Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

Stella sat on the hard wooden chair at the book of the empty library in Salhitz Castle. She was reading one of the many books that her teacher had assigned her this month on Advanced Magical Theory. Though the book was long and filled with technical stuff she didn’t really care about, Stella kept on reading, absorbing all the information she could. It wasn’t until she was turning the page that she realized someone was standing behind her. She looked behind her should and groaned.

Sitting on another desk, legs crossed, was Iyten, a man most women would forsake their husbands to be with for a night. The blue eyes, long black hair, slightly tanned skin, and satin red robes trimmed with gold thread made him the image of perfection for most women. But Stella knew for what he truly was: a lecher, and one of the worse. She remembered many times watching woman being courted by him into his room, only to reappear the next day. He was never reported, so Stella could only assume what happened in there and that he must’ve threatened to keep him silent. She even thought of reporting him herself sometime, but knew it was his word of hers with him being a Second Mage and her a lowly apprentice.

“What do you want, Iyten,” Stella growled, turning back to her book.

“Now, now, Stella,” Iyten said playfully, “is that anyway to talk to your superior? I could report you for your inability to respect your superiors.” Stella knew he was right, but ignored him nonetheless. She continued reading, hoping that when he realized she was uninterested that he would go away.

“So, Stella,” Iyten continued. “How about we go to my room and I can help you study. If you know what I mean.”

“No,” Stella replied before returning. She turned a page in her book and pretended to be very interested in a picture on that page.

With barely a moments warning Stella felt a great force pull her chair back away from the desk and flip around. Iyten got off the desk and walked over to her, and looked her right in the face. “You’ll come with me to my room, Stella,” he said, his voice devoid of the playfulness before. “So, I suggest you grab your book and come with me. No need to make a ruckus out of this.”

Stella stood up slowly, keeping her eyes on Iyten the entire time. He smiled triumphantly down at her. Stella returned the smile and with magic assisted strength and speed, she hit him in the gut. He fell to the floor, clutching his stomach. Whipping out the dagger she kept hidden in her boot, Stella dropped to the floor and jerked his head back by his hair, and held the knife against his throat.

“You can’t do this,” he said, gasping for air. “They’ll hang you as soon as they find me dead.”

“I don’t need to kill you,” Stella replied, pressing the dagger hard enough against his throat to draw blood. “You report me and I’ll cut your fucking balls off before they get to me. Understand?”

Iyten nodded and Stella got off him, returning the knife to her boot. Grabbing her book, she picked it up and left the library, slamming the door shut, as Iyten was getting up off the floor muttering curses under his breath.

She looked behind her shoulder and groaned.

I'd go with "over her shoulder". It just flows better.

Sitting on another desk, legs crossed, was Iyten, a man most women would forsake their husbands to be with for a night. The blue eyes, long black hair, slightly tanned skin, and satin red robes trimmed with gold thread made him the image of perfection for most women. But Stella knew him for what he truly was: a lecher, and one of the worst. She remembered many times watching women being courted by him into his room, only to reappear the next day. He was never reported, so Stella could only assume what happened in there and that he must’ve threatened to keep them silent. She even thought of reporting him herself sometimes, but knew it was his word against hers with him being a Second Mage and her a lowly apprentice.

Iyten nodded and Stella got off him, returning the knife to her boot. Grabbing her book, she left the library, slamming the door on her way out, as Iyten was getting up off the floor muttering curses under his breath.

I think this just reads better. The way you had it before reads awkwardly and made me stumble over it. As the last line, you definitely don't want that. I'd also recommend breaking it into two sentences. You might want to put Iyten as muttering before she leaves then. I just think it'd flow better in two sentences. Not a big thing, though.

Other than those little nitpicks, I really like this and can't wait to see that next part! I can't really think of anything else to say as I don't think much else needs fixing. Nice job!

Stella sat on the hard wooden chair at the book of the empty library in Salhitz Castle. She was reading one of the many books that her teacher had assigned her this month on Advanced Magical Theory. Though the book was long and filled with technical stuff she didn’t really care about, Stella kept on reading, absorbing all the information she could. It wasn’t until she was turning the page that she realized someone was standing behind her. She looked behind her shoulder and groaned.

I liked this intro, but it didn't quite flow well. Thats just my opinion though.

Sitting on another desk, legs crossed, was Iyten, a man most women would forsake their husbands to be with for a night.I didn't quite get this line. The blue eyes, long black hair, slightly tanned skin, and satin red robes trimmed with gold thread made him the image of perfection for most women. A little bit of description overload. Maybe split this into two sentences.But Stella knew for what he truly was: a lecher, and one of the worst. She remembered many times watching women being courted by him into his room, only to reappear the next day. Wait what?He was never reported, so Stella could only assume what happened in there and that he must’ve threatened to keep him silent. Im not exactly sure what is going on.She even thought of reporting him herself sometime, but knew it was his word of hers with him being a Second Mage and her a lowly apprentice. Can we have a realy background of what is going on, instead of letting us guess?

This was a pretty confusing paragraph.

“What do you want, Iyten,” Stella growled, turning back to her book.

“Now, now, Stella,” Iyten said playfully, “is that anyway to talk to your superior? I could report you for your inability to respect your superiors.” Stella knew he was right, but ignored him nonetheless. She continued reading, hoping that when he realized she was uninterested that he would go away.

“So, Stella,” Iyten continued. “How about we go to my room and I can help you study. If you know what I mean.”

“No,” Stella replied before returning. She turned a page in her book and pretended to be very interested in a picture on that page.

With barely a moments warning Stella felt a great force pull her chair back away from the desk and flip around. Iyten got off the desk and walked over to her, and looked her right in the face. “You’ll come with me to my room, Stella,” he said, his voice devoid of the playfulness before. “So, I suggest you grab your book and come with me. No need to make a ruckus out of this.”

Stella stood up slowly, keeping her eyes on Iyten the entire time. He smiled triumphantly down at her. Stella returned the smile and with magic assisted strength and speed, she hit him in the gut. He fell to the floor, clutching his stomach. Whipping out the dagger she kept hidden in her boot, Stella dropped to the floor and jerked his head back by his hair, and held the knife against his throat.

“You can’t do this,” he said, gasping for air. “They’ll hang you as soon as they find me dead.”

“I don’t need to kill you,” Stella replied, pressing the dagger hard enough against his throat to draw blood. “You report me and I’ll cut your fucking balls off before they get to me. Understand?”

Iyten nodded and Stella got off him, returning the knife to her boot. Grabbing her book, she picked it up and left the library, slamming the door shut, as Iyten was getting up off the floor muttering curses under his breath.

Just a warning, I am not done with my crit, I just have to go. I will finish on saterday. Feel free to PM if I forget. Thanks.

Alrighty then, I'm going to be ignoring every comment above me (cause I'm lazy and don't feel like reading them), so forgive me if I re-state something. Magic, magic, magic... I say this to anyone who writes about magic: Don't, under any circumstances, go with the mass on this one; stand out, make your magic seem new and refreshing. How you do it is up to you, just as long as you do it.

Now that that's over with, I really liked this first chapter. It creates a lot of tension inbetween two charcters already. But I feel as if you should have given some more background in this. Just a thought.

Onto the nitpicks. I'll try this way of copying everything and adding my comments in red, but I warn you, you'll be the lucky number one to ever get this treatment from me.

Stella sat on the hard wooden chair (at the book)The part I put in brackets doesn't make any sense. I think you're trying to say she's reading a book, but re-phrase it. of the empty library in Salhitz Castle. She was reading one of the many books that her teacher had assigned her this month on Advanced Magical Theory. Though the book was long and filled with technical stuff she didn’t really care about, Stella kept on reading, absorbing all the information she could. It wasn’t until she was turning the I'd put "last page". page that she realized someone was standing behind her. She looked behind her shoulder and groaned. This sounds wierd. I'd go with "over her shoulder."

Sitting You just said someone was standing behind her, and now the guy is sitting. A slight contradiction, but it annoyed me. on another desk, legs crossed, was Iyten, a man most women would forsake their husbands to be with for a night. Something awkward about this. Maybe add: "a man for whom..." The blue eyes, long black hair, slightly tanned skin, All this are okay, but pretty plain actually. I'd go with more interesting adjectives. Like, the sky-blue eyes, long glossy hair, etc. and satin red robes trimmed with gold thread made him the image of perfection for most women. But Stella knew for what he truly was: a lecher, and one of the worst. She remembered many times watching woman being courted by him into his room, only to reappear the next day. Umm... This doesn't make much sense at all. It implies that women who normally get courted by men never appear again? That they die or something. Re'phrase this one. He was never reported, so Stella could only assume what happened in there and that he must’ve threatened them to keep them silent. She even thought of reporting him herself sometimes, but knew it was his word against hers with him being a Second Mage and she a lowly apprentice.

“What do you want, Iyten?” Stella growled, turning back to her book.

“Now, now, Stella,” Iyten said playfully, “is that any way to talk to your superior? I could report you for your inability to respect your superiors.” The repetition of "superior annoys me here. I dunno why. Stella knew he was right, but ignored him nonetheless. She continued reading, hoping that when he realized she was uninterested that he would go away. A bit clumsy; maybe change to "hoping he would leave her alone once he realized she was not interested."

“So, Stella,” Iyten continued. “How about we go to my room and I can help you study. If you know what I mean.” The last sentence is ruining it for me. The studying part and what you said earlier about Iyten clearly implies this already. Maybe take that away and let Stella say something about how she knows what his "studying" means.

“No,” Stella replied before returningReturning where? I assume the book, but it's not stated.. She turned a page in her book and pretended to be very interested in a picture on that page.

With barely a moments warning Stella felt a great force pull her chair back away from the desk and flip aroundWhat's being flipped around?. Iyten got off the desk and walked over to her, looking her right in the face. “You’ll come with me to my room, Stella,” he said, his voice devoid of the playfulness before. Nicely worded. “So, I'd cut the the "so".I suggest you grab your book and come with me. No need to make a ruckus out of this.”

Stella stood up slowly, keeping her eyes on Iyten the entire time. He smiled triumphantly down at her. Stella returned the smile and with magic assisted strength and speed, she hit him in the gut. He fell to the floor, clutching his stomach. Whipping out the dagger she kept hidden in her boot, Stella dropped to the floor and jerked his head back by his hair This is completely a suggestion, but I'd put "beautiful hair" to give the situation some ironic humor., and held the knife against his throat.

“You can’t do this,” he said, gasping for air. “They’ll hang you as soon as they find me dead.”

“I don’t need to kill you,” Stella replied, pressing the dagger hard enough against his throat to draw blood. “You report me and I’ll cut your fucking balls off before they get to me. Understand?” Great tension, love it.

Iyten nodded and Stella got off him, returning the knife to her boot. Grabbing her book, she picked it up and left the library, slamming the door shut, as Iyten was getting up off the floor muttering curses under his breath. Nice dramatic exit.

Quite a lot to change, but they're all minor issues. Do continue with this, it's a good start.

Hope this helped,
|Life|

Hi Leth.

So I was partly interested in this because my own story has an MC named Stella and also it's all you talk about in chat. So here goes.

The start was good until I reached the title of the book Stella was reading. I was immediately brought back to the time when Harry Potter roamed lands viciously. Yeah, it so reminded me of HP, it kind of soured the rest of the chapter. Personally, I'd take the whole title out of the chapter because it just makes me think of Harry Potter, which I don't think is what you're trying to achieve, really.

Iyten? How do you say that?

Anyway, about this lecherous dude, he seems pretty irresistible to me, so what makes Stella such a one to be able to ignore his irresistibleness? It just seems too good to be true and a little like a lot of fantasy novels out there where the MC just doesn't find the hottest guy in the land hot at all. I guess the whole I-sleep-with-everyone front can put her off, but still. It's still a little too good to be true.

And when Iyten is trying to, uh, take Stella away and then she pulls a dagger on him...well, it's a big surprise. First of all, not many women carry daggers on hand, even in a fantasy land. Why does she have this dagger? Is it only expected of everybody wherever the setting is? I/We don't know.

At the end, the cuss just totally ruins the flowing prose. With a big, bad bang. It's really not needed. I'm not just saying that, but it really has a cut-off feeling to the whole thing. We get that Stella's self-defensive but the swearing just puts me off.

Anyway, it was cool.

Yours,
Lavvi

'Sup? Oh, yeah, I'm here to review.

She looked behind her shoulder and groaned

knew it was his word against hers

he must’ve threatened to keep him silent

I think you mean threatened them to keep them quiet.

Stella replied before returning

Returning where? Back to her books? Say so.

magic-assisted

Ha! Take that, Iyten! (cool names, by the way)
I really enjoyed it, but maybe, since it's a magic story, you could have one or two more incidents where magic was involved.
Keep writing!

I'm going to agree with all the posts before me and the edits they made. I also agree with being reminded of Harry Potter by the name of the book. The beautiful thing about being a writer is that you get to make up the world! So be original! Do something that no one has done before! When you write about a magical world you really do need to find your own thing about it to make it stand out from others, and that can be difficult (I'm writing a novel set in a magical world as well..). I found this awesome article about planning out magic in your story and I'll share it with you:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2oxk65/th ... tem-part-4

Obviously you're going to want to read parts 1, 2, and 3 first, which are linked at the beginning of the article. I hope it helps you a bit. I like the tension between the two characters as well, and I agree with the poster above me who says they'd like to see a little more of the background into. Why does Stella hate him so much? Did he scorn a close friend/family member? Does she secretly want him and he hasn't shown much interest? What happened that was so bad that this girl pulled a knife on him right away? These would set up great for some flashback scenes showing us why there's so much negative emotion going on. Keep going!

This is good. I made the suggestions I found. Just a note, I think you could probably expand it more. I feel I am reading just the beginning of a short story. This is good though!

Chapter 1

Stella sat on the hard wooden chair at the book of the empty library in Salhitz Castle. She was reading one of the many books that her teacher had assigned her this month on Advanced Magical Theory. Though the book was long and filled with technical stuff(,) she didn’t really care about Stella(.) (She) kept on reading, absorbing all the information she could. (Whisking through the pages, she felt the presence of a figure behind her). She looked behind her shoulder and groaned.



(Sitting on a nearby desk, a man said with his legs crossed). His blue eyes, long black hair, slightly tanned skin, and satin red robes were trimmed with gold thread, (making him the image of perfection for most women.) Stella knew for what he truly was: a lecher, and one of the worst. She remembered many times watching woman being courted by him into his room, only to reappear the next day. He was never reported, so Stella could only assume what happened in there and that he must’ve threatened to keep him silent. She even thought of reporting him herself sometime, but knew it was his word of hers with him being a Second Mage and her a lowly apprentice.

“What do you want, Iyten,” Stella growled, turning back to her book.

“Now, now, Stella,” Lyten said playfully, “is that anyway to talk to your superior? I could report you for your inability to respect your superiors.” Stella knew he was right, but ignored him nonetheless. She continued reading, hoping that when he realized she was uninterested that he would go away.

“So, Stella,” Iyten continued. “How about we go to my room and I can help you study. If you know what I mean.”

“No,” Stella replied before returning. She turned a page in her book and pretended to be very interested in a picture on that page.

With barely a moments warning Stella felt a great force pull her chair back away from the desk and flip around. Iyten got off the desk and walked over to her, and looked her right in the face. “You’ll come with me to my room, Stella,” he said, his voice devoid of the playfulness before. “So, I suggest you grab your book and come with me. No need to make a ruckus out of this.”

Stella stood up slowly, keeping her eyes on Iyten the entire time. He smiled triumphantly down at her. Stella returned the smile and with magic assisted strength and speed, she hit him in the gut. He fell to the floor, clutching his stomach. Whipping out the dagger she kept hidden in her boot, Stella dropped to the floor and jerked his head back by his hair, and held the knife against his throat.

“You can’t do this,” he said, gasping for air. “They’ll hang you as soon as they find me dead.”

“I don’t need to kill you,” Stella replied, pressing the dagger hard enough against his throat to draw blood. “You report me and I’ll cut your fucking balls off before they get to me. Understand?”

Lyten nodded and Stella got off him, returning the knife to her boot. Grabbing her book, she picked it up and left the library, slamming the door shut, as Iyten was getting up off the floor muttering curses under his breath.