Young Writers Society

"Does time mend a broken heart? Does it just sit there, and gather dust? Tell me what you think. I want to know. Do the lies you tell me end up forgotten? Or do I remember them for eternity? Tell me what you know. Can I trust that the secrets I share with you will remain secrets? Can I tell you, can I tell you that my heart is broken? May I give you the knowledge I hold? Can you grasp enough to know that I am hurting inside? If you can't, you should be ashamed." I said. I was shocked to hear myself say this without stumbling on every other word. I slowly walked back to my desk, glancing at Chris's face as I passed him by.

"Ellie, since when could you come up with things like that? You should seriously become a poet." He whispered. I shrugged my shoulders, smiling as the bell rings. What he doesn't know, is that I'm not human. I'm a demon. I can feel his heartbeat from a mile away. Unlike all those untrue stories of demons, I'm not ugly, nor am I terrifying. I look just like a normal teenager. In a sense, I am a normal teenager.

I would become a poet, if I was allowed to.

Silently, I get my things, and head out to my parked car. I climb in, start it, and turn on Blood Stain Child, one of my favorite bands. As I turn the corner onto my street, I look to my house and see it engulfed in flames. I stop the car and jump out and run over to it. I run inside, my temper boiling as I frantically search for my mother and brother. I find them, rush them out of the house and go back in. I messed up by doing that. As I check the other rooms, I hear the upper floor falling. I run for the door, but the house collapses on top of me. I didn't make it in time. I recite my poem in my head, crying, and dying. Thank you for all the opportunities.

Interesting...I liked this, though maybe it can be longer, I especially liked the line--

"I'm a demon...I am a normal teenager." That was very powerful, and kind of captures what I felt like as a teenager, and what I do feel like sometimes, though the feeling passes.

The ending was...perfect? I don't really know how to describe it, but it moved me, especially the juxtaposition of a demon doing right things...that was effective--

Spelled dying wrong at the end (dieing?) and I'm not so sure how I feel about the opening speech, though it was effective and the questions drew me right in.

Excellent. 3 and a half stars out of 5, I do the star thing now--I'm going to follow you.

Thanks for your feedback. :/ I don't know if dying or dieing is right. I mix 'em up. It's dying.:/ Oh well. But anyway, thanks again. I'm always open to ways to improve my writing.

Hi there! I'm Jalmoc. So i randomly read stories like a good writer and comment. Lol. so to your story. I felt like it was kind of rushed.... How did the demon get here? Did he do it by choice? Or was it a mission?... Just think about stuff like this. I hope I was some help! I'm a little rushed on time. lol. Well Keep Writing!!!