Young Writers Society

I froze , directly in front of me were two eyes , they were a revolting mix of yellow and brown like fresh puke . I felt a surge of power , it was adrelanin . My body was getting ready for a fight .
Maybe it hadent seen me yet , i was engulfed in darkness how could it of seen me . I was kidding myself , of course it has ... at that moment the eyes got bigger , whatever it was it was comming closer . it was when the eyes were as big as apples and i felt vile breath tingle around my face did i acted .
i punched as hard as i could, my fist scraped against scally skin , it was a Dungoun troll .,A defening raor shook the walls of the sewer , and it was angry . an arm as thick as a log colided with my torso sending me flying towards the walls , the impact of my weight angainst them crushed my spine .First the pain held back like a pack of wolfs judging the power of its prey , then it dicided i was no match and the pain burst through my system , I felt my power fading then i died .
or atleast i thought i did for just before i went into eternal sleep my mothers face appeared in my mind , she too was taken by a Troll , all my life i wanted someone to blame for her death and now i found him and what did i do , die my self . No , i was still alive . The pain began gnawing at my system pushing me down ,i allmost heard a voice saying its over , that was what got me fighting , another surge of power ripped through my system , my hands shook with this new found power . this was not Adrelnin for adrelanin could not make a boy with a broken back stand up , and throw himself at a troll . and win .

what happend under the city that night remains a mystery .

There are a few mispelled words, but otherwise it was pretty cool.

Is that all you have?I would like to read more!

Well, it was definetly a cool subject and has potential but i'd say a little revision and slight editing would do it good. Spaces in the writing, sentence structure, and flow, apart from the technicalities though, it was interesting and i'd like to read more. Ever Onward.
~Torpid

this was done by my buddy at school. Any way I still liked it but the grammar needs to be improved a little bit, that would make it great!!!

This is a pretty good plot but like everybody said it needs some editing and revising. Remember always capatalize an "I" when it is by itself.
Also remember to put it through the spell checker that will take care of a lot of mistakes.

This was an interesting concept, but as people said, it needs some revision.

Dynasty cow wrote:I froze , directly in front of me were two eyes , they were a revolting mix of yellow and brown like fresh puke .

You use commas instead of periods here. I should read: I froze. Directly in front of me were two eyes. They were a revolting mix of yellow and brown like fresh puke.

Also, this uses alot of short sentences. The first one works, because you're descriping a very abrupt action (freezing), but the use of them afterward, takes away from the effect.

Dynasty cow wrote:I felt a surge of power , it was adrelanin . My body was getting ready for a fight .

Here you also use commas where there should be periods, but that's not my biggest nit pick. You tell the reader exactly what is going on. It's okay to tell them that the person's energy is up, but the matter-of-fact tone "It was adrenalin. My body was getting ready for a fight" simply sounds a little forced.

Dynasty cow wrote:it was when the eyes were as big as apples and i felt vile breath tingle around my face did i acted .

Maybe you meant "act" here? Or "that I acted"? As it is, the grammatics aren't correct.

Dynasty cow wrote:i punched as hard as i could, my fist scraped against scally skin , it was a Dungoun troll .

How do you know? Instead of just saying it that way, could you possibly combine two of the thoughts and make it "My fist scraped agains the scally skin of a Dungeon Troll"?

Dynasty cow wrote:A defening raor shook the walls of the sewer , and it was angry . an arm as thick as a log colided with my torso sending me flying towards the walls , the impact of my weight angainst them crushed my spine.

Once again, how do you know? You mention later that it was painful, but wouldn't it make more sense to feel the pain FIRST and then realize that your spine was broken?

Dynasty cow wrote: I felt my power fading then i died.

You use a very matter of fact tone here as well. Perhaps you could find a way to say this without being quite so blunt.

Dynasty cow wrote:or atleast i thought i did for just before i went into eternal sleep my mothers face appeared in my mind , she too was taken by a Troll , all my life i wanted someone to blame for her death and now i found him and what did i do , die my self .

Mentioning the fact that his mother was killed by a troll here seems a bit out of place. It would have flowed along with the story better if you had mentioned it back when he first realized that it was a dungeon troll.

Also the puncuation is extremely confusing here. I would probably rewrite it as: Or at least I though I did, for just before I went into eternal sleep my mother's face appeared in my mind. She too was taken by a Troll. All my life I wanted someone to blame for her death and now I found him and what did I do? Die myself.

Dynasty cow wrote:this was not Adrelnin for adrelanin could not make a boy with a broken back stand up , and throw himself at a troll . and win .

I like the way you put this thought together, although once again, the puncuation needs some work. It should read more like: This was not adrenilin for adrenilin could not make a boy with a broken back stand up, throw himself at a troll... and win.

Over all, this is a great idea. You've peaked people's curiousity (or at least mine) with the last few lines. You just need to watch out for three things:

1) using commas where there should be periods. (Periods end a thought, commas add onto it)
2) You need to make sure that you capitialize the first letter of every sentence and the word "I".
3) Try to avoid "telling" the read things, such as "It was a dungeon troll".

Right . ok i feel i have to say somthing cause you probably spent more time ediding my thingy than it took me writing it , thanks . and ill do the stuff you say