Young Writers Society

I don't like the ending, and I've had several different scenarios but none of them seem to work very well. I don't want it to be very poignant (since that's not the point of the story) but I also feel like the ending I have now is just too weak. It'll be something I tweak later on. Anyway, thanks in advance for any reviews! (:

To Kill A Unicorn
Part Two of Two

“How much farther is the castle?” Mud asked in between huffs and gasps. They had been walking for a long time—the longest Mud had ever walked at one time—and she definitely needed a rest. Pride made her keep on, though, after the seemingly never-tiring unicorn.
It turned now and eyed her. “You’re not going to go and die on me, are you? That’d be very inconvenient after we’ve come all this way.” Mud was too out of breath to answer, so the unicorn continued. “We’re not that far away. He actually lives quite close to your town, though he’s always been too busy casting his gaze out to the big cities to really pay much attention to yours.”
“Th-that’s good,” Mud panted.
“Mm, until now,” the unicorn muttered. It swished its tail impatiently. “I suppose you need a breather, judging from the way you’re gasping like an aired fish.”
Mud did not respond; she simply sank to the ground and sat, legs splayed out in front of her beneath her ragged brown dress. The unicorn stepped daintily closer.
“Ever been this far from home?” it asked cheerily.
“No.”
“Why ever not? I’d think, since you didn’t have anyone or anything keeping you, that you’d want to explore and try your fortune somewhere else.”
“They were used to me. I’d have to start all over in another village, and they might not have been so nice.”
“Nice? Well, that’s a word. Not used in the proper sense, but still.”
Mud sighed and changed topic. “So, why did you kill those people?”
“Which ones?” the unicorn asked breezily.
“Rowena and the men.”
“Oh.” The unicorn shook its head delicately. “Orders and all.”
“From who?”
“Who d’you think?” A hint of annoyance crept into the unicorn’s voice. “You think I enjoy having to search for all of these remote villages and use local legends to his advantage? Besides being morally despicable, it’s downright tiring. And dangerous, at times. But only if the people there know a thing or two about us, and have the sense to use spears with silver heads—” it broke off, glancing warily at Mud. “Anyway, it’s not like I’d choose this kind of life.”
“What would you rather be doing?” Mud inquired, piqued by this insight into the unicorn’s life.
“I’d be frolicking in meadows and making rainbows with my horn and eating sweets while dancing with butterflies.”
“Really?”
“Of course not!” The unicorn seemed perturbed. “Do you know what sarcasm is?” Mud stared at the unicorn without blinking, and it sighed. “I guess you don’t.”
“So what would you really do, then?” Mud persisted.
“I wouldn’t be trekking around with miniature elephants, for starters.”
Mud stuck her tongue out. “I can’t help this,” she said dolefully.
“Maybe not the face, but you could certainly exercise more,” the unicorn replied tartly. “Speaking of which, let’s trek on.”
Mud heaved herself to her feet and trudged behind. Watching the unicorn’s impatient trot made her think of another question.
“Why are you working for the wizard anyways?”
Its bouncy stride suddenly calmed down. “Erm…I don’t know.”
“You have to know,” Mud said, a little confused. “You were there.”
“Was I? How do you know? Were you there?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Mud scrunched up her forehead, thinking. “No, I was not.”
“Well then,” said the unicorn, and that was that.
After a few more miles of walking through the forest, the unicorn spoke up. “Incidentally, I never caught your name. I kind of need to introduce you…”
“It’s Mud.”
“Now, don’t be embarrassed. I’m sure it’s not all that bad. What’s your name?”
“I said. My name is Mud.”
“Oh.” The unicorn was silent for a time.
“What’s your name?” Mud finally asked.
“Don’t have one.”
This was interesting to Mud. “How do you know when someone’s talking to you?”
“Have you heard of eye contact? No, never mind—don’t answer that.”
Mud was still thinking about the name. “Could I name you?” she asked, a little timorously.
“No.” The unicorn was adamant, and Mud left it at that.
“I don’t really like my name,” she ventured.
“At least it’s not backwards,” the unicorn remarked, more to itself than to her. Mud didn’t quite understand this, but continued on.
“If I could name myself, I’d be Arianna.”
“So call yourself that.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Mud thought. “Because everyone would laugh.”
“Am I laughing?”
The unicorn seemed more annoyed than anything, so Mud truthfully answered, “Not at all.”
“Well then!”
“But other people—”
“Don’t they already laugh at you?” the unicorn pointed out. “One more thing won’t kill you. Besides, you don’t have to worry about them anymore. You’ll never see them again.”
This was comforting, in one aspect.
“Yes, I guess so,” Mud said slowly. She was going away to a wizard’s castle, to get a new start on life. Why shouldn’t she be whoever she wanted to be?
“All right, Mud,” the unicorn started.
“It’s not Mud. It’s Arianna.”
The unicorn huffed. “Oh sure, now you get all pretentious. Anyway, you, we’re almost at the castle. Just a warning.”
“I’m ready,” Mud said.
“Good. One of us is.”
They left the forest in a matter of moments and Mud had a fine view of a large castle on a spreading meadow. It looked a little foreboding, almost like a large, dark carcass sitting awkwardly on a fine green carpet. Its towers and turrets were crumbly, its wall was covered in mold and vines, and the great iron gates were hanging on their hinges, creaking in the faint wind.
“No wonder he needs maids,” Mud said disapprovingly. “Look how messy it is! If it were mine, I’d fix it up.”
“I’m sure you would,” the unicorn sighed. “And when did you become such a talker?”
Mud was startled into silence. “Um.”
“I thought, when I first met you, ‘Oh good, it’ll be a nice quiet trip and we won’t have any awkward questions asked, and once I deliver her to Wentley that’ll be that.’ But you’re actually really nosy.”
Mud covered her nose with a hand. “I can’t help it,” she complained.
“Not that. I meant you ask a lot of questions that don’t always concern you.”
“I’m keer-ee-us.”
“Curious? Yes, I’d agree.” The unicorn sighed again. “Anyway, time to shut the piehole now. Just follow me and act polite.”
Mud obeyed, and trailed behind the unicorn into the castle.

“So you’re finally here,” boomed a voice as they entered a large decaying throne room. Mud caught a glimpse of blue robes and a tall figure looking out the window before the lights suddenly dimmed and the windows seemed to shut out any sunshine.
“Er, I’ve brought you the virgin from Histeria,” the unicorn said, its coat showing up in the darkened room. “Her name’s Arianna.”
“Arianna,” said the wizard. “What a lovely name.” Robes rustled in the dark; Mud felt the presence of the wizard in front of her.
“Let’s have a look at you, shall we?” Wentley said in a low voice.
“If you feel that’s for the best,” the unicorn’s voice muttered.
“Shut up, or I’ll skin you,” the wizard hissed.
“I knew it!” the unicorn wailed.
The wizard’s exasperated sigh could be heard. “Anyway, let’s have a look at you, my dear Arianna.”
A small spark turned into a flickering flame hovering in the wizard’s hand; he lifted it to Mud’s face and then—
“Eeegrahhkks!” said the wizard in a strangled kind of voice, before falling back and hitting the floor with a loud cracking sound.
The flame went out at the same time that the lights lit back up and the curtains opened to reveal sunlight.
Mud blinked at the sudden change, then looked down at the floor. A middle-aged man dressed in a ridiculously long robe way lying on the floor. His eyes bugged out as if staring at something horrific, and his tongue was lolling out of his mouth.
“Do you think he’s okay?” Mud whispered to the unicorn.
“I imagine not,” the unicorn said in an extremely cheery tone. “In fact, I think he’s dead!”
“Really?” Mud gasped. “That’s awful!”
“Awfully wonderful!” the unicorn cried, prancing happily in place.
“What made him die?” Mud asked worriedly.
“I expect he had a heart attack, which made him fall and crack his skull open.”
“You don’t think I had anything to do with it, do you?” Mud desperately hoped not.
“Oh, absolutely!” the unicorn said cheerfully. “It was your face, you big lout, your excellent face! Oh, how splendid!” It capered around the room, its energetic hoof beats echoing off the walls. “I do owe you a thanks, a most heartfelt thanks! You have released me from service, and I am free once more!”
“But-but what do I do? I don’t remember how to get back home.”
“Home? Why ever would you want to go there again? Shabby place, compared to this!”
“I can’t live here!”
“Sure you can! It’s yours now!” The unicorn stopped its joyful trotting and gestured to the dead wizard. “It’s a well-known fact that whoever kills a castle’s owner becomes the new one! And you, my dear, have succeeded in ending the reign of this terror!”
“Oh.” Mud looked about. “It is a big place,” she said thoughtfully. “But I don’t have anyone to help me clean it.”
“That’s what the gargoyles are for,” the unicorn said impatiently, but in a happy tone. “Didn’t you see them on the roof? They’re your new slaves now! All you have to do is call them and give them your orders, and they’ll obey!”
“Really?” Mud said, amazed at her luck.
“Yes!” The unicorn pawed the stone floor. “Now, I shall be on my way. Farewell, my dearest Mud! Or Arianna—whatever you’re going by now.”
“It’s Arianna,” Mud confirmed.
“Mouthful, that is. Whatever suits your fancy.”
“Do you suppose the other girls he used as maids are around here?” Mud asked, suddenly remembering. “Perhaps they could live with me.”
The unicorn seemed a little less excited. “Erm, I think when you killed him all the enchantments wore off and they all returned home.”
“Oh,” Mud said, doubtfully. “Well, that’s good for them I guess.”
“Sure.” The unicorn trotted towards the door. “Anyway, I’m off. Thank you very much; I’ll remember you always.”
“Won’t you come by and visit sometime?” Mud asked, desperate to have some kind of company before being left alone.
“Maybe. You never know.” The unicorn looked at her for a moment, serious. It stepped forward and tapped her shoulder with its horn. Mud felt something heavy lifted from her heart.
“What’s that for?” she asked.
“Just giving you a little more cheer. You look gloomy. I also happened to ensure that you’ll have plenty of company soon. Couldn’t do anything for the brains, pity, but at least you’re on a start. Might also want to get busy exercising.”
“Er, thanks?”
“Least I could do. Well, not really the least. Anyway.” The unicorn trotted out of the castle, and Mud followed it to the door, where she hung back.
“Cheers!” called the unicorn, and cantered out to the meadow. Mud watched it go until it was no more than a white speck on a blanket of green.
“Bye,” she whispered.
A rainbow seemed to appear on the meadow, where the unicorn had been just moments before.
Mud turned back and rolled up her sleeves. There was a lot to clean up.

Oh, Daughter, I loved this! I thought it was a great ending to this short story. Well, at least I thought so.

I don't see how it was weak, I thought it was a nice happy ending, which is what I'm all about.

Except....How did the nameless unicorn know she'd have company soon? There's still a bit of mystery surrounding the story, but I liked it very much.

Another great story from you! Boo-ya!

Mum.

Thanks Mum!

How did the nameless unicorn know she'd have company soon?

Magic.

RH!

Yes, it's me. Your dearly absent aunt. I'm back for a short time today, and I happened to see this and had to comment. As always, your characters are delightful and humorous. I love both the unicorn and Mud/Arianna. Haha! I really don't have any nitpicks, chiefly because I wasn't looking for them and I think if I had to find some I would have to look VERY hard. Or maybe I'm just out of practice? Anyway, I loved this story and I think you ended it quite well. I have trouble ending things as well, but I was happy with the way you tidied this up.

Happy Writing!
Baywolf (Snoink fixed my name and now I'm capitalized and sans numbers!)

Alright, so.
I was hoping for more killings. I really was. But, I wasn't dissapointed, espically, with this line, as I told you already

“I’d be frolicking in meadows and making rainbows with my horn and eating sweets while dancing with butterflies.”

I enjoyed that.

However, I agree with you on your ending. It was a good one, but there was something missing, I wasn't excepting it ending on a happier note like that. I really wasn't.

It was good though, very entertaining.
~WickedWonder

Hey there Ranger. ^____^

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. Very funny. I like the characters especially the unicorn and its sarcasm. And you portrayed very well Mud as a reckless and an unintelligent lady. I was actually confused of my critique on the first part of this since I have elaborated and said much more on your prose, grammar and the story development. Which I shouldn't have, perhaps. The telling of the story is considerable because you want your readers to see this as a very humored piece. But realism wise, shouldn't they be really tired of trekking, like starving... hunger perhaps? Or maybe even more emotions? Even if this is set in a fantasy world, those things should still be necessary.

Let me know if you have questions.

Peace out,
Yuri

I'm saving this spot for a very, very large review, RH!

Okey dockey, I'm coming straight from Part Un and time to do Part Deux

Done I don't know why you said the ending was weak; I thought it was good. I mean, you can't have a super battle or something like that as an ending for a parody story like this..it just wouldn't fit.

And, like I mentioned in the first part, this is good. It's a fun entertaining story. I'm not going to do a thorough nit-picking (not that I really noticed any mistakes to begin with) since I don't believe it needs any adjusting.

Good story, but I'm glad it's only a short story; I prefer you continue Here There Be Dragons

Rangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!

You've reviewed a lot of my stuff lately, so the least I could do is review this for you. This review will be based on both the first and second chapter, by the way, because I have read both. I'm not very good at reviewing these kind of stories, but hey, I'll give it a shot.

Overall, I really like this story, my dearie. It was brilliantly bad... err, if you get what I mean. Because this is a parody though, it's hard to critique, so you'll have to bear with me. Sticking to the positives though, I think you invented some amusing characters here, leaving me wanting to know more about them and what's going to happen to them in the future. I love parodies, and I have to say that this is one of my favourite ones I've seen on YWS so far. Go RH! This really was a cool little story. Also, grammar and everything was pretty much perfect, so a thumbs up for that too.

Okay, now for critiques. I want to avoid critiques you've already had, but considering I haven't really read any of the other reviews, I can't promise you that. If I do repeat anything that's already been said, just ignore it. Anyway, yeah, I'm going off track now. I'll start off with a bit of a nit-pick. Basically, at times, I think you use too much dialogue and not enough of... err, everything else. This wasn't so much of a problem in the first half, but in this second half, I did find that it was happening more often. The main reason for that, I think, is because it was here where you had a lot of scenes that only Mud and the unicorn were in (minus the scene with the wizard, even though that was only a short one anyway). The obvious way to fill the space where those two characters are alone is by using dialogue, so it's totally understandable.

This kind of runs into my next critique actually. Because there isn't much filling the gaps in-between the dialogue, this can sometimes feel that it's lacking depth. On the other hand, the fact that this is a parody can sort of excuse that in some ways. Nonetheless, this can sometimes feel a bit empty. I guess I want to know more about the situation and the characters. Like I said before, I love your characters, and I'd love to know more about them--literally. I don't want their life stories or anything, but I'd like to sort of... get to know them better, I suppose. Even though this is a parody, you have to make sure that you don't forget some aspects to a brilliant story. Depth is important, whether the story's a comedy or not. You don't need loads of it, but a little more of it would be wonderful. I don't think I'm making much sense here, so I'm terribly sorry... just try to make sense of it. x3

The only other thing I can really think of is something to do with the wizard's scene. It all happened so... fast. I don't know if it was done on purpose, but even if it was, I don't think I'm a huge fan of it. I get that Mud's face killed him, so it's not like you could have them eating some tea and scones while discussing politics before you killed him or anything, but I really would have loved for that scene to have been extended somehow. It was dark at first, right? You could make this funny actually. You could, for example, have the wizard speak to Mud before there's any light and get some comedy into that. You could even have him, like, touch her or something and say she's beautiful and pure e.t.c. then when the light comes on, it's like, Woah! Holy sh*t! That's a pretty bad example, but do you get the idea?

It's just that, right now, the wizard's scene seems a little bland. You could even do something like instead of the wizard dying instantly, when he sees Mud, he just stares at her. Then go to extremes and have the wizard grab something, set it on fire with his magicalness, wave it in front of Mud's face in fear and call her a demon, foul faced pig, withered freak or whatever. Then Mud gets upset, her ugliness mixed with her blotchy tears (making her even uglier) gets too much for the wizard, and then he dies.... God, I need to shut up. That's probably the worst suggestion in the history of mankind, but you're the comedy writer here, so I know you can come up with something epic. I hope you sort of understand what I mean...

I'm starting to turn into a bit of a freak now, so I better end this. As you may be able to tell by it's featuredness, this is a really cool story. Well done, my awesome buddy! Sorry I wasn't much help in the end... :3

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

'allo, 'allo, part deux for the win!

While I seriously laughed out loud at how easy it was to get rid of the threat of the wizard (for real, loved it), everything from there did feel a little weak. It just feels like there was all this build-up, only for it to go away really quickly. And yes, I know this isn't a serious story and my serious reader-ly self is responsible for some of this opinion, but it just sort of... ends. And after so many lulz in the first half and the nice pacing, it's kind of jarring.

Maybe take a bit more time to sort everything out, rather than have it go by so quickly? We'd get to spend even more time with the unicorn. And Mud. While I said before that the lack of character development in this story didn't bother me so much in the last bit, it sort of does here. She just sort of gets a relatively happy ending handed to her on a silver platter, without really addressing that she is still ugly and probably reviled. What kind of company did the unicorn send her? How does she manage after that? It doesn't have to be a lot or it's own new storyline or anything, but just a little more than what we have here?

Also, the title confuses me a bit now. The story really doesn't have anything to do with killing unicorns beyond the town's initial failed plans. After that, it's all subverting the idea of the virgin requirement and stuff. Great stuff to be sure, but still, nothing really to do with killing unicorns.

Sort of quick and nitpicky, but I did like this. It was solidly written and the unicorn's voice (which was the whole point of the story, no?) was quite smarmy and wonderful. I liked the first half better than this half, but still, *thumbs up*.

~GryphonFledgling

Ahaha! I really liked this!
I don't think I'll be able to do a really good review for this because it seems like everyone has already gotten to it before me! Tsk! I was too late! D: But I don't regret reading this. You're a really, really good writer!
Ahaha, you should give me some tips in the future because I have trouble when it come to description. It's too difficult to create a nice picture. >.>

Anyway! This is was reallly good!
I wish it was longer though, hahaha!

=TheUnicorn

I'm mildly disappointed this isn't a how-to tale. However, your brief pointer to use silver was helpful and we'll commission a silversmith to help rid our town of our own unicorn problem. It's helpful to know that wizards are really just a bunch of perverts in castles and can be killed by a homely wench's ugly face. This seems to be a spoof, as indicated in the "kill the castle's owner and you own the castle" rule that does seem to be the case in most fairy tales like this, so the ending pretty much fit with the rest of it. I kinda see why you think it's weak, though. You have a bit too much explaining there at the end, I think. I'm not sure how I'd do it differently, but you added a bunch of elements kinda like an afterthought. The very end, though, was pretty good. Sometimes these stories don't end up quite like you want them to, which is kinda like an airplane. The takeoffs and landings are the worst, but you'll never get better at it if you don't practice. So, cool story, I liked it.

Hi, RH! Here as promised. I’ll get right down to the nitpicks, but be warned, they mostly concern themselves with technical errors.

“How much farther is the castle?” Mud asked in between huffs and gasps. They had been walking for a long time—the longest Mud had ever walked at one time—and she definitely needed a rest.

I really think cutting the ‘in’ would make it a little more smooth.
Also, both the words ‘walked’ and ‘time’ are repetitive. I suggest ‘done’ and ‘go’ to replace them respectively.

Mud did not respond; she simply sank to the ground and sat, legs splayed out in front of her beneath her ragged brown dress.

Sank? It doesn’t seem to work here, being a word that implies slow movement. I think ‘plopped’ or some other, fast, ungainly word would fit it.

“Ever been this far from home?” it asked cheerily.

Why is the unicorn cheery? Nothing is done to make him so, and he must have still been brooding over his uncertain fate.

“Why ever not? I’d think, since you didn’t have anyone or anything keeping you, that you’d want to explore and try your fortune somewhere else.”

I would consider moving the ‘that’ between ‘think’ and ‘since’.
“Why ever not? I’d think that, since you didn’t have anyone or anything keeping you, you’d want to explore and try your fortune somewhere else.”
However, it puts two ‘you’s together in a terrible way. XD

“Nice? Well, that’s a word. Not used in the proper sense, but still.”

Another way of saying that would be ‘Well, that’s one way of saying it.” or, “Well, that’s one way of putting it.” Just not the version you have; we already know it’s a word, but hat kind?

But only if the people there know a thing or two about us, and have the sense to use spears with silver heads—”

Haha, I like how he goes off on a tangent and lets a secret slip. But seriously, why silver? Why is it always silver things that kill mythical beings?

“Of course not!” The unicorn seemed perturbed. “Do you know what sarcasm is?”

Here is another dialogue tag gone wrong (I believe Azila found the other one, possibly back in Part One). Maybe: “The unicorn snapped perturbebly.”
Except that ‘perturbebly’ isn’t a word.

“Why are you working for the wizard anyways?”
Its bouncy stride suddenly calmed down. “Erm…I don’t know.”
“You have to know,” Mud said, a little confused. “You were there.”
“Was I? How do you know? Were you there?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Mud scrunched up her forehead, thinking. “No, I was not.”
“Well then,” said the unicorn, and that was that.

This part is confusing. Very confusing.
I get the sense that you’re referring to something outside of the story. Care to clarify?

Mud was still thinking about the name. “Could I name you?” she asked, a little timorously.
“No.” The unicorn was adamant, and Mud left it at that.

I loved this! It throws down the old cliché of heroes finding nameless pets and naming them! Ugh.
(Crono Trigger does it, some nameless comic I once read did it and a whole amalgam of cheap fantasy stories are just full of it)

The unicorn seemed more annoyed than anything, so Mud truthfully answered, “Not at all.”

I think those two words would be best switched around. “Answered truthfully.”

They left the forest in a matter of moments and Mud had a fine view of a large castle on a spreading meadow.

The transition from forest to meadow is very sudden. That would be bad, unless the forest really did end at a razor-edge line, and you were trying to explain that.

Mud was startled into silence. “Um.”

Hmm, that doesn’t work too well for me. I don’t think ole unicorn did anything to actually startle her.

“Er, I’ve brought you the virgin from Histeria,” the unicorn said, its coat showing up in the darkened room. “Her name’s Arianna.”

How exactly was his coat showing up? Was he like a glowstick? Cool.

“Eeegrahhkks!” said the wizard in a strangled kind of voice, before falling back and hitting the floor with a loud cracking sound.

I love that sound!

A middle-aged man dressed in a ridiculously long robe way lying on the floor. His eyes bugged out as if staring at something horrific, and his tongue was lolling out of his mouth.

‘Was’
Also, my correction of that sentence is as follows: “His eyes were bugged out as if staring at something horrific.” or “His eyes bugging out as if staring at something horrific.”
You get it, right? The tenses?

And you, my dear, have succeeded in ending the reign of this terror!”

His terror? Maybe it would be better as ‘His reign of terror’

“That’s what the gargoyles are for,” the unicorn said impatiently, but in a happy tone. “Didn’t you see them on the roof? They’re your new slaves now! All you have to do is call them and give them your orders, and they’ll obey!”

These gargoyles are weird and rather abrupt. Also, as with the whole “Why are you working for the wizard anyways?” conversation, I think you’re referring to something outside the story.
You could cut it completely and the story would still be fine.

The unicorn seemed a little less excited. “Erm, I think when you killed him all the enchantments wore off and they all returned home.”

This I don’t understand. Wouldn’t Wently want his harem nearby?

“Maybe. You never know.” The unicorn looked at her for a moment, serious. It stepped forward and tapped her shoulder with its horn. Mud felt something heavy lifted from her heart.

Why was there something heavy in the first place? Is she sad about the unicorn leaving her? This is a good opportunity to explore Mud’s thoughts and feelings. Throughout the rest of the story, you seem to avoid getting closer (character-wise) to Mud. Is that purposeful?

“Just giving you a little more cheer. You look gloomy. I also happened to ensure that you’ll have plenty of company soon. Couldn’t do anything for the brains, pity, but at least you’re on a start. Might also want to get busy exercising.”

This I don’t understand either.

Anyways, you did great! That is, aside from the parts where the effects of the stupid pills I took yesterday were beginning to show.
One other thing, the plot seemed rather weak and pointless. She goes along with the unicorn and just ends up killing the dude. I’m pretty sure you meant for it to be blunt like that, and I liked it too, but unless it was your intent, then you’ll need to change it.
Anyways, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to PM me!
Jenth

You're right, your ending was weak. But it was hysterical, so don't change it. All I have left to say is Awsome!

Hi Ranger! I'm not back to review the second half of this and I haven't been meaning to come here and review it for a few days. ^_^ Also, you haven't gotten any really good reviews yet and I definitely read all of them so I think I'll have a really easy time of being helpful with this review! (Honk if you're as confused as I am.)

In all seriousness, I like this. It's just as amusing and witty as the first part. The plot isn't particularly exciting or original--but it doesn't have to be. That's not the point. The point of the story (as far as I can tell) is the characters, and their dialogue, and the way it's told, not what is being told. It's a simple story, so I don't think there is much to say about it, but it's well done. You pulled off the parody fairytale thing really well! Good job, Ranger. ^_~

My main problem with this is the pace. I think some other people mentioned this as well, but the part with the wizard felt a little rushed to me. I didn't really have time to let what was happening sink in. I know it's supposed to be sudden, but it just feels a little odd because the rest of the story is somewhat drawn-out. The scene with the wizard is sort of the climax of the plot, but yet the way you've written it it sort of blends in with the rest of it. I'm not sure if this is making any sense at all, but it kind of feels like you spend a lot of time showing us them walking in the forest and her wondering what to do with her new castle... but the actual excitement of the plot just flies by.

This might be because you're trying to enforce the fact that it's not about the plot, and that's a noble effort, but I think it could be done a little better. It just felt to me like it was lagging a bit. The conversations are amusing, but there just seemed to be a bit too much of them and not enough action. This goes along with what Skins said, actually.

Mainly I think what needs revision is the end. I know other people have said it, and I know you think so yourself, so I'll try and explain how I think it could be improved. I like the concept of it (that Mud kills the evil wizard with her ugliness and in so doing frees the poor unicorn), and I really like the fact that the unicorn didn't make her beautiful. I was afraid that he would magically enhance her looks, but I'm glad he didn't. ^_~ It's a happy ending, but also a not-so-happy ending because... well... it's about Mud, and Mud can't really be happy. At least I don't think she can. Anyhow, I like it in theory but once again I think it dragged on a bit. I think you tried a little too hard to tie everything up neatly in the end, and so there was too much of Mud and the unicorn just trying to decide what to do now. I'm not sure I need to know what happened to the other "maids," or the job of the gargoyles. Those are plot things. For a piece like this, I'd rather have a punchy ending that's more about sentiment than about plot. I say keep the goodbyes with the unicorn a little simpler and less technical. For a piece like this, I don't think you should be afraid to leave some things hanging a little bit.

I have to go now, but please let me know if you want to talk about anything I've said! I'll be happy to discuss it with you.

Erm, I mean I won't be happy at all and if you have problems with what I said you should just go off by yourself and cry about them because I don't care about you or your writing at all. ^_~

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