Young Writers Society

This is the first 'chapter' (though, I wouldn't call it that) of a novel I've just began writing. I've posted this in the short story section, due to I not making it a priority to post each chapter on here, and that I most likely will not. I'd just like to get feedback from my first chapter.



The sun beamed on my skin; the heat leaving it with a stinging sensation. Chatter from people both near and far rung in my ears, along with with clatter of their shoes pacing across the pavement. Cars swiftly whizzed by, passing from the corner of my eyes. I stood outside of a bakery placed on the right of the vehicle-occupied street. It was filled with delicious looking cakes, donuts, cookies, and dozens of other tasty treats that would make the mouth water of any five year-old child by the mere glance. Well, both children and fat people a like.

I didn't plan on going inside of the bakery. I wasn't here to buy strawberry cupcakes. I was here to locate a certain someone. Someone terribly hidden amongst the cluster of simple ones (those who were not graced by being enchanted soon after birth) scattered around angle to angle.

I've been told that this someone was a she, a she by the name of Eleanor Waverly. The name given to her by her simpleton, adoptive parents. This Eleanor Waverly would soon hear the most shocking news her ears have heard, and I was dying to witness the widening of her eyes, and to hear the unsteady stammer of her speech when I would fill her in on it all.

I was given a description of her. I was also told that she would be somewhere in this area around this given time.

Oh, boy, I thought as I peered through the large window of the bakery. This was her. Tall, pasty, and incredibly awkward. She was Eleanor Waverly. My God, she's carrying boxes of pastries of her own weight! I looked at her as she struggled to open up the door to exit with her several boxes in tow.

"Let me help you out there," I said, pulling open the glass door.

"Uh... thanks," she replied in a nervous, pseudo-chuckle. She was probably fully aware that she looked like a complete clown trying to perform a balancing act with baked goods.

"You just might be in a hurry, but could you donate only a fraction of your time to me? I need to conduct a survey for a project for college." Lies. Smiling, I must have creeped her out a bit, for her face looked of confusion with a hint of worry.

"It will only take a second, promise." Another lie. "Who are all the goodies for? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt if they received them only a second or so later than expected."

"They're for my parents. They're throwing a party tomorrow." she said, her voice barely audible from behind the stack of white boxes.

"Tomorrow? Wonderful! I just really need to get this in to my boss, or she'll -- "

"Boss?" Eleanor questioned. "You said earlier that it was something for college." Dropping down the boxes onto a small, round eating table perched outside of the bakery, her dark eyes narrowed at me.

"You are most certainly right!" I replied cheerily, clamping my hands together. "You are a very bright young woman, exactly the demographic my professor assigned me to look for."

She laughed at my quick, clever humor and finally sat, agreeing for me to "Survey" her. I then sat across from her of the same table of her presence.

"Alright," I exhaled, ruffling my curls and reaching for a pen and scrap paper in my purse to set up the phony survey. "Lets begin."

Eleanor nodded in response, looking unconvinced still. If she is a skeptic now, the next ten or so minutes will be difficult.

"How old are you?" I already knew the answer. Two years younger than myself.

"Seventeen."

"Favorite color?" Noticeably, my well of questions began to run dry.

"This may come off a bit boring, but gray."

Adorable, I laughed at silently in my head.

Eleanor's arms were crossed, and her eyes seemed interested in staring at the ground more than looking back at mine.

Opposed to actually making an attempt at making the surveying seem legitimate by scribbling down her replies verbatim, I doodled happy, smiling suns and flowers onto the paper instead.

"Favorite subject?"

"Chemistry."

I remembered eaves-dropping on a kid once whom complained about how he was failing that class and how that would bring his GPA down. Whatever the hell a GPA is.

Knowing that time was an object, I had to cut with the game of twenty questions and get to the more exciting topic.

"Eleanor, I have to--"

"H-h-how do you know my name?" The stammer was approaching earlier than expected.

I looked straight into her gaze, showing her that I am anything but serious would not help her believe what would be said next.

I took a deep breath in. "My name is Poppy. As you may have suspected, I could care less for surveying you. I'm here to tell you something."

Looking back at her, I noticed that the widening of her deep, brown eyes was also premature. At this rate, she will be peeing in her jeans before I finish my next sentence, I thought.

"I was sent here to find you." I began to whisper, being aware that others flooded around us "I am a fairy."

"W-what?!" Even her laughter had a stutter. "Is this some lame joke?"

Sighing, I knew she wouldn't believe it. Not at first.

"Here," I commanded. "Take this pen and paper."

"What for?" Eleanor asked, reaching for the items, her hands slightly trembling.

"I'm going to give you a little demonstration. Now, write down a word, any word. A number, and a color, too. Oh, and lets make this a bit more interesting. Put down the first thing you noticed about me. No, not the 'crazy, weird girl' you would write down about what you think of me now, but before. The very first thing you thought." Tapping my index finger against my lips, I couldn't wait to find out what would be written.

"Okay," Eleanor said. "Done."

I immediately balled my left hand into a fist and pointed a finger at the scrap sheet of paper. It had then disappeared.

"Where...?"

Opening up my left hand, I replied "Right here."

Smoothing out the paper, I read it aloud. "Tree. Seventy-eight. Turquoise..."

Eleanor's mouth fell open in disbelief.

"And the first thing you noticed about me was that I had 'very nice hair'." A broad grin developed across my face. "You think I have nice hair? Thank you! I try my best with it, you know, and to try to keep it this brilliant shade of blonde."

She didn't respond.

"Now, stop looking at me like that," tapping my hand on hers, trying to get her to snap out of her fixed, astonished gaze. "People around us may think I'm some whack-job."

She smiled and shook her brunette head. "You are a whack-job. You can teleport paper and you call yourself a fairy. You are a funny, quirky whack-job with really nice hair."

Part of me wanted to postpone the announcement of whom she was-- what she was. I then demanded that part of me to shut up and to stop being so anxious.

"You too, are a whack-job, Eleanor. A Chemistry-loving whack-job whose favorite color is gray and that likes to go to local bakeries and buy a hundred and one boxes of goods."

Frozen was her face and body after those words trailed from my lips. "This means we'll be seeing a lot more of each other then?" she asked.

I nodded, hoping she hadn't asked because it would be something she wouldn't be looking much forward to.

"Well then, for the record," she said. "I go by Elle, only Elle."

I like how descriptive you were, especially in the first paragraph. The sounds of people and their shoes, the cars passing by, I can actually visualize that in my head. Good job on that part. Another thing I would like to commend you for would be the dialogue. I like how you vividly explained what was being said, whether it was what the characters were thinking and how they were feeling(the mood) at the time. This is a good start to a good novel and I hope to see more of this.

This is a very natural read and I really enjoyed how you set up things in the first paragraph. I also really liked the narrator's snappy comments that came up every so often. They were around enough to spice up the narrative and we get an idea of what the viewpoint character is like, but they're not taking over by being too frequent or jarring. You also managed to connect the description and viewpoint character together so it doesn't feel like she came out of nowhere. More so, the setting doesn't fade off into obscurity once the plot needs to get going. It stays and interacts with the characters. And I simply adore the dialogue and body language combination you used and how you wrote the character's movement. It really humanizes them and I can easily imagine an exchange like this occurring in real life.

However, there are things that you can improve. I feel like the semi-colons aren't appropriate punctuation, even if they are grammatically correct. They jump out at me and look strange compared to the rest of the narrative. I think there's a better way to format these sections, such as with a conjunction, comma, or making them separate sentences. I also feel like some of the narration could be phrased better by moving around certain words. Maybe you could try a few ways of phrasing and read them aloud, then go with what sounds the best.

There are also a few grammar mistakes here and there. Judging from the consistent use of grammatically correct language in most of the section, these appear to be nothing more than typos that spelling and grammar checkers won't catch. I again suggest reading aloud and consulting grammar resources and dictionaries if you think something looks weird, and to never trust the spelling and grammar checkers.

Overall, excellent job! I really enjoyed reading your work. PM me if you have any questions.

Love Love Love it just one thing; Elenor seems alittle bit to o.k with finding out she's a fairy. She was freaked out before and then she just turned calm. Anyways thats it i really did like this though!

The Enchanted Ones


The sun beamed on my skin; the heat leaving it with a stinging sensation. Chatter from people both near and far rung in my ears, along with with clatter of their shoes pacing across the pavement. Cars swiftly whizzed by, passing from the corner of my eyes. I stood outside of a bakery placed on the right of the vehicle-occupied street. It was filled with delicious looking cakes, donuts, cookies, and dozens of other tasty treats that would make the mouth water of any five year-old child by the mere glance. Well, both children and fat people a like.

I didn't plan on going inside of the bakery. I wasn't here to buy strawberry cupcakes. I was here to locate a certain someone. Someone terribly hidden amongst the cluster of simple ones (those who were not graced by being enchanted soon after birth) scattered around angle to angle.

I've been told that this someone was a she, a she by the name of Eleanor Waverly. The name given to her by her simpleton, adoptive parents. This Eleanor Waverly would soon hear the most shocking news her ears have heard, and I was dying to witness the widening of her eyes, and to hear the unsteady stammer of her speech when I would fill her in on it all.

I was given a description of her. I was also told that she would be somewhere in this area around this given time.

Oh, boy, I thought as I peered through the large window of the bakery. This was her. Tall, pasty, and incredibly awkward. She was Eleanor Waverly. My God, she's carrying boxes of pastries of her own weight! I looked at her as she struggled to open up the door to exit with her several boxes in tow.

"Let me help you out there," I said, pulling open the glass door.

"Uh... thanks," she replied in a nervous, pseudo-chuckle. She was probably fully aware that she looked like a complete clown trying to perform a balancing act with baked goods.

"You just might be in a hurry, but could you donate only a fraction of your time to me? I need to conduct a survey for a project for college." Lies. Smiling, I must have creeped her out a bit, for her face looked of confusion with a hint of worry.

"It will only take a second, promise." Another lie. "Who are all the goodies for? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt if they received them only a second or so later than expected."

"They're for my parents. They're throwing a party tomorrow." she said, her voice barely audible from behind the stack of white boxes.

"Tomorrow? Wonderful! I just really need to get this in to my boss, or she'll -- "

"Boss?" Eleanor questioned. "You said earlier that it was something for college." Dropping down the boxes onto a small, round eating table perched outside of the bakery, her dark eyes narrowed at me.

"You are most certainly right!" I replied cheerily, clamping my hands together. "You are a very bright young woman, exactly the demographic my professor assigned me to look for."

She laughed at my quick, clever humor and finally sat, agreeing for me to "Survey" her. I then sat across from her of the same table of her presence.

"Alright," I exhaled, ruffling my curls and reaching for a pen and scrap paper in my purse to set up the phony survey. "Lets begin."

Eleanor nodded in response, looking unconvinced still. If she is a skeptic now, the next ten or so minutes will be difficult.

"How old are you?" I already knew the answer. Two years younger than myself.

"Seventeen."

"Favorite color?" Noticeably, my well of questions began to run dry.

"This may come off a bit boring, but gray."

Adorable, I laughed at silently in my head.

Eleanor's arms were crossed, and her eyes seemed interested in staring at the ground more than looking back at mine.

Opposed to actually making an attempt at making the surveying seem legitimate by scribbling down her replies verbatim, I doodled happy, smiling suns and flowers onto the paper instead.

"Favorite subject?"

"Chemistry."

I remembered eaves-dropping on a kid once whom complained about how he was failing that class and how that would bring his GPA down. Whatever the hell a GPA is.

Knowing that time was an object, I had to cut with the game of twenty questions and get to the more exciting topic.

"Eleanor, I have to--"

"H-h-how do you know my name?" The stammer was approaching earlier than expected.

I looked straight into her gaze, showing her that I am anything but serious would not help her believe what would be said next.

I took a deep breath in. "My name is Poppy. As you may have suspected, I could care less for surveying you. I'm here to tell you something."

Looking back at her, I noticed that the widening of her deep, brown eyes was also premature. At this rate, she will be peeing in her jeans before I finish my next sentence, I thought.

"I was sent here to find you." I began to whisper, being aware that others flooded around us "I am a fairy."

"W-what?!" Even her laughter had a stutter. "Is this some lame joke?"

Sighing, I knew she wouldn't believe it. Not at first.

"Here," I commanded. "Take this pen and paper."

"What for?" Eleanor asked, reaching for the items, her hands slightly trembling.

"I'm going to give you a little demonstration. Now, write down a word, any word. A number, and a color, too. Oh, and lets make this a bit more interesting. Put down the first thing you noticed about me. No, not the 'crazy, weird girl' you would write down about what you think of me now, but before. The very first thing you thought." Tapping my index finger against my lips, I couldn't wait to find out what would be written.

"Okay," Eleanor said. "Done."

I immediately balled my left hand into a fist and pointed a finger at the scrap sheet of paper. It had then disappeared.

"Where...?"

Opening up my left hand, I replied "Right here."

Smoothing out the paper, I read it aloud. "Tree. Seventy-eight. Turquoise..."

Eleanor's mouth fell open in disbelief.

"And the first thing you noticed about me was that I had 'very nice hair'." A broad grin developed across my face. "You think I have nice hair? Thank you! I try my best with it, you know, and to try to keep it this brilliant shade of blonde."

She didn't respond.

"Now, stop looking at me like that," tapping my hand on hers, trying to get her to snap out of her fixed, astonished gaze. "People around us may think I'm some whack-job."

She smiled and shook her brunette head. "You are a whack-job. You can teleport paper and you call yourself a fairy. You are a funny, quirky whack-job with really nice hair."

Part of me wanted to postpone the announcement of whom she was-- what she was. I then demanded that part of me to shut up and to stop being so anxious.

"You too, are a whack-job, Eleanor. A Chemistry-loving whack-job whose favorite color is gray and that likes to go to local bakeries and buy a hundred and one boxes of goods."

Frozen was her face and body after those words trailed from my lips. "This means we'll be seeing a lot more of each other then?" she asked.

I nodded, hoping she hadn't asked because it would be something she wouldn't be looking much forward to.

"Well then, for the record," she said. "I go by Elle, only Elle."

This was a very good story. Sorry i can't review it right now, I'm short on time. I'll have to come back for it.

I really, really liked this story! Good descriptions and the info you provided was enough to make me want to know what happens next without going overboard (I've seen that a few times, the writer tells almost EVERYTHING up front and leaves no mystery or intrigue at all for later on- glad you didn't do that!)