Young Writers Society

[Even though this isn't very good I've been trying to write daily, and hopefully post daily, so here's a short story..]

The water surged with the storm, and with it, she arose. Her sweet voice sang to the men ashore, her shimmering hair ever so tempting. The flashes of skin so soft caught their short attention. When she allowed herself to be seen, it was her intention to draw them in.

The foolish, gullible men that perched upon their sailboats or sat with their toes in the water never expected such a tease. She drew them out with ease, taunting and calling.

When within reach, her skin smelt of salt water and her golden hair became seaweed, thick and rough. Her skin turned ashy and her arms, all eight of them too long, wrapped around legs so vulnerable and pulled. Their screams lost in an abyss of blue, she devoured their soul and ravaged their body until they were but another fertilizer for her growing garden under the sea.

Like the name, Like the story, as short as it was. I don't really know how your supposed to rate a story that is that short. But I thought I would read it and give you some feedback. Maybe keep this same story and make it into like 5 or 10 pages, becazuse I feel your onto something with it. Cheers

Post Scriptum- If you would get a chance, please review my new short story, Confession. Thanks

Hi! :D

This is pretty short, so there isn't really a great deal to day. I think you've got a neat little idea here, mermaids drawing sailors in to their death, but that it needs expanding into something with a bit more depth.

Why not describe more about what the sailors think of her singing, we know that they're supposed to be alluring, but do they know to watch out for it? Do they attempt to resist it? What does it actually sound like? Does she do anything else?

The last paragraph was the one that threw me a little, and again I think that this is the sort of thing that could be cleared up if you just expanded things a little. How close do they get to her before she changes? What do you mean by 'legs so vulnerable', it's a bit of a strange image, I think? What does she actually want them for? You mentioned that she devours souls and ravages their bodies, but that all sounds just a bit vague to me, so perhaps a little explanation there would be good.

I do really like the last line though, the image of this underwater ocean garden being fertilised by the sailors that she snatches from the surface.

I hope that I've been of some help to you! If you have any questions or anything that you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM! :D

-Tinny

A cool twist of the Siren myth! Though one must ask what kind of things she's growing in that garden of hers.

"Smelt" should be "smelled"; "smelt" means to melt different metals together into an alloy, like smelting copper with tin to make bronze. Don't think I saw any other glaring mistakes.

As a flash fiction, this stands up by itself fabulously. However, the one thing about flash fiction is that usually they tend to be a bit more unique. I know this is unique enough as it is, but... it's kind of not. Seeing as there's a siren there, and sirens have already been done to death in every way. Read the flash piece "Memory", by the incredible H. P. Lovecraft, for a good example of flash fiction. It's unique - there's absolutely nothing I've ever read quite like it - and yet, its short length doesn't make it a chore to keep up with the various characters, settings, magics, and so on. That's the beauty of flash fiction, you can make your imagination soar to heights at which even astronauts get dizzy without burdening yourself to write a whole story.

Other than that - I like this work. I expect to see more of your name around the site in the coming days.

Your siren,
cC