Young Writers Society

This isn't so much a story as it is an experiment in writing in from a third person perspective. I want to know if the character seeps through the dialogue. Any grammar is appreciated.

Seeker returned from his hunt with a pair of rabbits. He landed smoothly on the landing perch that he had constructed a long time ago. The soft feathers cushioned the landing well; it was one of his better constructions. He entered his aerie a few seconds later, shutting the door behind him, before locking it. The day at the office was more than enough to keep his mind occupied, never mind the rabbits.

The mage lights turned on automatically as he entered the kitchen. He put the rabbits on the counter. He had eaten them raw, before the healer told him to cut down on the fat content. He looked for the large knife, but didn't find it in it's usual spot. He ducked down to look through the various nook and crannies, which sometimes hid the thing he was looking for.

"When you're finished looking, you can ask me where it is," a new voice said. Seeker didn't turn to meet the new voice, he already knew who it was and the voice knew it also.

"How is it that you always show up when I'm hungry? Can't you show up at a better time?"

"Really Seeker, how much more accommodating can I be? I make house calls!"

"Isn't there some other gryphon that you can taunt?" Seeker asked, closing the final drawer.

"Certainly, but none of them would understand me as well as you. They'd do nothing but worship and bless themselves, it would be an eternity before I could get them to do anything of worth in any effective manner."

"Where is it?"

"Look up." Seeker did so and found it. He didn't know how he could have missed a knife that size stuck in his roof. He snatched it from the ceiling and used it to cut open the first rabbit.

"That's the thing I like about you Seeker, you never are surprised. It would take a miracle or better to surprise you."

"I'm sure you could provide one if it were convenient for you."

"Were it convenient I would, but things aren't always convenient for people in my position."

"I'd hardly call you a person, but if that is how you wish to make yourself humble before me, then keep going."

"Yes, I came here to make myself humble before an agnostic gryphon aviator," the voice said sarcastically.

"Why did you come here then? To help me set the table?" Seeker finished separating the fat from the meat and turned to find the table set for two, complete with candles and wine.

"We can discuss business if you prefer."

"I'm not for sale. Take your mind games else where."

"Did I mention anything about money?" Seeker focused on his meat.

"I'm not doing any more of your dirty work."

"Did I ask for favors?" Seeker looked at the possessor of the voice, but said nothing.

"You should try the wine, it is excellent," he said, smiling.

"I don't think I will, who knows what coercive drugs you have in there," Seeker snorted.

"That only happened once. Don't be so difficult."

"I told you that dinner was a bad time for me. I wonder why you came at all. There is nothing you can offer me that I'd be interested in."

"I offered you some wine, I'd have thought you'd be interested in that."

"Why should I be interested in wine?" Seeker asked. He blinked a couple of times, his companion's face was getting warped and distorted.

"Quite simple, my insolent creation, the wine had the antidote to the poisoned meat you just ate."

"Poison?" It took a few seconds for Seeker to comprehend the full meaning of the statement. "You poisoned the meat!"

"Not quite, it was poisoned well in advance. Still, don't worry, you'll live. Some gryphons will be here in about five minutes."

"Well that's reassuring."

"I should hope so, your aerie has been on fire for a good five minutes now. You should really have fireproofed the walls. Well, I must be off." The god of the gryphons gave Seeker a big smile as he passed out. He snapped his fingers twice, on the first snap, the dinner disappeared. On the second he was gone.

Spellchecker approved!

If you were trying to get character across through dialouge, it most definately worked. I got two very distinct characters. One, a extremely self-assured powerful person (god?) and the other a more disgruntled, distrustful gryphon.

There was only one thing that seemed to be a little... out of place:

Griffinkeeper wrote:"I told you that dinner was a bad time for me. I wonder why you came at all. There is nothing you can offer me that I'd be interested in."

The second sentence just seemed a little bland to me... I thought it would be more in character as a question (i.e. "Why'd you come at all?"), but that could just be me.

Other than that, really excellently done. I think you reached your goal rather well.

I can't drop the second sentence without ruining the rest of the dialogue. I'll have to figure out another way.

Anyways, thanks for the review Dusky! And yes, that was the Griffinkeeper in action.

You are really obsessed with Gryphons, that can be slightly off-putting. No, not off-putting, more like; repetitive. Maybe you should do more with your stories then just write about Gryphons. Maybe a little more details about their society, culture and interaction with other races would make the story(s) a lot more interesting and readable.

As to this particular piece, I liked it, I liked it a lot. (lol)

"Quite simple,

Quite simply; would work better in this instance.

Nicely written, well executed.

*twitches*

Well-executed? Hehe... *puts on executioner mask*

Your dialogue holds up but... at the same time, I would love to hear the reactions of the characters. Facial expressions (well... do your best with that), wing and tail twitches, sudden movements of the eyes, etc. Even in scripts, you have information as to what the character is doing. Well... except in Lorca, but that's a completely different matter.

Still, I did like the contrast between simple and complex sentences between the two. You did remarkably well, considering I haven't written the tutorial I've been working on about dialogue and it being an experiment of contrast. For instance, Seeker's word choices are much different from Griffinkeeper's. Besides that, his style is quick, short, and to the point. Griffinkeeper's on the other hand are long, pompous, and rather arrogant. Because of this, the dialogue meshes well with each other and isn't bad at all.

But still. We love descriptions. Next time experiment with descriptions. Remember: 95% of all description should somehow relate to the character.

Good luck...

JigSaw wrote:You are really obsessed with Gryphons, that can be slightly off-putting. No, not off-putting, more like; repetitive. Maybe you should do more with your stories then just write about Gryphons. Maybe a little more details about their society, culture and interaction with other races would make the story(s) a lot more interesting and readable.

Perhaps you'd like an article breaking down the combat effectiveness of the average gryphon warrior? Or an article on gryphon society? I can do it, but you'd be bored to pieces.

One of my goals as a writer is to immerse you in this world with as little of an explanation as possible (i.e. no long drawn out explanations) because that is how people read.

As to my obsession with gryphons... well this story really isn't about me is it?

As to this particular piece, I liked it, I liked it a lot. (lol)

"Quite simple,

Quite simply; would work better in this instance.

Nicely written, well executed.

Thanks.

Your dialogue holds up but... at the same time, I would love to hear the reactions of the characters. Facial expressions (well... do your best with that), wing and tail twitches, sudden movements of the eyes, etc. Even in scripts, you have information as to what the character is doing. Well... except in Lorca, but that's a completely different matter.

Lorca wasn't much for stage direction. Anyways, facial expressions are really difficult for a gryphon, simply because any particular emotion can be made using a combination of beak, ear, and eye expression. Describing all of these would be too difficult, especially if the reactions change quickly.

Of course, I could write something like "Seeker was surprised" and be done with it. So, more descriptions then?

I agree with Snoink--character interaction is key--there are certain things you just can't get through with dialogue alone, such as tone...

Otherwise, nice work. As usual, I'm a bit late so everyone has already said what needs to be said.

EDIT: Actually, there is something I noticed--you use some very modern terminology, such as "landing pad." Maybe you could say something a bit mre...medieval? Or describe what the landing pad is possibly?

A landing pad is someplace that a gryphon can land. There is no medieval equivalent to this and it would be silly to call it anything else.

Except a landing area. Seriously though, if you give me a medieval term for something that doesn't get invented for another seven hundred years, than I'll put it in.

I can describe the landing pad though, that would be easy enough.

How about a landing perch? Maybe you could even not use a term for it, just describe it.

Landing perch, I like that.

Okay, it will be added.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself! XD

JigSaw wrote:You are really obsessed with Gryphons, that can be slightly off-putting. No, not off-putting, more like; repetitive. Maybe you should do more with your stories then just write about Gryphons. Maybe a little more details about their society, culture and interaction with other races would make the story(s) a lot more interesting and readable.

True. As for me, I think there are way too many stories about humans. I mean really... most of the stories on YWS are about humans. I think that's a little off-putting and repetitious. Writers should do more with their stories than just write about humans. Perhaps the writers should put more about the society, culture, and races to make the story more readable. But right now, stories with humans just suck.

Hehe, I liked this!

Have to admit; I didn't really get why Seeker poisoned the gryphon's meat... but I guess if this was the beginning of a story it'd probably get explained later on, so don't worry about that.

Other than that, I think this was well-written, and if you were especially concentrating on dialogue, I think whatever you were trying to do definately worked! Only crit I'd have there would be that a lot of the time you didn't say who was talking, which could get a bit confusing if the reader wasn't concentrating. That doesn't matter too much though, as between two people that shouldn't confuse people too much. lol

Well done, and I hope I can see some more stories with gryphons in! (although I would like to see a bit more description in the others, as I don't know much about what they look like..)


~KayJuran~

Well, just to clear things up...

First off, the two folks in the scene are Seeker and the Griffinkeeper.

The Griffinkeeper, being the clever person he is, has unwittingly arranged it so that Seeker has no choice but to do his bidding. That is, by poisioning him and setting his aerie on fire, a chain reaction is set in place so that Seeker will end up in the right place.

So, the meat was poisioned, Seeker didn't know it though. The antidote was right in front of him, but his pride and insubordination kept him from taking it (thus dooming him to the fate).

Does this make it a little clearer?