was pacing in a circle at the foot of my hospital bed. I had yet another visitor, however his curly black hair and small golden eyes didn't seem the least bit familiar. With the amount of drugs the nurses have been giving me over the past few days, I didn't give it another thought. My unknown visitor had now stopped walking, and was staring down at me from the foot of my bed in an unnerving way. His dark clothes contrasted against the bleached whiteness that filled the room.
His melodious voice drifted towards me, “Hello there Harmony, I’m Hades.”
I winced from the pain of my broken ribs, as I awkwardly hoisted myself up. "Hi, Hade." I greeted him politely.
His voice deepened slightly with aggravation. “Not Hade, Hades.” He put extra emphasis on the 's'.
Well clearly he didn't care that I was in pain. “Oh.” I pouted my lips. “As in the God of the Underworld?”
“Precisely.” He beamed.
That seemed like an odd figure to be named after. “Why did you parents name you after him?” I tried my best not to sound rude.
He sighed deeply before clarifying, “I’m not named after him, I am him. Tada.” He rolled his eyes as he twinkled his fingers for extra measure.
My eyebrows drew in together. “Excuse me?”
“I said that I am Hades, God of the Underworld.”
I stared blankly at him, not too sure how to respond.
“Okay, I know you humans are a little slow, but it shouldn’t be that difficult to comprehend.”
I knew that this had to be some weird joke, but I decided to play along. When you have been cooped up in a hospital bed for the past week, you’ll pounce on any opportunity for amusement. “Okay, then why are you a teenager? Shouldn’t you be all big and scary? The most dangerous thing that you look like you are capable of doing is breaking some girl’s heart.” I said with a smirk.
He narrowed his amber eyes on me as he hissed, “Look who has an attitude.” His face then relaxed and his voice lightened with delight. “Perhaps you aren’t as awful as I had suspected. Oh, and by the way Harmony, if I was in my normal form you would burst into flames. No big.”
“Burst into flames?” I tried to contain the laughter that was bubbling within me.
“Yes, and if you like I could demonstrate but then you would be dead, which means I couldn’t gloat. That would be quiet a waste now wouldn’t it. Oh wait! I’m the God of the Underworld, so we would meet again. So… what do you say? Are you up for a little gamble?” He finished with a wink. His malevolent words didn’t match his overjoyed tone.
I didn’t know who this kid was, but he was taking this game a little too far. My eyes bounced uneasily around the room before falling back on his. “No thanks, I think I’m good.”
“Good, you finally believe me, because this interrogation was becoming very tiresome.” The boy said dryly.
“Wait, you were being serious? I thought this was some kind of strange joke or game.” I replied with a laugh.
He massaged his forehead with his hand, making himself look about thirty years older. When he was finished he raised one long, thin finger and aimed it at the wall above my head. As he slid his finger horizontally, the wall made a screeching sound as it parted. When he was done I tentatively slipped my finger into the gap with fearful awe.
I spun my head back around to face him. The words escaped from my flopped open mouth, “What did you just do?!” I squeaked in horror.
He shrugged his shoulders as he nonchalantly answered, “I made a small incision in the wall above your stubborn little head.”
“I can see that! But why?”
His smooth face formed into a smile. “Oh, because you didn’t believe me, and I couldn’t bear to waste any more time, sweet pea.”
My stomach twisted into a tight knot and I felt like I was going to be sick. I could feel the colour draining from my face as my brain slowly realized what was happening. I was talking to an actual god, or someone with freaky super-natural powers at the very least. Either way, I had plenty of reason to be scared speechless.
He watched my reaction meticulously. He then crossed his arms across his chest as he waited for my frozen body to defrost.
“H-how is this possible?” I sputtered.
I could see the humour in his eyes. “Because it is. Why are humans alive? Why did I get stuck with being the God of the Underworld? Why do you petty little humans think that I am so terrible? Humph, these are all great questions that will never be answered. Anyway, let’s move on. I am here because it seems like you have a small predicament on your hands. You see, you checked in on my list.”
“What list?”
“I was getting to that.” He furrowed his eyebrows and deepened his voice. His voice lightened as he continued. “It is my list of all the people who have died. When someone dies, they check in on my list. At the end of the week, Hermes has to wrangle up all the dead souls and bring them to my kingdom. If there are any issues, then I sometimes get involved. Depends on my mood.”
Panic and fear surged through my body like a hot flame. I could feel my palms beginning to sweat as I spluttered, “B-b-but I’m not dead, right? I mean, aren’t I still alive?”
“Relax cupcake, you are still alive. See, now that’s the big problemo. You are on my list, yet here you are still alive and well…I suppose. Anyway, do I ignore the list, or your heartbeat?”
I could hear my heart monitor beeping loudly as my heart rate increased. “The list.”
“Yes, but that wouldn’t really coincide with my mean and ruthless image. Even Gods have to live up to expectations, you know.”
“You can change your image. This could be a brand new start for you. What do you think?” I forced a grin.
“No.” Hades replied simply.
“No?” My voice cracked.
“Oh calm down, I’m not going to kill you, even though I easily could, but I’m not. So, please relax because your little machine thing is going crazy. I don’t want all of the nurses running in here. Instead, I am going to offer you a little proposition.” He clasped his hands together and the gold specks in his eyes twinkled.
I wasn’t too sure what he was going to propose, but I said, “Okay”.
“I need your help with one of those troublesome souls. I need you to ease Aiden Keto’s guilt and convince him that his time on earth is finished.”
My heart sank. “Aiden Keto? But that’s… that’s my boyfriend.” I could feel the building tears sting my eyes as they tried to make their way through. I felt like time and everything else was frozen.
In an instant Aiden and I were back in his dad's black Honda Civic. The frigid air was engulfed in darkness as we were driving back from the late movie. It was around 12:30 in the morning and the road was deserted. We were laughing when he hit a patch of black ice. He swerved into the next lane of oncoming traffic. I looked up to see two blinding head lights coming straight towards us. A rush a fear surged through my body. I was screaming for him to move out of the way, and was even reaching up to grab the wheel from him, when everything went black. Within a second everything was gone. The bubbling laughter, the heart-wrenching fear, the panicked yelling, and the blinding headlights. They were all gone.
I don't remember what happened after that. I heard nothing, saw nothing, and thankfully felt nothing. Three days later I woke up in this awfully bright room with two crushed ribs, internal bleeding, a broken nose, and buried behind bruises and scratches. These all seemed insignificant when I found out I was waking up alone.
Bringing me back to reality and saving me from exploding into tears, was Hades’ sarcastic, “Yes... I know that is your boyfriend. That is why I am getting you to do it. See, it all makes sense. Who knew that evil could have a brain?”
“But…but he’s dead.”
My heart monitor was loudly beeping in tune with my fast heartbeat. Hades sighed, “Mhm, that’s right. If he wasn’t why would I waste my time here?” He paused as he glared at my obnoxious machine. “Can I just unplug that thing? It is really starting to get on my nerves. Not to mention that the nurses are going to think that you’re dying or something.” When I failed to respond, he strode over to my machine and starting poking at it. “So, you’re okay with me unplugging this right?”
My head snapped up to look at him. “No! I need that.”
“Why? I’m going to get you out of here anyway.”
I wrinkled up my forehead. “What do you mean?” I asked with hesitation.
He paced around the small room as he explained. “Well, you don’t look like you are in any condition to be walking, and wheeling around town will just take too long. Instead I’m going to fix you all up.” He paused momentarily. “Think of it as instant medicine or a super band aid.” Sarcasm danced along his words.
“You… you can do that?” I asked with obvious surprise.
“Yes.” He nodded slowly. “If I can kill, clearly I can heal.”
“I am actually getting out of here? You are going to put me back to normal?” I could feel the excitement explode within me.
“Yes, that is what I just said. Okay, what happened to you? We were making so much progress and then ka-plunk… we are back to square one.”
I scrunched up my face at him.
His golden jewel-like eyes stared me down intensely. Finally he said, “Okay, Hammy give me your hand. I’m going to fix you up.”
“Hammy?” My eyes instinctively ran down my body, as I figured he was calling me fat. Great, now I am fat and stupid.
He flashed me a boyish grin. “Yeah, it’s short for Harmony. I just thought of it now. What do you think?”
My eyes went wide and round as I stared at him mutely.
His smile vanished as he muttered, “Just give me your hand.”
~
I have finished the next part. If you aren't totally hating the story then I would love it if you could check it out! :D topic81545.html
Last edited by silentwords on Sat Jul 02, 2011 4:05 am, edited 9 times in total.
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 10:03 pm
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silentpages says...



"I awoke to the steady beat of pacing footsteps. My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a fifteen or sixteen year old boy with dark brown, curly hair and small golden eyes. My unknown visitor was staring down at me from the foot of my hospital bed in an uncomfortable way. His dark clothes contrasted against the bleached whiteness that filled the room."
When did he stop pacing and start just standing there? When her eyes started to open? If so, then make that clear.

"His melodious voice lingered towards me, “Hello there Harmony, I’m Hades.”" Lingered isn't being used correctly here. XD Drifted toward her, maybe? Or you could say that it lingered in the air after he spoke...

"He sighed deeply before clarifying, “I’m not named after him, I am him. Tada.” He rolled his eyes as he twinkled his fingers for extra measure." I love this god of the underworld. *v* Seriously, though, good job developing this character's personality very quickly.

"The most dangerous thing that you like you are capable of doing is breaking some girl’s heart." 'you like you' needs to be fixed. Also, it's a good line, but even average teenage boys are capable of some pretty dangerous stuff. Especially if they're delusional, and start to think that they're, oh, I dunno... a god? ;)

"As he slid his finger horizontally, the wall made a screeching sound as it parted. When he was done I slipped my finger into the gap with fearful awe. "
How to use your stupidity to lose a finger:
Step 1 - Demand proof from a god.
Step 2 - Insert finger into magical wall crack.
Step 3 - Have finger eaten by magical beasties that lurk within the magical wall crack.
Seriously, I'm picturing like a huge crevace or something. Something that I would NOT want to stick a finger into.

ZOMBIES. o.O This is how the infestation begins... ;)

"I wasn’t too sure what he was going to propose" -- Marriage. >:D

"He was driving us home from a late movie, when he hit a patch of black ice and spun out of control. We would have been alright, except that a drunk driver hit us." This really sucks for them. I mean, ice AND a drunk driver? o3o I would think that one or the other would be more than enough... Or maybe the drunk driver was the one who hit the ice... *shrug* I don't know. This whole crash-ey paragraph is a little info-dumpy, too. Maybe you could get this across more subtley? Little tiny flashback-emotions. "I remembered the ice, the headlights coming toward us. His mom crying the first time I woke up in my hospital room." You know. Stuff like that. The reader can probably infer the rest. Also, has she woken up in the hospital before this? Because in the beginning I would've said no, but since she already knows what happened and that her boyfriend is dead, that says to me that she's already been awake. If that's the case, maybe you could include that with the section where she's telling him that she's not dead "I didn't think I was dead. I hadn't been dead when I first woke up in the hospital, yesterday." Stuff like that.

When she says 'You'll put me back to normal?! 8D' I got the vibe that she was going to be paralyzed for life or something before. What exactly is the extent of her injuries? If it's nothing really, really serious, I would change that line.

"I could feel my cheeks heating up. My fingers traced along my lips as I shyly shrugged my shoulders." Dude. Her boyfriend just died. Why she getting all 'shy' all of a sudden, out of the blue?

I enjoyed this, and I think it's a good start. Just a couple of kinks to work out. I'm liking your characters (except for Harmony's 'shy' moment) and aside from that one paragraph or so, you're doing pretty good at showing versus telling. PM me or hit me up on my wall if you edit/post more. :)

Keep writing! :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 1:09 pm
MiRaCLeS says...



'Kay. To start of with, I'd like to say, no, this isn't boring. Not in the least.

I really like your characters there, especially Hades :). They aren't bland, boring and they have personality that ring through. Although, your Hades reminds me of Anubis from The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan. They seems a bit similar. But I don't have much of a problem with that.

silentwords wrote: My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a fifteen or sixteen year old boy with dark brown, curly hair and small golden eyes.

This sentence is incomplete. You have 'that' in the beginning and no further explanation. I think that you need to add something to finish it off. Like this:

My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a fifteen or sixteen year old boy with dark brown, curly hair and small golden eyes making the sound of footsteps


That or you can take out the 'that'. Also, the bit about how you're describing his hair seems a bit... off. I would reword it to "curly, dark brown hair" seems to flow better that way.

silentwords wrote:His melodious voice lingered towards me, “Hello there Harmony, I’m Hades.”

The word lingered doesn't really belong there. Lingered means 'stay in a place longer than necessary'. I'd recommend you change it to another word.

silentwords wrote:“Hi, Hade.” I awkwardly hoisted myself up as I greeted him politely.

Okay, so, Harmony wakes up and find a stranger at the foot of her bed. Isn't she going to be a bit confused and ask something? Like why is he here? Seems strange for someone to be so calm.

silentwords wrote:His voice deepened slightly with aggravation. “Not Hade, Hades.” He put extra emphasis on the "s".

I think that you should use a single quotation mark for the end. You need something to distinguish between speech and other things.

silentwords wrote:“Okay, I know you humans are a little slow, but it shouldn’t be that difficult to comprehend.”

I would put 'that' in italics. But, it's your choice, it works without the italics as well.

silentwords wrote:“Good, you finally believe me, because this was becoming very tiresome.” The boy said dryly.

Shouldn't the 'was' be an 'is'?

silentwords wrote:I was talking to an actual God, or someone with freaky super-natural powers at the very least.

Okay, I've heard somewhere that Greek gods don't get a capitalised 'g'. I'm not sure if it's true or not. But Rick Riordan seems to think it is.

silentwords wrote:“ H-how is this possible?” I sputtered.

This is probably a typo, but the space between the quotation mark and word isn't needed.

silentwords wrote:“What list?”
“I was getting to that.” He furrowed his eyebrows and deepened his voice. His voice lightened as he continued.

The spacing starts to change here. Before you had double space now you have one space. You need to keep the spacing consistent.

silentwords wrote:I could hear my heart monitor begin to beep as my heart rate increased. “The list.”

Shouldn't the heart monitor start to beep quicker?

silentwords wrote:He was driving us home from a late movie, when he hit a patch of black ice and spun out of control.

A full stops seems more appropriate here than a comma here.

Wow, that was long. But anyway, you have a very entertaining story there with brilliant chracters whose personality shine through brightly. Your writing style is also great. So, well, yes, no major criticism here. Good job on the story! :)
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 2:57 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hello Silentwords!


I think you have a pretty good start. Your portrayal of Hades as a comical and sarcastic character is very impressive and amusing. However, there are some things that you need to work on to your story:

First of all, there are no realistic emotions that I could witness here. Let's face the fact that Harmony has experienced this car crash and Aiden is dying, you tell us that she's crying. Okay, but it isn't good enough for us to sympathize her situation. You need more actions here, let it all pour out but not too much though.

I awoke to the steady beat of pacing footsteps. My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a fifteen or sixteen year old boy with dark brown, curly hair and small golden eyes. My unknown visitor was staring down at me from the foot of my hospital bed in an uncomfortable way. His dark clothes contrasted against the bleached whiteness that filled the room.
His melodious voice lingered towards me, %u201CHello there Harmony, I%u2019m Hades.%u201D
%u201CHi, Hade.%u201D I awkwardly hoisted myself up as I greeted him politely.
His voice deepened slightly with aggravation. %u201CNot Hade, Hades.%u201D He put extra emphasis on the %u201Cs%u201D.
%u201COh.%u201D I pouted my lips. %u201CAs in the God of the Underworld?%u201D
%u201CPrecisely.%u201D He beamed.


Try rereading this one again. Look how your two characters react and reply each other's questions. It seems not genuine. Should Harmony be all like, "Who are you?" Instead she speaks like, "Your Hades. Are you kidding me?" Remember that she's in a state of recovery, and in your story it doesn't seem to justify at all. Why do I feel like she appears pretty energetic here?

Second thing, you should watch out for your punctuations especially in dialogs.

Okay, then why are you a teenager? Shouldn't you be all big and scary? The most dangerous thing that you like you are capable of doing is breaking some girl's heart." I said with a smirk.



%u201CGood, you finally believe me, because this was becoming very tiresome." The boy said dryly.



EDIT:

As you see, you have ended the dialog with a period when it should've been comma. Why? It's because it follows a speech tag (such as 'he said' or 'she replied').

So this is the right way: "I am Hades," the boy said.

Third, we need more details. How come Aiden is dying and Harmony isn't? Show us more of your character's profile. But it doesn't mean that you should dump all of the informations here, no. Just a few drops here and there and try to support the main conflict in here.

Overall, this has potential. I know you want this story to be quite in a funny way but no matter how you wanted it to be comical, quality still counts. Let me know if you have any questions. :)

Keep writing,
Yuri
Last edited by Yuriiko on Mon May 09, 2011 1:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun May 08, 2011 4:23 pm
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



This is a really fun and fantastic story opening to a story you have here! I enjoyed reading it quite a lot :D It's fun, lighthearted, and really easy to read and understand. Now into specifics....

I awoke to the steady beat of pacing footsteps. My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a fifteen or sixteen year old boy with dark brown, curly hair and small golden eyes. My unknown visitor was staring down at me from the foot of my hospital bed in an uncomfortable way. His dark clothes contrasted against the bleached whiteness that filled the room.

His melodious voice lingered towards me, “Hello there Harmony, I’m Hades.”

“Hi, Hade.” I awkwardly hoisted myself up as I greeted him politely.

His voice deepened slightly with aggravation. “Not Hade, Hades.” He put extra emphasis on the “s”.

“Oh.” I pouted my lips. “As in the God of the Underworld?”

“Precisely.” He beamed.

That seemed like an odd figure to be named after. “Why did you parents name you after him?” I tried my best not to sound rude.

He sighed deeply before clarifying, “I’m not named after him, I am him. Tada.” He rolled his eyes as he twinkled his fingers for extra measure.

My eyebrows drew in together. “Excuse me?”

“I said that I am Hades, God of the Underworld.”

I love this opening dialogue. It sets the personality for both of the characters, and a great tone for the whole piece. I like how you've painted this opening scene, and it made me look forward to reading the rest! :D

“Okay, I know you humans are a little slow, but it shouldn’t be that difficult to comprehend.”

I knew that this had to be some weird joke, but I decided to play along. When you have been cooped up in a hospital bed for the past week, you’ll pounce on any opportunity for amusement. “Okay, then why are you a teenager? Shouldn’t you be all big and scary? The most dangerous thing that you like you are capable of doing is breaking some girl’s heart.” I said with a smirk.

There's a lot of personality in these to lines here! Although was there a typo in that last sentence? When it says "you like you"? Just wondering.

He narrowed his amber eyes on me as he hissed, “Look who has an attitude.” His face then relaxed and his voice lightened with delight. “Perhaps you aren’t as awful as I had suspected. Oh, and by the way Harmony, if I was in my normal form you would burst into flames. No big.”

“Burst into flames?” I tried to contain the laughter that was bubbling within me.

“Yes, and if you like I could demonstrate but then you would be dead, which means I couldn’t gloat. That would be quiet a waste now wouldn’t it. Oh wait! I’m the God of the Underworld, so we would meet again. So… what do you say? Are you up for a little gamble?” He finished with a wink. His malevolent words didn’t match his overjoyed tone.

This sounds kind of like a Jack Sparrow line! Haha, but really, I like it a lot. Hades really starts to get excited here, which seems to contrast to the stereotype. Wonderful!

“Relax cupcake, you are still alive. See, now that’s the big problemo. You are on my list, yet here you are still alive and well…I suppose. Anyway, do I ignore the list or your heartbeat?”
I could hear my heart monitor begin to beep as my heart rate increased. “The list.”
“Yes, but that wouldn’t really coincide with my mean and ruthless image. Even Gods have to live up to expectations, you know.”
“You can change your image. This could be a brand new start for you. What do you think?” I forced a grin.
“No.” Hades replied simply.
“No?” My voice cracked.

I love this passage right here probably the most out of the whole story. Hades is all calm and composed throughout the entire scene, as well as just in general, but here Harmony starts to get really nervous. And this is a classic bit of dialogue, but it just feels fresh and genuine here! I love it!

“I need your help with one of those troublesome souls. I need you to ease Aiden Keto’s guilt and convince him that his time on earth is finished.”
“Aiden Keto? But that’s… that’s my boyfriend.” I could feel the building tears sting my eyes as they tried to make their way through. I felt like time and everything else was frozen.
The reason why I am in this hospital is because my boyfriend Aiden and I got in a car crash a week ago. He was driving us home from a late movie, when he hit a patch of black ice and spun out of control. We would have been alright, except that a drunk driver hit us. Since we were spinning, Aiden couldn’t maneuver the car out of the way. He ended up dying, and I woke up in this hospital room alone.

Just wondering about this bit right here. Is Aiden a ghost or something? Why is he still on earth if he's dead? Something you might want to explain a little more wholly, for the sake of the reader :D

His golden jewel-like eyes stared me down intensely. Finally he said, “Okay, Hammy give me your hand. I’m going to fix you up.”
“Hammy?” My eyes instinctively ran down my body, as I figured he was calling me fat. Great, now I am fat and stupid.
He flashed me a boyish grin. “Yeah, it’s short for Harmony. I just thought of it now. What do you think?”
My eyes went wide and round as I stared at him mutely.

His smile vanished as he muttered, “Just give me your hand.”

I take it back, THIS is my absolute favorite passage of the whole story! OMG, I laughed so hard when I read this section. It's so funny, but it's cute at the same time. Man, that Hades, I wish I was so creative! haha. It may not be the best of names, but I think it's kind of sweet. Is the god of death developing *gasp* feelings? Who knows? I can't wait to see where it goes!
- SOCKS
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Sat May 28, 2011 11:06 pm
silentwords says...



Okay, so I finally finished writing part 2! Sorry that I took so long.. I have been pretty busy lately. Anyway, if anyone is interested in reading it, here is the link: topic81545.html
I'd love to know what you guys think :)
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  





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Wed Jun 01, 2011 1:53 am
iampaulop says...



Hey I love this one ! One of my favorites! You think it is boring? I WILL SAY A BIG NO !!!
The story is very interesting, some kind of original stuff. And Hades personality shined best !!

I agree with HIGHWHITESOCKS
I love this opening dialogue. It sets the personality for both of the characters, and a great tone for the whole piece. I like how you've painted this opening scene, and it made me look forward to reading the rest!


and I also agree with this one... quite confusing
Just wondering about this bit right here. Is Aiden a ghost or something? Why is he still on earth if he's dead? Something you might want to explain a little more wholly, for the sake of the reader


There were also some typo here but I cant find it right now... You can look for it, I'm excited to read the part 2 :)
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

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Sat Jul 02, 2011 3:49 am
ASH1397 says...



Hello there! :) Great read so far. Nit pick time !

When someone dies, they check in on my list. At the end of the week Hermes, has to wrangle up all the dead souls and bring them to my kingdom. If there are any issues, then I sometimes get involved. Depends on my mood.”

Good part of explanation, but commas, commas, commas! It helps pause/ slow the thought so it isn't all ramblings.

Anyway, do I ignore the list, or your heartbeat?”

same thing here.

My heart sank. “Aiden Keto? But that’s… that’s my boyfriend.” I could feel the building tears sting my eyes as they tried to make their way through. I felt like time and everything else was frozen.
In an instant Aiden and I were back in his dad's black Honda Civic. The frigid air was engulfed in darkness as we were driving back from the late movie. It was around 12:30 in the morning and the road was deserted. We were laughing when he hit a patch of black ice. He swerved into the next lane of oncoming traffic. I looked up to see two bright head lights coming straight towards us. I was screaming at him to move out of the way. I was about to reach up and grab the wheel from him, when everything went black. I don't remember what happened after that. I heard nothing, saw nothing, and thankfully felt nothing. Three days later I woke up in this awfully bright room with two crushed ribs, internal bleeding, a broken nose, and buried behind bruises and scratches. These all seemed insignificant when I found out I was waking up alone.

Great paragraph, but you should work on, or mark, the transition from reality to the flashback. This will only work if you do that, otherwise, it gets confusing on where the story is taking place time line wise. And minor grammar errors.

Yes. I know that is your boyfriend. That is why I am getting you to do it. See, it all makes sense. Who knew that evil could have a brain?”

no need for more than 1 period after "yes".

Otherwise, This piece really was interesting. There wasn't really a boring part about it. You made the dialogue all informational, which was great since you started off with Harmony knowing nothing of what was going on. If you work on that transition, this piece will be great! You also had Hades explain alot which helped me, as a reader, understand the "predicament" at hand. This was also very interesting and you never had a dull moment!

Great read :)

keep it up!

--Ash
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.
  








As a former (and rather excellent) liar herself, Aru knew that, sometimes, speaking the truth felt like wrenching a thorn out of your side. But doing the opposite meant pretending it wasn't there. And that made every single step ache. It was no way to live.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality