Young Writers Society

*Locked*

hmm, highly fascinating, if I wasn't so under the weather I'd find mistakes, but I can't at the moment so good job... there is one thing, dont just throw in names and such, you should name ye characters before hand or introduce them somehow, because if the name just appears its like... uhh, and where did that come from... etc. so ya... good job

Thanks for critiquing , I tried changing a few things to work with my story.

More comments are welcome.

Hmmm, this story is highly, highly reminiscent of a world in Philip Pullman's The Dark Materials; The amber spyglass, the Norhtern Sky lights etc etc. Hopefully, the next part will reveal a lot more of your world and we'll b e able to see where the story is going.
I saw only one sentence that could be improved, but it doesn't affect the story so dont worry about it.

I'll keep a lookout for the next part.

Thanks for reading. I haven't read His Dark Materials so I don't know if my story is anything like it, I might read it now. The next parts not done yet but hopefully I'll be posting it soon.

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This was a very inventive story. I like the way all of the magicians met at this magic fairground it seems like an interesting place but, it could use a little more detail so it's easier to picture. I also like the way the girl finds the ring. It's crazy how some carnival sideshow will change her life. What I'm trying to say is there is nothing too cliche about this story it's all new in a way.

Thanks for reading. As this is part of the third chapter I kind of already described the fête and stuff. The setting is in the master garden (a very BIG garden) and I'll get to him and what happens to Monessa and how the fortune-teller really does change her life. But I can't say much more on the ring yet.

But I may need to re-edit and add descriptions.

(Under Major Rewrite)

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Hello! Sorry I've taken so long to critique. After reading it I am REALLY sorry !! It's fab ! It's kinda got that "Harry Potter" charm about it. It's a joy to read cause there is hardly no spelling mistakes, etc. Is there more ... if not please write more. I'm hanging off the chair here.....

Thanks for reading.

I'm glad you liked it but I re-edited it all so you might have to read it again. XD

I'm working on the next part but will post it as soon as I've reviewed it myself. I'm also about to post another piece that is linked to Oracles Possesion. Just click on my portfolio, it's titled Ancient Tales: Wind Rider.

(Under Major Rewrite)

Nice story, kept me interested into the end, and what an end I want to read more. WRITE MORE NOW! lol.

Good job, keep it up.

Gawd, you actually read all that?

I'm glad you liked it, I'm planning the next part now and won't post until.. maybe tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.