Young Writers Society

I really liked the idea of the story.
I loved this, you should continue it.
Sorry for the lame critique, I don't have many negative things to say. :/
But nice beginning, I thought this was written clearly and with lots of details.
Great job and Keep writing!
-jordan(:

Gah okay sorry I just finished writing the review and then accidentally deleted it all, and I couldn't undo it. Anyways, here I go again.

Um, I think you explained the genie situation well, it's not complicated or drawn out, which I like.

Durriedog wrote:Anetta and Evelyn are genies, elemental spirits that have been pushed into the same body.

"Pushed" doesn't sound right. Maybe you could use something along the lines of "merged" although I know you used it earlier.

I walk behind them and carry the packs, to which Evelyn protests. Anetta doesn’t. She calls me her pack animal, the lucky one who has to follow for the rest of his days.

Hahaha I love this!

I close my book, brush the dust off the cover and say a prayer over it before putting it down and closing the earth over it. I sigh and look over the camp, scratching the back of my neck. “Another day ends,” I muse out loud. “Can’t wait till tomorrow."

Okay, so how can he be writing in his book about how he's closed it and is no longer writing, you know what I mean?

That's it for that post, onto the next one!

Hehe I like the idea of having pictures. And your descriptions here are excellent, I could picture everything really well.

Durriedog wrote:Across one side, orangey dust rose from a desert that never seemed to end and odd green plants held pink flowers high.

Orangey? I don't know if that counts as a word, but you could say "Across one side, orange-tinged dust" or something like that.

“He’ll be carrying them,” Sshe reasoned.

“I love the desert.” Sshe said.

I'm not very good at explaining this, but here's an excellent link that covers what I mean to say: topic44898.html


Looking forward to reading more!

Grr, I forgot that rule again!!!!!
Thank you Ranger ^^

~Durrie

As usual, I thought it was good. I honestly have nothing else to say
So keep it coming!

Wow, I was actually impressed with this, which is saying something. Your descriptions are a little obscure, but I like that. The way you write your details makes the reader wonder, but it also lets them weave a picture out of their own imaginations.

The one thing I'd try to fix is the dialogue. Lacks emotions. Try to work that in. Otherwise I definitely think you should continue with this.

Very nice durrie! Loved the elegance.

-olli

Ooh, cool! Very descriptive! And a nice return to the style you had going in the first place... ^-^
Probably the only thing Mr. Realms would recommend changing "orangey." Its not a word, as far as i know. (LOL) Editors are funny about that stuff, and its cheesy, anyway. XD
Can't seem to find anything else. Sorry, i'm not really that great of a critic. XD
Mr. Realms suggests that next, you throw a bump or hurdle in the character's way, and have a suspenseful scene or two to liven things up. Perhaps they are attacked by Spirit Wolves who suck the Anneta soul out of Evalyn {or something like that}. They have to go and get her back, or Evelyn will die. (She is emotionally affected by this, and feels torn apart.) That would be intriguing... ^^
Anywayz, though, to summarize, it was amazing {how DO you do it???} and Mr. Realms is hungry for more!
Gotta go, so get back to you latr!
-M.E.

Here you go! Sorry for not posting for so long, guys! Hope you all like!



Chapter 1 Part 2

“I be a bee, I see a bee, I ate a little green pea. I think I thought, I think I may and it starts with… C!”
“Cactus!”
“No…”
“Clouds?”
“Nope.”
“Ahh…clothes?”
“Further still.”
“Okay. I give up. What is it?”
“City!”
Evelyn bound up a dune and pointed gleefully at the horizon. I shaded my eyes and jogged up next to her, searching for said metropolis.
“Where?”
“Just there!”
She drew my face against hers so that we were cheek-to-cheek and traced a circle in the air, focused around a blurry image wriggling behind heat waves, partly covered by the spindly trunk of a tree.
“See?”
But I wasn’t listening. I’d drawn away and was looking at her, though her hand was still holding my chin. She turned her head to look at me, and I realised she was waiting for a reply.
“Oh, ah – yes.” There was a pause where we just looked at each other, and then her lips widened to frame a smile under the shiny red that was Anetta’s face and Evelyn’s mask.
“Race you to the tree.”
She sprinted off. It took me a while to recover, but then I smiled also.
“Hey – hey! That’s not fair! I’m carrying the luggage!” I ran after her, laughing. She screamed joyfully as she saw me chasing her and darted behind the dead, silver-barked tree. We circled each other on opposite sides of the plant, changing directions, smiling and laughing. Evelyn flitted to one side, and then the other. Her foot got caught in a root and she went down, though still laughing and grinning up at me.
But then the unexpected happened.

Dun Dun DUN!! 'Till next time

~Durr

It was good, but way too short! I barely had time to get into it and it was finished!

As per a writer's opinion, the end was a good cliffhanger, as a reader's point of view, it sucked to end it like that!!!

A rather well-done cliffhanger. But I wish you put a few more spaces between the lines, like so:

“I be a bee, I see a bee, I ate a little green pea. I think I thought, I think I may and it starts with… C!”

“Cactus!”

“No…”

“Clouds?”

“Nope.”

Otherwise, it was well done. :3 I hope to see the next installment soon! ^^

Robyn.

Love, love, love, it! The very first paragraph had me hooked! Yay! I love good stories!

Yay, I've been wondering when you were going to post the next part up!

There wasn't anything grammatically that I noticed to nitpick at, and the only thing I'd suggest is to make it clear who's talking at first. I had to go back to ascertain that it was Evelyn speaking first. That being said, I love the “I be a bee, I see a bee, I ate a little green pea. I think I thought, I think I may and it starts with… C!” Great line there.

And that's just cruel, leaving the cliffhanger like that. Geez. You better post the next part up soon!

Ask and you shall recive! By the way, Hawkie, love the new avvie! Mmmm Batman!



Chapter 2 Part 1

Like a hungry maw swallowing whole a morsel, a trapdoor opened under the sand and Evelyn was sent down, down, down. Her mouth was popped open in shock and panic, her wide eyes the only white in a sea of black. She disappeared, but the scream of both Evelyn and Anetta remained long after.
“Evelyn!” I shouted. “Evelyn! Evelyn – no!” I scrabbled at the side of the opening while trying not to be bested by gravity, gulped down into the horrible darkness by the very thing that had ironically kept me on my feet all these years. Finally, the maw gave up on me and slowly shut itself. I collapsed onto it.
I can’t remember much of my life before Evelyn, though I can remember some. Oddly enough the last few months had been the most interesting in my life. It wasn’t as if my life almost half a year ago had been cut cleanly loose, severed from my brain completely. It was more as if someone had tried to cut the cloth of my existence by sliding a knife down it. But trailing the two genies is my life now. And… it just disappeared.

I started by digging into the sand around the partly concealed trapdoor and prying at the small gap around it with anything I could find. Nothing worked on it. It was as if it was… as if it was weighed down by the bodies of all its victims. Who had built this? I looked around me. It was as if all the vicious knots and bends in the roots of this tree were centred on this man-made obstruction.
I tried to break the door. My nerves tingled at the thought of all the height below me as I jumped on it, and what would happen if the door actually did break. But it didn’t. It wouldn’t, under my weight.
Tears of frustration blinded me, and I blinked in an attempt to rid myself of them. The liquid was spread across my face as I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hands. I forced myself not to cry further, but my eyes stung from the wind and sand. I stood up, one hand on the tree, and looked to the west. The sun was setting, and I knew that by morning the trapdoor would be covered by sand. I wouldn’t be able to find it again. Damn.
Looking up, I tore a branch from the tree, now evil to me. Reaching as if for my throat with candelabra fingers, the branch seemed to challenge me. Challenge me to recapture Evelyn from it. Challenge me to go further. But I would. I wiped my nose with my hand and started shredding dead fingers off it.
When I was done, I ripped the corner off a blanket and pushed the top and bottom of an end through the stick, so it was like a flag. Now to write on it – ink? No, I’d buried that with my book. I moaned angrily, searching for something to write on it with. There was nothing. Wait, maybe there was something.
Blood.
But no, I couldn’t mutilate myself! And I had to write on the stick to distinguish it from the many others lying around. I tried marking the actual tree by cutting at it with my knife, but it made no mark on the glossy bark no matter where I tried. Neither would anything else. I howled in frustration. Then I had another idea, and reached for my pack.
Fish! I would use the flies to guide me to the door! Instantly animated by this, I reached for the wrapped package and laid a slice on the door, drawing in sand with my arms to make a nice pile on it. Having done this, I felt useless. Tired, I set up camp on the forest/desert fringe and went to sleep.

Hope you all enjoyed!

~Durr

OK, this was good, but my only thing was the time difference you mentioned. I don't remember you saying anything about it being months since he left his village. I thought it had only been a couple of days, and all of a sudden you said it'd been half a year. I'm slightly confused.

Anyways, that was my only nit-pick. The chapter was good though, keep at it!