Young Writers Society

I don't know whether to continue this or not. What do you guys think? It is going to be mainly fantasy and not romance, so...
Anyway, criticism welcome.

****Can't be bothered finding all the bits? Read the full, uninterrupted story on my website, http://www.durriedog.webs.com

Fifth day of the first month.

It was raining, the day she came. Her chestnut curls had been darkened and slimmed by the rain; the water dripped down her red mask, down the forehead, down the brow and to the eye so it was as if she was weeping. The gold bordering her veil stole every piece of sunlight from the sky and reflected it back, twice as bright as it had been before. Her blue eyes glinted but were not happy; she asked for a room and a meal and was on her way.

Seventh day of the first month.

She came out of her room, wearing the mask, and rushed out the door to hold her hands to the sky, shouting praises to the day and blessing the rain as it passed. Village women eyed her through their windows, watching as she danced in the rain and shaking their heads. She was a beautiful dancer; her long, colourful sleeves dropped off the ends of her hands and flew about like wings, glistening as the nil light met the hundreds of raindrops that settled and flew off her. She shook out her curls, sending diamonds sparkling in her wake, and pulled one of the young virgins from the crowd that had gathered to hold her hand and dance. She was a wonderful teacher; the virgin got the hang of the dance quickly and the two pulled more women into the fray. It was a joyous thing to watch; the women laughed and clapped, sang and danced; they danced and danced until the afternoon sun shot colour across the sky and the rain finally passed, leaving a rainbow in its wake. After all this, the dancers sat down and faced the rainbow in a perfect, eternal moment. As I lay down to sleep, I can’t help but smile at the memory.

Eight day of the first month.

She was sitting in a corner telling the village children stories when I came downstairs. Adults and youths watched and listened, fascinated. Every once and a while she asked a child his or her name, and worked that name into the story. I ventured over and leaned against a wall, just listening to her sweet voice. Eventually my sight blurred and all I was doing was daydreaming; until, by some miracle, she asked my name.
“Tarin!” Hissed one of my friends. I looked at him, confused, and he gestured towards Her. She laughed, and several men were struck dumb.
“What is your name, DayDreamer?” She asked me.
“Tarin, lady.” I replied as my mother had taught me.
“Nice to meet you, Tarin. I’m Evelyn.”
“You have a beautiful name, Evelyn.”
She smiled in acknowledgement, and bowed her head, her eyes meeting mine.
“Thank you.”
And this is how the days progressed for many long months.

Thanks!

Durrance

Hey there Durriedog! I'm Lauren and I'll be your reviewer today.

I really liked this. It is a very interesting idea, and I would like to see where it goes. So you should continue!

I noticed some problems with your dialogue... As in when you capitalize "Hissed" and "She" after dialogue. This article here can explain it much better than I can. It helped me when I had some of the same problems.

You have done a great job with the woman, Evelyn. You have conveyed her character very well, and I feel like I know her rather well given the amount of the story posted here. I do wish I knew Tarin a bit more, but I suppose that could come later in a part more focused on him (as this was focused on Evelyn).

Very good job, and I would like to see more of this!

-Lauren

Hey there! I'm very intrigued by your story, and you did a great job! I really don't have any nitpicks, except for a couple below.

She was a beautiful dancer; her long, colourful sleeves dropped This word doesn't seem right; it makes it sound very abrupt. off the ends of her hands and flew about like wings, glistening as the nil light What's that? met the hundreds of raindrops that settled and flew off her.

“Tarin!” Hhissed one of my friends. I looked at him, confused, and he gestured towards Her. She laughed, and several men were struck dumb.
“What is your name, DayDreamer?” Sshe asked me.
“Tarin, lady.comma” I replied as my mother had taught me.

I'd like you to continue this; after all, you've got me hooked, you can't just leave me hanging!

Thank you! I'll get right onto writing more! I remember the capital rule now...

Durrance

Someone else has already pointed out the grammatical mistakes that I was intending to point it. Overall, I really liked it! I think that you should expand upon this, and not just let it whither away. Your descriptions were very vivid and fit nicely into the pacing of the story. There were only a few grammatical mistakes.

Lovely job

Hi Durrie! ^^ I talked to you in chat before, didn't I? ^^ Anyways, let me see...

The story is descriptive and beautifully so - I love how the scenes change and alternate from one other by different dates and moods. Is the narrator a child, by the way?

Oh yes, and there are a few spelling mistakes, like '"Thankyou.'" Make sure to clear those up?

Robyn.

So hey there Durriedog! I have to say, the story seems real interesting. You describe the scenery well, easy for people to imagine.

The only thing though is I don't really see where this is going, as you said it would be a fantasy story. I love anything fantasy, so there's a lot I would like to know... It would be a shame not to finish it.

Feel free to PM me if you keep it going

Hey guys! So I'm continuing it - this is all I have time to write now, but I hope you like.

Last day of the third month.

I haven’t written for many long weeks. In that time the flowers on the trees began to bloom, pushing out their beautifully coloured petals and brushing pollen onto the noses of maidens when they bent to smell them. My fourteenth Spring! Water rushes into cool creeks and lakes where they await under composed green canopies, anticipating the season in which young bodies will send precious liquid lapping at the shores.
Evelyn took the villagers to a clearing she had found in which tall grass was soft on the hands and faces. We brought with us a picnic; a small feast, but a feast nonetheless, because it was the day in whose span we celebrated the passing of one season and the start of another. Evelyn took the girls and women into the forest and they crept in the grass until they found a doe and her calf. Evelyn told the females to stay hidden where they were. The doe could obviously smell them, but she could smell Evelyn also; the woman walked up to the calf and petted it. After a while she brought up girls and ladies in twos and threes. She put their hands in front of the calf’s nose and the mother’s, letting the animals breathe in their scent. Both parties trusted her undyingly, but the mother deer was still happy when the calf bleated wearily and Evelyn pushed them off to bed.
Next it was the boys’ turn, but some men came too. Evelyn taught us a new way of hunting salmon; we didn’t need hooks, poles or nets. We slipped our hands down next to the fish with our fingers turned up and began ‘tickling’ the fish; eventually, they went to sleep and that was when we grabbed them and threw them onto dry land.
Night came and those who wanted stayed in the clearing to gaze at the stars. They twinkled so brightly, like diamonds on a black velvet sheet. I had seen velvet only once in my life and at the time I had thought it was the richest thing I would ever see; yet I would burn it all if this moment would last forever in return.

Thanks for reading!

Durrie

Okay, well thanks for PM-ing me...

Again, I liked the way you described things, it seemed natural, like you could really see what was hapenning. It's good to know more about the MC now, since we weren't really sure if it was a man or a boy.

On the other hand though, I'm still not sure where this is going. It's an easy story to follow, but so far there just doesn't seem to really be a goal in telling the story...

But I'm guessing that'll be said further on, so keep at it!

Hey there, I'm glad I caught this post! I do think you have a good story, but I am wondering where the fantasy is really going to come in. So far it seems to be more in the romance department.

There was one thing that didn't make sense for me:

Durriedog wrote:Both parties trusted her undyingly, but the mother deer was still happy when the calf bleated wearily and Evelyn pushed them off to bed.

She pushed them off to bed? Somehow this just doesn't flow with the writing style that you have, especially when describing Evelyn.

I love your descriptions; they're so beautiful and elegant! Look forward to reading more!

Excelllant! ^-^

-realms

The fantasy-ness is coming! Give it time! xD
Thanks all.

Next bit ~

First day of the fourth month.

Men from our village rolled in to the town square with cartloads of salmon, grinning at Evelyn and beckoning. She came out of the inn with her hands over the mouth of the mask. The men were delighted with their new trade that was salmon tickling. Evelyn started sifting through the pink fish, picking up fish that weren’t big enough to be eaten. With each new salmon she let out a gasp. Finally, she stood back and returned her
hands to her mouth, shivering.
A maid went up to her and asked what was wrong. Evelyn just started sobbing and pushed past the concerned woman to run to her room. We heard a shouted argument from the silent square and slowly got back to work, severely confused. We were sure no one else was in that room, but an argument there was.
It started to rain.

Second day of the fourth month.

The next day the shaken townspeople held a meeting. There were murmurs of Evelyn being a witch. I didn’t believe one word of them.
“She’s here to convert us!” yelled a man. Half-hearted murmurs of agreement were uttered; the whole town had loved Evelyn, but they had been confused and offended by the events from yesterday.
“She’s a leper!” wheezed an elder. “We’ve never seen her face!”
People were nodding nervously and whispering. How could they believe these things about Evelyn? Evelyn, who had showed us so much?
“You’re crazy!” I burst out. “How could Evelyn be a witch? She’s not afraid of fire and she doesn’t float! How could she be a leper? She's supple still! Supple as a May flower!”
“Shut up, boy!” roared a nearby peasant. He struck me across the face with his staff; I was set to the ground, hand over my bleeding forehead. “Do not speak where you are not welcome!”
I hissed under my breath and got up, but did not speak further. Bastard, I thought venomously.
The meeting carried on and the townspeople decided that whatever Evelyn was, they didn’t want her in their village. They were going to throw her out with no food or drink into the desert on the other side of the mountains in two days time.
I have to get Evelyn out of here. Tomorrow night.

I feel so bad for Evelyn being run out of town! I am rather intruigued why she was so upset about the fish, which is good. A little intruige keeps readers hooked.

Also, how old is your MC? You mentioned it was his fourteenth spring...does that mean he is fourteen? And then how old is Evelyn? And would a fourteen year old boy care enough for this young woman to try to help her out of town on his own? Just something to think about.

Can't wait for more

Hi Durrie, it's Lean again.

Again, it was well done. The flow of the story is smooth, and there aren't any grammar mistakes as far as I can see. ^^ However, a little more spacing between the paragraphs would be nice, since it looks a bit clumped this way. I hope I helped! ^^

Robyn.