Young Writers Society

I didn't know what else to call it (i thought "well of pain" was too corny) so i thought of the two things this story is about. Anyway i know this is rough and short, please don't criticise me too harshly! I want constructive criticism so i can apply that to the next piece i write so here goes:


Cool blue water rippling gently against the rocks. That’s what I try to imagine, as I lie crumpled on the floor. Somewhere in the multifaceted layers of my mind there lies a memory where everything inside is as calm as the water. Two softly painted parallel lines painted continuously. A sharp throb brings me back and the soft blue is replaced by striking, menacing red. My mind contorts the image, tears it up into little pieces to an effect that’s worse than if I’d never thought up that stupid rock pool. I’m breathing and heaving heavily again, my body responding convulsively without my approval.

People say that water is where life begins, but water, well to be honest it’s as dead as rock. Nothing lives or breathes or grows in this clear pool, which is slowly turning the colour of death. Little red dots are swimming but they’re definitely not breathing. In fact, now I realise, those red dots are there because hands are exerting too much pressure on my closed eyes.

Now I’m drowning in that pool, it’s swallowing me up into it’s dragon belly. Someone’s laughing, and fleetingly I think for what seems like the hundredth time today, why can’t people just be nice?
Or is that hideous sound my own desperate gasping? I’m screaming as I realise it is, and the red fish have come back because I’m still drowning and I still can’t breath.

Someone’s pulled the plug and out with the defiled water I wash down the tunnel where there is only darkness.

i can sense its emotion, completely depressing feeling flows there and the pain clearly shows in your words.
very good , keep up......

Hi there, Rachel! The names Lily, pleased to meet you! I first off have to say I got just a bit of a chuckle from your disclaimer because, well, sometimes the things that the harshest of critics say are also the most helpful. At least that's what I learned after more than a few reviews made me cry. But I'll try not be too harsh, mostly because there's big much bad to say about this.

One tiny nitpick!

Two softly painted parallel lines painted continuously.

If you didn't notice, painted is just a little repetitive here.

Right off the bat, I like the abstract feel of this because you aren't getting the clearest of pictures as to what's going on but it has a funky, Alice in Wonderland feel. But to an extent, although it's nice, there's so much more you could do but still not give it all away. Dig into the craziest descriptions you can think of to describe minute and even unrelated details. It can create a far more compelling piece.

Overall, this was pretty good. Just expand a little. Sometimes the most obscure observations, details, and metaphors can really make a story.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall!

A very good flash, I liked it. Your prose reads as if you are somebody who gets inspired mainly by music and art, not literature. If that is so, then we have something in common. Now, on to the review...

The feeling of this piece is very difficult to describe. It's not desperate... but it is. Odd, but in a good way. Whatever the emotional flavour of this piece may be, I can't argue that it is very calm. The narrator has either accepted her fate or just doesn't worry about dying all that much. This kind of technique is not for everyone, but I like it. However, a number of things ruin what could have otherwise been an incredible piece.

that stupid rock pool

Your narrator sounds very educated and sophisticated throughout the piece, but stumbles at this one line. "Stupid"? That's a kindergarten word. That's not the kind of word that your narrator would use. "Damned?" Or you could do something else completely: "My mind contorts the image, tears it up into little pieces to an effect that’s worse than if I’d never imagined the rocky pool; however comforting the sight, it is still a lie."

well to be honest it’s as dead as rock.

First off, you miss a comma between "well" and "to", and again between "honest" and "it's". Second, this entire sentence fragment reads awkward. Again, your narrator stumbles a little. I'd go for: "People say that water is where life begins, but let's be honest, water is as dead as a rock." The "well" implies indecisiveness, and that's a bad thing to imply on a narrator like yours.

it’s dragon belly

Its, not it's.

I still can’t breath

Breathe.

Other than that, pretty cool. I'm not sure what exactly you hoped to accomplish with this piece, but to me it seems like this is from the point of view of a fish being flushed down the toilet. An odd choice for such an erudite narrator, but alright, let's not argue semantics here. If it's not that, you might want to make it clearer so that others don't get this impression. Or leave it to be ambiguous. Up to you, really.

Your fish,
cC

Hi there! I'm here to review! ^.^

I really like this piece. It's quite emotional and moving and you were able to do that all without using ginnormous amounts of text and descriptions that fill the bottle till it's overflowing.

I’m breathing and heaving heavily again, my body responding convulsively without my approval.

I don't really think there's a need for 'heavily' after heaving. It feels like it's too much there.

Someone’s pulled the plug and out with the defiled water I wash down the tunnel where there is only darkness.

Interesting.

Alright, so I'm reading this but it's kind of hard to decipher all of this. What is the meaning behind it?
I'm figuring it about some sort of pressure she is being put on but then the connections don't add up to me. What doe she want to say? Your piece is wonderfully written and has emotion but by the end of it, we get nothing but confusion because we go back and ask ourselves, what was it all for? What blue pain?

The thing with abstract is that you can writer, I can write it but it means something but that meaning can only be read by the person who wrote it. But if you want to teach a lesson with this sort of writing and let her voice be hear to accomplish that, you will have to make your writing more clear. Don't just use nice words to make us feel emotions and then snatch away the reason. It's not cool. >:? lol

I'm kidding but yeah, I would've liked it a lot more if I knew what you mean to say.
I'm going to keep thinking that it's all about the pressure that she's been put on and hurt that she just wants to make it all go away but is too weak to fight it all so she just curls into a ball and lets herself be drowned into the darkness of her own life. If this is the case, I'm disappointed in this character. Why doesn't she fight back? Why is she so weak? There isn't really much of a struggle either. It's just like a child crying after her lollipop had been snatched away by someone else.

That's just my view of it though. What you want to say with this might be completely different though.
Nonetheless, good job.

-Shear

"Two softly painted parallel lines painted continuously" -- Painted and painted. Try to avoid using repetitive words in description.

"Someone’s laughing, and fleetingly I think for what seems like the hundredth time today, why can’t people just be nice?" This line feels kind of out of place to me... And kind of dumb. 'Cause people aren't nice, and it seems like a childish thing to think in the middle of all this depressing emotion that you have in this piece.

It's a good little snippet, full of emotion, description, almost a dream-like quality to it... But I'm still a bit confused about what's going on. Maybe that was intentional, but personally I wanna know what's going on here? At first I thought 'abuse victim', but that might be because I've stumbled onto like three other 'abuse' pieces in the past few days. XD Then as I kept reading, it feels like she's alone, but I'm not sure if what's going on is a seizure or suicide. Does she want to die, or is some disease driving her to her death on her kitchen floor? Towards the end it seems that she's strangling herself, but does she want to or is she... insane, or something?

You captured the emotions very well, but I'm still not entirely sure what's going on...

Hey Rach!



I'll have to start by saying that I actually liked your piece. I liked it in terms of description. You had some pretty lovely descriptions, but that was all. Only descriptions and emotions. To be brutally honest, I don't know why you put it in Short Stories category. It seemed something like a writing exercise and just written to brush up describing skills. It didn't have a plot, an explanation or anything. I don't know much about abstract writing, shamefully, so if that was what you were aiming for, then I think you succeeded.

All this while I thought you'd bring up the topic of what led to his/her state and what exactly was in the end. I was confused the whole time. When I thought it would become fun, you twisted to a moral science angle and to be honest I wasn't that clear with the message, too. You should seriously try writing or expanding it. If this was some description or chunk which had been in middle of a story or if it had a continuation then I'd have been glad to read it. I was anticipating that you'd have some end to it, something to explain but it never did.

So, sorry it wasn't my choice and I think your technique is good, but you didn't have any plot for it. So put something like this 'Other' category. I know I haven't been any help, but sorry. Also, don't go on repeating the colours of the substances(water and blood). You don't need to press on that topic. We already know the colour and it's good you mention it once but don't drag it.

Hope this helps,( I don't think it will)
Shrubs

I love your emotion in this!!

Two softly painted parallel lines painted continuously. Try taking the second painted out or put a semi-colon.


Now I’m drowning in that pool, it’s swallowing me up into it’s dragon belly. Someone’s laughing, and fleetingly I think for what seems like the hundredth time today, why can’t people just be nice?

Or is that hideous sound my own desperate gasping? I’m screaming as I realise it is, and the red fish have come back because I’m still drowning and I still can’t breath. Try having all of this as one paragraph..!. And the "realise" has a z unless you're using the English?

Your emotion in this is amazing and really deep... Nice job
!!!!!!

Thanks so much for all your help everyone. Your looking so closely into it that i'm ashamed to say that i don'y even know what was going on. I was inspired to write something abstract and it was a spare of them moment things. Basically she's in pain that she can't fight because she's overpowered it and every time she tries to resurface she's pushed back down. I didn't even think of why she's in pain- sorry. But thank you all heaps.