Young Writers Society

comments are apprecieted!It's just something I thought of right now, so it's not complete. I don't really like the begining and I have a lot of spelling mistakes, I'll fix those later. I'm not completely happy with it, but it's just out of bordem so what the hell. enjoy!




Okay, so coming to this place was not my brightest idea, I had to admit to myself as I watched the small dancing pixies circle me, their faces taunting. They were each no bigger than one finger of mine, their pretty, bright dresses caught my eyes immediately in the darkness that surrounded, their little bodies so graceful as they moved.
It was so beautiful. Any mortal being would've traded his life happily just to continue watching this.
Not me.
"Ladies, please," I tried to chuckle, it didn't work so well. They looked a bit smug, seeing how I tried to fight the distant fog in my head that made me want to stay in my place.
My feet felt like lead. It was dark all around me, I couldn't even see the floor. I knew I should've been panicking by then, I knew that if I stayed here I would surely die. But I just couldn't care. I was only vaguely aware as a door opened in the distance, somewhere near my left, I tried to make sense of it, but I couldn't. My head was so full of the pretty dancing lights, and the darkness that circled me.
So the villagers were right about this damn cave being haunted, who knew? I thought as I felt something tug on my arm.
My head felt heavy, like my feet. Staying here would be so nice... just for a few minutes, then I'll definitely go back, the twinkling bright lights would understand, wouldn't they? Another tug, stronger this time. Voices shouting. I was too tired to make out words. I wanted to stay and watch the flickering lights, why did that annoying tug keep coming? Another yell, my eye lids felt heavy now.
The darkness kept coming, it was up to my feet now, I couldn't really feel them as the it climbed up my legs. The flickering bright lights seemed to slowly fade away. I frowned. Where did they go? They should come back! I wasn't finished watching them... My breath felt heavy now too. Maybe I should stop breathing? The thought crossed my mind. No, that would be wrong, I tried to reason with myself, but I suddenly had no reason to back up that claim. I just couldn't remember why it was so wrong that I stop breathing.
Another tug, violent this time. Leave me alone! I wanted to cry, the tug didn't let me think straight! My eye lids slipped shut and I couldn't open them. I felt a faint echo of panic ripple through me, I couldn't open my own eye lids, that was wrong. I couldn't remember why it was so wrong, so I let it falter into shallow breaths.
It felt nice just being stuck to one place like that, not hearing, not seeing, not feeling... all except the angry annoying hisses and tugs, pulling me out of the clouding calmness. Another yell. I forced my eye lids open. It made me sweat with effort. "H-help!" I managed to stutter, the panic in me felt so much clearer once I opened my eyes, everything was so blurry, the fog started disappearing slowly.
The room wasn't dark anymore. The pixies were gone, no more bright lights. I felt absurdly disappointed.
"He's waking up!" came another shout. I gritted my teeth, too annoyed to notice this action should've been extremely hard. "Stop yelling..." I hissed. I stood up straight, the feeling in my feet returning. They weren't heavy anymore. They felt sort of like jelly. I forced my eyes completely open, forced my back straight, and then forced my lips to curve into a grimace. The voices didn't quiet down. They hissed some more, nervous now.
"Okay, I get it, I get it. Now stop yelling!" I managed to put some force inside my voice, so I was shouting.
Silence. For the first time. Finally.
I shook my head; it was still heavy, unlike my feet. When I looked around the cave again, there were five people frozen to their place with their eyes all glued on me.
So I've been dreaming.
Did I yell? I tried to think of a reason for them to look at me that way, but my eyes were still blurry, I couldn't make out exact shapes. The air in the cave felt damp and salty, I didn't feel the salt when the fog took over. I had to think about the dream, I had to remember the lights before they vanished into the darkness like now. I tried to think through the dream while they unfroze gradually, their eyes still on me. I tried to ignore them, the dream seemed so real. The bright lights... The pixies... But where did that door come from? This was a cave. No doors here. I looked at the floor, my brow creasing.
Something was missing. It took me a minute to figure out what it was. I gasped. My shadow was gone. I stared at my feet dumbfounded.
There was one low voice that started echoing a murmured word through the cave, more and more panic added in every time it repeated itself. "Human...! Human!!" the figures hissed and mumbled, from the corner of my eye I could see their figures did look sort of human. It was all so strange, and my head was heavy again. What did they mean by human? What was going on?
I let my eye lids slip shut again, my feet buckled under me.
When I awoke, five hundred years had passed. Here. For the shadow world it was only five minutes. Not nearly enough time to get ready for the first human who ever set foot there.

I really enjoyed this story!! I really do hope you continue, I think you have a good starting point here and there's a funny twist to it all that made me smile I did notice quite a few spelling mistakes as you said, but I'll leave them to you to find and get on with the rest

okay, so coming to this place was not my brightest idea, I had to admit to myself as I watched the small dancing pixies circle me, their faces taunting.

I think you could put the thoughts in italics to separate them from the rest of the writing as it becomes a bit confusing later on

They were no bigger than one finger of mine, their pretty, glowing dresses stuck out from the darkness,

I'd maybe add 'each' after 'They were' and I'm not sure about 'stuck out from the darkness'- I think you could maybe phrase it a bit better. I'd either say 'stuck out in the darkness' or perhaps change 'stuck' to something like 'bright in the darkness'. You could say 'their pretty, vibrant dresses glowing in the darkness' or something similar (perhaps replacing vibrant) so that you can show that they are glowing in the darkness and use another word to describe what they looked like

They looked a bit smug, seeing how I tried to fight staying in that place.

I'm not sure what you mean here, what place? If you mean that he is trying to get away, I'd maybe say 'seeing how I attempted to fight my way out' or something similar as by reading the sentence I got a bit confused about whether he was fighting to stay there or leave.

I knew I should be panicking by now, I knew that if I stay here I would surely die. But I just couldn't care.

As before you were referring to it in the past tense, I'd either switch this to his thoughts so you can change it fully to the present tense or alter it a bit to something like this- 'I knew that I should've been panicking by then, I knew that if I stayed there I would surely die- but I just couldn't care.'

I was only vaguely aware as a door opened in the distence. My head was so full of the pretty dancing lights, and the darkness that circled me.

I'd join these two sentence with something like a dash as the second sentence is kind of an explanation for the first sentence. Instead of distance as that sounds kind of vague and very far away, I'd maybe say something like 'far off to my right' or 'far behind me' or 'in front of me'.

Staying there would be so nice... just for a few minutes, then I'll definetly go back, the twinkling bright lights would understand, wouldn't they?

If this was his thoughts then you could say 'Staying here would be so nice' so its all in the present tense

I wanted to stay and watch the flickering lights, why did that annoying tug kept coming?

'kept' I think should be 'keep'.

The darkness kept coming, it was up to my feet now, I couldn't rally feel them as the darkness climbed up my legs.

I'd change the second 'the darkness' to 'it' as it is already clear what you are talking about and saves repeating it. You have just said 'kept coming' so I'd maybe change this one to something like 'persevered' or 'did not stop'.

My breaths felt heavy now too. Maybe I should stop breathing? the thought crossed my mind.

'breaths' I think should be 'breath'.

tried to reason with myself, but I suddenly had no reason to back up that claim all of a sudden.

I'd leave out the 'all of a sudden' on the end her as you have already said that it is suddenly.

I felt a faint echo of panick ripple through me, I couldn't open my own eye lids, that was wrong. I couldn't remember why, I didn't want to remember why.

I'd maybe add 'it was' after 'I couldn't remember why' to make clear that you are referring to the fact that you could not remember why it was wrong.

It felt nice just being stuck to one place like that, not hearing, not seeing, not feeling... Another yell.

But you can hear You could perhaps add in something about not hearing apart from the annoying interruptions or something like that so that it makes more sense here. I'd maybe say 'this' instead of 'that' and have it as his thoughts so it is in the present tense

I forced my eye lids open. It made me sweat with force. "h-help!" I managed to stutter, the panick in me suddenly cleare.

A moment ago it sounded like you were peaceful so its a bit strange to be all panicky again here, perhaps you could say the panic breaking through the fog of calm or something to show that the calm is suffocating (the impression I got) ? I think that might make more sense than 'clear' here as the panic is back, not gone, or so I thought. I wouldn't have 'force' both times here, perhaps changing the second one to something like 'effort'.

I gritted my teeth, too annoyed to notice this action should've been extrenely hard. "Stop yelling..." I hissed.

I think you need to start the speech on a new line as you had someone else talking in this paragraph previously.

"okay, I get it, I get it. Now stop yelling!" I mnanaged to put some force inside my voice, so I was yelling.

I'd change force here to something else as you have used it quite often, and although I think the repetition worked well I'm not sure about using it here too. Instead of 'inside' 'into' might work better and I'd change one of the 'yelling' so you are not repeating it- maybe 'shouting' or something similar. I didn't think anyone was yelling at this point, so maybe you could have some more speech from the others mentioned after he first hisses at them to show that they ignored him telling them to be quiet.

I shook my head, it was still heavy, unlike my feet. when I looked around the cave again, there were five people frozen to their place with their eyes all glued on me.

Instead of 'to their place', 'in place' might flow easier and I'd maybe change 'heavy' here as you have used it quite a lot.

Something was missing. It took me a minute to figure out what it was. I gasped. My shaddow was missing.

I don't think the repetition of the word 'missing' works here- I'd maybe just have the second one as 'gone' or something similar.

There was one silent utter that started echoing through the cave, more and more panick added in every time it repeated itself. "human...! human!!" the figures hissed and mumbled, from the corner of my eye I could see their figures did look sort of human.

It wouldn't be a 'silent utter' if it was heard Maybe 'hushed whisper' or something like that? I'd change one of the 'figures' so you are not repeating it- maybe 'bodies' or 'silhouettes'.

When I awoke, five hundred centuries passed.

I think you need 'had' before 'passed'.

Overall: I like this beginning! Very interesting and it has certainly got me curious

I did notice a lot of spelling and punctuation mistakes but as you said you would correct them later I left them out I noticed you repeated some words quite a lot- and they worked well at points in being effective (like heavy and forced) but could be used overly much where different words could take their place. When using them in threes they were very effective, but then repeating them again after that I think was a bit much. I'd change a few of them- I have pointed out a couple of times where I think it could be altered and there may be a few more I mentioned as well on the use of both past and present tense, I think it can work well if you use his thoughts as the present tense. To separate them though, I would advise putting the thoughts into italics

This as a beginning is a bit confusing- but I think it works as that is how the main character is experiencing things. I think a bit more description on the cave when he wakes up would be good, I'm sure he would be kind of curious as to what is going on and where he is so maybe more on how he feels and his disorientation would be good. You say that he just tries to ignore the people with him- but why? I would have thought that he would be more shocked by them being there and want to know who they were first before thinking back to his dream. Maybe you could explain more why he wants to remember it to show why he is pushing momentarily aside his present situation it would make more sense.

Overall though, a great start I really hope you write more! All my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want Hope I've helped!

Oh and I love your quote

Well, Pippie was very thorough and pointed out most of the stuff I was going to. There are a few things, though, that I think could use some looking at.

Firstly, what time period is the narrator from? If they are from the past, then how they speak is too modern. If they are from the present day, then you don't have to worry about this. XD

Secondly, you do realize that 500 centuries is equal to 50,000 years? That's a lot of time, and it feels a bit unrealistic, if you catch my drift. Also, how many different realms are involved, and does time flow differently in all of them?

Finally, 50,000 years isn't enough time to prepare for the arrival of a human? Or is the narrator still in the shadow world? Where is "Here"?

Overall, though, not a bad start. :D

Wow! Just wow! This story took some real skill to put together. I love the idea of the time difference between the worlds. So a question, where did his shadow go? Why were the pixies there? How did he get there in the first place? And why were the people surrounding him yelling "Human!"? Are they not human? Just some things to think about!

Overall, this story was very well written! It kept my attention throughout the entire thing! (between you and me, that pretty hard to do. )

Well Keep Writing!!!


-- Jalmoc