Young Writers Society

hey i like your story alot (: its good, really good, but whats a shambler?
I like your story and the way you right- I could realy learn a thing or two from you- PM me when you get the chance
Keep working on your story, and I hope to see your story in print somebody =]

I'm scratching my head for some time now. Maybe you didn't describe more details since its in a fantasy world...So, that could be the cause i'm feeling abit awkward

Hey, Carbon! I'm here as you requested.

The shambler gently rocked, almost lulling me to sleep, but the knowledge of my arrival to the cliff town of Spondekai kept me stark awake.

This sentence is a bit too packed in my opinion. In it, we find out that:
- the shambler rocked
- it almost lulled the narrator to sleep
- there's place called the cliff town of Spondekai
- the narrator has just arrived there
- the fact that s/he's arrived there keeps her/him awake

See what I mean? That's quite a lot of information to have between a capital letter and a period.

"It's a good day to spend outside," I said, starting the conversation. "Isn't it? I think it was yesterday's Edna VI eruption that stirred the ash the other way."�

"Similar problems occurred the last time I travelled through here," I said. "The land below is irregular. Considering what's down there, it really is a wonder that they don't do that more often. Did you read what--"�

The distant roar of a horn momentarily drowned my voice and the mechanical clashing of the driving apparatus beneath.

I feel the need to point this one out, because it's bothering me. You cut the narrator's speech, and he says that the voice was drowned by the horn, and we never find out how the sentence would have ended. However, this story is written in first person, so isn't it kind of weird how the sentence is cut off? It's as if the narrator themselves didn't hear/know what he was going to say. And it couldn't have been that he himself stops mid-sentence without going to finish, since he says "--drowned my voice" -- therefore he had finished the sentence, but no one else could hear it because of the horn.

Really, all you'll need to do is finish the sentence. You can still say "drowned my voice" or you can specify it with something "drowned the last words" or something. Sorry for going all OCD on you. I just needed to get that out!

"Did you read," I continued, "what the expedition to the surface found down there, beneath the ash?"�

Ah, here we go -- sentence finished! You can replace this one with a simple "I repeated my question."

especially since this is the first time anyone has gone to the surface in the last three hundred months

'Three hundred months' seems an odd way of counting the time%u2026 is there a specific reason why you chose to write that?

My companion appreciated the joke, and we were quick to discover mutual interest in grotto fishing. The conversation quickly steered to a discussion of whether Mount Vorbhodsen or Mount Svirkaide yielded the most sizable catch.�

Very nice. I like this part a lot.

three-fingered foot

Eh? Feet have toes, you know%u2026 xD Again, I'd like to know if there's a specific reason behind this word choice.

*

So, that's it for the nitpicks. I think you're a good writer -- your text is pleasant and easy to read, and your descriptions are vivid, but not in-your-face. One thing you might want to pay attention to is what I referred to in my first nitpick: sometimes your sentences get not necessarily too long, but too informative. As one Tumblr blogger said (can't remember her name right now!): "Sentences are not mini-vans." I think that's such a good quote!

I liked the first part a lot. I would actually click the "Like" button right now, but I'm still a little confused by the second part -- I'm not quite sure what happened there. So, basically a "like" for the first part, and an almost "like" for the second. I was a little confused in the end, but in general, I think this was good!


Demeter
x

Hullo, 'tis me.

First off, nit-picks. I won't go overboard with them, but there are a few things I'd like to point out. Not stylistic things--I'm pretty sure that this piece has been edited enough that even the parts that seem awkward to me are intentional--but technical things. Remember what I told you in The Unicorn about your use of auxiliary verbs? Well you're doing it again a few times here, in the second part of this story, and this time since it's in third person not first, you haven't really got an excuse. ^_~

But something else attracted me here; the knowledge of how far away the flows were, perhaps, or the barely perceptible pulse they give off, like the veins of a living creature.

This isn't a modal auxiliary, but shouldn't that be "gave" since "the flows were" is in past tense?

He had seen it happen before: people went deaf from hearing nothing but ash, and blind from seeing nothing but ash. They turned into senseless, mindless husks clinging to a dying seed of life. Fitting, he thought, for people to waste away just like the cities they once built to shelter themselves.

I just have to point out that I love this section. I can't even describe how or why, but there's something about it that just... ah.

The Thing will be here shortly. Maybe it will crack open another building, like it did some time ago. Maybe it will just pass through without incident, like every day after that time.

Aha! Here are some modal auxiliaries. Is this section supposed to be his thoughts or the narrative? If it's his thoughts, then it's fine just the way you have it (though I'd suggest making it italic or something) but if it's part of the narrative, then all those "will"s should be "would"s.

Still - his father taught him how to read the neat ones, so maybe he will learn how to read these, as well. Maybe they, too, will speak to him of a world with so many colours.

Those should be "would"s as well, and since this is clearly in third person here there isn't really the option of having it be his thoughts. If you keep them as "will"s then you are implying that it hasn't happened yet at the time of me reading this, which brings up the question of how my time relates to the time in the story, and lots of other messinesses.

---------------------------

I like this, cC. The world you have created is fascinating and feels very real. It feels kind of like it could be from one of those short films you'd show me--actually, the whole piece feels like it could be one of those short films. Especially the part with the Walking Thing and the zealots... very surreal and suggestive. The whole concept also feels like it could me a Miyazaki film--I think I've recommended him to you before, but if you haven't watched any of his work I highly recommend you do. Strange machines, environmental and religious messages... I think he would be right up your alley.

I know others have been at you for not describing enough, but while I love descriptive pieces as a rule, I don't think this needs description. I know you don't need me telling you this, since you've kept it this way anyway, but I think that if you'd had more descriptions it would have seemed like it was your characters' first times seeing all this. As it is, it makes me think that everything in the story is commonplace for them. Mentioning names without explaining, for example, really gives the sense that the world you are describing is a real place--since real places are too vast to describe in one short story, so why even try? It also makes me feel like I am part of the world, and I am expected to know these things. It's sort of a novel-writer's technique, I think. It's the ultimate triumph of showing over telling.

Because everyone is talking about the shamblers, I'd like to add in a word or two about them as well. Firstly, I don't really have a fair advantage because I saw Jenthura's blog post before I read the story (actually, his illustrations were part of what made me decide to read it). But when I was reading this I had a different idea of them in my head. I imagined them a lot more spindley, almost to the point of being absurd (which is interesting, seeing as I didn't see your comment on the blog until after I read this), and I imagined the cabins being perfectly spherical things perched high on the mechanical legs. I don't think you need more description of them in particular, but more spacial description would be nice.

It took me a while to understand what you meant by trips to the "surface" because I really didn't get a sense of the ground being that far away from civilization. Sure, I thought the shambler was tall, but I didn't realize that it wasn't just some sort of ride--if I understand correctly, the people on the shambler never go down, right? I think I'd like some more implications of how alien the idea of walking on the ground is to them. So. You do need more description of the shamblers, I think, but not visual descriptions--conceptual descriptions. I want to know what the main character thinks of them and their purpose.

I'm also curious about the main character (from the first part)'s expectations. I don't think this was his first time on a shambler. In fact, I think he goes on them a lot. But why, then, would he be thinking about nothing but the shambler and the lava and the ash? I got the sense (maybe wrongly) that this was something like a regular commute for him, like taking a bus or train or maybe airplane. That's why I liked the casual conversation with the stranger. But I'd like to see him think about something else (something personal, maybe?) in addition to thinking about his surroundings. Otherwise it makes it seem like he's only thinking at all for the sake of showing the world to the readers.

Now for the second part. At first, I was just about as confused as everyone else, I think. I wondered if the "he" in the second half was supposed to be the same character as the "I" from the first. I wondered where the heck the zealots had come from. I couldn't understand why the Walking Thing had appeared or, really, what it was at all.

But then, sometime in the middle of me writing the paragraph two before this one, it came to me. The Walking Thing is the shambler. The zealots and the hermits and "he" are people who live on the surface, looking up at the machinery of the people who live above them without understanding it. If I'm wrong about this interpretation, excuse me, but I love it. There is so much symbolism there to ponder. Yes. Very cool. Not something I'll forget anytime soon.

Neat story, cC. I'm intrigued by your world. Thank you for a most enjoyable read.

a

I'm new so this is the first story I've looked at. However I would've liked to hear more details about the shambler. Since it's something completely original I would've liked to have read a little more about it. Also, why weren't their any names mentioned? I didn't really get a clear picture in my head but otherwise it was quite entertaining.

Hello, Carbon.

First, I would like to say that since I have only just joined YWS, this is my first review. Don't let that scare you though! Honestly, I thought your piece of work was very good. Although, there were a few things that confused me.

The first part that confused me was what exactly IS a shambler? Yes, this got cleared up in the other reviews written, but I would have liked to have found this out from the actual piece of work. My first impression of the shambler was that it looked like a ride that you could find at a carnival of sorts, the scrambler. I was glad that as I continued to read this image left my mind and was replaced with something else.

Then another thing that confused me was that in the first portion of your work I was unsure of where exactly the two characters were standing. Whether they were on one of the shamblers or if they were in a VERY large building that had a terrace-like area that came off it. This did get cleared up for me after I read through some of the earlier reviews, though.

Like many others who have reviewed this piece of work, I was baffled by the sudden scenery change. Although once I read on I realized that this new view was from the ground, below the shamblers. This part of the story made more sense to me that the first part did.

Try to add in little details that help to clarify a story. Even if it seems insignificant to you, it will help your audience understand what is going on. Over all, I think you did a very good job on this piece. It was an interesting work to read. Keep up the good work! I hope to see this story added on to.

~Rhonwenn