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Siren's Call *Part 2*



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Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:26 pm
ClinicalCynic says...



The spotlight illuminated the stage as the large, red velvet curtains were drawn to reveal an expansive orchestra. It was truly a sight to behold. The violinist's bows, poised and ready to begin, created a dense forest with a small platform at the heart. Rebecca, a rather obnoxious woman with a big mouth and a bigger waistline, stood to tune the orchestra. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and drew the bow across the violin. A sound equivalent to the noise a cat might make if it's tail were to have an unfortunate date with a lawn mower erupted from the string. It was followed by a chorus of screeching cats, rumbling motors, cawing birds, and blaring horns. Seeming satisfied with the cacophony she had created, Rebecca seated herself in the first violinist's chair.

This must have been the cue the audience had been waiting for. A lethal silence blanketed the auditorium. A shrieking infant near the back split the silence. It was a good thing that the mother quickly excused herself and her baby for Mrs. Jones two rows ahead of her turned around and emitted a death stare that would end wars. Back on stage a short balding man crossed the stage to the platform in the middle of the violins. Applause erupted from the audience. The show was about to begin.

From the first downbeat, the orhcestra entranced the audience with the blazing brass sections, the bold percussions, the earthy woodwinds, and the sultry strings. The gentle swells of the melody captivated the audience and took them on a journey filled with throbbing bass lines, shrill highs, and clashing cymbals. After a couple collective pieces had been performed, the signal was given that it was to be Zander's turn to play. He rose from his chair and moved to the microphone at the front of the stage, making sure not to stand too close to it. Mr. Worthington's hearing aid had not recovered from the last time it was sent into hysterics. With a glance at the conductor, he brought his lips to the piccolo. The music that came forth could only be described as sonic gold. The purity with which he played the song left many patrons dabbing their eyes. The tones rose and fell like the gentle ebb of the tide, then changed to the shattering dynamics of lightning during a thunderstorm. He played three songs with the orchestra playing accompaniment.

"Zander Wraithborn, ladies and gentlemen!" the maestro announced to the crowd. With more thunderous applause Zander returned to his rehearsal room during the intermission.

"I can't believe I missed the fifth! And my arpeggios! Come on now. Get it together, Zander. You are a world renowned musician that is playing for extremely wealthy individuals with extremely generou-"

"You always did talk to yourself when you were nervous."

Zander froze mid-sentence. Cold sweat formed on his brow. His hands, so steady earlier in the morning, now shook with a violent tremor. "W-Who's there?" Fear rooted his feet firmly in place. He dared not turn around. The voice sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't match a face to it. "Look. If it's money you want the-"

"Relax. I don't want your damn money. Would you just sit down? You're making me nervous," the feminine voice held an air of mockery. Where had he heard that voice before?!

"I am making you nervous? Gee, my sincerest apologies."

"Now now, your sarcasm isn't necessary. After five years this is how you plan on saying hello to your sister?"

"Des?" his voice dripped with disbelief but he relaxed a bit as relief slowly flooded his veins.

Sitting in the plush, velvet chair across from him, a slender figure stared at him. Whatever emotion might have once resided there had long been erased. Her scarlet hair hung in loose tendrils around her shoulders, creating a compelling contrast with her crystal blue eyes. She wore a flattering black dress with a long trench coat over it. An amused smile played across her lips."Well who else would it be?"

"Would you like for me to answer that or should I assume that you already know the answer? How did you get in here?"

"It was simple, really. You know, those poor guards are some simple-minded people. I didn't even have to use much Charm before they were like putty."

"You could have just asked nicely, you know. Told them you were my sister?"

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" her laughter was childlike despite her aged figure.

Zander seated himself across from his sister. "So why are you here?"

"Can't a loving sister drop by to see her brother?" she said, feigning hurt.

"You never once contacted me in five years and you expect me to believe that?"

"Communication is a two-way street, but I'll let that slide. The Council has located you again. To be honest, I'm surprised it took them this long. It's not like they have anything better to do than sit on their overpaid asses and scorn the world for trying to live. There's also the fact that you don't try to hide yourself well."

"I'm defenseless to fame. Sue me," he took a minute to soak in what he had just heard. The last time the Council had intervened in the affairs of his family, Des and Zander had never seen their mother again. They were told that she had died in a car crash but that was absurd seeing as how, if the Council actually had some excuse for intelligence, they would have known that she was deathly afraid of cars. She had always preferred to walk or take a boat than to ride in a car. Since they lost their mother, Zander and Des have been fleeing the Council. Seven years ago the Council had almost gotten them, but with the help of some close family friends, they managed to escape once more. "This was really risky, you know. If the Council found out that you-"

"Then they just can't find out, now can they?" she shifted her weight and crossed her legs. "They are due to arrive in town tomorrow night. I would highly advise that you not be here when they do."

After all of his close calls with the Council, one would think that Zander would be accustomed to these quick exits. However, that would be what a perfect world would be like, and we live in a far from perfect world. Zander rested his head in his hands, formulating a plan. He couldn't go back to London just yet. The Council were sure to have placed someone around his old flat. Then a new terror struck him. A protective terror that made him question the safety of his sister. "Where will you go?"

"I have a flight to New York that leaves in an hour. Please don't be foolish and follow me. I can only keep the Council off your trail as long as you help me." She rose from her seat and began to walk to the door.

"Des..."

"Yes, Zander?"

He toyed with what to say. After five years without so much as a "Get Well Soon" card, how does one say goodbye to a sister? His shoulders fell as he gave up on something eloquent to say. Instead, he settled with, "Please be safe."

A small smile stretched across her lips, "I always am." With that she turned and exited the room just as quietly as she had entered.
Spoiler! :
I think I have a grasp on where this is going now. Still a work in progress of course. This is unedited. Any reviews would be greatly appreciated. Tell me if you like it, hate it, couldn't care less, etc.
Last edited by ClinicalCynic on Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:47 pm, edited 3 times in total.
If all the world's a stage...then everything is a lie, an act, a work of tangible genius.
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 5:36 pm
Zyphlid says...



Ello ClinicalCynic! I'm here to review your piece! Again! :P I didn't expect another posted so soon. Be careful though. You can only post two things a day before you have to wait 48 hours till your next post. Anyways, lets review! Spelling mistakes will be in red, original text in italics, questions or comments I have in blue, the original text in bold, and things I just liked in general in green. :D

The spotlight illuminated the stage as the large red velvet There needs to be some commas here curtains were drawn to reveal an expansive orchestra. It was truly a sigh sight to behold. The violinist's bows, poised and ready to begin, created a dense forest with a small platform at the heart. Rebecca, a rather obnoxious woman with a big mouth and a bigger waistline, stood to tune the orchestra. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and drew the bow across the violin. A sound equivalent to the noise a cat might make if it's tail were to have an unfortunate date with a lawn mower erupted from the string. It was followed by a chorus of screeching cats, rumbling motors, screeching birds, and blaring horns. Seeming satisfied with the cacophony she had created, Rebecca seated herself in the fist violinist's chair. <----The last three sentences made me giggle. XD

This must have been the cue the audience had been waiting for because a lethal silence blanketed the auditorium. A shrieking infant near the back split the silence. It was a good thing that the mother quickly excused herself and her baby for Mrs. Jones two rows ahead of her turned around and emitted a death stare that would end wars. Back on stage a short balding man crossed th the stage to the platform in the midst of the violins. Applause erupted from the audience. The show was about to begin.

From the fist downbeat, the orhcestra entranced the audience with the blazing brass sections, the bold percussions, the earthy woodwinds, and the sultry strings. <---I love the way you described that The gentle swells of the melody abducted<--I think this should be replaced with another word. Abducted doesn't really sound right the audience and took them on a journey filled with throbbing bass lines, shrill highs, and clashing cymbals. After a couple collective pieces had been performed, the signal was given that it was to be Zander's turn to play. He rose from his chair and moved to the microphone at the front of the stage, standing a couple steps behind it so as to no send<--Hard to read. I'm not sure if you missed a few words, but I'm just letting you know Mr. Worthington's hearing aid into hysterics. With a glance at the conductor, he brought his lips to the piccolo. The music that came forth could only be described as sonic gold. The purity with which he played the song left many patrons dabbing their eyes. The tones rose and fall like the gentle ebb of the tide, then changed to the shattering dynamics of lightning during a thunderstorm. He played three songs with the orchestra playing accompaniment.

"Zander Wraithborn, ladies and gentlemen!" the maestro announced to the crowd. With more thunderous applause Zander returned to his rehearsal room during the intermission.

"I can't believe I missed the fifth! And my arpeggios! Come on now. Get it together, Zander. You are a world renowned musician that is playing for extremely wealthy individuals with extremely generou-"

"You always did talk to yourself when you were nervous."

Zander froze mid-sentence. Cold sweat formed on his brow. His hands, so steady earlier in the morning, now shook with a violent tremor. "W-Who's there?" Fear rooted his feet firmly in place. He dared not turn around. "Look. If it's money you want the-"

"Relax. I don't want your damn money. Would you just sit down? You're making me nervous."

"I am making you nervous? Gee, my sincerest apologies."

"Now now, your sarcasm isn't necessary. After five years this is how you plan on saying hello to your sister?"

"Des?" his voice dripped with disbelief but he relaxed a bit as relief slowly flooded his veins.

Sitting in the plush velvet Needs some commas chair across from him, a slender figure stared at him. Her scarlet hair hung in loose tendrils around her shoulders, creating a compelling contrast with her crystal blue eyes. She wore a flattering black dress with a long trench coat over it. An amused smile played across her lips."Well who else would it be?"

"Would you like for me to answer that or should I assume that you already know the answer? How did you get in here?"

"It was simple, really. You know, those poor guards are some simple-minded people. I didn't even have to use much Charm before they were like putty."

"You could have just asked nicely, you know. Told them you were my sister?"

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?"

Zander seated himself across from his sister. "So why are you here?"

"Can't a loving sister drop by to see her brother?" she said, feigning hurt.

"You never once contacted me in five years and you expect me to believe that?"

"Communication is a two-way street, but I'll let that slide. <--I liked that :PThe Council has located you again. To be honest, I'm surprised it took them this long. You don't try to hide yourself well."

"I'm defenseless to fame. Sue me," he took a minute to soak in what he had just heard. "This was really risky, you know. If the Council found out that you-"

"Then they just can't find out, now can they? They are due to arrive in town tomorrow night. I would highly advise that you not be here when they do."

"Where will you go?"

"I have a flight to New York that leaves in an hour. Please don't be foolish and follow me. I can only keep the Council off your trail as long as you help me." She rose from her seat and began to walk to the door.

"Des..."

"Yes, Zander?"

"Please be safe."

A small smile stretched across her lips, "I always am." With that she turned and exited the room just as quietly as she had entered.


The suspense is killing me already. XD I love it. You described the sounds and settings beautifully and I couldn't see it any better. The only thing is your dialog at the end. Even though it's just two people speaking, putting "he said" or "she said" in there would be nice. Even some actions would be fine. Not for every sentence, but for some. But that's just me. :P Wonderful job and please inform me when you post part three!
“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of. ”―Joss Whedon

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”―Toni Morrison
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:15 pm
ClinicalCynic says...



Ah yes. I completely agree on your suggestions. It never fails. No matter how many times I read over something, there are a few things that slip right by without so much as a red light, a beep, or something. Thanks again for your wonderful critique. To be honest, I wasn't expecting another installment either, but I awoke this morning and had to write something. I tend to get a bit ahead of myself when I finally figure out the plot.
If all the world's a stage...then everything is a lie, an act, a work of tangible genius.
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:08 pm
Zyphlid says...



"I can't believe I missed the fifth! And my arpeggios! Come on now. Get it together, Zander. You are a world renowned musician that is playing for extremely wealthy individuals with extremely generou-"

"You always did talk to yourself when you were nervous."

Zander froze mid-sentence. Cold sweat formed on his brow. His hands, so steady earlier in the morning, now shook with a violent tremor. "W-Who's there?" Fear rooted his feet firmly in place. He dared not turn around. "Look. If it's money you want the-"

"Relax. I don't want your damn money. Would you just sit down? You're making me nervous."

"I am making you nervous? Gee, my sincerest apologies."

"Now now, your sarcasm isn't necessary. After five years this is how you plan on saying hello to your sister?"

"Des?" his voice dripped with disbelief but he relaxed a bit as relief slowly flooded his veins.

Sitting in the plush, velvet chair across from him, a slender figure stared at him. Whatever emotion might have once resided there had long been erased. Her scarlet hair hung in loose tendrils around her shoulders, creating a compelling contrast with her crystal blue eyes. She wore a flattering black dress with a long trench coat over it. An amused smile played across her lips."Well who else would it be?"

"Would you like for me to answer that or should I assume that you already know the answer? How did you get in here?"

"It was simple, really. You know, those poor guards are some simple-minded people. I didn't even have to use much Charm before they were like putty."

"You could have just asked nicely, you know. Told them you were my sister?"

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" her laughter was childlike despite her aged figure.

Zander seated himself across from his sister. "So why are you here?"

"Can't a loving sister drop by to see her brother?" she said, feigning hurt.

"You never once contacted me in five years and you expect me to believe that?"

"Communication is a two-way street, but I'll let that slide. The Council has located you again. To be honest, I'm surprised it took them this long. It's not like they have anything better to do than sit on their overpaid asses and scorn the world for trying to live. There's also the fact that you don't try to hide yourself well."

"I'm defenseless to fame. Sue me," he took a minute to soak in what he had just heard. The last time the Council had intervened in the affairs of his family, Des and Zander had never seen their mother again. They were told that she had died in a car crash but that was absurd seeing as how if the Council actually had some excuse for intelligence then There should be a comma after "how" and after "intelligence". "Then" should be erased. they would have known that she was deathly afraid of cars. She had always preferred to walk or take a boat than to ride in a car. Since they lost their mother, Zander and Des have been fleeing the Council. Seven years ago the Council had almost gotten them, but with the help of some close family friends, they managed to escape once more. "This was really risky, you know. If the Council found out that you-"

"Then they just can't find out, now can they?" she shifted her weight and crossed her legs. "They are due to arrive in town tomorrow night. I would highly advise that you not be here when they do."

After all of his close calls with the Council, one would think that Zander would be accustomed to these quick exits. But that would be what a perfect world would be life like, and we live in a far from perfect world. Zander rested his head in his hands, formulating a plan. He couldn't go back to London just yet. The Council were sure to have placed someone around his old flat. Then a new terror struck him. A protective terror that made him question the safety of his sister.<---That sibling love. I got it too XD "Where will you go?"

"I have a flight to New York that leaves in an hour. Please don't be foolish and follow me. I can only keep the Council off your trail as long as you help me." She rose from her seat and began to walk to the door.

"Des..."

"Yes, Zander?"

He toyed with what to say. After five years without so much as a Get Well Soon I think this should be in quotations. Or maybe that's just me :P card, how does one say goodbye to a sister? His shoulders fell as he gave up on something eloquent to say. Instead, he settled with, "Please be safe."

A small smile stretched across her lips, "I always am." With that she turned and exited the room just as quietly as she had entered.


Wonderful! The dialog sounds much better now! A plus you added some new information that gave be some info on the back ground of these two characters. ;D Now all I need to know is more about this Council. But I'm sure you'll tell next time in part three, right? Or some part after that. :P Please, please inform me when you post Part Three!
“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of. ”―Joss Whedon

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”―Toni Morrison
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:19 pm
ClinicalCynic says...



Haha! I will, I will. I'm actually in the process of writing Part 3 as we speak. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get it finished. I'm going out of town for the weekend and am trying to get the third part posted tonight (yes, I know it will be two posts in one day, but I won't be home for 3 days so the 48 hours penalty won't really affect me much).

Just a teaser for the next part: We will return to Zander as he gives much more information on his past as he desperately tries to flee the Council. Who or what is this mysterious Council? Are Zander and Des really what they seem to be? Is Des telling Zander the truth? Why is the Council after Zander and Des?

All of these questions will (hopefully) be answered very very soon.

-Clinical
If all the world's a stage...then everything is a lie, an act, a work of tangible genius.
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:06 pm
Celticmusicgirl says...



The spotlight illuminated the stage as the large, red velvet curtains were drawn to reveal an expansive orchestra. It was truly a sight to behold. The violinist's bows, poised and ready to begin, created a dense forest with a small platform at the heart. Rebecca, a rather obnoxious woman with a big mouth and a bigger waistline, stood to tune the orchestra. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and drew the bow across the violin. A sound equivalent to the noise a cat might make if it's tail were to have an unfortunate date with a lawn mower erupted from the string. It was followed by a chorus of screeching cats, rumbling motors, cawing birds, and blaring horns. Seeming satisfied with the cacophony she had created, Rebecca seated herself in the fist Do you mean first?violinist's chair.

This must have been the cue the audience had been waiting for because,Always put a comma before a word that means because and after because. a lethal silence blanketed the auditorium. A shrieking infant near the back split the silence. It was a good thing that the mother quickly excused herself and her baby for Mrs. Jones, two rows ahead of her, turned around and emitted a death stare that would end wars. Back on stage a short balding man crossed the stage to the platform in the midst I think middle might be a better word here in this sentence.of the violins. Applause erupted from the audience. The show was about to begin.

From the fistDon't you mean first? downbeat, the orhcestra entranced the audience with the blazing brass sections, the bold percussions, the earthy woodwinds, and the sultry strings. The gentle swells of the melody captivated the audience and took them on a journey filled with throbbing bass lines, shrill highs, and clashing cymbals. After a couple collective pieces had been performed, the signal was given that it was to be Zander's turn to play. He rose from his chair and moved to the microphone at the front of the stage, making sure not to stand too close to it. Mr. Worthington's hearing aid had not recovered from the last time it was sent into hysterics. With a glance at the conductor, he brought his lips to the piccolo. The music that came forth could only be described as sonic gold. The purity with which he played the song left many patrons dabbing their eyes. The tones rose and fallFall is present tense and this story is in the past tense so you should stick with that and make fall fell. like the gentle ebb of the tide, then changed to the shattering dynamics of lightning during a thunderstorm. He played three songs with the orchestra playing accompaniment.

"Zander Wraithborn, ladies and gentlemen!" the maestro announced to the crowd. With more thunderous applause Zander returned to his rehearsal room during the intermission.

"I can't believe I missed the fifth! And my arpeggios! Come on now. Get it together, Zander. You are a world renowned musician that is playing for extremely wealthy individuals with extremely generou-"

"You always did talk to yourself when you were nervous."

Zander froze mid-sentence. Cold sweat formed on his brow. His hands, so steady earlier in the morning, now shook with a violent tremor. "W-Who's there?" Fear rooted his feet firmly in place. He dared not turn around. "Look. If it's money you want the-"

"Relax. I don't want your damn money. Would you just sit down? You're making me nervous."

"I am making you nervous? Gee, my sincerest apologies."

"Now now, your sarcasm isn't necessary. After five years, this is how you plan on saying hello to your sister?"

"Des?" his voice dripped with disbelief, but he relaxed a bit as relief slowly flooded his veins.

Sitting in the plush, velvet chair across from him, a slender figure stared at him. Whatever emotion might have once resided there had long been erased. Her scarlet hair hung in loose tendrils around her shoulders, creating a compelling contrast with her crystal blue eyes. She wore a flattering black dress with a long trench coat over it. An amused smile played across her lips."Well, who else would it be?"

"Would you like for me to answer that or should I assume that you already know the answer? How did you get in here?"

"It was simple, really. You know, those poor guards are some simple-minded people. I didn't even have to use much Charm before they were like putty."

"You could have just asked nicely, you know. Told them you were my sister?"

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" her laughter was childlike despite her aged figure.

Zander seated himself across from his sister. "So why are you here?"

"Can't a loving sister drop by to see her brother?" she said, feigning hurt.

"You never once contacted me in five years and you expect me to believe that?"

"Communication is a two-way street, but I'll let that slide. The Council has located you again. To be honest, I'm surprised it took them this long. It's not like they have anything better to do than sit on their overpaid asses and scorn the world for trying to live. There's also the fact that you don't try to hide yourself well."

"I'm defenseless to fame. Sue me," he took a minute to soak in what he had just heard. The last time the Council had intervened in the affairs of his family, Des and Zander had never seen their mother again. They were told that she had died in a car crash but that was absurd seeing as how, if the Council actually had some excuse for intelligence, they would have known that she was deathly afraid of cars. She had always preferred to walk or take a boat than to ride in a car. Since they lost their mother, Zander and Des have been fleeing the Council. Seven years ago, the Council had almost gotten them, but with the help of some close family friends, they managed to escape once more. "This was really risky, you know. If the Council found out that you-"

"Then they just can't find out, now can they?" she shifted her weight and crossed her legs. "They are due to arrive in town tomorrow night. I would highly advise that you not be here when they do."

After all of his close calls with the Council, one would think that Zander would be accustomed to these quick exits. But Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Instead of "but" you could use something like "however." that would be what a perfect world would be like, and we live in a far from perfect world. Zander rested his head in his hands, formulating a plan. He couldn't go back to London just yet. The Council were sure to have placed someone around his old flat. Then a new terror struck him. A protective terror that made him question the safety of his sister. "Where will you go?"

"I have a flight to New York that leaves in an hour. Please don't be foolish and follow me. I can only keep the Council off your trail as long as you help me." She rose from her seat and began to walk to the door.

"Des..."

"Yes, Zander?"

He toyed with what to say. After five years without so much as a "Get Well Soon" card, how does one say goodbye to a sister? His shoulders fell as he gave up on something eloquent to say. Instead, he settled with, "Please be safe."

A small smile stretched across her lips, "I always am." Enter. Begin new paragraph after dialogue.With that she turned and exited the room just as quietly as she had entered.


Overall this is really good. I have pointed out all I could find. I think it just needs a little more description. Like when Zander's sister shows up we have no clue what Zander looks like like and we didn't know that it was a female voice speaking until it said "your sister". Little stuff like that really makes all the difference. Trust me. I would also suggest you rate this story at least 12+ beause of strong language. If you have any questions or comments about my review here or anything else or if you just wanna chat, just drop me a note or PM me.
Maith adh
Celticmusicgirl
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance
  





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Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:35 pm
tgirly says...



Instead of putting Zander froze in mid-sentence, you should just put Zander froze. It's already obvious that he froze mid-sentence because he didn't finish the sentence. You should probably put a reason why he doesn't turn around and look at his sister right away, but that's my opinion. Really good.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
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Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:01 pm
kimalane21 says...



"The violinists bowed, poised and ready to begin, and created a dense forest with a small platform at the heart."
no need for the apostraphe, and bow does not need an s.
"It was simple, really. You know, those poor guards are some simple-minded people. I didn't even have to use much charm before they were like putty."
the c in charm doesn't need to be capitalized

wow you're a really good writer! you write so equisately its like music. oh jeez that probably sounds corny. well you do write really well. just make sure you re-read before you post your stories. there are some careless grammar mistakes that probably could have been taken care of by speel check. re-reading is very important, dont skimp on it! maybe when you're done writing this story you could see about getting it published! i certainly think that itd would seel really well! the title is catchy, the writing is amazing, and the story keeps you on the edge of your seat and wondering "i wonder what ...such and such is or what's going to happen, ect." keep developing your story i really like it
écrire pour vivre - french
schrijf om te leven - dutch
scrivere per vivere - italian
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Thu Apr 21, 2011 3:26 am
kjr5horses says...



YAY! I found part 2! Again I will not correct you on your grammar as the previous reviewers have already worn that out...

I like his sister! Thank you thank you THANK YOU for not giving us the back story yet! It adds to the mystery and intrigue and it also makes the reader want MORE.

Anyways I like where this is going! (Even though I have no idea where you are headed of course...) I love how you make the reader/reviewer use their imagination! I find that most writers can get caught up in giving too much description and detail which leaves no room for the readers imagination to work!

Keep it up! I am thoroughly enjoying this!

KJR
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
  








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