Young Writers Society

I am Lori May. I was born on September 3rd 1942 in Atlanta, Goregia. I made a promise to my dad I would never speak of the night. the night My mother died. she made me take care of my little brother. She gave me her diamond necklace, She said it was very important to keep it safe, and that I should never leave it out on my sight.Thats why I leave in on my chest wrapped around my white skin on my bare neck that had a perminate drawing of a dragon that had a star on his tail, for the jewish religion,I'm Jewish.The necklace had a diamond that was clear white and had the shape of a key that had greek words around the back of the diamond. she said it was the most imortant thing to her and now it is mine.

There was a girl sitting on the curb that is new to my classroom, she is 15 years old like me and is very pretty. She has blond hair with pink highlights and always wears shorts with a tank top, with her sweater. She is a slim girl and has blue, green eyes and always has her nails painted gold and white. She was very shy and never talked to any boy. Not even my science teacher, Mr. Laposses (Lap-os-es) And I never knew her name. Knowone knew her name. In fact, no teachers knew her name. She does not have any parents, she said. She said she lived with her aunt Martha and Uncle Tom. They are the only ones in the city that know her name. Exept for her parents.

Me and her met up after luch today, when I was going to ask her her name. Her full name.

" What is your name, I never knew your name. " I asked shyly
" You really want to know? Nobody has ever asked me for my name this year." She said.
" Yeah, I kinda want to know, because we have been freinds since the begining of the year." I said bravely.
" Ok, My name is Dominique Kristin Kram." She whispered.
" Pretty name Dominique. I'm serious, really pretty." I said heavenly.
" Thanks. I thougt it was going to be enbaressment to people. But I guess not to you." She said blushing.

Me and her walked into the street, talking about all our adventures. " And thats when I hit my brother for telling Chad I kissed Harry!" I said.
We all started laughing.
" One year I went to sleepaway camp with my Uncle Tim. He was the counselor. Me and my sister put his bed in the lake while he was sleeping. It was the funniest thing ever. I was laughing so hard in the morning that milk came out of my nose!" She laughed so hard.

" I want to show you something." She said, she grabbed my hand and ran across the street. We stopped in the alley and she stood infront of a wall.
" I knew you had your mothers key on your neck so I wanted to show you it earlier But your mom would not let me until she passed away. " She said.
" Hand me the key." She demanded. I ripped it of my neck and smacked it in her palm.
" why?" I asked.
" Just trust me I know what I am doing." She said. And put it in the hole in the wall. light spreaded across the wall as a door opened. I could barely see inside, it was so bright.She pushed me in and then she jumped in as well.
" Where are we!" I screamed.
" In heaven." She answered.
My mom walked up to me and gave me a hug.Me and my mom were re-untited.
" How did you get me here?!" I asked.
" I am a Godess. the key you mom gave you got you inside. Thats why she said it was important.Now you can see your mom as many times as you want." She said
" But be sure to not tell anybody."She also entered in the conversation.
" Ok, I promise." I said back in response.
Now I am not lonely. I had a great life afterwards.

this is my story, I worked so hard on it and I really hope you like it!Please relpy and give me tips!


~Pixie2~

First off this is a very interesting story, I like the idea and concept. Just a few things that don't make senses to me.

First is your MC male or female? Also what year is this story set in? Because it's hard to imagine (as the reader) what kind of setting were in. Another thing is through out the piece the story moves very quickly. So your MC's mom dies and your MC gets a neck less, later your MC meets this girl (Dominique) and she's a god or an angle? Still a little unclear on that part. And then they some how end up in heaven with this key that the MC got from their mother? It all moves a little to fast for my taste. Last, you need to maybe be a little more descriptive, use less pronouns, and CAPITALIZE your words after each period! That makes the writing so much better by 100! All in all I like it! Keep writing!

Hi! I am OverEasy and I will be your reviewer today.

The first thing that I noticed was that "Goddess" is spelled incorrectly in your title.

I am Lori May. I was born on September 3rd 1942 in Atlanta, Goregia. I made a promise to my dad I would never speak of the night. The night My mother died. She made me take care of my little brother. She gave me her diamond necklace, she said it was very important to keep it safe, and that I should never leave it out on my sight.That's why I leave in on my chest wrapped around my white skin on my bare neck that had a perminate drawing of a dragon that had a star on his tail, for the jewish religion,I'm Jewish.The necklace had a diamond that was clear white and had the shape of a key that had greek words around the back of the diamond. She said it was the most imortant thing to her and now it is mine.

I think it's really important to use proper punctuation, capitalization, and spelling. It lets the reader know that you are serious about your works, and that makes us want to help you more.

The line I have in bold is worded a little funny, and it's slightly hard to follow. I think if you just reworked the sentence and made it a little more clear it would be fine though.

As for the content, right now you have one big info dump. You need to slow it down, take your time a little more, and really make this a story. You're telling me a lot of things about your MC, her mothers death, and a very special necklace. I should feel things when you tell me about her mothers death, I should feel sorrow and pain, but right now it's mentioned so casually that I feel nothing. Your MC doesn't talk about it with anguish, so I don't feel anguish reading it.

I think that slowing this down, breaking it apart, and creating full scenes with each aspect would really add a lot to the story. Instead of telling me her mother died one night, show me. Create a scene with her mother dying in her arms, and have her mother tell her to protect that necklace at all costs. Make it real

There was a girl sitting on the curb that is new to my classroom, she is 15 years old like me and is very pretty. She has blond hair with pink highlights and always wears shorts with a tank top, with her sweater. She is a slim girl and has blue, green eyes and always has her nails painted gold and white. She was very shy and never talked to any boy. Not even my science teacher, Mr. Laposses (Lap-os-es) And I never knew her name. Knowone knew her name. In fact, no teachers knew her name. She does not have any parents, she said. She said she lived with her aunt Martha and Uncle Tom. They are the only ones in the city that know her name. Exept for her parents.

Here you run into a lot of tense problems, I am going to rewrite the paragraph below and I am going to keep it in past tense.

There was a girl sitting on the curb that was new to my classroom, she was 15 years old like me and was very pretty. She had blonde hair with pink highlights and always wore shorts with a tank top, with her sweater. She was a slim girl and had blue, green eyes and always had her nails painted gold and white. She was very shy and never talked to any boy. Not even my science teacher, Mr. Laposses (Lap-os-es) And I never knew her name. Knowone knew her name. In fact, no teachers knew her name. She did not have any parents, she said. She said she lived with her aunt Martha and Uncle Tom. They are the only ones in the city that knew her name. Exept for her parents.

Again this paragraph is an info dump. Now you've introduced me to what I am assuming is the two main characters, but I feel nothing for either of them. I can see that no one knows this girls name, but you haven't created a scene for it. You've simply told me "no one knows her name". Rather than doing that, perhaps try to build a scene where her science teacher tries to call her something and then realized he has no idea what to call her, and all the other kids laugh?

Me and her met up after luch today, when I was going to ask her her name. Her full name.
" What is your name, I never knew your name. " I asked shyly

This part here feels redundant. There is no need to tell me that your MC is going to ask her what her name is, followed by your MC asking her what her name is. Maybe instead have your MC describe their nerves while they're walking towards this enigma of a girl. How does she feel before she goes to ask her a seemingly common question?

" Thanks. I thougt it was going to be

enbaressment

to people. But I guess not to you." She said blushing.

Embarrassment*

Me and her walked into the street, talking about all our adventures. " And thats when I hit my brother for telling Chad I kissed Harry!" I said.

This feels really awkward, what adventures? You're suddenly throwing into the last half of some story, but I don't have any idea why. It doesn't flow, and it feels awkward to read. Perhaps scrap this part all together?

We all started laughing.

Who is "we all"? So far you've only mentioned your MC and her one friend.

" One year I went to sleepaway camp with my Uncle Tim. He was the counselor. Me and my sister put his bed in the lake while he was sleeping. It was the funniest thing ever. I was laughing so hard in the morning that milk came out of my nose!" She laughed so hard.
" I want to show you something." She said, she grabbed my hand and ran across the street. We stopped in the alley and she stood infront of a wall.

This is an extremely sudden change, there is no sort of transition, just a very sudden jump from one thing to the next.

" I knew you had your mothers key on your neck so I wanted to show you it earlier But your mom would not let me until she passed away. " She said.

" Hand me the key." She demanded. I ripped it of my neck and smacked it in her palm.

My first problem with this is that your MC doesn't stop for a second and go "hmm, how does she know about my mother or her key or any of this stuff?" There isn't a second where she wonders how her friend knows what's going on.

Then, for a necklace that she has been told to keep safe, she sure gives it away in a hurry. This bothers me, a lot.

I would think she'd be second guessing a little, wouldn't you?

" why?" I asked.

" Just trust me I know what I am doing." She said. And put it in the hole in the wall. light spreaded across the wall as a door opened. I could barely see inside, it was so bright.She pushed me in and then she jumped in as well.

"Spreaded" is not a word. Spread would be the correct one.

I think going into some more detain here would help your piece a lot. It's a little unclear what's going on, and suddenly your MC is jumping through a lighted hole in the wall without a second guess. You'd think she'd be a little scared, nervous, or at least slightly hesitant. A door magically appearing in the wall is not something that happens very often, is it?

" Where are we!" I screamed.

" In heaven." She answered.

My mom walked up to me and gave me a hug.Me and my mom were re-untited.

Again, this scene makes me feel nothing for your character or her mom. There should be some very serious emotions in this kind of reunion, but it's stated very casually.

" How did you get me here?!" I asked.

" I am a Godess. the key you mom gave you got you inside. Thats why she said it was important.Now you can see your mom as many times as you want." She said

" But be sure to not tell anybody."She also entered in the conversation.

" Ok, I promise." I said back in response.

Now I am not lonely. I had a great life afterwards.

If this is really the ending, you need to seriously consider reworking it. It feels too much like a fairy tale. "And then we lived happily ever after, I never told anyone, and everything was perfect."


There is a lot going on here, I think expanding on your ideas is a great start to creating a fun story. The idea is interesting, a literal door to heaven, and all that. But the execution here is lacking a little.

Try to slow down, feel your characters emotions more, and make us feel them too.

Hope this helps,
OverEasy

I understand what you are trying to say. I should add more emotion and detail. I should go a little slower next time, and I know it was a little confusing the second time I read it. Thanks!!!

~Pixie2~

wow i wrote this a long time ago.