Young Writers Society

Removed.

If you looked over it for me, I thank you.

This needs some serious revising. The ending especially. It does however still have a lot of potential, as for the most part it was enjoyable and good.

I'll leave it for someone else to nitpick

Not bad seems like their should more, know what i mean.

Interesting. The plot is definitely good and I like the whole Atlantean vs. Murchalls concept. Besides little mistakes I know must be in there somewhere, there are only a few little things I noticed that I'd like to point out.

(that his body would quickly turn into rich nutrients)

(which were in his hands when he broke the water)

When you used brackets to add description it seemed a bit...akward. Like you had just decided not to put in the effort to find a way to work the extra information into the story.

This seems like more of an action story, mainly because you didn't spend much time describing. I'm a big fan of description and would love to see more of it. Not so much on the plot and background side, since you did that very well. More on the character and location description.

But those are just suggestions, your story is very good as it is already. Keep up the good work.[/quote]

thanx, i think i might reread the Atlantean stuff and try to write a third part.

I really liked the idea of the underwater races. It was really interesting, I liked how they breathed in chemicals and used soundwaves, it wasn't just like they were people with webbed feet and gills. I also like how it starts with a group of Atlanteans hunting these murchalls, then branching into descriptions of the characters.

I think it would benefit from some fleshing out in certain areas. Like the characters could be introduced better. You keep telling us about them, but you really need to show us. For example, you tell us M'varl is powerful and prideful, but you'd do better to show us by things he does.

It's a bit like in fairy tales.

We know the witch is wicked, and how do we know? Why, the writer told us she was wicked! Why did the writer say she was wicked? ... er ... well ... not to clear on that to tell you the truth ... But then the story progresses and the witch starts doing wicked things, like eating children and turning people into toads. Then we know she's wicked because we saw her do wicked things.

You've got to let us make up our own minds a bit more, but just guide things so we come to the right conclusion. Once we know M'varl a bit better, like in the next scene or something, you could probably tell us straight out (maybe in another character's thoughts or words if you'd prefer) that he's a bit prideful. A little tellling is fine, but showing is usually better.

The rivalry and hate between Atlanteans and Murchalls ran very deep in both cultures and it was shown in the eyes of both creatures. Murchalls were wicked, nasty creatures of the depths that killed for many reasons, sport, entertainment, and least of all, food. The Atlanteans, conducting a noble society, hunted for food, and had many allies and friendships between the races and beings of the depths. They were the lawful, honorable, structured descendents of Atlantis, the Murchalls were the opposite. It seemed obvious that the two races would be enemies.

If you wanted you could show this bit, but I know in many stories information like this is told, so you could go either way. The thing I really would like to discuss in this bit is that there's a little trap you can fall in here. The Atlanteans = good, Murchalls = bad thing. Just keep an eye on your characters, because in real life it's very had to put a label the big and simple on things. It is a bit different in life though, because everyone's human. So you're deffinately allowed a creative liscence where the culture of your created species comes in. But just be aware that there'd probably be one or two Atlanteans running around theat have been corrupted by power, or were just not very nice people to begin with, just like there'd probably be a few Murchalls who don't see the point behind their species killing spree and would like it to stop.
You've probably got all sorts of characters that haven't come into the story yet, I just wanted to say that just in case.

Thanks, i actually hadn't really thought about making any innocent/heroic Murchalls but thats a good idea. I take your advice.
~Torpid

that was realy exiting , i liked the start , but maybe a better ending

im 13 and i wouldent have i hope in hell of making somthing so complex and fun ,although my work is good in a differnt way , youve got loads off potentiol . keep writong

Thanx everybody, i'm at skool so itas not like i can post a new story/part, sry. Thanx again
~Torpid