Young Writers Society

Ella's Emerald green eyes stared at the sky. Her skirt was an aqua blue and made of cloth. Her blouse was white and had small, silver, star shaped buttons. Her apron was a pearly white and had a satin green bow to tie it back.

Ella was very pretty. Small waist. pretty legs. an oval face. plump, red lips. Small feet. Chestnut hair.Pearly white teeth. Creamy skin.

She had a emerald ring on her left hand.

She herd a rustling from the forest. She took steps into the dark, damp abyss.

She felt something grasp her hand. Something cold and hard. A pale hand.

Ella turned her face to see what it was, her heart beating.

There was a sword covered with blood.

Ella wanted to scream, but she couldn't.

I think there should be something more to this story than a beautiful woman getting stabbed.

Ella's Emerald green eyes stared at the sky. Her skirt was an aqua blue and made of cloth. Her blouse was white and had small, silver, star shaped buttons. Her apron was a pearly white and had a satin green bow tied back.

Ella was very pretty You can do better than that. Try Ella was a daughter of Venus.. Small waist. pretty legs. an oval face. plump, red lips. Small feet. Chestnut hair.Pearly white teeth. Creamy skin.

She took steps into the dark, damp abyss. Why would she do that?

A beautiful woman gets stabbed. That premise isn't making it. Give us readers a reason to care about Ella and then we will feel remorse for her death.

Well, this isn't bad, but it certainly had room to grow. Quite literally. You could go on and tell a huge tale about why this girl was stabbed, rather than just saying what happened. There isn't much reason for the reader to care about Ella, because all that is said about her that she is pretty. Another thing I noticed was that all but one sentence started with the word Ella or She. Maybe you should change that up just a little bit, to make it less repetitive.

snajera wrote:Ella's Emerald green eyes stared at the sky. Her skirt was an aqua blue and made of cloth. Her blouse was white and had small, silver, star shaped buttons. Her apron was a pearly white and had a satin green bow to tie it back. Maybe this paragraph and the two below could be combined?

Ella was very pretty. Small waist. pretty legs. an oval face. plump, red lips. Small feet. Chestnut hair.Pearly white teeth. Creamy skin. There really isn't any need to make this paragraph into a bunch of two paragraph sentences, it'd work just fine as one or two sentences.

She had a emerald ring on her left hand.

She herd a rustling from the forest. She took steps into the dark, damp abyss. You forgot an a in heard.Why is she doing this anyway?

She felt something grasp her hand. Something cold and hard. A pale hand. These next few lines are interesting, but could easily be combined into a single paragraph.

Ella turned her face to see what it was, her heart beating.

There was a sword covered with blood.

Ella wanted to scream, but she couldn't.

That's all I can think to say. Best of luck, and keep writing!