Young Writers Society

This is all I have so far, I did use random people I know as characters. There's more coming soon...

Hey there, my name’s Steve Moa. I’m a Secondary-Ninja, and I’m going to take you through a week in the life of a ninja-in-training. Now I’ve been going to ninja school for my whole normal schooling years, I’m now in year 9 and am about 8 weeks into my final year of ‘Secondary-Ninja’ school. Basically my ninja school is situated underneath my normal school, while the normal school runs smoothly and normally, 4 specially trained ninja students from each year level are enabled to train everyday and compete in the annual ninja school showdown. Aside from me, there’s Tahlia Pokkit, Bokki Kie and Kayla Lei, all of them have their own code names for normal school, mine’s Brody Mewett, Tahlia’s is Tara Barnett, Bokki’s is Braydan Poacher and Kayla’s is Isabelle Faulkner. While we are above ground in the normal school we must always go by these code names.

In our ninja classes we do 4 main subjects and 1 elective. I do Camouflage, Kung-Fu, Ninja-Speak and Codes-Riddle Deciphering as my main subjects, I also do Enchanted Animal Whispering along with Kayla, as my elective. Bokki and Tahlia do Enchanted Plant Whispering, which is basically just growing stuff really fast and finding secret information from the surrounding plants. In Enchanted Animal Whispering we learn all about creatures that Nonjas (people who are not Ninjas) think are just mythical, for example, Dragons, Unicorns, Hippogriffs and Pokemon. We also learn how to tame and communicate with these Creatures. The best part of our elective is that we get to buddy up with a creature and we get to name that creature. Kayla’s NCB (Ninja-Creature-Buddy) is a Pokemon, called Dragonair, she started with a Dratini but it evolved last week, it’s nickname is Megah, which means ‘Majestic’ in Malay.

Hi,
I found your story very interesting. I think the objective of the beginning of a story is to make a reader want to know more and I think you've achieved that through this. I do want to know the rest of this story. So, good job!

Stuff I absolutely loved: The vastness of your imagination. I mean, the names of the subjects, the term 'nonjas' (if you came up with this word, I will revere you forever just for this ), the mythical creatures (hippogriffs and pokemons, I was literally in splits ) and the names of the characters are all just ingenious. Very well thought out.

Stuff you need to work on: I felt you're giving me too much information at once. You shouldn't name all the characters plus tell us their secret names all at once at the beginning of the story. Introduce each character gradually throughout the story and describe them so that it is easier for the reader to remember them.

Aside from me, there’s Tahlia Pokkit, Bokki Kie and Kayla Lei, all of them have their own code names for normal school, mine’s Brody Mewett, Tahlia’s is Tara Barnett, Bokki’s is Braydan Poacher and Kayla’s is Isabelle Faulkner. While we are above ground in the normal school we must always go by these code names.

Here the names of all these characters just flew over my head because there were so many of them. Maybe you could just refer to all the characters (except the protagonist) as 'my friends' and bring them into the story later?

Another thing, I feel your sentence structure is a little bit confusing. You're using too many commas where you should use periods and start a new sentence.

e.g.

Hey there, my name’s Steve Moa. I’m a Secondary-Ninja, and I’m going to take you through a week in the life of a ninja-in-training. Now I’ve been going to ninja school for my whole normal schooling years, I’m now in year 9 and am about 8 weeks into my final year of ‘Secondary-Ninja’ school. Basically my ninja school is situated underneath my normal school, while the normal school runs smoothly and normally, 4 specially trained ninja students from each year level are enabled to train everyday and compete in the annual ninja school showdown.

This could maybe be more coherent when written like this:

Hey there, my name’s Steve Moa. I’m a Secondary-Ninja, and I’m going to take you through a week in the life of a ninja-in-training. I’ve been going to ninja school for my whole normal schooling years. I’m now in year 9 and am about 8 weeks into my final year of ‘Secondary-Ninja’ school. Basically my ninja school is situated underneath my normal school,so while the normal school runs smoothly and normally, we get to experience the stuff that myths are made of (you can totally change this suggestion, I just wrote the first thing that came to me). Four specially trained ninja students from each year level are enabled to train everyday and compete in the 'Annual Ninja School Showdown' (this 'showdown' sounds like a big deal and I have a feeling that it's going to be a part of your story, so you can add a dramatic effect to it to make people remember it, you know like capitalizing each word and keeping the whole thing in quotation marks. Ignore this completely if it's not a part of your story.)

Again, I loved your idea and please do complete this story. Your imagination is beyond commendable.Please let me know when you have written more of this, I want to know what happens.

Hi.
I know this is not a whole story, but even for a prologue, it's laughable. You introduce everything too fast, without any introduction or description. The whole 'Ninja School' concept is badly developed. Talk about how the main character joined Ninja school, what it involves, etc. The characters have no personality, you just list people by name. The Ninja Creature Buddys are frankly silly, and feel like you are trying to make a magical fairytale world.
When you talk about the subjects the main character is talking at Ninja school, you have made them too much like normal school. It's as if you are trying to make a Hogwarts for Ninjas. There is no concept of mystery or imagination.
This is a bad story. If you want it to be a good one, re-write.
I don't want to be mean, but this is what I think.

Oh my goodness! Hahaha, you made my day.

I don't think I laughed this hard at a story since I read "The Interruption", which had one of the most hilariously described sex scenes on YWS. This is pure genius. I could try and list all the things I loved about this, but I'd simply end up listing everything in it. In particular, I lolled at "Nonjas", and, of course: "...for example, Dragons, Unicorns, Hippogriffs and Pokemon." Yes! Ninjas and Pokemon. Two of the world's best things, mixed with a healthy dose of school life and hard drugs, ground up and snorted. I actually feel inspiration creeping up: I could totally write a Pokemon fanfiction where trainers are ninjas. Oh, this is excellent. The courses, too, haha.

While there is a lot of humour that can be squeezed out of a story like this, I don't think you should continue writing it (it feels like something that would get old pretty quickly). I'd advise writing more things like this, with different set pieces. For instance, next up: Power Rangers at a Pyramid Construction! Shinji and Evangelion: A Love Story! A Day In The Life of The Incredible Hulk, Private Detective! Hah.

I really don't have anything to critique about this (unless, of course, I'm wrong and this is not a parody - then I have everything to critique about this), so keep it up, and welcome to YWS.

Your ninja,
cC

During the whole time I am reading this, I am laughing! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.... (that's not enough)... That is not a bad sign nor a good sign, I dony know, hehe... (I'm still laughing while typing this one)

I love the Hippogriffs ( I am currently reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and you mention Hippogriffs! Haha Very funnY)... The pokemon especially Dragonair ! Whaaaaaat??? hehe
And the idea of schools and the subjects reminded me of Hogwarts! But yours is very laughable

You should continue this one! Continue putting a smile on my face! Go!