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The Key (part 1)



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Thu Mar 17, 2011 9:32 pm
armstronge says...



This is a story that I'm planning on submitting for the school's writing fair contest. I figured that I could use some help on the editing and all that, so I decided to post it up here. Please write a review, I'd be very grateful. Thanks! :D


The fight began in a flash. The fist came sooner than Adriana had expected. She ducked low and swung her fist in a counter-attack. In moments, Dorian and his goons were all on the ground, moaning and groaning. Adriana scoffed, and said, “That's all you got?”
Dorian stood up, staggering. “You're going to be in big trouble this time!” Then he dashed back in to the school. Adriana frowned, staring after Dorian. One of him goons scrambled up hastily. After shooting a look at Adriana he rushed off, chasing after his best friend. Adriana shrugged; Dorian had been the one to start the fight.
She remembered him coming up behind her with the normal “Hey Klane.” greeting. Then, after a few taunts from each side, Dorian had lost his temper and had started the fight. She remembered the feeling of adrenaline pumping through her as she dodged the hands and feet. Now that the fight was over, she felt exhausted Adriana turned and headed down the concrete steps of the school when a shout made her freeze.
“Wait right there, Miss Klane!” The principal came bounding towards her. His brown hair ruffled from having run all the way from his office.
Sighing, Adriana turned to face the principal. Here we go again, she thought wearily. “What is it, Mr. Martin?”
“What is it? Can't you see? You picked a fight with Dorian and his friends!” Mr. Martin, the principal, shrieked. His gray suit was becoming increasingly crumpled as his stress level shot up, and his tie was whipping around. Behind Mr. Martin, Dorian was grinning. Though he had lost to Adriana in the fight, he would still win against her.
He always won.
“I can see that, Mr. Martin.” Adriana replied casually. She knew what was coming, and planned on stalling as long as she could.
“Come with me, Miss Klane, to my office.” Mr. Martin gripped her arm tightly, and lead her back towards the school. “We need to talk about your behavior.” Adriana glared at Dorian as she walked past, and he smiled wickedly back at her.
Mr. Martin wounded his way around the number of hallways until they reached his office. He pushed the wooden door open.
“Sit down,” Mr. Martin said curtly. Adriana, stubborn as she was, lingered for a while before finally doing as he had said.
“Now,” He clasped his hands together trying to maintain his composure, though anger blazed in his eyes. “Why don't you explain about your delinquent behavior?”
“What's there to explain, Mr. Martin?” Adriana leaned back in the stiff chair, pretending to feel comfortable, which she knew would annoy him.
“Loads of things!” Mr. Martin exploded, waving his chubby hands in the air. “Why did you decide to suddenly hurt my dear nephew and his friends?”
Adriana scoffed, and said, “Me? I wasn't the one who started the fight. He was the one who came up to me first. He was the one who swung his fist first. I didn't do anything.”
“If you didn't do anything, then why did I find my nephew running up to me with bruises and cuts? You hurt him! I'm going to have to talk to your parents.”
“Go ahead. Not that you can talk to my parents. Have you forgotten? You don't know who they are or where they are. Not that I do, either.” Adriana muttered the last sentence quietly.
He sighed. “Then I'll talk to your guardian, Mrs. Simmon wasn't it? Alright, you'll be suspended for a week. Now, get out of here.” Mr. Martin didn't have to tell Adiana twice. In a flash, she was out the office door and down the halls. She was used to running, used to getting yelled at and teased at.
She burst out of the school's double doors and dashed past Dorian and his pals who were sitting on the stairs. Hearing some of them snicker and giggle, she picked up speed and soon found herself on the familiar path towards the orphanage. The deserted road was covered in dust and pebbles. She kicked them angrily.
It had always been like this. Dorian would come and pick a fight with her and she would win. He was a sore loser, and since he always lost to her in fist fights, he'd get back on her by getting her in trouble. Even when she beat up some other kids, Dorian would pop up with his uncle and the blame would all fall on to her. No matter how much protesting and explaining was done, she was always the culprit.
Sighing, Adriana turned and spotted the shabby, run-down building. Once a brilliant blue color, the orphanage was now a dull gray. The paint had long ago peeled off. Parts of the walls had tiny holes in them. The brown roof's shingles were slowly coming off, and its paint along with it. The orphanage was crumbling, and there wasn't enough money to save it. If no one adopted Adriana soon, she would be sent to another orphanage in a totally different state. Oh dear, I'm probably going to get the Try-To-Avoid-Him lecture this time. She thought bitterly. I bet Dorian's laughing his butt off right now.
Pushing the door open, the smell of Mrs. Simmon's famous cooking welcomed Adriana in. Adriana hung up her coat, unsure whether or not Mrs. Simmon had received the news yet. She entered the kitchen, the smell of soup and bread creating a mouth-watering aroma. Mrs. Simmon turned around, hearing Adriana's foot steps. As Adriana set the table, Mrs. Simmon brought the soup and bread over.
“I got a call from the principal.” Mrs. Simmon said, ladling soup in to a bowl for Adriana. Adriana's hopes sank; whenever she got in trouble, Mrs. Simmon always started the discussion with the same sentence. She began the lecture about ignoring Dorian's voice. Adriana just nodded from time to time, zoning out every once in a while. Bo-oring. Adriana thought, but she didn't say anything. She'd heard the lecture so many times, that she could probably recite it.
Mrs. Simmon finished her speech. The girl sighed, and pushed her chair back. “I'm going outside for a while.” Then she left the dining room. A draft of cold wind hit her as she closed the door behind her. Half of the sun had already sank beneath the horizon, casting a orange glow onto the orphanage. She sank down on the steps of the building.
“Hey!” A young boy about Adriana's age raced up to her. “Are you Adriana Klane?”
“Ye-ah,” Adriana said slowly, uncertainty overwhelming her. “What do you want?” Her eyes sweeping across the boy. They were now a light green color. The boy had dark blond hair that was trimmed short. He had a simple pair of jeans on and a plain white shirt on. Who is this person? Maybe someone under Dorian, probably here to spy on me.
“You have green eyes?” The boy sounded shock, which only added onto her growing suspicion.
“They're hazel. They just look green when it gets late.” Adriana shrugged. “What do you want? Who are you anyway?”
“My name's Lloyd Fletcher.” He said, stretching out his hand. Adriana shook it, and Lloyd sat down beside her. “I've heard lots about you. You're infamous at our school.”
“You go to the same school that I do?” Adriana asked, though she wasn't surprised that he had heard about her. There were always constant whacked-out rumors about her and her fights. Because of the rumors and her horrible reputation, Adriana was never given a chance to make friends. Everyone avoided her as best as the could. Only people like Dorian, who were itching for a fight, would come and seek her.
“Yeah,” Lloyd nodded. “I'm also in the same grade as you. I heard about the fight you had with my step-brother.”
“A fight with your step-brother? Who's your step-brother?” Adriana searched her memory for a fight with someone older than her. There wasn't a lot of fights with older kids. Adriana was only fifteen and had just started going to the high school. Maybe it's Brenton, he was a Senior. Or it could be Tyree. No, neither of them look like Lloyd.
“It was the fight that happened today. You got suspended for a week because of it.” Lloyd tried to explain. When Adriana gave him a puzzled look, he continued. “My step-brother is Dorian.” Adriana glanced at Lloyd. He seems innocent enough, how could he be related to Dorian? Adriana looked Lloyd up and down, searching for a clue about the stranger.
“What? So your uncle is the principal?”
“No, he's not related to me at all. My dad married Dorian's mom, which makes him my step-brother. But my dad passed away a bit later after that. I'm living with my mom right now. Since Dorian's uncle, the principal is from his dad's side, I'm not related to him.”
“I'm sorry.” Adriana glanced at Lloyd, who shrugged.
“It's okay.” The two of them sat in silence. Adriana gazed at the sun that was melting away, while Lloyd was examining his surroundings. The orphanage's yard had trees and flowers growing wildly about. There were all kinds of flowers growing: lilies, tulips, hyacinths. They seemed to glow with their vibrant colors as they danced in the wind. So this is where the Key lives. It's not bad. Lloyd thought.
“So why did you want to find me?” Adriana turned back to Lloyd, breaking the silence. Her curiosity was nearly reaching its peak. No one walked near her, much less talk to her.
“Well, I just wanted to meet you. I never liked Dorian at all. He has a big mouth.” Lloyd watched as a smile lit up Adriana's face. Am I winning her trust? Lloyd was delighted to see the smile. He had seen the doubt in her eyes and the closed way she seemed to be towards him.
“He does!” She agreed. “I'm glad someone finally noticed.”
“I think everyone knows that. They just don't want to say it. If they do, Dorian and his gang will beat them up. Hey, you beat Dorian in the fight, right? How many minions did he have that fought you?”
Adriana's smile widened. “You call them his minions? I call them his goons. Let me think. I think there were four in total. He had three goons, I think.”
Adriana and Lloyd continued talking. Adriana could feel happiness swelling inside her. Her suspicions had vanished. She had found a friend. She had found someone like her.
After half an hour, Lloyd bid good-bye, waving. He walked past the orphanage's gates and rounded the corner, heading down the road. A sudden buzzing occurred, and Lloyd's hand flew in to his pocket. He flipped his cellphone open and said, “Good evening, sir.”
“So?” A demanding voice asked. “Did you find the Key?”
“Yeah, but she doesn't know that she's the Key. I don't even think she knows about The Key and the monster.” Lloyd replied in a quiet voice, continuing down the road.
“Hm... Well, I want you to bring her here tomorrow.” The man said. “You might want to explain to her too.”
“By tomorrow? Are you sure, sir?”
“Yes, if we don't get her here soon, then the mobs will start tracking her down. The fear is already spreading.”
“Alright,” Lloyd sighed.
“Is that all you have to report to me?” The man asked.
“Yeah... Oh! Sir, I think she has some magical powers that haven't been awaken.” Lloyd said, a spark of memory hitting him. “Maybe we won't have to do it the usual way.”
“Tch!” The man sneered. “Yeah right! Don't get your hopes up! Remember that time when you also thought that she had magical powers?!”
“But, sir! I'm sure of it this time! It's true! It's a lot more known. When I was sitting beside her, I could feel the powers! I'm-”
“Enough! I don't want to hear about it.” Then there was a click and Lloyd knew that he had hung up. Sighing, Lloyd slipped his cellphone back into his pocket.
“Remember that time when you also thought that she had magical powers?” He's wrong, Lloyd thought sourly. I'm sure of it this time.
Lloyd hadn't forgotten about it. He remembered it all too clearly. The flash of the golden light, and then nothing. He could still see the look of shock and disappointment on his superior's face. Lloyd shook his head. He didn't want to dwell on the past.
Last edited by armstronge on Thu Mar 24, 2011 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”
  





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Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:10 pm
kelifa223 says...



I like it
Kelifa
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Sat Mar 19, 2011 3:04 am
Evi says...



Hey armstronge! Evi here. Best of luck in the writing contest. :D

His gray suit had became increasingly crumpled,


Had become, first of all. Also, 'had become" suggests that his suit started out crumpled and turned more so during some event, but there isn't really an event here. You might want to change it to "was becoming increasingly crumpled the more worked up he got" or something similar.

“I got a call from the principal.” Mrs. Simmon said,


You do this a couple of times, so let me point out that the period there should be a comma. Check out this article on dialogue punctuation.

Overall, this has an interesting premise. The part at the end about the key and magical powers surprised me a bit; I hadn't noticed the forum and nothing earlier suggested this would be a fantasy story. I do have a couple of overall suggestions.

1.) Don't mention names so much. When you're just talking about Adriana and Mr. Martin in a scene, after using their names once or twice you can switch to "she" and "he". It's a bit harder with two females, like with Mrs. Simmon, but you can still say "she" occasionally, and maybe "the woman" or "the girl" to differentiate. The names just get repetitive.

2.) Lay off on the appearance description too. That's important, but not yet-- in the first chapter you want to set up the personality and thought process of your narrator, not her curly almond-colored hair. Instead, let us inside her head. How does she feel with these boys closing in on her? Is she frustrated and sick of it, or so used to the fights that it doesn't faze her? Does her conscience tell her not to use violence? What about when she meets Lloyd? I would be a bit suspicious that this guy was just coming up to me to talk about my infamous reputation, especially when he said he was my arch enemy's relative. Have her react more internally-- I don't feel like we know much about Adriana at all yet.

3.) Also, it's simply not possible that one girl beat eleven boys in a fight, all alone. At least not without someone noticing that she's super-girl with extreme magical ninja skills. It's not realistic enough not to have been discovered yet-- three or four attackers at most, maybe, and only if they're pretty slow cronies. I'd also like to see more of that fight in the beginning- it would give us some interesting insight into how her mind works.

4.) Honestly, I'd suggest cutting the scene with Mrs. Simmon. If you're entering this into a writing fair contest, it probably can't be too long, and in writing contests every word and every scene has to be essential. That scene isn't-- you could easily sum up that conversation in a paragraph of Adriana avoided home because she knows she'll get a lecture. You want to cut to the main action and plot, which is her meeting with Lloyd.

Anyway, interesting so far. Your writing style is clean for the most part, but it's also rather sparse-- add some thoughts, description of the setting, and background action during the conversations to make it more engaging. :) Best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  





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Thu Mar 31, 2011 5:27 pm
SpencerNolanRivers says...



Hi. My name is Kiara and I've read about 1/3 of the whole thing. There are several errors that can easily be fixed by proof-reading over this again, so not too much of a big deal, but my biggest problem with this piece is that we don't get too much of a feel with how the characters are feeling or what's going through their minds. It's a better way to connect with a story once you are able to connect with the characters.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.
  





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Sun Apr 03, 2011 3:20 pm
carbonCore says...



Spoiler! :

The fight began in a flash. The fist came sooner than Adriana had expected. She ducked low and swung her fist in a counter-attack. In moments, Dorian and his goons were all on the ground, moaning and groaning. [That was fast. Add a bit more detail to this] Adriana scoffed, and said, “That's all you got?”

Dorian stood up, staggering. [Maybe "staggered"?] “You're going to be in big trouble this time!” Then he dashed back in to the school. Adriana frowned, staring after Dorian. One of him his goons scrambled up hastily. After shooting a look at Adriana he rushed off, chasing after his best friend. Adriana shrugged; Dorian had been the one to start the fight.

She remembered him coming up behind her with the normal “Hey Klane.” greeting. Then, after a few taunts from each side, Dorian had lost his temper and had started the fight. She remembered the feeling of adrenaline pumping through her as she dodged the hands and feet. Now that the fight was over, she felt exhausted [Period here] Adriana turned and headed down the concrete steps of the school when a shout made her freeze.

“Wait right there, Miss Klane!” The principal came bounding towards her. His brown hair ruffled from having run all the way from his office.

Sighing, Adriana turned to face the principal. Here we go again, she thought wearily. [How does one think wearily?] “What is it, Mr. Martin?”

“What is it? Can't you see? You picked a fight with Dorian and his friends!” Mr. Martin, the principal, shrieked. His gray suit was becoming increasingly crumpled as his stress level shot up he became more stressed, and his tie was whipping around. Behind Mr. Martin, Dorian was grinning. Though he had lost to Adriana in the fight, he would still win against her.

He always won.

“I can see that, Mr. Martin.” Adriana replied casually. She knew what was coming, and planned on stalling as long as she could.

“Come with me, Miss Klane, to my office.” Mr. Martin gripped her arm tightly [What time period is this in? Nowadays, teachers can't really do that. It's considered assault, apparently], and lead her back towards the school. “We need to talk about your behavior.” Adriana glared at Dorian as she walked past, and he smiled wickedly back at her.

Mr. Martin wounded his way around the number of through the hallways until they reached his office. He pushed the wooden door open.

“Sit down,” Mr. Martin said curtly. Adriana, stubborn as she was, lingered for a while before finally doing as he had said.

“Now,” He clasped his hands together trying to maintain his composure, though anger blazed in his eyes. “Why don't you explain about your delinquent behavior?”

“What's there to explain, Mr. Martin?” Adriana leaned back in the stiff chair, pretending to feel comfortable, which she knew would annoy him.

“Loads of things!” Mr. Martin exploded, waving his chubby hands in the air. “Why did you decide to suddenly hurt my dear nephew and his friends?”

Adriana scoffed, and said, “Me? I wasn't the one who started the fight. He was the one who came up to me first. He was the one who swung his fist first. I didn't do anything.”

“If you didn't do anything, then why did I find my nephew running up to me with bruises and cuts? You hurt him! I'm going to have to talk to your parents.”

“Go ahead. Not that you can talk to my parents. Have you forgotten? You don't know who they are or where they are. Not that I do, either.” Adriana muttered the last sentence quietly.

He sighed. “Then I'll talk to your guardian, Mrs. Simmon wasn't it? Alright, you'll be suspended for a week. Now, get out of here.” Mr. Martin didn't have to tell Adiana twice. In a flash, she was out the office door and down the halls. She was used to running, used to getting yelled at and teased at.

She burst out of the school's double doors and dashed past Dorian and his pals who were sitting on the stairs. Hearing some of them snicker and giggle, she picked up speed and soon found herself on the familiar path towards the orphanage. The deserted road was covered in dust and pebbles. She kicked them angrily.

It had always been like this. Dorian would come and pick a fight with her and she would win. He was a sore loser, and since he always lost to her in fist fights, he'd get back on her by getting her in trouble. Even when she beat up some other kids, Dorian would pop up with his uncle and the blame would all fall on to her. No matter how much protesting and explaining was done, she was always the culprit.

Sighing, Adriana turned and spotted the shabby, run-down building. Once a brilliant blue color, the orphanage was now a dull gray. The paint had long ago peeled off. Parts of the walls had tiny holes in them. The brown roof's shingles were slowly coming off, and its paint along with it. The orphanage was crumbling, and there wasn't enough money to save it. If no one adopted Adriana soon, she would be sent to another orphanage in a totally different state. Oh dear, I'm probably going to get the Try-To-Avoid-Him lecture this time, she thought bitterly. I bet Dorian's laughing his butt off right now.

Pushing the door open, the smell of Mrs. Simmon's famous cooking welcomed Adriana in. Adriana hung up her coat, unsure whether or not Mrs. Simmon had received the news yet. She entered the kitchen, the smell of soup and bread creating a mouth-watering aroma. Mrs. Simmon turned around, hearing Adriana's foot steps. As Adriana set the table, Mrs. Simmon brought the soup and bread over.

“I got a call from the principal.” Mrs. Simmon said, ladling soup in to a bowl for Adriana. Adriana's hopes sank; whenever she got in trouble, Mrs. Simmon always started the discussion with the same sentence. She began the lecture about ignoring Dorian's voice. Adriana just nodded from time to time, zoning out every once in a while. Bo-oring. Adriana thought, but she didn't say anything. She'd heard the lecture so many times, that she could probably recite it.

Mrs. Simmon finished her speech. The girl sighed, and pushed her chair back. “I'm going outside for a while.” Then she left the dining room. A draft of cold wind hit her as she closed the door behind her. Half of the sun had already sank beneath the horizon, casting a orange glow onto the orphanage. She sank down on the steps of the building.

“Hey!” A young boy about Adriana's age raced up to her. “Are you Adriana Klane?”

“Ye-ah,” Adriana said slowly, uncertainty overwhelming her. [What. She's okay with fighting, but the second someone she doesn't know approaches her, she's uncertain? Doesn't seem realistic at all] “What do you want?” Her eyes sweeping across the boy. They were now a light green color. [What do her eyes have to do with anything at all?] The boy had dark blond hair that was trimmed short. He had a simple pair of jeans on and a plain white shirt on. Who is this person? Maybe someone under Dorian, probably here to spy on me.

“You have green eyes?” The boy sounded shocked, which only added onto her growing suspicion.

“They're hazel. They just look green when it gets late.” Adriana shrugged. “What do you want? Who are you anyway?”

“My name's Lloyd Fletcher.” He said, stretching out his hand. Adriana shook it, and Lloyd sat down beside her. “I've heard lots about you. You're infamous at our school.”

“You go to the same school that I do?” Adriana asked, though she wasn't surprised that he had heard about her. There were always constant whacked-out rumors about her and her fights. Because of the rumors and her horrible reputation, Adriana was never given a chance to make friends. Everyone avoided her as best as the could. Only people like Dorian, who were itching for a fight, would come and seek her.

“Yeah,” Lloyd nodded. “I'm also in the same grade as you. I heard about the fight you had with my step-brother.”

“A fight with your step-brother? Who's your step-brother?” Adriana searched her memory for a fight with someone older than her. There wasn't a lot of fights with older kids. Adriana was only fifteen and had just started going to the high school. Maybe it's Brenton, he was a Senior. Or it could be Tyree. No, neither of them look like Lloyd.

“It was the fight that happened today. You got suspended for a week because of it.” Lloyd tried to explain. When Adriana gave him a puzzled look, he continued. “My step-brother is Dorian.” Adriana glanced at Lloyd. He seems innocent enough, how could he be related to Dorian? Adriana looked Lloyd up and down, searching for a clue about the stranger.

“What? So your uncle is the principal?”

“No, he's not related to me at all. My dad married Dorian's mom, which makes him my step-brother. But my dad passed away a bit later after that. I'm living with my mom right now. Since Dorian's uncle, the principal is from his dad's side, I'm not related to him.”

“I'm sorry.” Adriana glanced at Lloyd, who shrugged.

“It's okay.” The two of them sat in silence. Adriana gazed at the sun that was melting away, while Lloyd was examining his surroundings. The orphanage's yard had trees and flowers growing wildly about. There were all kinds of flowers growing: lilies, tulips, hyacinths. They seemed to glow with their vibrant colors as they danced in the wind. So this is where the Key lives. It's not bad, Lloyd thought.

“So why did you want to find me?” Adriana turned back to Lloyd, breaking the silence. Her curiosity was nearly reaching its peak. No one walked near her, much less talk to her.

“Well, I just wanted to meet you. I never liked Dorian at all. He has a big mouth.” Lloyd watched as a smile lit up Adriana's face. Am I winning her trust? Lloyd was delighted to see the smile. He had seen the doubt in her eyes and the closed way she seemed to be towards him.

“He does!” She agreed. “I'm glad someone finally noticed.”

“I think everyone knows that. They just don't want to say it. If they do, Dorian and his gang will beat them up. Hey, you beat Dorian in the fight, right? How many minions did he have that fought you?”

Adriana's smile widened. “You call them his minions? I call them his goons. Let me think. I think there were four in total. He had three goons, I think.”

Adriana and Lloyd continued talking. Adriana could feel happiness swelling inside her. Her suspicions had vanished. [Why did they vanish so quickly?] She had found a friend. She had found someone like her. [...WHAT? She talked to him for like less than a minute!]

After half an hour, Lloyd bid good-bye, waving. [What happened in that half an hour?] He walked past the orphanage's gates and rounded the corner, heading down the road. A sudden buzzing occurred, and Lloyd's hand flew in to his pocket. He flipped his cellphone open and said, “Good evening, sir.”

“So?” A demanding voice asked. “Did you find the Key?”

“Yeah, but she doesn't know that she's the Key. I don't even think she knows about The Key and the monster.” Lloyd replied in a quiet voice, continuing down the road.

“Hm... Well, I want you to bring her here tomorrow.” The man said. “You might want to explain to her too.”

“By tomorrow? Are you sure, sir?”

“Yes, if we don't get her here soon, then the mobs will start tracking her down. The fear is already spreading.”

“Alright,” Lloyd sighed.

“Is that all you have to report to me?” The man asked.

“Yeah... Oh! Sir, I think she has some magical powers that haven't been awakened.” Lloyd said, a spark of memory hitting him. “Maybe we won't have to do it the usual way.”

“Tch!” The man sneered. “Yeah right! Don't get your hopes up! Remember that time when you also thought that she had magical powers?!”

“But, sir! I'm sure of it this time! It's true! It's a lot more known. When I was sitting beside her, I could feel the powers! I'm-”

“Enough! I don't want to hear about it.” Then there was a click and Lloyd knew that he had hung up. Sighing, Lloyd slipped his cellphone back into his pocket.

“Remember that time when you also thought that she had magical powers?” He's wrong, Lloyd thought sourly. I'm sure of it this time.

Lloyd hadn't forgotten about it. He remembered it all too clearly. The flash of the golden light, and then nothing. He could still see the look of shock and disappointment on his superior's face. Lloyd shook his head. He didn't want to dwell on the past.



The spoiler above contains my full text critique. My comments are in [red brackets], any corrections I've made are crossed out and in red.

Hmm... well, this is a pretty good exercise, I'd say. But an exercise is all it is. Write more works like this, read more, and you'll be able to write a good piece. "But cC, that implies that this isn't a good piece! Why are you so mean?" you ask. Well, thank you for asking that. I'll try my best to answer. :)

First of all, I will talk about your style. You weave between writing too much description and using very bland prose. For instance, the way you describe Lloyd is what we call here "a police sketch". He was this high, this wide, he wore this, this, and this, and he was absolutely hot. Well, I didn't really read that description, because my eyes glazed as I tried to. It's too boring. Try to involve it in the story a little. "He wore tattered blue jeans. Just like Adrianna's first boyfriend." Or something like that. If you can't tie the way the character looks into the story, why bother writing what he looks like at all? "The American girl took off her hat." That is literally the only line Hemingway used in one of his novels to describe any characters. That's it. There were no other character descriptions at all. Does that make him a bad writer?... if you know who Hemingway is, I'm sure you will disagree.

Second: the story. Everything was way too predictable. The characters are one-dimensional, so there can be no talk of depth. A single-dimensional line can either go forward or backward; same thing with your characters, there's really so little to them that it makes it very easy to predict what they'll do. By the third paragraph, I could guess that nobody likes Adriana, she's going to get in trouble, she has no friends, etc etc etc. And of course the boy that's sent to scout out her magic powers turns out to be her only friend. Why? Wouldn't it be so much cooler if it was Dorian who had to do this? Imagine the conflict: Dorian comes to Adriana after school, he looks down at the ground, says, "Adriana... I know we've had our differences, but there is something important you need to do. Something more important than either of us. Please, hear me out." Instead, she immediately takes a liking to Lloyd, which presumably makes his job much easier.

Finally: the potential. Don't worry, it's there. As chliched this kind of main character gets - a lonely orphan with no friends - her negative feelings towards everyone else can be exploited for a lot of delicious, heart-tugging drama. Now if you could only throw a bit more magic in (for instance: Adriana is this "key". I have no idea what a "key" is, but it sounds like she has magic powers. Can't you have these magic powers act up in some way before she finds out she's the key? So that she herself starts doubting the truth about her existence?), you'll be golden. But writing all this takes skill - skill comes with exercise - and, as I mentioned in the beginning of this review, this is a great writing exercise. Next time, try to do a little more with your characters' feelings. :)

Your servant,
cC
_
  








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