Young Writers Society

This is just something random me and my friend are working on. My part is Alzina, and his is Abraxas... this is really short, but i hope you like it!

Alzina:
My parents named me Alice.
And that name was fine. For a 6 year old girl.
But I was no longer 6.
And I was no longer Alice.

“Who- Who… are you?” The poor pathetic man in front of me coughed.
“Alzina Adalwolf. And don’t ever forget it.” I snarled. And then staked him with out a second thought. He writhed on the ground a few times, his eyes wide as his life left him. “I-” He whispered.
“Don’t wanna hear it buddy.” His breath was ragged and I grabbed my stake, not wanting to leave it behind in case I had to make a run for it.
Sure enough, coming out of the shadows were thugs twice my size. “Crap.” I muttered, hefted my stake into a better stabbing position. It wasn’t the only thing that would kill a vampire, but it was the most effective way to make sure they stayed dead. Because yes, these men were the creature of the night that drank blood and all that. And the vampire I’d just killed had been one of the most well known blood-suckers of all.
“Should have figured it was you.” Ianos growled and launched himself at me. Before I knew what was happening, I was surrounded.
“Oh come on. I’m just a girl. You wouldn’t really want to fight me would you?” I simpered.
“Don’t-” Ianos warned the rest of his men, but before he could finish, I kicked his legs out from under him. The next guy I took out with his own weapon, beating him over the head with his pipe. But the rest of the goons would be a problem. I tried to snap kick one of the vamps in the gut, but he just used his wrist to block it.
Crap. This was really not going to go down well. I heard Abraxas behind me trying to figure out how to help, but to no avail.
The big vampire grabbed my arm as I tried to stake him, and pulled me into a head lock, right as Ianos was getting up.
“Bite her. She’ll be so consumed with blood lust she’ll have no time to follow us.”
Abraxas let out a feral sound and slid his fangs out to attack, but as he did so Ianos clothes lined him, causing him to fall limp to the pavement.
No, no, no, no! My eyes widened in fear and I began to kick and punch any part of the vamp holding me I could. He leaned over me and scraped his teeth against my neck causing me to shudder and fall limp in his hands.
And then he sunk his teeth in as far as he could. How in the world had I managed to get myself caught up in this situation? The beginning would probably help clear things up. The very time and place Alice Mermillion was reborn as Alzina Adalwolf.

Hey! long time no see! As usual, i love your writing, and you've gotten so much better! Didn't think it possible, with how well you wrote before Catchy name too! This is a very well done piece! Are you not writing the other story? Well, talk to ya later!

Hey I am gonna review your work

It might be short but thats the idea of a short story

Never start a sentence with and! It might work better if you put: That name is fine, for a six year old girl.

And that name was fine.

I think it would work better if you said: His breath was ragged, and I grabbed my stake not wanting to leave it behind...

“Don’t wanna hear it buddy.” His breath was ragged and I grabbed my stake, not wanting to leave it behind in case I had to make a run for it.

Again, don't start a sentence with and!

And the vampire I’d just killed had been one of the most well known blood-suckers of all.

Other than that this is really good xD

Heya.

It was a brilliant piece of writing and it left me asking a lot of questions. I love your choice of name by the way! Very different and suits a vampire story wonderfully.
There was only one thing that stood out. I know to much description puts a ready off but I think yours needs just a bit more.
Describe Alzina more, what does she wear? What does she look like? Also, the vampires could do with a sentence to describe them. Most people will already have a picture of vampires in their minds when you mention them, but just say if they are like normal vampires or have some unusual quality about them.

Basically, it's great!! Post some more!
If you have any question don't be afraid to PM me, X BlackRose X

My parents named me Alice.

And that name was fine. For a 6 year old girl.

But I was no longer 6.

And I was no longer Alice.

This can all be one paragraph. It just looks pathetic separated like that. Also, spell out six, don't just put the number.

“Who- Who… are you?” The poor pathetic man in front of me coughed.

Okay, I glanced over your entire story real quick, and say this same mistake throughout it, so I assume you don't know, and will only correct you once. First off, make the lowercase. Secondly, for the sentences in the quotation marks that end in period, put a comma instead. That is the correct way to put dialogue in a story.

“Alzina Adalwolf. And don’t ever forget it.”

That sentence is cliche. I've seen it used too many times in movies that it's kind of pathetic really.

Overall: I believe your story is somewhat cliche, and very un-descriptive. To me this kind of reminds me a little of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something like that. For description, explain the surroundings, the Vampires, sound, touch, taste, smell, everything. Just don't tell what the characters are doing, we want to visualize the environment they are in. Like was the stake wooden or metal (I've seen metal stakes before), were the vampires, black, white, or brown; did the vampire's stink of blood and rotting flesh, did the vampires make any sound coming up? Think about those sort of things when writing. Anyways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

Thanks for the reviews!! i just wanted to let some people know that this was the very first section of a story me and my friend are writing together... this is more of an intro type thing, and yes i understand it's cliche. We both love vamps, and are adding an interesting twist to the classic vamp. story. Glad you liked it! =)

Well its short but you have a great beginning. You caught me with the first sentence. I would like to see more. Please tell me their will be more. I'm interested to know what happens.