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Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:16 am
TaylaChase says...



Zahara glanced through the branches of the redwood trees from her perch on a neighboring tree limb. She looked across the sea of trees towards the mountains. The wind whipped at her face, pushing at her hair and clothes. She brushed strands of her black hair out of her face as she eagerly watched the faraway mountains.

Her eyes lit up as she spotted a shape flying through the lingering mist of the mountain peak. The silhouette grew larger and began to take form. She could see its leathery wings taking graceful, effortless, strokes as it sailed through the air. Its tail swept behind it slicing through the wind.

This was what she had been waiting for, the untamed beauty of the dragon. She smiled as she watched the power and elegance of the huge creature. Another appeared through the mists and began to circle the mountain. The first dragon flew closer to Zahara and she could see the
alluring red scales that glinted as the sun reflected off them. She watched it, intrigued. It swerved and flew away, becoming smaller.

Some villagers caught sight of it and shrank back into the shadows in fear. The dragon circled back towards the mountains and Zahara lost sight of it as it disappeared in the mist.

She wished she could stay longer to watch the dragons, but she knew her family would be angry if she didn't come back in
time to help finish up the days chores. She climbed down from the tree and took one last look towards the sky before she began her trek back through the forest and towards the small village which held her family's small inn.

She made her way through the quiet forest with redwoods towering above her. The fallen needles from the pines lay dry and dead, scattered about the forest floor. They crunched underfoot as she passed through the darkening forest. The last rays of sunlight peered through the branches of the trees, mottling the barren ground of the woodland.

She made her way through the thickets of brush to the dusty road and trudged along it, thinking of her uncanny attraction to the most feared animal in the whole world. They were also her first memory. She couldn't explain it but she also couldn't deny it. When she had been very young, she remembered riding on the back of a beautiful silver dragon. She recalled the feeling she'd had of being so high and free. Was it a dream? Or was it reality? Zahara pushed her muddled thoughts out of her mind as the road curved and the village came into view. A few trails of smoke rose from the village and into the sky.

She gloomily made her way through the streets of the village and to the her family's Inn. She stepped inside to a room void of life. Everyone was off doing chores at the time and she was the only one in the house. She crept through the main room and to the back where they kept the food storage. The family bedrooms were also through the back, along with the backdoor.

Since no one was around she silently went into her room and stopped to observe. Her bed was tucked into a corner of the room, at the foot of the it was a window with a chest to the other side of it. She walked to the chest resting by the window. A painting of the family lay on its smooth mahogany surface.

She scanned the painting, gently smiling. Her sister stood at her mothers side, a few ringlets of her short blond hair fell freely over her shoulder as she clung to her mother. Her mother had her arms around both girls, one on each side. She had a pleasant smile that complimented her golden shoulder length hair. Then there was Zahara, her lean figure slightly away from the others. She had a calm peaceful smile and her long black hair neatly framed her pale face and went on to fall over her slim shoulders. She loved her family dearly but she knew she didn't belong. Not that they would ever admit it though, she thought to herself.

Zahara looked out her window with longing in her eyes and could see the peak of the mountain contained in mist. The sun had disappeared beneath the horizon and the dragons were gone with it. Something called to her from the mountain, she could feel it in her soul. There was something out there calling to her, beckoning her. Zahara looked out her window with longing in her eyes and could see the peak of the mountain
contained in mist. The sun had sank beneath the horizon and the dragons were gone with it. Something
called to her from the mountain, she could feel it in her soul. There was something out there calling to
her, beckoning her. Inside she longed to answer it, she felt her spirit straining to follow.

She flopped down on her bed, wincing as a sudden pain coursed through her side. She sat up in alarm, holding her side. She lifted her shirt, blood was trickling from an open wound. Zahara grabbed a shirt from a pile of clothes and held it to her wound. Earlier in the day she had noticed a small cut on her side, but thought nothing of it.

Blinded by panic she ran from the room, stumbling as her side throbbed. She sprinted out the back door and down the dark back alley behind the house towards the healers house. She raced up the steps of a small brick house and hurriedly opened the door.

Inside, a small, shriveled woman was tending to a basket of herbs. She jumped slightly as Zahara flung open the door. She turned quickly to face the intruder, “Zahara! What happened?!” she said as she noticed Zahara holding her side. The woman scrambled over to stand by a tall stool, “Come and sit, quickly.” Zahara stumbled to the chair and sat, her face twisted in a mask of pain. She removed the now blood soaked shirt to show the woman, “I don't know how it got there, I was fine until just a
bit ago” she said, grinding her teeth. The aged woman went quickly to her shelves and got down a jar. Opening the lid she lifted Zahara's shirt to reveal the wound. She scooped some of the salve from the jar and spread it gently over Zahara's side. The bleeding subsided and Zahara relaxed a bit to watch the
healer take some wrappings from a cupboard and dip them into a greenish liquid. She wrung them out and brought them to the stool Zahara was sitting on. Gently wrapping them around Zahara's stomach until the wound was completely covered. She finished off with a knot and lowered Zahara's shirt, “That
should help for now, but it won't be able to heal your wound.”
“Zahara's eyebrows shot up, “Why not?!? You always manage to heal wounds, Gwyneth.”
Gwyneth looked away, “Yes, but yours is different, Zahara, I can't heal it with regular herbs. It only has one antidote.”
“What's that?”
Gwyneth sighed, “Well, I have something I think you should know.” she brought herself to the couch and sat down. “Eleven years ago I found a girl. I was out in the meadow gathering herbs and plants for healing and I found her just beyond the meadow. She was sleeping. She wore strange clothes and when
she woke up she spoke a foreign language. It wasn't like anything I had ever heard. I took her to the village and no one else had ever heard anything like it. Her clothes were alien to us as well. I convinced the Innkeepers to take her in and raise her.”
Zahara's eyes widened at the growing realization, the truth Gwyneth was revealing, “Wait a minute, your not saying that the girl was me are you? That's not possible, I don't know any other language!” she stuttered, failing at her attempt to try and convince herself that it wasn't her.

Although Gwyneth was growing old, her bright blue eyes were still glowing with life, “Zahara, let me finish the story, please.”
Zahara nodded slightly, dumbstruck at the fully bloomed realization.
“Slowly she began to speak our language and we decided to keep this knowledge from her. She was raised as one of us but we could all tell she was different. Zahara, that girl is you.”
Zahara sat there shocked at the knowledge she had never known. In a way she didn't want it to be true, but at the same time it all made everything make sense, she was different from them.
“You may be wondering what this has to do with healing your wound. People are meant to stay in their own worlds. You have the power to travel worlds and that's why you have been able to stay in this world so long. But it cannot help you forever, Zahara. Your body is dying.”
“Dying?” Zahara asked softly. She sat limply on the stool, not being able to take all this information in at once.
“The only way to reverse the wounds progress, is to return to your own world.” Gwyneth said, her eyes becoming watery.
“But my family owns an inn, one in this world, so how could I be from another world?” She said, shocked into a senseless state of being.
“Zahara, you need to be thinking straight right now. We need to get you back to your own world, quickly.” Gwyneth said urgently.
Zahara sat, with a expressionless face. She stared at nothing, quietly saying mindless things to herself.
“Zahara, I know this is a lot for me to ask of you right now, but I need you to concentrate.” Gwyneth took Zahara by the shoulders and gently shook her, “I need you to go pack some things and come back here, Zahara. Okay?”
“Alright.” Zahara stumbled off the stool and out the door. She held her side as she she went, slightly limping. The fresh air blew across her pale face slightly wakening her from her daze. The back door was still open and she stepped inside.

Her eyes dimmed as she realized everyone was still gone. She had hoped to get to say one final goodbye to them, before vanishing from the world she had known so long. Her room was just as she left it, a pile of clothes still laying at the edge of her bed. Yet things were so different now. She looked towards the painting once more, tears welling up in her eyes. She sniffed and held them back. This would be the last time she would ever see their smiling faces.

She looked around her room once more, taking a last look at all she would be leaving behind. She grabbed a rucksack from her chest as tears began spilling off her cheeks. She stuffed some clothes and a few other things into her sack. A pad of paper lay in her drawer from which she took a pencil and started scribbling on the notepad;

I love you so much.

She wrote through blurred eyes, tears now streaming down her face she continued,

My body is dying and I have to return to my own world to stop it. I wish I could have had the chance to say goodbye in person, but Gwyneth says we must leave now. I know it's not right for me to just leave after all you've done for me but there's no other way. I won't ever forget you, and I love you both.
[i]Love,
Zahara
[/i]

She left the note on her dresser and slowly left the room for the last time. She went to the pantry and filled her sack the rest of the way with food then walked silently to the back door. She wiped her eyes and took one last glance at her home. A single tear slid down her cheek as she said goodbye. She ran her fingers over the doorknob and gently turned it, full of remorse.

The back alley was cold and damp, moss growing through the stones under her feet as she ran, tears once again cascading down her cheeks as she let all her emotions run wild.

As she darted towards Gwyneth's house she ignored the pain flooding through her side. She hardly noticed the hunched figure standing outside beside the door. A pale brown cloak lay over her
hunched shoulders, the ratty ends sweeping over the cobblestones as the she shambled into the pale moonlight, revealing her face from the shadows. Zahara stopped abruptly as she perceived the silhouette, “I'm sorry to have surprised you like that, Zahara.” the slight frame hobbled closer to
Zahara, “Gwyneth! Don't sneak up on me like that!” she said shakily, wiping tears from her eyes.

Gwyneth reached out and took Zahara's hands holding them in her own withered palms. The creases by her eyes deepened as her face warmed with a smile, “I'm sorry, dear,” she said in a craggy voice.
“Please thank my family for me. Thank you for all you've done for me, Gwyneth, I'll miss you.” Zahara hugged Gwyneth.
“Zahara, the reason I know all of this is because a dragon told me. She told me not a day ago, and I was afraid of believing her. She was here looking for you, to bring you back. She didn't want to stay near humans, so she said she would wait for you by the mountain. Travel in that direction you will soon find her. Good luck Zahara, and farewell.” Gwyneth wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.
“Why didn't she stay and pick me up?”
“I don't think she realized what little time was left.”
“Oh” Zahara glanced back at Gwyneth one last time, before disappearing into the night.

Zahara ran through forest. She had recovered slightly from her shock and felt refreshed. She tried to ignore her aching side as she attempted to enjoy the dark and push away her mournful feelings of leaving her family. It felt good to finally know the truth. She kept running, the wind in her hair, the cool of the night, the moon, bright in the sky. It all felt so relaxing. She soon slowed to a walk and closed her eyes, old tears still painted on her face. Stopping and considering the distance to the mountain, she figured walking through the night would get her to the mountain by sunrise.

***

Light was beginning to spill over the sky as the sun slowly emerged from the trees. Zahara's eyes were half closed in exhaustion from walking all night, but the mountain was much closer. She decided to stop and take a short break to rest her legs and eat a bit. She sat down with her back to a tree and let out a depleted sigh. She rested her head on the tree and began to ponder all the things Gwyneth had told her. Weary from travel she closed her eyes and slipped into her subconscious dreams.

The sound of wing beats pulled Zahara from her dreams. She sat up from her slouched position and rubbed her eyes. The sun was now almost at it's peak and the sky was lit by the bright rays of the sun.
“Oh great, I fell asleep!” Zahara said frustrated with herself.

Suddenly, a shadow fell across her and she looked up to see a dragon, the closest she had ever been to one. She stared awe-struck, they were even more magnificent close up. She couldn't see its color against the sun, but was still amazed. It circled away from the sun, its dazzling silver scales were nothing like anything she had ever seen before. The dragon flew in towards Zahara and began to hover, beating its wings more rapidly to keep in flight.

It was almost directly above her, she gazed at it anxiously. With every wing beat it dropped lower to the ground. Zahara watched and realized it was landing. She scrambled to her feet and backed away. Exhilaration raced through her veins and she shivered with anticipation. Instinctively, terror engulfed her and she held back the urge to run as the majestic creature completed its landing, neatly folded its thick leathery wings, and looked straight at her. The two stood in silence for a while. Zahara studied the creature with amazement and fear, it had intense sapphire eyes that seemed to stare right through her. She felt as if she had seen the dragon somewhere before, somewhere a long time ago.

Suddenly it spoke, “Zahara, do not be frightened. I am Xenia, I have searched this world over for you, desperately calling, hoping that you would hear me. You have finally come.” As it spoke Zahara realized that the beckoning call had been from the dragon. This dragon. This was the dragon she had been riding in her memory. She registered this with shock. “I was flying with you when I was a little girl. Why can I ride a dragon when dragons are wild and they never come near humans?” Zahara said bewildered.
“Yes, it is as you say. We do not mingle with humans.”
Zahara continued to stare at it in awe, then plucked up the courage to ask, “Why, then, would you come to the village looking for me?”
“You do not come from this world. In the world come from there are beings filled with magic, like me humans are born with the same powers of these different creatures. For example, your mother had the magic of a unicorn, she was fierce yet gentle, like unto a unicorn. The only creature in all the worlds that can travel between the worlds are dragons. You have the same magic as us. You can travel worlds although you do not now how to use these powers. In a way you are related to us, so we associate with
you. You are the only one like us. We see you as our kind.”

Zahara stood there, all of her feelings threatening to overwhelm her. She was overcome with questions and feelings, it was all so confusing! She took a deep breath and calmed herself enough to clear her mind and ask, “How did I get to this world?”
“When you were little, a war was starting. Your mother was injured and your father had no way of protecting you both, so I, being your magic source, took the task upon myself to protect you. I took you away to another world where you would be safe. I meant to bring you back right away after the war. Back then I was young and foolish, I went my own way after dropping you off and lost track of where you were. I began my search, calling for you.”
“What do you mean you're my magic source?”
“In your world the people get their magic from the animals, they are connected in a way that allows the humans to use the magic as well. The two connected beings tend to stick together as a pair. Now that you have finally been found, it is time to return you to your own world. Climb on my back.”
“O-on your back? How will I stay on? I mean, I'll fall off. I can't ride a dragon.” she flustered nervously.
“You have ridden before without doubt. Do you not trust you can do it again?”
“Um, sure, but now I'm injured.”
“Trust me.”
“Uh, I suppose, if you say so” Zahara was hesitant at first but was overflowing with excitement as she walked to the side of the dragon. She slid her hand along the scales covering her side, they were cool and sleek. Xenia towered above Zahara, “You're to tall for me to get on” Zahara was surprised at how natural it felt to be around Xenia and talk to her. Xenia crouched and leaned sideways till she was almost touching the ground and extended her wing. Zahara touched her wing and felt the rough scaly hide that stretched between her strong wing bones. She
slowly put her leg over one side and slid into a sitting position on her back.

Xenia stood and took flight, her wings slicing through the wind and carrying them higher and higher into the pale blue sky. Zahara's knuckles turned white as she clung to Xenia, she looked down and regretted doing so. Her legs were beginning to ache from pressing them tightly against Xenia's sides. Her side was stabbing with pain. She closed her eyes feeling nauseous.

She thought back to when she was little. She had so easily been at peace on Xenia's back as they soared through the air. Why couldn't she do it now? She thought hard, trying to remember. Then it hit her, she had trusted Xenia entirely. She had hung on and let Xenia do the rest, forgetting about everything except the ride. Zahara took her hands off of Xenia's back and tried to forget about the ground so far below her. As she realized how enjoyable it was if she ignored everything except Xenia and herself, her fear disappeared and the joy of flying overtook her.

Zahara's smile widened as the wind blew through her hair stronger than ever before. She held on tight, no longer worrying about how to stay on and relished every moment. As she relaxed the pain in her side subsided. She could feel the magnificent power of the creature below her. She let out a calm laugh, having the time of her life.

A cold, thin fog started to spread until they were enveloped in a heavy mist and Zahara could hardly see her hands. The mist began to shimmer, first silvery then more colors reflected on the mist. All the colors were pale as they gleamed through the fog, glimmering and moving. The colors were alive, dancing on the mist and shimmering betwixt one another. An unimaginable rainbow of colors glimmered through the mist. It was a beautiful sight, Zahara sat watching as they passed through it.

They emerged from the mist to a simple cave. Zahara could smell the damp walls with reflected light flickering over them from a calm river running through the cave. It was a huge river, big enough for two dragons to comfortably swim side by side. The ceiling lowered farther down the tunnel, too low for a dragon to fly beneath. A boat was tied to a sturdy rock, the river gently tugging at it, tempting it to follow its course. Xenia leaned over again and Zahara climbed off, she walked over to the river and dipped her hand in creating a disturbance on the smooth surface. The dark water was pleasantly warm as it ran past her hand.
“You can use the boat and I will swim behind you” Xenia stated simply.
Zahara looked back at her then slowly climbed into the boat waiting at the rivers edge. She untied the rope and put it in the boat. The river swept the boat away from the bank and gently downstream. Xenia slipped in the water and began swimming behind the little boat.
“Where are we?” Zahara said turning around to face the silver dragon effortlessly keeping pace with the boat.
“We call it the In-between. It is the place in between all the worlds. We have already flown through the fabric of the world you were in. Now we are in the space separating the worlds. We are not contained by the fabric of a world, we are amidst them all.”
“Oh” Zahara said pretending to understand it all.

The boat floated down the river bend into a small lake. It came to a stop by the shore of a cavern filled with stalagmites and stalactites. There were reefs of odd looking plants and stones that Zahara had never imagined. She got out of the boat and stood at the edge of the river, looking around at the marvelous scenes surrounding her. Several stalactites and stalagmites joined together creating a pillar. The room was similar to the colors in the mist but not quite as brilliant.

She noticed several different egresses in the cave wall, behind each a different world. The one to her left was at the end of a short tunnel, the sides of purple stone dripping with water from the moisture in the air. At the end was a snow laden world, a snow covered pine and a tree she didn't recognize stripped of all its leaves. She could see orange light flickering on the walls of a small barred hole directly beneath the first. To the right of the orange furnace was a beach, the sun was setting and the waves were placidly sweeping up and down the shore. Clouds drifted by over the oranges and pinks of a sunset. She gazed in wonder at the portal above it. Stars were smudged over an endless sea of deep blue, gleaming like the little balls of fire that they were. She could see a barren white planet, behind it a
blue planet with patches of green spread over the small round orb. The one after that was orange with a deep orange band surrounding it.

Xenia by now had left the river and was currently watching Zahara as she observed the cavern and all its wonders. She eyed Zahara as she studied the distant escarpment covered by trees and plants with a waterfall sliding down its face. There were fields of grass and trees, the river from the waterfall flowing through it all. Xenia smiled as Zahara's face lit up at the sight of this world. The sky was golden as the sun began to sink lower in the sky. The gateway to the right was filled with dense jungle trees, a river flowing through them. Zahara squinted and looked closer as she thought she saw a figure amidst the trees, but couldn't be sure. There was a small path trailing to a hole that emitted a strange yellow light that Zahara found peculiar but not incredibly interesting.

Zahara turned to Xenia, “This is amazing! There are so many worlds and there all so different.”
“There are more farther down the cavern but this is where your world is, follow me.”
Zahara walked next to Xenia with her hand on her side as she stepped towards the world with the waterfall running down the cliff face, “This is your world.”
“My world? Wow, it's so beautiful, are my family there?”
“Yes, they are on the other side. They will be truly overjoyed when they see you again after all these years.”
“But I don't remember the language of this world. How will I be able to understand them?”
“You know the language deep inside you somewhere, it will resurface just as your dragon riding skills have done.
Zahara nodded, reassured by her comforting words. A new spark of confidence flared within her, “I'm ready.”
As she walked through the gateway with Xenia at her side she knew, that this was where she truly belonged.
Last edited by TaylaChase on Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:05 am, edited 13 times in total.
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Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:01 am
WhiteTiger93 says...



Okay, this is a really interesting peice, but it kind of reminded me of Eragon at some parts. ^^ Not sure if you've read it or not, but I was only saying. (:

Anyway, off to the critique. While this may be interesting it all moved way to fast for me. One moment she was staring at the the wild dragons that stayed away from humans and the next, she was riding one. Draw it out some. Or make them in parts.

Next, your dialouge needs some work. For example, this part sounded off and a little wierd.

“I'm sorry, dear” she said in a craggy voice, “but why are you sneaking around at night?”
“I'm going on a journey. Don't try to stop me, I don't belong here.” Zahara said solemnly.
“I always knew this day would come.” the old hag sighed, “You have a free spirit Zahara, it doesn't
belong caged in this dusty little town. I won't stop you. But before you go I need to tell you something.
Why don't you come in?” Gwyneth open the door and Zahara stepped inside. Gwyneth followed and
closed the door behind her, she turned around to face Zahara, “Eleven years ago I found a girl. I was
out in the meadow gathering herbs and plants for healing and I found her just beyond the meadow. She was sleeping. She wore strange clothes and when she awoke she spoke a foreign language. It wasn't like anything I'd ever heard. I took her to the village and no one else had ever heard anything like it.
Her clothes were alien to us as well. I convinced the Innkeepers to take her in and raise her. Slowly she began to speak our language and we decided to keep this knowledge from her. She was raised as one of us but we could all tell she was different. She didn't belong here and one day she would decide to leave.
Zahara, that girl is you.”


This moves way too fast. I feel like you rushed the dialouge and Zahara shouldn't have just went along with it all.

Which brings me to my next point. It feels like Zahara dosen't have a single thought. All I hear is 'Wow, so amazing. I'm from another world.' It shocks her, right? She excited and possible a little scared, correct? Well put some of that feeling in there.

Overall: This has potential, but it also needs work. This would be a story I would read. You need to really flesh out your character. Both the dragon and Zahara. I fell nothing towards them. You say she has a free spirit, but she just kind of goes with the flow. Also, a bit of description never hurt anyone. You did a decent job describing the dragons, but descirbe the old woman, or Zahara's surroundings. That old woman was the one who found Zahara, certainly she needs more description.

Hope I helped. (: PM me if you have any questions.

~Nicole
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

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Tue Jul 14, 2009 9:53 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Tayla, welcome to YWS! Wow, you got your entry in quickly...

So you can call me Stella, and I'm also entering Rosey's contest, but because I'm a freak, I'm critiquing everybody else's entries...

I. NITPICKS

it's huge leathery wings taking graceful,


its. Remember, he's she's it's, but his her its.

The blond hair of the entire family was a constant reminder that she didn't belong.


This is a bit weirdly worded.

Gwyneth open the door and Zahara stepped inside.


opened.

She couldn't see it's color against the sun, but was still amazed.


It circled away from the sun and she saw it's dazzling silver scales.


beating it's wings more rapidly to keep in flight.


its in all instances.

Okay...

II. PUNCTUATION

Okay, so you really need to learn that it's/its rule... also, your dialogue punctuation...

Demeter is much better than explaining it than me, so here's her article on the subject...

III. PARAGRAPHS

A paragraph is needed whenever a new theme or idea is brought into your writing.

Your paragraphs here are really long, and I want you to try and break them up. Look for places to split them within the paragraphs you already have. A block of text is difficult to read, especially on a screen. The more you split them up, the easier it'll be.

IV. AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN

Your story has very much a "and then this happened and then that happened" feel to it. This means that it's lacking emotion.

I got no sense that Zahara made the huge decision to leave home, all that happened was she packed her bag. How does she feel about the family she's leaving? And her surprise when Gwyneth stops her? What about finding out the truth about herself? About seeing a dragon?

Personally, I think there's a huge amount going on here in not enough space. Which I know is difficult to remedy. But maybe try and get us into Zahara's head, show us how she feels, don't just tell us what's happening, because it begins to get too "and then..."

V. OVERALL

It wasn't bad- I'd like to see more character development and depth though.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Tue Jul 14, 2009 11:46 pm
irishfire says...



That was very interesting! I really liked the discription but the dialog is going a little too fast. Slow it down, and maybe add some more. My opinion.

Keep it up! :)
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

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Wed Jul 15, 2009 8:10 pm
TaylaChase says...



Hi, Thank you for reviewing my short story everyone!

I've revised it hopefully to correct what you found wrong.

Thanks again, I hope it's better!


~Tayla
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Thu Jul 16, 2009 6:34 am
Tatra says...



Hello! Since you asked for a review, here I am! I'm amazed that you decided to post at my thread, but I'm glad that you did. Your story is very interesting and I think it fits the parameters of the contest very well. You can definitely see how the picture inspired you, but you definitely added your own twist to it.

First off, the formatting of this story is a bit distracting. For starters, something went wrong and there are 17 spaces where the words skip down to a new line in the middle of a sentence. It makes it a bit awkward to read. The other things is something another reviewer has pointed out: the paragraphs are a bit long and that makes it hard to focus on them. You have so much going on within these long paragraphs that all of your marvelous descriptions get lost within them. :D

And I also do have to agree that the character does seem to be a bit stilted and us readers have a hard time connecting to her. It's hard to feel for her when we have no idea what's going on in her head or the backstory behind this all.

I think that most of this could be remedy by spending a bit more time within the story. Let the events flow, let your character have time to be in the moment. Let us readers enjoy the story, instead of rushing us from place to place.

Her eyes lit up as she spotted a shape flying through the mist still lingering around the mountains peak.

I'd recommend that you either split the first paragraph up either before or after this one sentence. Because we go from her eagerly awaiting to the dragons actually coming.

This was what she had been waiting for, the untamed beauty of the dragon that excited and thrilled her.

Either you need that 'that' or else you need a semicolon instead of the comma.


She smiled as she watched the power and elegance of the huge creature.

Again, another sentence that could be the end of one paragraph or the start of another.


I do love this first paragraph, which I do want to be split into three paragraphs, but I think that you could add even more detail to this. I mean, connect us to Zahara. What is she thinking while she watches the dragons? What do they remind her of? Why does she like them when none of the other villagers don't? How often does she watch for them? This is also a great place to explain more about the actual presence of dragons; their status in this world and so on. There's a question that you won't want to answer until later in the story, but what is the differences between the dragons in one world and the other? Are they the same, and if so, what is the reason that they are in this world?

She [s]had hoped to[/s] wished that she could stay longer to watch the dragons as they soared through the sky, but she knew her family would be angry if she didn't come back in time to help prepare dinner.

Okay, two things with this. One, I am strongly against the had hoped choice of words, for the simple reason that they really don't fit with the rest of the sentence. See, she isn't hoping to stay so much as wishing to stay. Saying hope means that there is some chance that someone would give her permission to stay, but there clearly isn't any hope that she could stay any longer: she has to get back to her home.

The other thing is really a sort of a nitpicky thing, but does the timeline really match up? Would they really be making dinner after sunset, especially being innkeepers? Though, I suppose this also brings into question of what season it is within this story and what the village is like. Because, medieval villages wouldn't have a stove that would only take an hour to cook dinner. Of course, I have no idea what your world is like, :D

She resentfully climbed down from the tree and took one last look towards the sky before she began her trek back through the forest and towards the small village her family had chose to set up their inn within so many years ago.

Again, a couple of things with this sentence. I really don't like the adverb 'resentfully' here, I think you could show that she was resentful and that you had also pretty much said that she was resentful in the last sentence. Maybe she pouts, frowns, moans, grumbles as she climbs down from the tree. Maybe she slowly climbs down from the tree, or keeps her eye on the dragons the whole time as she feels her way down. And maybe she watches the sky the entire time she walks home.

The second thing is the next underlined spot. This sentence is a bit of a run on sentence and I think that the underlined part is a bit redundant. We know from Zahara's meeting with Gwyneth that Zahara's adoptive parents lived in this village before she took her in, so I really don't feel like a normal person would comment on the fact that her parents set up shop there. Maybe just say that she headed back to her family's inn, instead of the village, since you already mentioned the village part.

These beginning paragraphs are also the time to flesh out Zahara's feelings of the village, give us a glimpse of what Zahara thinks of everything so that we can then see why she chooses to leave so abruptly. Maybe this is what she should be thinking about instead of randomly bringing up the dream. Or, maybe her thoughts on the village bring up her memories of the dragon and so on.



She gloomily made her way through the streets of the village and to [s]the[/s] her family's Inn.

Extra word that doesn't belong. Also, I don't believe that Inn has to be capitalized in this instance.

Everyone was off doing chores at the time and she was the only one in the house.

I really don't like this part. I would expect people to be rushing around to get dinner ready, since Zahara was so worried about getting back, and instead we find an empty house and Zahara has time to do anything. I would think that at this point Zahara would know how long she can stay out before she's missed, and I'm sure that she would have stayed out until she was late many times in her life before this one day. In fact, it might help to show off her character if she's late to starting dinner and is put right to work. Also, why is she creeping when she's the only one in the house? :wink:

A painting of the family lay on its smooth mahogany surface. She scanned the painting, gently smiling. Her sister stood at her mother's side, a few ringlets of her short blond hair fell freely over her shoulder as she clung to her mother.

First, why would Zahara have a painting? I would imagine that paintings are very expensive, or at least enough that everyone wouldn't have a painting. Though, at the same time I could see a large portrait either in the parents' room, or in the main part of the inn. Mainly a nitpicky thought, I do admit, but it did make me stumble.

Secondly, I really don't see why Zahara has left her family. I really can't see it at all. All I can really see for her reasons are incredibly shallow. One, she wants more time to watch the dragons, two she has an odd first memory, and three, it's obvious that she's adopted. But, there's also the fact that, even though she is resentful of her family, i.e. is a typical teenager, she does love them. I give you the second sentence within the quote as evidence. She smiles at the picture, even though no one is watching her.

In the third sentence, it's supposed to be a possessive form of 'mother.' Also, what on earth happened to the mother's husband? He isn't mentioned there, but I kind of felt like he was mentioned in the scene with Gwyneth, so I'm curious.

The sun had sank beneath the horizon and the dragons were gone with it.

MS Word says that the underlined word is supposed to be 'sunk.'

Inside she longed to answer it, somehow she felt that was where she belonged.

Wrong spelling used there.

She knew it would be hard leaving all her childhood memories behind, but this wasn't the life for her, she was empty here.

Plural instead of possessive.

She grabbed a rucksack with pain filled eyes and stuffed some clothes and a few other things in it.

I really don't like the use of 'pain filled eyes' in this sentence. I mean, when scanning it almost reads as if she was grabbing a pack filled with painful eyes. Makes it sound as though they were souvenirs from killing people. (Funny thing, 'Getting Away with Murder' by Papa Roach was playing on the radio while I wrote this and I didn't notice, :D ) Stop telling us how she feels and show us. Are tears streaming down her face, filling her eyes and blurring things as she tries to pack? Does she just blindly grab things as she packs?

I've mentioned that I don't like her sudden leaving before, so I won't really go through it, but I will say just one thing. I would love to see her family, but maybe what you want to do is cut out the whole village scene. Maybe instead of going back to the village, she feels the calling out in the woods and she makes her way to the dragons in the sky. Maybe she looses track of time and slips out of the tree to go after the dragons that come much loser to the village than they've had before. Then, once she's moving, she finds that she can't stop and she's heading away from the village. You could even keep the scene with Gwyneth, though I still can't see how the Zahara you've shown within this story would willingly leave her family, but that's up to you.

But, there could be a mysterious meeting in the woods with the old lady Gwyneth, who found Zahara when she was young, and Gwyneth could explain everything. Zahara could connect it to her mysterious feelings and decide to go after it all.

Back to the actual story, :wink:

Love,
Zahara

This should be italicized like the rest of the letter.

A pale brown cloak lay over the figure's hunched shoulders, the ratty ends sweeping over the cobblestones as the contour shambled into the pale moonlight, revealing her face from the shadows.

This whole sentence is a bit confusing. Either put 'the figure' there or else 'her' shoulders, but it needs something to let us know who you are talking about. And then I don't think 'contour' is the right word at all, given that you've already revealed that the shape is a figure. If you had been talking about a shadow along the wall that stood out, but didn't have a diffinitive shape, then contour would have worked, but I think 'person' works just as well as 'contour.' Though, you could use 'shadow' instead of contour and then delete the 'from the shadows.'

I would like to remind you at this point of the rule: new paragraphs for new speakers. That is all.

Gwyneth opened the door and Zahara stepped inside.

Past tense. Also, the dialogue really is kind of stilted and rushed. Take your time with writing these things, speak the words aloud if you have to. Also, delve into Zahara's mind: what is she thinking while all of this is happening?

“Wait a minute, you're not saying that the girl was me, are you?

Small grammar things. I also don't really like the sentence that comes after her dialogue, I think it's cause you have to mention that she was trying and just not succeeding in convincing herself.

Also, what is up with Zahara's memories? I mean, if she remembers the dragon then why doesn't she remember learning this new language?

She didn't belong here and one day she would decide to leave. Zahara, that girl is you.

Also, this is horribly cruel of Gwyneth here. Telling the girl that she doesn't belong, even though she obviously has a loving family? It's obvious from the painting that her mother loves her. Plus, if Zahara was young enough that she couldn't remember learning the new language, then why would she feel like she didn't belong? I mean, hair color is the least of not belonging, plenty of people look different from their parents and still belong.

In a way she didn't want it to be true, but at the same time it all made everything make sense, she was different from them, she didn't belong here but she was going to where she really belonged.

This sentence is a major run on as well as a major 'What the?' I don't understand this whole 'not belonging' thing, to be honest. Belonging is all in a person's mind, if you believe that you belong then you do. And how is she different than everyone else? The only thing that I can see from what Gwyneth said and what we've seen in the story was that she once wore strange clothes and spoke another language and that she really likes dragons while the other villagers don't. Still, even the dragon thing is no big deal, because people can like odd things like that, children especially. Also, how on earth does she know that she's going to where she really belonged? I mean, she feels this strange calling, but she still hasn't connected to the dragon to know that the dragon is there to take her back to her home world. It's just a bit rushed, so we really don't get the backing behind the whole thing.

“She's finally free...”

Free from what, chores? Very confusing sentence.

Stopping and considering the distance to the mountain, she figured about a day's walk would get her to the mountain by sunrise.

Possessive and, does this mean that she just has to walk the night, or does this mean that she's walking over twenty four hours, or just what is the timespan here? I think what's confusing me is that she's now traveling at night, but then you made a reference to day. :)

“Why are you affiliating with me?”

The language and word choices that you use when Zahara and the dragon are speaking are a bit too formal for my tastes. I mean, Zahara hasn't used this kind of language before and suddenly she's asking why the dragon is affiliating with her? Plus, affiliate isn't really the kind of word you use when you first come in contact with some one. But, the formal dialogue really seems weird in this part.

In the world you come from there are beings filled with magic, like me, and humans are born with the same powers of these different creatures.

Missing word. Also, really needed a comma or else you were saying that the dragon was human, you could also use an 'and.'

You can travel worlds although you do not know how to use these powers.

Missing K. Also, these dragons are a bit odd. I would have expected that these dragons have known her from the other world, and yet it just seems like they like her because they have similar magic.

Also, why isn't Zahara asking more questions? Instead of focusing on her sudden change, shouldn't she be questioning the dragon about her mother and about everything new to her?

Why on earth did it take the dragon that long to find her? Zahara didn't go very far? And why did Zahara have to be taken from her home because of the war?

Now that you have finally come, it is time to return you to your own world.

I can't help but wonder why everyone is so insistent that Zahara return to her own world, And I can't help but think that it would be interesting if Zahara refused to go, :wink:

“You have ridden before without doubt. Do you not trust you can do it again?”

Dragons are quite weird, it doesn't seem to realize how long 11 years is and how much our bodies change in that amount of time...

“You're too tall for me to get on.

Wrong word and missing punctuation.

She slowly put her leg over one side and slid into a sitting position on the dragon's [s]her[/s] back, the silver scales were smooth and looked polished.

I'm assuming that it's the dragon's back and not that Zahara is lying on her back.

Zahara looked back at her then slowly climbed into the boat waiting at the river's edge.

Possessive. Also, why can't the dragon fly her through the cave? And how did Zahara get out of her world if a boat is the only way to get her through the cave? And, yes, I do realize that this came from the challenge, but I do think that this could be an interesting story away from the challenge.

There are so many worlds and they're all so different.

Wrong spelling there.

“My world? Wow, it's so beautiful, [s]are[/s] is my family there?”

Also, why is she so calm about this all? And where is the impact of her being gone for so long? What about the war?


All in all, I think it's a bit rushed. There's so much more you could bring to it, so many more details that it could use. I think it's a beautiful story and I really, really love the theme of finding a place to belong, but you never really show exactly why she has to belong. In fact, I think it would be more interesting if she didn't want to leave her adoptive family. But, if you do want her to leave, I think there has to be a stronger reason for her to leave safety and security for vague hope.

Good luck with the contest and feel free to pm me if you have any questions! :D

- Tatra
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

- Incubus
  





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Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:58 pm
Twit says...



Oe io. :)

To be honest, I didn't like this that much. It was too fantasy-y for my liking -- dragons, weird names, inns, magic. It's been done so many times before and you didn't offer anything astoundingly fresh and original.

And things like:

She loved her family dearly but she knew she didn't belong. Not that they would ever admit it though, she thought to herself...

“I always knew this day would come.” the old hag sighed, “You have a free spirit Zahara, it doesn't belong caged in this dusty little town. I won't stop you. But before you go I need to tell you something. Won't you come in?” Gwyneth open the door and Zahara stepped inside. Gwyneth followed and closed the door behind her, she turned around to face Zahara, “Eleven years ago I found a girl. I was out in the meadow gathering herbs and plants for healing and I found her just beyond the meadow. She was sleeping. She wore strange clothes and when she woke up she spoke a foreign language. It wasn't like anything I had ever heard. I took her to the village and no one else had ever heard anything like it. Her clothes were alien to us as well. I convinced the Innkeepers to take her in and raise her.”


*yawn* Oh, I'm sorry, were you describing her mysterious past? Heard it all before, bub. Let me count the ways. Star Wars, Eragon, Willow, The Dark Crystal, Breakfast on Pluto.


And things like:

Suddenly it spoke, “Zahara, do not be frightened. I have searched this world over for you, desperately calling, hoping that you would hear me. You have finally come.” ...

Zahara stood there, overwhelmed by all the things that had happened in such a short time. Twenty- four hours ago she had been just a normal teenage girl, now she was a girl from a different world that dragons didn't mind associating with. She was overcome with questions and feelings, it was all so confusing! She took a deep breath and calmed herself enough to clear her mind and ask, “How did I get to this world?”


Mary Sue. Maybe she isn't, but all that -- the powers, the past, the dragons, the magic, the otherworldliness all make me think of Mary Sues.

~

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. It's only to help and everything. :) PM me if you have any questions!
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





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Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:51 pm
Searria H. says...



Most of what can be said has been said, but I will do my best.

Yes, some parts were a little cliche, but there are only about 27 existing plots in the world, so there technically isn't any such thing as "originality." Still, it was a nice piece. Short stories are hard. I think you tried to fit too much into a small space. I realize this was for a contest, but I would like to see it expand into something longer with more depth, character developement, and reader involvement.

I'm sorry if I repeat anything that a previous member has said, but I'll try not to. I do agree with everything that Tatra said, though.


First of all, you need to fix the middle-of-sentence paragraph changes, because that really confused me.

I say this a lot, but most of your sentence structures were the same. Try not to start so many sentences with the simple subject. It gets really repetitive, and it makes your use of pronouns more noticeable.

Zahara glanced down at the tops of the redwood trees from her perch on a tree limb.

Either those are the smallest redwoods I've ever seen, or she's in a really, really, tall tree. I would be more convinced if she was low enough to look at the trunks, or low branches of the other trees. Also, redwoods usually have pretty high first branches, so it would be kind of hard for her to climb one, unless I'm confusing it with another kind of tree. :?

The wind steadily whipped at her face, tugging at her hair and clothes. She brushed strands of her black hair out of her face as she eagerly watched the faraway mountains, waiting for something to appear.

I don't care for this passage. It doesn't flow well for me. I feel like I'm getting sort of the same info. in all three sentences, so I would combine them. EX: "Steadily, the wind whipped at her, determined not to let her brush the stray black strands of hair away from her face as she eagerly waited for something to appear in the faraway mountains." It may be a long sentence, but you get the point. YOu can mess with it.

She gloomily made her way through the streets of the village and to the her family's Inn. She stepped inside to a room void of life. Everyone was off doing chores at the time and she was the only
one in the house.

I need more activity here. We have no sense of her lifestyle at this point, and therefore can't relate to her.
(I apologize in advance for any typos beyond this point, as I can't see what I'm typing.)


Her sister stood at her mothers side, a few ringlets of her short blond hair fell freely over her shoulder as she clung to her mother. Her mother was
standing

"stand" is such a simple verb. It's alright once in a while, but you have it twoice in two sentences. I would keep the first sentence, but say: "Her mother had an arm around each of the girls" or something like that. You also make it seem like Zahara is off by herself in the picture, but she must be close enough that her mother can hold her.

The scene with Gwenyth is too choppy for me. It's also rather info-dumpy. Make the woman more mysterious,. Maybe the dragon gave the child to her? There are all sorts of things you could do with that character, but she just seems a little flat. Perhaps she is also from the other world, but she chose to stay. Who KNows?

Also, I've notice that you use the word"belong" waaaay too much. You don't have to keep mentioning it, even though it is the theme. :D

She kept running, the wind in her hair, the cool of the night, the moon, bright in the sky.

I don't think you need the comma between "moon" and "bright"

Stopping and considering the distance to the mountain, she figured about a days

day's


Weary from travel she closed her eyes. She began to lose consciousness and slipped into a slumber of dreams.

The sound of wing beats pulled Zahara from her dreams.

First, I don't really like "slumber of dreams." It just seems a little awkward, or forced. And you use dreams in the very next sentence. Perhaps: "...slipped into a her subconcious dreams. The sound of wing beats pulled Zahara from her sleep." I know that sounds a little dumb, so you can do whatever you chose. :D


Something blocked the sun and a shadow fell across her, she looked up and saw a dragon, closer than she had ever seen one.

You have just passed a sign that reads: "Welcome to run-on land!" :wink: I would say: "Suddenly, a shadow fell across her and she looked up to see a dragon, the closest she had ever been to one." Something like that.

“Oh great, I fell asleep!” Zahara said frustrated at herself.

"at" should be "with"


She stared, awe-struck; they were even more magnificent close up.


It circled away from the sun and she saw its dazzling silver scales. The strikingly beautiful scales were nothing like anything she had ever seen before.

Once again, one point, but two sentences.

She stood quickly and backed away a little.

She needs to be more frantic. Imean, a dragon is about to land on her head! I would say: "She scrambled to her feet and backed away." *shrug* Whatever you feel.

neatly folded its thick leathery wings, and looked straight at her. The two stood in silence for a while. Zahara studied the creature with amazement, it had intense sapphire eyes that seemed to stare right through her.

condense, please. I might say: "...and looked straight at her through intense sapphire eyes that seemed..."

Suddenly it spoke, “Zahara, do not be frightened. I have searched this world over for you, desperately calling, hoping that you would hear me. You have finally come.”

I think it would help the flow to stick the dragon's name in here. Maybe, "Zahara, do not be frightened. I am XZenia, and I have searched..." Also, I think this dragon needs more personality. It doesn't seem that exited to have found her.

We see it as our duty to look after you so I, [s]Xenia,[/s] being your magic source, took it upon me to protect you.




She
slowly put her leg over one side and slid into a sitting position on her back, the silver scales were smooth and looked polished.

I don't get this. So the dragon suddenly wasn't too tall just because she lowered her wing? Please explain. You tel us that her scales are smooth, shiny, and silver far too often. You don't need to do so.

She held on tight no longer worrying about how to stay on and relished every moment.

comma between tight and no

She let out a calm laugh having the time of her life.

comma between "laugh" and "having"

It began to be cold and a thin fog started to spread until Zahara could hardly see her hands, a thick mist now enveloped them.

This does not flow at all for me. I would say: "A cold, thin fog started to spread until they were enveloped in a heavy mist and Zahara could hardly see her hands."


the river gently tugging at it, persuading it to follow its course.

I don't think that "persuading" is the right term here. Usually, when you are persuaded, you do whatever it is that someone wants you to do. I think "tempting" or "begging" would be better suited for your context.

“You can use the boat and I will swim behind you”

Why can't she just stay on the dragon's back. Obviously the dragon isn't going to be submerged in water. Unless Zhara had to be in the boat for the contest.

“Oh” Zahara said trying to understand it all.

This is just me, but I think it would be more comic to use "pretending" instead of "trying" here. That's purely my opinion.

She noticed several different egresses in the cave wall, behind each a different world. The one to her left was at the end of a short tunnel, the sides of purple stone dripping with water from the moisture in the air. At the end was a snow laden world, a snow covered pine and a tree she didn't recognize stripped of all its leaves. She could see orange light flickering on the walls of a small barred hole directly beneath the first. To the right of the orange furnace was a beach, the sun was setting and
the waves were placidly sweeping up and down the shore. Clouds drifted by over the oranges and pinks of a sunset. She gazed in wonder at the portal above it. Stars were smudged over an endless sea of deep blue, gleaming like the little balls of fire that they were. She could see a barren white planet, behind it a
blue planet with patches of green spread over the small round orb. The one after that was orange with a deep orange band surrounding it.

This was a little much for me. To be honest, I got a little bored reading it, as it's all the same. Just as I can truly start picturing one world, you start describing another. Perhaps you could pick one that particularlly interests Zaraha, and you can describe it in more detail, instead of describing them all.

Zahara squinted [s]her eyes[/s] and looked closer as she thought she saw a figure amidst the trees, but couldn't be sure.



yellow light that Zahara found peculiar but wasn't too interested in.

I know that several will argue with me when I say: "NEVER end a sentence with a preposition!" It just isn't right to me. I would say: "...peculiar but not incredibly interesting."




Zahara walked next to Xenia with her hand on her smooth glistening silver scales

replace "smooth glistening, silver scales with something simple like "side." :)

“But I don't remember the language of this world, how will I be able to understand them.”

Welcome back to run-on land! Perhaps and exlamation point(or a period) after "world" and a question mark after "them?"


“You know the language deep inside you somewhere, it will resurface just as your dragon riding skills have done."

I didn't feel this earlier on in the story. When she rides her, show how her skills come back.

Overall, this has a lot of potential. Yes, it reminded me of Eragon in places, but that book is a total cliche too, and it went far, so... anyway. Back to you. I agree that you need to work on showing us emotion, as you are doing a lot of telling at the moment. That is something on which everyone can work. I would like to see more individual personalities with the characters. Is Zahara spunky? Is the older woman eccentric? Is the dragon like a playful puppy? or a wise guardian? Have fun with this! Expand it if you like. Make it into a mini-novel( if there's such a thing.)

Good job! Let me know if you have any questions!

-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

*Ribbit*
  





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Fri Jul 17, 2009 7:33 pm
Angels-Symphony says...



Zahara glanced down at the tops of the redwood trees from her perch on a tree limb. She looked across the sea of green towards the mountains.

This doesn't make sense, Tayla. She's on a tree lim, but she's looking at the tops of trees. You need to be a little more clear. Either she's looking at mountains and the ocean from a tree limb, or she's on a mountain looking at treetops.

Also remember that the hook is a very important part of a story. It's the window the world the writer creates, so it really has to grab the readers' attention. Make it something unique, something that's simple but gives rise to more questions than it answers.

I'll give you a decent example of what a hook should be like:
[spoiler]
The rain crashed against the roof of the hut, threatening to break right through it.
A thing made only of dried palm leaves and bamboo, it was built for mild weather. Inside, little Emma hid in the shadows of the corner, closing her eyes in attempt to fade from reality. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked, humming the song her grandmother used to sing. [/spoiler]

As you can see, the first sentence tells the readers that there's some sort of storm going on and it's raining down on a hut, making them wonder why this hut is so important. It immediately puts an image in their minds, right smack in the middle of the story. The first sentence of your story should be where anything revelant to the plot begins.

The wind [s]steadily[/s] whipped at her face, tugging at her hair and clothes.

-Steadily is a bit redundant here. When wind blows, natural wind, it tends to be steady and in one direction.

Also, whipping and tugging are two different types of wind speeds. "Tugging" wouldn't exactly describe wind. Wind doesn't pull it pushes. Need to change the word here.


She brushed strands of her black hair out of her face as she eagerly watched the faraway mountains, [s]waiting for something to appear[/s].

That part is redundant and tell-y. If Zahara is looking over the mountaintops eagerly, it's already implied she's waiting for something. You don't need to repeat yourself ^^

Also, a little rewording:
"She brushed a strand of her dark hair out of her face as she eagerly watched the mountains."




Her eyes lit up as she spotted a shape flying through the mist still lingering around the mountains peak.

This is wordy. At first I thought you meant the shape was flying through the mist and lingering around the mountain's peak.

You need to fix your punctuation and remove a few things:
"Her eyes lit up as she spotted a shape flying through the mist of the mountain's peak."

By using "of" it's more cleaar that the mist is on the mountain.

The silhouette grew bigger and began to take form.

"Bigger" is a baby word. Perhaps change it to:
"The silhouette grew larger in size and began to take form."
It's more exciting and still keeps that professional tone.


She could see its [s]huge[/s] leathery wings taking graceful, effortless, strokes [s]which carried the huge object through the sky.[/s]

We'll leave it at this: anything crossed out is redundant.
You already said it was big and it's already implied that wings are what makes something fly.
Maybe change the ending to "as it soared through the sky" or "as it sailed through the air"





Thank you so much for all the efforts you've put forth for me over the years and for raising me with love and tender care. I know it's not right of me to just leave after all you've done for me but I must go. I can't be satisfied living out my days with this life, there's something more for me. I hope you understand. Please don't worry about me, I may never come back.
Love,
Zahara

This letter doesn't make sense. Zahara supposedly loves her parents, yes? Well her emotion needs to bleed through, especially if she may never come back ;) You don't say "thank you so much for all the effort you've put into raising me" to your parents. Where's the usual "I Love you". And what's with the "I may never come back" drama? You don't say that to your parents if you're not either a) angry or b) running away.
---------

I'll stop here.

Plot & Conflict: I really don't see anything unique about this plot and it seems awfully cliche. Girl who likes dragons and thinks there's something amazing out there for her, she leaves her parents, she goes to the dragon, and it doesn't really seam real. Why is she leaving? Don't just say because she wants a better life. Seriously, you need to include the why factor in fantasy if you don't want it to be cliche. What is the conflict? She's leaving home, dragons, I didn't see anyone getting hurt when I skimmed through the rest. You need a heavier conflict.

Dialogue: Your dialogue doesn't really fit your characters. Observe how people today speak, or watch a movie like LotR or Eragon to see how they talk.

Description: Tayla, you have some lovely descriptions in your sentences, but you're overdoing it in most cases. You don't need to jam-pack a sentence with adjectives. That's not imagery. Include the five senses and show and not tell.

Telling: The boy played his red stratocaster guitar real awesome.

Showing: The boy held his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers across the silver strings.

You also need to start using some commas and fix Zahara's grammar.

Goold Luck ^^ PM me if you have any questions.
-Shina
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Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:19 pm
TaylaChase says...



Thanks you everyone for reviewing my story! You've been lots of help! I revised my story again and hopefully it's a bit better than before! Thanks again!

~Tayla
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Anonymous

I am the author of my life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes. . .
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Sun Jul 19, 2009 6:12 pm
TNOandXadric says...



Well, it's interesting. The dialogue was a bit stiff and awkward in places, and the characters could definitely use some fleshing out. There wasn't much of an emotional connection with Zahara, she was just kind of... there.
Your punctuation could also use some work, particularly your possessive nouns (for example Zaharas needs to be Zahara's with an apostrophe).

Since no one was around she silently went into her room and stopped to observe. Her bed was tucked into a corner of the room. At the foot of the bed was a window with a chest to the other side of it. She walked to the chest resting by the window. A painting of the family lay on its smooth mahogany surface. She scanned the painting, gently smiling. Her sister stood at her mothers side, a few ringlets of her short blond hair fell freely over her shoulder as she clung to her mother. Her mother had her arms around both girls, one on each side. She had a pleasant smile that complimented her golden shoulder length hair. Then there was Zahara, her lean figure slightly away from the others. She had a calm peaceful smile and her long black hair neatly framed her pale face and went on to fall over her slim shoulders. She loved her family dearly but she knew she didn't belong. Not that they would ever admit it though, she thought to herself.

This was a bit choppy as far as sentence flow. There weren't really any longer complex sentences, so it sort of read like one of those "Spot is a dog. Spot likes to run. See Spot run." sort of things (though yours was much more interesting). Maybe combine a few of the sentences so it'll flow better.
“I'm sorry to have surprised you like that, Zahara.” the slight frame hobbled closer to
Zahara, “Gwyneth! Don't surprise me like that!” she said shakily...

The whole "surprised you/me like that" thing didn't need to be repeated, and it comes off awkward and contrived. I'd change Zahara's response.

Overall, I liked it, though it did remind me vaguely of Eragon at some points. It could definitely use some editing, however.
  





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Sun Jul 19, 2009 9:29 pm
Rydia says...



Heya! So this is the edited version which means I'm not going to read the previous reviews and if I repeat what has been said before it will just tell you that there's an area to take another look at :)

Zahara glanced through the limbs of the redwood trees from her perch on a neighboring tree limb. [This is more a pet peeve than anything but I prefer to see an opening that doesn't start with the character's name as the first word. I like dramatic or descriptive first sentences, something that's going to pull the reader in.] She looked across the sea of trees towards the mountains. The wind whipped at her face, pushing at her hair and clothes. She brushed strands of her black hair out of her face as she eagerly watched the faraway mountains.
[I don't like the repetition of hair there, I'd suggest you have '...at her face, pushing at her clothes and hair. She brushed black strands away from her face as she...' and the black can go in either sentence. Also, you could maybe add a little more description to show us that she's watching eagerly.]

Her eyes lit up as she spotted a shape flying through the lingering mist of the mountain's [You don't actually need the s at all. Mountain peak works too.] peak. [Lit up isn't always the best description. Do eyes actually do that? I don't know about you but I've never seen this inner glow appear in people's eyes. A good writer is always that bit more original and tries hard to make scenes easy to imagine so what really happens to a person's eyes when they're excited? Usually they widen or stretch though you can be a little more imaginative than that XD] The silhouette grew larger and began to take form. She could see its leathery wings taking graceful, effortless, strokes as it sailed through the air. Its tail swept behind it slicing through the wind and creating an astounding image.
[An astounding image doesn't mean anything to a reader, not really. Showing us something or describing something is always much more effective than telling us and you certainly don't need to do both. From your description we can gage what sort of sight it is.]

This was what she had been waiting for, the untamed beauty of the dragon excited and thrilled her.
[This is a good example of telling rather than showing. There shouldn't be a need to tell us that she finds dragons exciting. She's sat out on a tree branch waiting just for them, to watch them fly. That's showing and the reader can build their idea of the character from that.]

She wished she could stay longer to watch the dragons, but she knew her family would be angry if she didn't come back in time to help finish up the day's chores. She climbed down from the tree and took one last look towards the sky before she began her trek back through the forest and towards the small village which held her family's small inn.
[I'd much rather have the suspense of wondering why she's deciding to go home. Maybe she sits there a while and then sees how low the sun has got and quickly hurries away, a measure of fright mixed in with her feelings. Then the reader will wonder why she doesn't stay longer and the anger will have a greater impact if seen first hand instead of you warning us about it.]

She silently made her way through the quiet forest with redwoods towering above her. The fallen needles from the pines lay dry and dead, scattered about the forest floor. They crunched underfoot as she passed through the darkening forest. The last rays of sunlight peered through the branches of the trees, mottling the barren ground of the woodland.
[Lovely description but uh... she's silently making her way through the forest to the crunch of twigs? That's a contraditction!]

She made her way through the thickets of brush to the dusty road and trudged along it unhurriedly, [Wait... so she's not hurrying? Then why didn't she stay with the dragons longer if she loves them so much? Just something you might want to think about.] thinking of her uncanny attraction to the most feared animal in the whole world. They were also her first memory. She couldn't explain it but she couldn't deny it. When she had been very young, she remembered riding on the back of a beautiful silver dragon. She recalled the feeling she'd had of being so high and free. Was it a dream? Or was it reality? Zahara pushed her muddled thoughts out of her mind as the road curved and the village came into view. A few trails of smoke rose from the village and into the sky.


She gloomily made her way through the streets of the village and to the her family's Inn. She stepped inside to a room void of life. Everyone was off doing chores at the time and she was the only one in the house. She crept through the main room and to the back where they kept the food storage. The family bedrooms were also through the back, along with the backdoor.
[The sun is going down and yet no one is in the inn? That's always the time when you get the most people looking for rooms for the night! And your drinkers if there's a bar. Always aim for realism in fantasy. It's the real details that make the magic more believable.]

Since no one was around she silently went into her room and stopped to observe. Her bed was tucked into a corner of the room, at the foot of the it was a window with a chest to the other side of it. She walked to the chest resting by the window. A painting of the family lay on its smooth mahogany surface.
[More of the silently. Say she sneaked sure but a young girl does not move silently. Not unless she's lived a very extraordinary life and I see little sign of any military or gurilla warfare background.]

Inside, a small, shriveled woman was tending to a basket of herbs. She jumped slightly as Zahara flung open the door. She turned quickly to face the intruder, “Zahara! What happened?!” she said as she noticed Zahara holding her side. The woman scrambled over to stand by a tall stool, “Come and sit, quickly.” Zahara stumbled to the chair and sat, her face twisted in a mask of pain. She removed the now blood soaked shirt to show the woman, “I don't know how it got there, I was fine until just a
bit ago” she said, grinding her teeth. The aged woman went quickly to her shelves and got down a jar. Opening the lid she lifted Zahara's shirt to reveal the wound. She scooped some of the salve from the jar and spread it gently over Zahara's side. The bleeding subsided and Zahara relaxed a bit to [s]watched[/s] watch the healer take some wrappings from a cupboard and dip them into a greenish liquid. She wrung them out and brought them to the stool Zahara was sitting on. Gently wrapping them around Zahara's stomach until the wound was completely covered. She finished off with a knot and lowered Zahara's shirt, “That should help for now, but it won't be able to heal your wound.”
“Zahara's eyebrows shot up, “Why not?!? You always manage to heal wounds, Gwyneth.”


Fantasy vs Reality

Okay so I'm stopping part way through so that I don't forget to put this at the end and it needs to be said. Wounds appearing out of nowhere? That's bad fantasy. I'm not saying don't have the wound appear but you need to show it more realistically. If that happened to me I wouldn't dart off to the healer. I'd stare at it some, I'd panic and try to think when I did it. I'd try to stop the bleeding myself, I wouldn't want to tell someone and sound crazy so I'd make up a story as to how I hurt myself. Do you see? And the way she reacts will tell us more of her character. If she very naively goes ahead and tells the healder what happened in the end we may see that she's an honest and naive girl.

Also the healer should show more signs that she has expected this to happen and Zahara should be more curious as to what she means by her wound. Surely as far as Zahara is concerned her wound has just been healed and didn't exist beyond a few minutes ago but the healer treats it as if this is something that has been happening to Zahara for ages and that it's just got worse, not that it has just started. Maybe for the sake of being realistic, have this wound be one that keeps re-opening and one that Zahara is used to but has not yet been told anything about. Then you could show fear and such.

There's also this whole 'you're not really one of us and I'm just going to blurt it out thing'. You need more of a build up or to have her say it without meaning to like Hagrid always does in Harry Potter. If she's not that sort of woman she should stall a little at least. Also, Zahara believes her much too easily. You have her pretend not to but tell us that she believes her? Feeling like you don't belong is one thing but being told you're someone else's child? No. Just no. I've felt like I didn't belong a lot when I was older but I'd have never been willing to believe that I wasn't my parent's child. Children like stability. They might think they like the idea of adventure and being alien (okay so some might but you need to set them up as that sort if this is the case) but generally being safe and normal is what children want.

Basically you need to be more realistic when it comes to introducing fantasy ideas. You need to make such things seem natural and right.

Okay one more thing and then I'll move on, honest XD If the healer knows so much about this other world and taking Zahara back there, why wasn't it done straight away? And if she doesn't know anything why is she acting like she does? She's treating this much too casually and currently doesn't feel at all like a real person to me.

She looked around her room once more, taking a last look at all she would be leaving behind. She grabbed a rucksack from her chest as tears began spilling off her cheeks. She stuffed some clothes and a few other things into her sack. A pad of paper lay in her[s] in her[/s] [I have ignored typos along the way so you'll need to proof-read this too.] drawer from which she took a pencil and started scribbling on the notepad;


Zahara ran through forest a small smile playing on her lips. She had recovered from her shock and felt refreshed. She tried to ignore her aching side as she enjoyed the dark and pushed away her mournful feelings of leaving her family. It felt good to finally know the truth and be leaving the confined little village. She kept running, the wind in her hair, the cool of the night, the moon, bright in the sky. It all felt so relaxing. She soon slowed to a walk and closed her eyes, a smile still painted on
her face. Stopping and considering the distance to the mountain, she figured walking through the night would get her to the mountain by sunrise.
[Just like that she's over it all? Uh... right. This is all happening much too quickly and I think her emotions would be closer to a little skeptical, anger at not having been told, fear of what might happen, sorrow at leaving everything she knows and yes, a little happy and excited but those shouldn't be the over-riding emotions.]

Suddenly, a shadow fell across her and she looked up to see a dragon, the closest she had ever been to one. She stared awe-struck, they were even more magnificent close up. She couldn't see its color against the sun, but was still amazed. It circled away from the sun, its dazzling silver scales were nothing like anything she had ever seen before. The dragon flew in towards Zahara and began to hover, beating its wings more rapidly to keep in flight.
[Okay so she loves dragons and she's fascinated by them but she's spent her whole life being taught to fear them. Now, I love tigers and I think they're beautiful but people have brought me up fearing them and one hasn't hurt me yet but I'd still be at leats a little afraid and wary, even if someone told me that a tiger had appeared before them and told them they were going to take me somewhere. I'd be thinking human sacrifice much?]

Okay I'm done nit picking now and I must say you have some lovely imagery here and it's quite nicely put together if a little rushed and untidy in places. What you need to work on most is your characterization. There isn't enough emotion in this piece and the reader isn't able to grasp who Zahara is. I couldn't say if she's a gutsy girl or someone who's intelligent. I don't really know her enough to put any particular word to her and when I think I might have learned something she suddenly changes again. Maybe you should make a character sheet and start to plan out who Zahara is more. That might help. Just answer random questions about her. Like what did her hobbies used to include? How did she and her sister get along, did they play together much? Was she more a mummy's girl or daddy's girl? Did she have any friends at all in the village? People she looked up to?

I hope this helps a little! Feel free to pm me if you have any questions,

Heather xx
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Mon Jul 20, 2009 3:31 am
Jaime0102 says...



I thought it was really good. Just a few things. (Please mind my spelling)

Zahara glanced through the limbs of the redwood trees from her perch on a neighboring tree limb. She looked across the sea of trees towards the mountains. The wind whipped at her face, pushing at her hair and clothes. She brushed strands of her black hair out of her face as she eagerly watched the faraway mountains.



A little repitative. Try deleting some words.


It swerved and flew away from her becoming smaller.



Maybe this is me being picky but maybe you can refrase it like this "It swerved and flew away, becoming smaller."


She couldn't explain it but she couldn't deny it.



Again me being picky but you could add "also" before "couldn't"


Otherwise this story was great. I love fantasy stuff with dragons and am thinking of writing one of my own; but of course I'm not going to steal your idea. :lol:



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Wed Jul 29, 2009 2:16 pm
DakotaK says...



I'm going to review your piece, I promise:) It's just that I don't have tons of time on my hands to sit down and read a lengthy piece like yours all at once. When I finish it I'll be back! My suggestion, next time you post something long like this, break it up into posts:)
~Later, Dakota
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Wed Jul 29, 2009 5:47 pm
skjold says...



the problem with stories like this is that its all been done before dragons and such
what you need to do is describe more, make the setting and characters different do better with characterization
you described how the main character likes dragons fairly well
  








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