Young Writers Society

A/N:
Hi there, Please read this and let me know what you think.

The wispy shadow of fog lurked on the surface of the river Hellibo. It was hard to believe that nature's curtain could conceal so much destruction and blood. Upon the banks of the river the battle was fought, and an entire city was laid to ruin. It was there that his life changed forever.

Delo crouched atop the roof listening closely. The rising rumble of footsteps was unusual for the slums. He could have sworn the thunderous sound was the gallop of horses. Nobody had horses in the slums. No self-respecting business operated here either. All there was, was underhanded thievery and thuggery. Given that, the rich folk never had any reason to come here and it was all too unusual to hear horses gallop through the city. There was, however, no doubt about it, the beating rhythm of hooves against the ground confirmed that there were horses around.

They came into vision as they rounded a corner in the far distance. Delo climbed higher up the roof to get a better view. Nobles. Six of them, lavishly clad in silk all seated atop great horses.

The horses trotted closer. People scurried out of the roadways, throwing themselves out of the pathways scrambling away from the nobles and their horses. The nobles charged forward without regard for what was in the way. They toppled washing lines, sending clothes flying through the streets. They slammed into fruit stands sending fresh produce flying. Delo could not think why the nobles would come to the slums but whatever there reason, they were here and they were in a hurry.

The horses drew closer. The men no doubt had fat purses. If Delo could just get his hand on one of them he would probably not need to steal for himself and Helra and Ma for months. If he tried to steal from the nobles and got caught, though, he would unlikely be able to steal anything ever again. If he got away lucky they'd spare his life, relieving him of only his hands. They might even provide medical care to treat the stumps of his arms. He gulped at the thought.

His heart raced. He was a good thief. He hadn't been caught for over a year now. He wouldn't get caught. He couldn't afford to get caught.

The pace of the horsemen had been somewhat slowed by the thickening crowd. Delo's heart started beating more rapidly. If he wanted the purse, he'd need to hurry and get into position. He wasn't normally nervous when stealing. This time was different, though. He was putting his life on the line. Worse still, he was putting the lives of Helra and Ma on the line.

He climbed to the edge of the roof and jumped down into the alleyway. He was only going to get one shot at this. The horses drew closer. A shot of adrenaline diffused through his body. He crouched in the alley way. His eyes focused. His head pounded. He closed his eyes briefly trying to calm himself before reopening them.

Delo was ready. He peered around the corner as the horses passed. The men seemed to be making no efforts to conceal their riches. They clearly didn't know the ways of the slums but Delo was not about to complain about mistakes that could only benefit him.

Next to the fat one's sword, Delo spotted a purse. Theoretically it shouldn't be too difficult to pick this noble's pocket, but more than ever, he could not afford to screw this up. The stake was too high for him to be comfortable with. He knew he shouldn't be worried. If Delo was lucky, the noble wouldn't even notice the purse was gone until Delo was far away. Still, he could not calm his tides of unease.

He waited to make his move as the volume of the clapping hooves intensified. His heartbeat quickened surpassing even the rhythm of the charging horses. It was now or never.

He darted out into the street defying his nerves, and hurled himself into the chaos. An old man was knocked off his feet blocking Delo's path. Self righteous good for nothing rich men. What little guilt Delo had about taking the money dissipated. The bastards deserved it. He dodged the fallen body, moving to the side as the horses charged forward. One day he'd take every penny the nobles had.

The fat noble whose purse Delo had been eying drew closer. The noble looked dazed. This was going to be a piece of cake.

Only a moment longer. He waited. He shot his hand out, grabbing at the purse.

Delo felt his hand close around it. For a second he couldn't believe it had been so easy, but none of the nobles had looked his way once. The fat man's eyes were focused on the road. Entirely. It felt like a weight had been suddenly lifted off his chest. The difficult part was over. Nothing could go wrong now. He allowed a smile to creep up his face. He wouldn't need to worry about food for a while.

As quickly as it had risen, Delo's feeling of triumph faded. A pit of horror opened up in his stomach. Someone was gripping his wrist. He could not pull the purse away. He couldn't pull his arm away. The fat man's lumpy fingers gripped him like a vice.

Hello there fellow Saffa kiff piece you have here bru ok enough with the colloquialism, this was good a few fast paced moments you've caught and displayed so well my heart raced, which is a wonderful response.
Sorry I can't give more of a review, Vodacom hates me.
Well done

Alright, so that was pretty good.
Your detail in the beginning was fantastic, really pulling me in, and making me want to read more, despite your line after the italics part.
My only suggestion would be to change that line. Although it gives the reader a good sense of character, it's boring. Jazz it up by adding what your character is thinking and feeling.

~WickedWonder

Hello there

Delo could not think why the nobles would come to the slums but whatever there reason,

The wispy shadow of fog lurked on the surface of the river Hellibo. It was hard to believe that nature's curtain could conceal so much destruction and blood. Upon the banks of the river the battle was fought, and an entire city was laid to ruin. It was there that his life changed forever.

I love this. Nice.

So, your grammar and writing in general is really good. I felt you did a good job with your suspense and your descriptions were to the point and pretty vivid. However, I would have liked you to describe the scene a bit more. You did a great job at describing the character and the mood of the place, but the slums- I would have liked more description of the slums, besides the poverty. I don't know if I'm clear on that part.
This was really good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hey Yoda.

I read this piece nearly to the end, skimming the lead-up to the purse snatching to him being caught. Skipped that portion because it was really starting to get slow and I zoned out, resuming to pay attention when he grabbed the purse.

The first thing that struck me was the line "It was there that his life changed forever." I've seen this type of line work before, but there was usually a much longer build up to what used to be or what is currently happening to make the line have punch. The line is probably a reason I started skimming near the end; it feels like you're over-promising and end up under-delivering with the rest of the work. The story has no connection to the opening paragraph, making me feel a bit cheated because of the bait-and-switch tactics. The story past the introduction doesn't have the same conflict, or imagery, that the opening has. The slow pace for the theft doesn't help.

Second thing that struck me was the uneven repetition. You cracked open your vocabulary list for the bulk of your descriptions (in some cases that was jarring, especially in the beginning) but you constantly repeated "horses" and "nobles." This disconnect in word usage made it a bit harder for me to get into the story, because of the dissonance created. I figure you're using repetition to draw attention to both the nobles and the horses, but it feels overdone in the beginning (primarily "horses" mixed in with your other, vaguely purple descriptions.)

Your end had a semi-decent hook but I practically saw it coming. I also figure he's going to get out of it somehow, because of the unusualness of the situation. I'll say you have me mildly interested in what happens, but the set-up was slow, easy to skim, and vaguely predictable. Also underwhelming, when the opening paragraph is factored in.

Hope this helps, and drop me a line if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to thank you all for your great reviews.

Rosey, yours needs a longer response. Expect a comment on your wall sometime in the next couple of days. I want to discuss a bit about the uneven repetition as you called it. And the pace thing as well. Your reviews are always seriously helpful. Thanks

Hey Yoda!

It's been ages since I reviewed anything of yours, so I'm glad to be here to take a look at this for you

1. Nit-piks -

He could have sworn the thunderous sound was the gallop of horses. Nobody had horses in the slums.

I think this would read better as one sentence -

'He could have sworn the thunderous sound was the gallop of horses, but nobody had horses in the slums.'

There was, however, no doubt about it, the beating rhythm of hooves against the ground confirmed that there were horses around.

I could be wrong, but I think it would be better with the last comma as a semi-colon or even a dash.

'There was, however, no doubt about it -the beating rhythm of hooves against the ground confirmed that there were horses around.'

People scurried out of the roadways, throwing themselves out of the pathways scrambling away from the nobles and their horses.

You need a comma after 'pathways'

They toppled washing lines, sending clothes flying through the streets. They slammed into fruit stands sending fresh produce flying.

These lines are a little repetitive due to the fact that you use 'sending' and 'flying' in both. Maybe try something like -

'They toppled washing lines, sending clothes flying through the streets. They slammed into fruit stands, knocking fresh produce to the dirty ground.'

whatever there reason

'their'

If Delo could just get his hand on one of them he would probably not need to steal

You could add in a comma after 'them'

This time was different, though. He was putting his life on the line. Worse still, he was putting the lives of Helra and Ma on the line.

You repeat 'on the line' here. Maybe try something like -

'This time was different, though. He was putting his life on the line. Worse still, he was threatening the lives of Helra and Ma.'

The horses drew closer. A shot of adrenaline diffused through his body.

I'd join these two sentences together using 'and'

'The horses drew closer and a shot of adrenaline diffused through his body.'

He closed his eyes briefly trying to calm himself before reopening them.

This sentence needs commas -

'He closed his eyes briefly, trying to calm himself, before reopening them.'

He darted out into the street defying his nerves, and hurled himself into the chaos.

You could use a comma after 'street'

2. Thoughts -

I did like this, Yoda, but I couldn't help thinking back to the stories I reads of yours a while back. This seemed to have a lot less flow and pace compared to 'Dreams of Giants' - forgive me if I got the title wrong, I fail at titles The lack of commas struck me for one - I hope it's not that I've suddenly turned comma happy - but there didn't seem to be many at all.

It seemed like the word 'horses' was repeated again and again and sometimes I found my concentration waning - mainly during the part where Delo is psyching himself up to take the purse. I felt like there should be more emotion. My heart should be in my mouth as I wait for Delo to safely steal the money, but I found that it wasn't.

Also, the part where he takes the purse seems to happen really quickly. It's like there's a big build up and then he's suddenly got his hand on the purse.

The cliff-hanger type ending was good though. I do want to read on, I'd just like this piece to be a bit more fast paced. You menton that his heart is racing but at times it's almost like he's moving in slow motion.

I hope this review helps as I really want to see this piece shine I know you're capable of getting it there!

xDudettex

Yoda, Yoda, Yoda!

I'm finally reviewing something of yours. I seem to have arrived a weeny bit later than I would have liked, so you've already gotten some wonderful reviews. Nonetheless, I will trudge on and at least try to help you. If you have any questions about my review once I'm done, don't hesitate to ask them. In fact, leave me a horribly long message on my wall, just like I do on yours.

I have to say, Yoda, so far, so good. You created some great imagery and I like the whole setting of this. It's different and interesting. Also, even though you didn't describe it in a pile of detail, I was able to get a pretty clear image of what life is like in the slums, and how the people live e.t.c. I do think that you could enhance that even more, but overall, you did do a great job of that, I think. This is a review though, so I should probably get onto the critiques!

Okay, before I begin the full blown review, I'd like to bring up something that Rosey's already said. I agree somewhat with what she said about this line:

It was there that his life changed forever.

I'm really sensitive to lines like this. I am a little biased when it comes to foreshadowing lines, so bear that in mind though. Basically, I'm really not a fan of these kind of lines. In the end, it is a bit of a personal opinion thing, but I would suggest for you to either rephrase this, or I don't know... make it sound a bit less cliché. I mean, it's not like I haven't heard it before. I think Rosey had a good point actually. Part of the problem, I think, is because of where the line is placed--the very beginning. It seems a bit sudden, I suppose. If you are going to keep the line in here, I'd suggest for you to include it later on maybe.

Now, I don't want to repeat anything that's already been said, so I will try and come up with some original critiques. I think I will be able to come up with one or two. Something that stood out for me was actually something that your MC mentioned quite a few times. He often thought about the fact that he was putting people's lives on the lines by stealing, but if I'm honest, I didn't really feel that, if you get what I mean. I saw him panicking with his heart going into overdrive, but you often mentioned how high the stakes where, but I didn't really get that feeling myself. Hmmm... I'm failing at explaining this.

Basically, I want you to really show us how high the stakes are. Don't just tell us that they're high because we need to believe that they are, in fact high, and the only way you can do that is by showing it to us as vividly as possible. Maybe you could mention him thinking about the consequences or something. Have him consider jail, being shamed, letting the people he cares about down e.t.c.

Staying on a similar subject, the only other critique I have for you that hasn't been mentioned already is about the emotions. To put it simply, I want to see you really enhancing the emotions as much as possible. I do think that because this is in third person, expressing emotions for your characters is harder. Nonetheless, you're a great writer, so I know you can do it. One of the problems lack of emotions creates is the fact that it can effect the overall atmosphere of a piece. For me, it does anyway. I think that it's happened here too.

I think you have a decent atmosphere here, but you could do so much more with it. I will admit that I'm not the best at creating atmosphere, so I may not be the best person to give you advice on this. I'm sure you can work with it though. Don't get me wrong, you have caused some good tension here with the short sentences and such. You've got the grammatical side of things down, but I want you to bring the more content side into it, hence what I said about the emotions. If you can express the emotions a bit more, I think the whole atmosphere of this will be complete.

Keep up the good work!

xoxo Skins

8ta...lol
Hmm first of all your opening was brillinat, it immediatelt caught my attention, and it was due to that opening that I continued to read more. Must say though the piece was awsome, if found it a bit monotonous at times. like when you kept repeating the nobles, i felt that once you had that general concept of the nobles, there was no need to keep repeating "the nobles..." but that's just me nit-picking.

Aroud the middle you kind of lost my attention for awhile, maybe you dragged it out a bit too long, or was it that i felt this piece a bit fimiliar. The story start was excellent except it was familiar, and that familiarity made me space out at times. I suggest trying something a bit more edgy, and exciting. I suggest darken the mood slightly by bringing out your characters little demons a bit more.

The end brought me back into the story brilliantly excellent climax to the first chapter, really intresting though it be familliar, would really like to read more...
ToLy

Hey there Yoda. Not a bad effort at all with this piece. I'm going to be more general with this review, rather than nitpick. Hopefully the others will pick up on those little mistakes I noticed, but they're not quite as important as what I want to say here.

One thing that really bugged me when I was reading this was your attention to insignificant details. You spend a whole paragraph discussing the horses and their rampage through town, and though this sets the scene in which the events of the story will take place, you didn't need to dedicate a whole paragraph to it. I also think the repetition of the horses, the nobles and the slums became a tad tedious as I read on. You told me about the horses, the nobles and the slums. I don't need you to reference them repeatedly in order to know what you were talking about. Just a little point to consider.

Secondly, you use two instances of colloquial diction within this piece. This is one of my little pet peeves; normally colloquial diction defines a character's voice, but in this case you're writing in third person. Your usage of the word 'screwed' is also out of context historically. Anachronisms are something that are easy to overlook. Additionally the line where you use the word 'bastard's should be in italics, as it is an expression of the thoughts of the protagonist, not the narrator.

Lastly, I wanted to mention another thing that I found when reading this. I think the first paragraph in italics is entirely redundant. It seems it is just there to set the scene at the start of a script or something. Info dumping is bad. I also thought 'changed his life forever,' was too clichéd to serve the purpose you tried to make this paragraph fulfil. Rather than replacing it, perhaps you should cut it out altogether or work a little harder on sprinkling your descriptions throughout your piece. That way, the reader doesn't balk at the first line, and it reads much more beautifully.

Otherwise I thought it was very well written. The prose flowed rather smoothly and I enjoyed the read. PM me when the next instalment is due, I'd love to take a look at it as well.

PM me with any questions, I'd love to hear them.

-Moo

Yo,

this is a good intro for a story, although a bit lacking in descriptions for my taste (although lots of stellar authors like Terry Pratchett, Kevin J Anderson and David Wingrove manage with exactly this amount or even less, just my taste, as I said), and keeping in mind the thorough examination done by those before me, I'll only join Moo in calling your attention to borderline anachronisms (ana-dimensionalisms?) in the narrative voice.

One example would be "A shot of adrenaline diffused through his body" - this is 20 century speak. Do the people in the described world now of this mysterious "adrenaline"? And do they call it that? Perhaps best to settle for timeless stuff like hearts racing, blood pounding, face warming, etc. Or, devise local alternatives to 'adrenaline', like him feeling the 'fire gryphon unfolding at the base of his spine and send strength streaming through his limbs. The centipedes of fear ran down his neck' and stuff.

Likewise with "laying ones life on the line" - this is also 20 century speak. Although a number of American authors do that, especially from the Baen house, but I still think paying attention to tiny details like that would lift the overall impact of conveying the 'otherness' of the describe world.

Of course, this isn't the characters themselves speaking, it's the narrator, yet the narrator too must merge language-wise with the described setting, unless the narrator is a separate character from our world/time, who is witnessing, or retelling the events to us.