Young Writers Society

There was once a time when ships from spanish and english town were sailing the Caribbean sea bringing goods from a town to another. But they didn't always reach their target because the sea was also full of the most powerful and cruel pirates the world has ever seen. Above them all, there was the king of the pirates. Captain Jack.
Captain Jack was a tall and well formed man about 43 years old. Unlike the another pirates he had no scar from his battles. His frigate "La Signora" had only 30 men as crew, but they were enough, because they were the best sailors in the entire Caribbean. The crew loved their captain and he loved them. Captain Jack was a very special man. He didn't had that thirst for blood so common to the another pirates. When he was plundering a ship he killed all those who dared to oppose him and set free those who surrounded.
One day, after the capture of a spanish treasure vessel he said to his crew:
"We had a good day, right mates?"
"Yes, captain."
"We have a lot of gold, right mates?"
"Yes, captain."
"Well, since our "signora" is a bit overloaded with it, what do you think we should do, mates?"
"Bury, bury, bury."
"Good idea."
"Captain" said Jack's right hand; "where shall we hide our treasure?"
"But off course my dear comrade, on our mother land, the island of San Juan."
Two months lasted the journey, but in the end they arrived. They landed on the morning of 19 of May and found a spot in the heart of the island.
"Since it's thanks to you that we have this treasure, I will let you have the pleasure of hiding it."
He went to the beach in the meantime and didn't return before the work was done.
From that time, Jack was never the same. Day by day he become more silent and more somber. The crew began to worry. Some of them belived that the ghost of those he killed were hunting him, others thought he was possessed by demons.
One day they arrived at the island of San Juan to bury another treasure. This time however the captain said:
"Mates, the time has arrived to show you something of great importance."
He lead them to the beach and then to a cave they never knew about. They entered in the cave guided by their captain. They arrived in the center of the cave where there was a spot illuminated by the moon through a hole in the ceiling.
"Look."
Jack went in the light and changed. His skin become white, his face pale like a dead's man and his eyes red like blood.
"You see now comrades?"
"Captain, what happened to you?"
"What will also happen to you."
"Aaarrrhhh!!!"
Many years passed since then. Ships started to disappear without leaving a trace that they ever existed or that the people on them ever lived.

Hi a good story i really appreciate your work just polish your details and style you know a spark is needed for a good story your story has that but polish a little JUT BE CAREFUL WITH ONE THING PIRATES IS A VERY SENSITIVE AND A COMMON TOPIC MANY MOVIES LIKE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN AND TREASURE ISLAND BOOKS ARE WRITTEN ON THIS THEME jut be different.. Good luck!

IT has potential. Like the other reviewer said, watch what you write. Although this is fan fiction so it doesn't really matter too much. Keep the story original too. What's the name of the other vessel? I noticed a few grammer mistakes. Here's one:

He didn't had that thirst for blood so common to the another pirates

Should be He didn't have that thirst for blood, so common to other pirates (optional)

Guys, I'm really sorry for replying after some many months. The fact is that I have been caught whith some serios school problems and I couldn't do anything I ussually do. I really apreciate your reviews.

To answer Rahul: I wrote this storry specifically for a group about pirates and vapires I was part of, that's why it's the typicall pirate story. I posted it here so as to see what other people think about it. As for polishing my details and style, some of my friends have told me this as well, I'm trying to be better.

For kathy45662: The other vessel doesn't really have a name if you are talking about the spanish treasure vessel, I didn't found it really necessary to give it one, but if your think it's a good ideea to give it one then I will. About the grammar errors, I must say that I'm not a native english speaker and I have some problems with the grammar. I really apreciate that you showed me where I made mistakes.

Thank you both for your reviews.

There was once a time when ships from spanish and english town were sailing the Caribbean sea bringing goods from a town to another. But they didn't always reach their target because the sea was also full of the most powerful and cruel pirates the world has ever seen. Above them all, there was the king of the pirates. Captain Jack.


First of all this intro makes me snore. One of my personal rules is never. . . ever. . . ever. . . EVER. . . start a story of ANY kind with the words "There was. . ."

Start with a scene. Let's see some action. Plunge the reader into something where he or she goes, "Wait--what's going on? WHOAH. Watch out! Ah!"

Also, capitalize Spanish and English. Town should be plural.

Captain Jack was a tall and well formed man about 43 years old. Unlike the another pirates he had no scar from his battles. His frigate "La Signora" had only 30 men as crew, but they were enough, because they were the best sailors in the entire Caribbean. The crew loved their captain and he loved them. Captain Jack was a very special man. He didn't had that thirst for blood so common to the another pirates. When he was plundering a ship he killed all those who dared to oppose him and set free those who surrounded.

Let's see some more about him. I want a better picture. His height, his clothes, anything eccentric about him? Etc.



One day, after the capture of a spanish treasure vessel he said to his crew:

Again, capitalize Spanish.

From that time, Jack was never the same. Day by day he become more silent and more somber. The crew began to worry. Some of them believed that the ghost of those he killed were hunting him, others thought he was possessed by demons.

This whole summarizing thing makes me feel like I'm reading a history book rather than a story with a plot. Expand that more. Make us want to care about Jack and his situation. It's just like, "And then this happened. . .and people thought this happened, or that happened. . .and yeah. . ."

Many years passed since then. Ships started to disappear without leaving a trace that they ever existed or that the people on them ever lived.

Yeah, again here. It's like, "And then all that bad stuff happened, the end."


I don't really need to ramble on much because what I think about the story is already up there. You have some work to do, and maybe change the character's name. But I like the whole pirates and vampires thing. It's crazy, so go with it and expand. Maybe add ninjas and robots. This whole thing could be about pirates versus vampires versus ninjas versus robots versus zombies. Some crazy crap like that. It would be awesome.