Young Writers Society

OK. That was the beginning part of this. It'll make more sense if you read it. Now, onto the real part!



I crouched in the grass, stalking the marble-colored dragon. My Phoenix waddled behind me. The dragon was small, about the size of my head. He was powerful, though. I say him take out a newb before. But I was no newb.

I was withing five feet of the spectacular Creature.

"Pheonix, go!" I yelled. Behind me, in a blaze of orange and red, the Phoenix charged at the dragon. They tangled, and I stood with my gun, ready to shoot. There!

"Phoenix, back!" I shrieked as I pulled the trigger. The crimson beam of light hit the dragon direct on the forehead. It struggled from the beam's grasp. No, no, no! The Dragon broke free of my light, running away.

"GGGRRRAAAWWWWRRRR!!!" Sounded from behind me. I turned to see a Dinosaur the size of Texas standing behind me, angry. Phoenix flew away, squeaking.

"No, Phoenix!" I yelled.

"RRRARRG!" The dinosaur thundered. I quickly began to run, dirt rising in my path. Please, please let me get away! I tripped on a root, skidding under a rock's shadow.

"SQUAKERAS!" Came from the rock. I quickly peered around; on the rock stood the most magnificent Creature I have ever seen. It was black with gold stripes dancing all over it.

It was a Gryphon.

The Gryphon was dwarfed compared to the dinosaur. In a flurry of wings, the two Creatures met. Claws and teeth showed in the mess. Silver liquid- blood- sprinkled onto the ground. I didn't even try to stop crying. The Gryphon was going to be killed!

With a mighty shriek, the Dinosaur fell.The Gryphon stood over it, triumphant. It glanced at me curiously.

"T-T-thank you, Gryphon." I mumbled. It waddled over to me.

I put my hand up, trying to touch it. Hissing, the Gryphon flew off. A single black and gold feather lay on the floor. I quickly picked it up, brushed it off, and put it in my pocket.

I will never forget the Gryphon that saved my life.

Wow, really good only fault is the speech ( I would put a link but I really can't be bothered) but basically eventhough you put a full stop the it or she or whatever afterwards doesn't have a capital letter. Other than that I thought it was fantastic

this was my favourite part;

MilkNCookies wrote:SQUAKERAS!" Came from the rock. I quickly peered around; on the rock stood the most magnificent Creature I have ever seen. It was black with gold stripes dancing all over it.

It was a Gryphon.

The Gryphon was dwarfed compared to the dinosaur. In a flurry of wings, the two Creatures met. Claws and teeth showed in the mess. Silver liquid- blood- sprinkled onto the ground. I didn't even try to stop crying. The Gryphon was going to be killed!

Keep up the writing

~ Tinkem

,y= my. say= saw. SPELL CHECK. It takes WAY less to read over your story than to write it, trust me.

As for the sounds the animals make, try just describing it, instead of using it as dialogue. The dinosaur, for example: "I heard an awful, loud, earth-shattering roar..." And for the small Gryphon, I'm not entirely sure what noise they make, but I'm almost POSITIVE that NO ANIMAL makes that noise, haha! Using describing details instead of quotations for this situation makes the piece look better to the eyes. A very creative work, and I hope that if there are any improvements, you'll keep me posted!

~Panda;;

This is a pretty good story. I liked it and would like to read more of it. Here are a few things I would fix about this.

I crouched in the grass, stalking the marble-colored dragon. My Phoenix waddled behind me. The dragon was small, about the size of my head. He was powerful, though. I saw him take out a newb before. But I was no newb.
I was within five feet of the spectacular Creature.
"Phoenix, go!" I yelled. Behind me, in a blaze of orange and red, the Phoenix charged at the dragon. They tangled, and I stood with my gun, ready to shoot. There!
"Phoenix, back!" I shrieked as I pulled the trigger. The crimson beam of light hit the dragon direct on the forehead. It struggled from the beam's grasp. No, no, no! The Dragon broke free of my light, running away.
"GGGRRRAAAWWWWRRRR!!!"
The roar sounded from behind me. I turned to see a Dinosaur the size of Texas standing behind me, angry. Phoenix flew away, squeaking.
"No, Phoenix!" I yelled.
"RRRARRG!" The dinosaur thundered. I quickly began to run, dirt rising in my path. Please, please, let me get away! I tripped on a root, skidding under a rock's shadow.
"SQUAKERAS!" Came from the rock. I quickly peered around; on the rock stood the most magnificent Creature I have ever seen. It was black with gold stripes dancing all over it.
It was a Gryphon.
The Gryphon was dwarfed compared to the dinosaur. In a flurry of wings, the two Creatures met. Claws and teeth showed in the mess. Silver liquid- blood- sprinkled onto the ground. I didn't even try to stop crying. The Gryphon was going to be killed!
With a mighty shriek, the Dinosaur fell.The Gryphon stood over it, triumphant. It glanced at me curiously.
"T-T-thank you, Gryphon." I mumbled. It waddled over to me.
I put my hand up, trying to touch it. Hissing, the Gryphon flew off. A single black and gold feather lay on the floor. I quickly picked it up, brushed it off, and put it in my pocket.
I will never forget the Gryphon that saved my life.

I would add a little more description to the story just so it doesn’t sound like it’s just saying this and this and this happened. Also, as with what the person above me says, instead of making up the sounds of the animals, describe them. It adds for a more dramatic tone in the story.
Other than that, this is a good story.