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Colin Strider Chapter Two



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Sun Mar 20, 2011 8:32 pm
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Napier says...



The two friends arrived at their mediocre school just after eight o’clock. St Luke's Secondary School was a complex of low, concrete buildings that seemed to throw the grey day into sharp, miserable relief. Even the birds seemed to avoid it. Colin spotted two seagulls perched on a tree away from it, and he could almost hear them, cautiously whispering to one another, warning themselves not to get to close.

The kids there were horrendous, most of them came from a rough background and the older kids spent most of the time sneaking out of school, smoking outside of lessons, and generally looking nasty.

Colin and Rachel avoided them as much as possible as they made their separate ways, into their tutor groups, where Colin usually sat at the back, reading or drawing mostly. He felt great when he was drawing, isolated from the rest of the Year 8s, in his own separate world. He wasn't half bad at it, either; he examined a pretty good sketch of the Green Goblin from Spider-Man and made a mental note to finish it at home when the bell rang. He tucked it into his bag almost secretly- woe betide him if the kids at school found out he was a comic fan.

The rest of the day passed drearily. A typical Monday for Colin consisted of History, followed by double Maths, a lunch break, then English and finally Chemistry.

He sat through each lesson almost robotically, completing the work and chatting to Rachel, who was in most of his lessons, luckily, and ignoring the jibes and insults whispered spitefully at him.

The other kids at school didn't "get" Colin. His name was weird, for starters. He like "old" rock music and his parents origin gave him a slightly posh accent. His parents were from London, but decided to move to Petersfield when Mary was pregnant with Colin. And the fact that his Dad owned Ballister's Publishers, a company that delighted in introducing "new and exciting" fantasy books to teenagers, didn't help. Colin doubted if any of the kids here had read half a decent book.

At last, the shrill ring of the bell sliced through the air, and Colin hurried outside to meet Rachel by the school gate.

He noticed her waiting outside, but before he could rush over, a force stopped him. A force with bulging muscles. A force with blonde, spiky hair and an ugly smile.

It was Rick Banner, a Year 11, hell-bent on seeking out people bigger than him to fight. He usually won. Colin had often wondered if he was insecure about his height- he was barely taller than Colin; short for a Year 11 but wide and strong.

"You're gonna give me your lunch money, Flash," he snarled, and held out a massive hand expectantly.

"Sorry R-Rick," Colin spluttered nervously. Rick scared him witless, and he always fell to pieces when he was threatened. "Didn't have any. S-Sandwiches." He smiled anxiously and tried to go round him.

"What's the matter?" Rick shot back at Colin as he walked away. "Can't afford the school lunches? You're such a loser.”
He paused, thinking of new insults to throw at Colin.
“In fact, you know why your girlfriend,” he emphasised the word with heavy irony. Even if he didn’t know what that meant. “Hangs around with you?”

Colin turned on his heels to face Rick.

“Pity.” Rick said with deep contempt.

Colin was angry now. He balled his hands into fists. People were watching now. Colin Strider was about to have his face smashed in, and they were excited. The only person there who was worried, was Rachel. She was shaking her head furiously at him. He's not worth it. He could practically read her thoughts.

“Strider’s looking for a fight!” jeered Rick, his fists clenched too. “Don’t think getting your arse kicked is gonna impress your bird, matey.”

Colin ran full speed at Rick. He was going to hurt him, hit him, kick him. Rick would see who the big man was when his nose was covered in blood and he was calling for his precious mummy.

But Rick’s fist came into contact with Colin’s face with ease. He felt his nose crumple and warm blood flowed. His face contorted with extreme pain, and he lay by Rick’s feet as he laughed at Colin.

Colin scrambled to his feet, face red with both blood and anger. He licked his lips and tasted blood. He spat on the ground; clear, bubbly saliva mixed with thick blood.


"You think...?" began Colin, pointing at Rick's smug face. Before he could finish, however, his hand jerked forward slightly. And a lightning bolt of brilliant blue fled from his finger. There was the sound of deafening thunder, and then Rick exploded backwards.

Colin couldn't believe what he was seeing. As Rick flew through the air, he was quivering in pain from electricity that still clutched to him. He yelled, terrified.

And then the wall stopped him. Painfully.

The force of Rick flying through the air had made a large dent in the brick wall. Several bricks and clumps of plaster crumbled from the building and onto Rick’s unmoving body that was charred red from the lethal electricity.

A couple of kids screamed. Then some more. Colin was stared at in horror and then they fled.

Rachel was there. He looked down at his hand. It was smoking. The full realisation hadn't yet gripped him. Was he in a dream? Was it a new stage of that recurring nightmare? Crazy, surely, but maybe. Maybe he'd wake up if he slapped himself.

His hand was in the air, ready to give a blow to his face, but then Colin remembered Rachel. He didn't want to look like an idiot in front of her.

"How did you do that?" she inquired. She didn't look scared, oddly. Worried, yes, but like she had seen this before, but didn't expect to see Colin do it; and yet, something else too.

"I... I don't know," he spluttered. "I just got... really angry. And then he... or I… exploded."

He looked over at the smoking wreckage that was the wall that had stopped Rick. He saw a hand, a scarred, burnt hand emerge, shake and then drop.

"You need to come with me." Rachel said, calmly.

"What?" Colin said, surprised, his eyes darting to hers.

"There really isn't much time to explain," she replied, quicker this time. Hasty. "But I can help you."

Colin took a sigh of preparation.

"OK."

Rachel clutched his hand and led him on. She started muttering almost inaudibly to herself. Colin heard ramblings like "the Containers", "Gaia", and "Claw", which made no sense to him.

Rachel took him down a deserted alleyway between a bunch of dirty houses.

She turned to Colin.

"I'm going to open up a wormhole."
Last edited by Napier on Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:00 pm, edited 9 times in total.
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

Formerly BadlyDrawnLightning
  





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Mon Mar 21, 2011 4:11 pm
Phaix says...



I LOVE this story :) I actually laughed out loud when Colin got his magic on and blasted the bully! It's very easy to read and the story is fun and endearing.

I have a few critiques - firstly, and I think I may have said this before, don't rush! The first part of the chapter, when Colin is in his lessons, feels like it is brushed over. Either embellish it to add something to the plot of the story, or get rid of it completely. You don't want anything to bog the story down :)

Just a few nit-picks;

The two friends arrived at their mediocre school just after 8:00. St Luke's Secondary School was a complex of low, concrete buildings that seemed to throw the grey day into sharp, miserable relief. Even the birds seemed to avoid it.


This should be "eight in the morning" or something similar rather than using numerals.

Also, I LOVE this description of the school. It reminds me of my secondary school!

It was Rick Banner, a Year 11, hell-bent on seeking out people bigger than him to fight. He usually won.


Don't you mean smaller? Bigger doesn't make sense!

All in all, I thought this was great, and I can't wait for more. Just keep an eye on your pacing!
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Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:13 pm
Sandvich says...



Good stuff. I like how you add in little details like what lessons Colin had, whether he was with Raechel (probably spelt her name wrong... xD) or not, and how and why the other kids bully him. It adds a sense of realism, and believe me, the school is pretty realistic.
One thing I did find kind of strange, and correct me if I'm wrong, was that the bully asked Colin for his lunch money AFTER school, when he would have spent it already. Was the bully just trying to find a reason to fight him?
I liked how this Rick character seems to be insecure about his height(?), meaning that he beats up taller kids than him.
I also really liiked how sudden the lightning thing was. Is Rick dead? Or will he return later for his revenge? :P
All in all, another great piece. If you keep going like this you should have very few problems getting published. :)
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Wed May 04, 2011 3:24 pm
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Qoh16 says...



Omg. I love this story. It is so entertaining that I am skipping doing my own Chemistry homework (XD) to read this. It seems like a cross between Harry Potter and the marvel comics. That's a good thing. I didn't really see anything to nitpick or anything. I was too much into the story. Ok now onto chapter three!!! :)
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Wed May 04, 2011 10:02 pm
synismysyn3 says...



lol i wwas like "wht the hell happened to Collin???!" lmao i was sitting in my seat the entire time, wondering wht the hell was going to happen to Collin ! (: vey good story you kick ass at writinggg
  





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Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:44 am
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Davethepenquin says...



Very nice.
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1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
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Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:11 pm
Davethepenquin says...



I noticed something.
BadlyDrawnLightning wrote:Colin was angry now. He balled his hands into fists. People were watching now. Colin Flash was about to have his face smashed in, and they were excited. The only person there who was worried, was Rachel. She was shaking her head furiously at him. He's not worth it. He could practically read her thoughts.

It still has Colin's original surname. I think that Strider is a much more interesting name that Flash.
P.S. Im NOT point farming.
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

Bonjour mon petit bureau de change!

Voila, le conversation dans le parc!
  





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Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:15 pm
Napier says...



Damn- I didn't notice that.
Thanks, I will make amendments.
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

Formerly BadlyDrawnLightning
  








Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb