Young Writers Society

Here I go again!

I really like where this is going! The beggining was really good, but now that we see a goal in the story, it's so much better.

I'm trying to figure out what her problem about the salmon is, maybe she's a naturalist, but since it's fantasy, it would mean much more than that, I guess. I'm left hanging here, since we don't have any idea really as to what extent of fantasy your story goes. It's killing me..in a good way

By the way, it doesn't bother me if you PM me..for any fantasy story. I like to review, so you can keep it coming my way!

Me again...^-^
This story is becoming very interesting, D. Very well-written! (And original)
How are old are you, Durriedog? This could be the writing of a seasoned author, if you ask me.
And do you have a general story in mind, or are you just rushing into it? Its always fun to just throw yourself into the story with reckless abandon, but an atleast rough outline will be needed eventually (unless you already have one.)
Anyway, thats just about all the critique you will get from me! Never been big on grammar. (Did notice an errored "thankyou" though, lol. Need a space.)

Keep on working on it! This has got a lot of potential!
-Realms

Hey Durrie here I am for a review!

This post I found a bit confusing:

Durriedog wrote:First day of the fourth month.

Men from our village rolled in to the town square with cartloads of salmon, grinning at Evelyn and beckoning. She came out of the inn with her hands over the mouth of the mask. The men were delighted with their new trade that was salmon tickling. Evelyn started sifting through the pink fish, picking up fish that weren’t big enough to be eaten. With each new salmon she let out a gasp. Finally, she stood back and returned her
hands to her mouth, shivering. Isn't she the one who taught them how to catch the salmon? Why would she be so upset now? Is she supposed to be like a vegetarian or in-tune with nature?

The second part you wrote was excellent. I really feel for Evelyn and don't want her to be thrown out, and I'm also wondering whether she's a witch or not, all of which makes me want to read more! I like how the story's starting to get some adventure in it now, what with the MC saying he's going to help her escape. I'm really looking forward to what comes next! Please, please PM me when you do post it up!

Thanks all!
I'll be adding the next bit soon. Just wait for the PM xD

~Durrie

Ta-da!

Third day of the fourth month.

“Evelyn! Evelyn!” I pushed my bags through the window. I was so nervous – do this to any other girl and I would be hanged. But I had to get her out. She didn’t deserve to die.
“Evelyn!” I went to her side – she even slept with the mask on! I started having second thoughts; but I mentally reined in my judgment and shook the woman.
Her eyes flicked open and she stared at me a full minute.
“Tarin?” She finally asked, in a rapt tone. “Is that you, DayDreamer?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “We have to get you out of here before they throw you into the desert!”
Evelyn frowned and shot upright; she was in the moonlight now, I could clearly see her face. Or mask, that is. She started chewing on her lip, and at first I didn’t notice anything wrong with the expression. But it dawned on me as she stopped and stared, sitting completely still.
It was the mask moving. Not her face, her mask.
“Holy sh-” I cried out in alarm and jumped backwards, stumbling over tables.
“Tarin, Tarin - ” Evelyn rushed towards me, trying to calm me. I edged away from her.
“You are a witch!” my voice shook.
“I’m not a witch!” Her voice was angrier and harsher than I’d ever heard it. Forever matched with that awful talking mask… “Evelyn, you take care of this idiot!”
I was confused. Evelyn… was talking to herself.
“Anetta!” This time the mask didn’t move. I watched, eyes wide.
“Well I don’t know him!” the mask hissed. “You’re the day genie!”
The un-mask – who I was starting to think was Evelyn, while the mask was another person – sighed.
“Tarin,” Said the Evelyn I knew, the kind one; “You will have to help us out of this town. Okay? I will explain everything on the road.”
I looked at her with mistrust. At this the mask – Anetta – sighed.
“Boy, we’re genies, if you don’t come wilfully we’ll have to tie you in a bag and drag you after us.”
She bent to pick up my bags and looked back at me, hoisting them onto her hip.
“Coming?” She held out a hand.
I still mistrusted her, and my eyes flicked from her face to her hand and back again. She seemed earnest.
With a frightened nod, I put my hand on hers. Evelyn smiled, and we ran out into the night.

Thanks!

~Durrie

It was raining, the day she came.

Delete the comma.

the water dripped down her red mask, down the forehead, down the brow and to the eye so it was as if she was weeping.

It should be: ... down the brow and to the eye so it looked as if she was weeping.

; they danced and danced until the afternoon sun shot colour across the sky and the rain finally passed, leaving a rainbow in its wake.

I would make this an entire new sentence. And the word ‘danced’ is a little repetitive in this paragraph.

I looked at him, confused, and he gestured towards Her.

The her should be italicized.

She smiled in acknowledgement, and bowed her head, her eyes meeting mine.

I wouldn’t say acknowledgement. I would say compliment.

It started to rain.

I love this! It just ties together the entire diary entry.


Sorry this took me so long Yeller!

I love this. I really do. I think you have something going for you here, definitely continue.

What's bothering me is the beginning with the veil. I have no idea what that was about. I hope you will explain it.

And also how we never fully get a description of her. I mean, I can picture her, but I want to hear her speak, you know? Her words, her dialogue is what is important in these first few parts.

Loved it! Classy

Whoa, good twist there! Totally took me by surprise, and now I'm more intrigued than ever!

There were a couple of things I noticed:

Durriedog wrote:“Evelyn!” I went to her side – she even slept with the mask on! I started having second thoughts; no semicolon needed here, just a comma; a semicolon is used to connect two sentences that could work as two separate sentences. Since you have a "but" here, it's doing the work of the attaching, so all you need is a comma. but I mentally reined in my judgment and shook the woman.
Her eyes flicked open and she stared at me a full minute.
“Tarin?” She finally asked, in a rapt tone. “Is that you, DayDreamer?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “We have to get you out of here before they throw you into the desert!”
Evelyn frowned and shot upright; she was in the moonlight now, I could clearly see her face. Or mask, that is. She started chewing on her lip, and at first I didn’t notice anything wrong with the expression. But it dawned on me as she stopped and stared, sitting completely still.
It was the mask moving. Not her face, her mask. This gave me the chills.
“Holy sh-” I cried out in alarm and jumped backwards, stumbling over tables.
“Tarin, Tarin - ” Evelyn rushed towards me, trying to calm me. I edged away from her.
“You are a witch!” my voice shook.
“I’m not a witch!” Her voice was angrier and harsher than I’d ever heard it. Forever matched with that awful talking mask… “Evelyn, you take care of this idiot!”
I was confused. Evelyn… was talking to herself.
“Anetta!” This time the mask didn’t move. I watched, eyes wide.
“Well I don’t know him!” the mask hissed. “You’re the day genie!”
The un-mask – who I was starting to think was Evelyn, while the mask was another person – sighed. You explained this really well; I was confused at first when she called her own name, but I like how you've shown that the mask is a separate entity.
“Tarin,” Said the Evelyn I knew, the kind one; “You will have to help us out of this town. Okay? I will explain everything on the road.”
I looked at her with mistrust. At this the mask – Anetta – sighed.
“Boy, we’re genies, if you don’t come wilfully I believe it's "willingly." "Willfully" means more along the lines of "stubbornly." we’ll have to tie you in a bag and drag you after us.”

Really looking forward to more!

Whoa ...wasn't expecting that one! Really good, definitely surprised me!
So keep it coming!

Thanks all

Hi, it's Leza. Good job, as usual. I especially liked the split personality twist. ^^ The sudden difference in writing style is a little jarring, but I suppose it couldn't have stayed all dream-like and beautiful forever. Again, a job very well done.

Keep up the good work!

Robyn.

Sixth day of the third month.

My days are confusing. Evelyn rules the day and Anetta the night. But sometimes, when we have escaped the gaze of civilisation, the two merge.

Evelyn is not the Evelyn I knew. She’s an alien now. As promised, she did explain everything. I don’t like it.
Anetta and Evelyn are genies, elemental spirits that have been pushed into the same body. This is common when spirits become too strong. All this is done under the command of their queen, in another world, called Qusie. They pronounce it ‘Kwo-sei’.
We walk the stretch of rainforest just before the desert, sleeping in caves in the mountains when wet and on the ground when dry. We had enough to eat, for sure; all of it fruit, vegetables and roots. I only get to eat meat when we stop in towns, because the genies are vegetarian. Everyone in their world is. How queer.
We were walking to Ariesea, to get a boat to the country next to ours. The genies were migrating from place to place, trying to find a town in which they could fit in and have a normal life. If they fit in for five years, Anetta never tired of saying, they will get their own bodies back.
“I wish you all of luck,” I always reply, and Anetta smiles her scary grin.
I also wish I’d never gone to them that night. I had thrown away my life – everything I had known! At the same time, though, I care too much about Evelyn to want her dead.
I walk behind them and carry the packs, to which Evelyn protests. Anetta doesn’t. She calls me her pack animal, the lucky one who has to follow for the rest of his days. “Now that you saw us being genies, you are forever bonded. Do not even think of running away, because you will meet us again, sometime, some way.” She warned.
I am tired, and am going to bed. I hope that even if I die soon, I will be able to warn others about this, about them. I will warn them in my book. For now, however, I will follow. A life still lies ahead of me.

I close my book, brush the dust off the cover and say a prayer over it before putting it down and closing the earth over it. I sigh and look over the camp, scratching the back of my neck. “Another day ends,” I muse out loud. “Can’t wait till tomorrow.

Hope I don't dissapoint! And no, this is not the end
~Durrie

I'm Un-liking! *Just kidding* XD
Actually, its still really good! ^-^
The only problem i have with the latest additions is the "holy sh-." Its just kindof a jolt for me to be hearing that in a setting which i assumed was... medevial? Historical? Dunno.
That, and the sudden style change, which, like another person said, is a bit jarring. Kidnof liked the surreal, beautiful thing you had going there before...
Finally, the whole mask face talking thing is a bit cheesy when i imagine it. But i don't have a clue as to how you would improve that, so...
Otherwise, its still very compelling, and well-written! Keep on going, and don't give up! ^-^

-M.E.

Ok, well we know a little bit more now. Guess the kid unwillingly went on a journey, adventure, whatever you wanna call it!
There's not really anything else to say, I'm wondering what happens next!

It's Leza again. ^^ Wow, and I mean it. Still jarring every time I look back and forth between the posts to refresh myself, but I guess it can't be helped. I especially like how you separated both Evelyn and Anette into two different characters - not exact opposites, but not similar, either. While Evelyn is sweet and conscientious, Anette appears to be the imposing, cold type. Good work with the characterisation, and keep working - this is doing great. ^^

Robyn.

Whoo! You liked it ^^
Enjoy this next part! I'm going to pair the next parts with pictures from Google So... ^^

Chapter 1 Part 1



This place was very different from home. Across one side, orangey dust rose from a desert that never seemed to end and odd green plants held pink flowers high. There were also lizards – not the kind of lizard we had left far behind, the kind with the smooth scales, but instead prickly specimens with dry skin and upturned heads. We saw odd trails near us like parallel lines drawn a stride’s length apart, and I asked Evelyn what they were tracks of. She said it was a kind of snake.
On the other side there were barely concealed mountains wreathed in trees that wound around each other so much they seemed to blur together. I could see smoke rising into the sky on this side and I knew there hid our destination, Ariesea. We were close.
It grew dark. The horizon shot orange up into the sky before drawing it in, pulling the blue of day close after it. Anetta took over and picked a spot for the night before walking off into the desert for firewood, quite unafraid. I was left by myself, feeling the first of the nightly winter chills biting at my arms. I knew the drill; I dug a fire pit and spread blankets on both sides, making a bed for me and one for Anetta. Next I went into the forest and ripped a branch off a tree; we would use the large, green leaves to create smoke to keep biting night bugs at bay. Then I pulled a log up to my side and sat, drawing a blanket around me. Evelyn had bought all the blankets at a town we passed, after she had seen how cold I got. The genies didn’t need as many, because where they came from was colder. Anetta thought I should learn to adjust but Evelyn, with her kind nature, wouldn’t hear of it. “He’ll be carrying them,” She reasoned. Anetta had smiled her cat-got-the-cream smile.
When Anetta got back she quickly made a fire and sat down with a blissful sigh.
“I love the desert.” She said. I didn’t know why she was telling me this, but I was intrigued by this unusual show of compassion.
“It’s… good.” I lied, to break the sudden silence.
“Good, boy?” Anetta grinned “Cold again? Maybe I should throw you in the fire, keep you warm!”
I ignored her and lay down. She stayed up a while longer, just drinking in the nature, before she lay down too.
“I guess the desert is alright,” I said warily. Anetta didn’t reply, but I could see her smile across the fire.

~Durrie