Young Writers Society

I wrote this at age nine in the beginning of the fourth grade. I recently took it back out and revised it a little bit. I want to publish it as a picture book, but I don't know if I'll make it.




The Dragon’s Revenge
His silvery eyes gleamed in the light of the flaming tower. Golden spines jutted from the back of his coppery neck and tail. He was not only huge, but powerful as well. He was the biggest dragon I had ever seen, but I wasn’t afraid. That castle was rightfully mine!
The dragon whipped his heavy tail towards me, barely missing my shield. I turned around and ran for my life. He lumbered after me. For the first time in my life, I wished that I had never become a knight. It was just too hard. Trying to fulfill my duties as a knight, I drew my sword and fought with the beast for several minutes. Finally, he blew a huge amount of fire and ruined my shield! I didn’t run this time. I was brave and stood up to him until his tail whizzed past me for the second time. I decided that there were plenty more knights out there, and sprinted for safety.
I came to a small, wooden bridge and crossed it. If I could get to the other side, I would be safe. Well, the dragon knew this too and he didn’t want it to happen, so he spat out an ocean of flame, but I jumped out of the way just in time. Furious, the dragon blew one last bit of flame. This time, it really did hit me.
So that is why I don't have any hair, eyebrows or eyelashes at the moment.



I let my older sister, Jaquie, read it and she wondered why they are fighting over the castle. She also said that I need to connect the beginning to the end a little better. I could really use your help! Please, critique!!!!!!!!

Well, the story beginning was pretty good, but might not be toned down enough, depending on what the age of your audience is. Also, I did wonder why they were fighting over the castle, besides the fact that it was rightfully the knight's. The ending was a bit abrupt, and didn't really solve the problem of the dragon and knight fighting over the castle. And, who is this knight? Even a name would be helpful.

Hey, Searria!

I'm not quite sure what to tell you about this, because you say you want to make it into a picture book for children. Because if you're doing that, you need to give us some indication of pictures or... I don't know. Like, a narration then, [Picture of So-And-So], or something? I don't think this has been dealt with before. o.o Er, check out some actual picture-books and check out the format. Some of my personal favorites are "June 29th, 1999" and "The Flying Dragon Room".

Other than that, I would suggest you post samples of your more recent writing, just so we know where you are now rather than years ago.

Um, okay. Haha. That's all the advice I can give you on the assumption that you want this illustrated. If you want to PM me [s]demanding[/s] asking for a bigger critique later on, once you've decided what you're doing with this, by all means do so!

~Sumi

Searria H. wrote:I wrote this at age nine in the beginning of the fourth grade. I recently took it back out and revised it a little bit. I want to publish it as a picture book, but I don't know if I'll make it.




The Dragon’s Revenge
His silvery eyes gleamed in the light of the flaming tower. Golden spines jutted from the back of his coppery neck and tail. He was not only huge, but powerful as well. He was the biggest dragon I had ever seen, but I wasn’t afraid. That castle was rightfully mine!
The dragon whipped his heavy tail towards me, barely missing my shield. I turned around and ran for my life.(running for his life after he just said he wasnt afraid?) He lumbered after me. For the first time in my life, I wished that I had never become a knight. It was just too hard. Trying to fulfill my duties as a knight <- not needed to be said, I drew my sword and fought with the beast for several minutes. Finally, he blew a huge amount of fire and ruined my shield! I didn’t run this time. I was brave and stood up to him until his tail whizzed past me for the second time. I decided that there were plenty more knights out there, and sprinted for safety.
I came to a small, wooden bridge and crossed it. If I could get to the other side, I would be safe. Well, the dragon knew this too and he didn’t want it to happen, so he spat out an ocean of flame, but I jumped out of the way just in time. Furious, the dragon blew one last bit of flame. This time, it really did hit me.
So that is why I don't have any hair, eyebrows or eylahses <-spelling, i think at the moment.



I let my older sister, Jaquie, read it and she wondered why they are fighting over the castle. She also said that I need to connect the beginning to the end a little better. I could really use your help! Please, critique!!!!!!!!

might be a good idea to say a few more sentensed before the story saying the knight's mission, and him getting (walking) to the dragon

The imagery in your story is great and i think it would go well in to a picture book, the only thing is that if your aiming for a younger audience the content might be a little to strong.

Let me see, here's what I think.Firstly the knight should have a name.Secondly this story should be in Historical fiction from what I read.

Okay, onto mistakes,

The Dragon’s Revenge
His silvery eyes gleamed in the light of the flaming tower. Golden spines jutted from the back of his coppery neck and tail. He was not only huge, but powerful as well. He was the biggest dragon I had ever seen, but I wasn’t afraid. That castle was rightfully mine!(A castle can't be owned by a knight)
The dragon whipped his heavy tail towards me, barely missing my shield. I turned around and ran for my life.(Why would the knight run if he wasn't afraid?) He lumbered after me. For the first time in my life, I wished that I had never become a knight. It was just too hard. Trying to fulfill my duties as a knight, I drew my sword and fought with the beast for several minutes. Finally, he blew a huge amount of fire and ruined my shield! I didn’t run this time. I was brave and stood up to him until his tail whizzed past me for the second time. I decided that there were plenty more knights out there, and sprinted for safety.
I came to a small, wooden bridge and crossed it. If I could get to the other side, I would be safe. Well, the dragon knew this too and he didn’t want it to happen, so he spat out an ocean of flame, but I jumped out of the way just in time. Furious, the dragon blew one last bit of flame. This time, it really did hit me.
So that is why I don't have any hair, eyebrows or eylahses(eyelashes, how can he not have eyebrows or eyelashes if the fire hit on the back.He's lucky to be alive) at the moment.

It was really short and the ending was abrupt.

Fix those.

Good luck.

UUh a knight story. YAY.... Classic..... well the running away was not sooo classic, but anyways


On fourth grade you say... OK! My fourth grade stories.... SUCKED. I can post them (someday )
So I was very impressed by yours.

Well I liked the story because of the slight humor in it.
This humor and the fact that he lost made the story less dependent on the old knight stories of eternal glory and Blah blah blah god knows what else. These elements in your story made it less Cliche.

I came to a small, wooden bridge and crossed it. If I could get to the other side, I would be safe. Well, the dragon knew this too and he didn’t want it to happen (was not going to let this happen) , so he spat out an ocean [b](ocean.. Hmm I don't know. Ember maybe, or something else, but ocean is like the total opposite of flame) [/b]of flame, but I jumped out

What happened to him after fighting the dragon. Where is he now.

I want more description about him: name appearance.

*************************************************************************************** LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

I though it was funny and i agree with everyone else who commented:)