Young Writers Society

Her name was Ileana, and, for time being, it was enough for her. She was twelve, maybe thirteen years of age, standing amongst a cluster of girls similar to her, fair hair and water blue eyes characterizing each one.

There were ten of them, in all. Ten pale, expressionless faces amid an emerald meadow, wind whipping at the hems of their white robes as they listened to the soothing sound of the nearby creek.

None of them knew what they were doing or why they were here. None of them considered it queer that no reminiscences of the past could be recollected, none remembered that somewhere out there people who they has held most dear might still be searching for them.

None except Ileana, who suddenly flinched, a twitch appearing on her face as a blur of a memory passed her mind. It went, however, as quickly as it came, leaving emptiness in its stead.

-Emptiness, that horrid emptiness to which she seemed to be drawn like a moth to light, a sensation from which there seemed no escape. It was all around her, nudging her gently, making her go deeper and deeper.

Something made her walk; all the other girls did so, too. It was the irresistible urge to go that made her take steps onward, not her own will. In fact, if she though about it, she would have realized that the her will long since disappeared. –But she did not, she paid no attention to anything which was not moving forwards.

Finally, she and the others stopped, bare feet ankle deep in cold, cold water of the clear blue lake in front of her. Ileana watched ten small, wooden boats drift slowly to their group, a passenger of a tall, fair-haired lady in every one of them. As the boats came as near to land as it was possible, each of the women beckoned a girl by looking straight into her eyes.

Ileana trudged to the lady who had called her, oblivious to the fact of her wet hair and robes. She clambered inside into the boat, not a rasp of a heavier breath to be heard.

“My name is Lenora,” whispered the woman once Ileana sat on the small bench set for the purpose. “You shall forget your past, for it is no more yours. From now on you home is the Blue Enclosure.”


***

The beginning was slow. And somewhat hard to get through. But it seemed you warmed up after a while and once they got to the lake, it was exciting.

The amulet seemed a tad cliche. (We seem to like to use that word around here a lot. Cliche. Perhaps the word itself is a bit of a cliche?) Anyway, the end was fun and exciting and everything. If you wanted to work on this, I would say revamp the beginning.

Yes, maybe the amulet is a bit cliche... But a ring would be even worse, wouldn't it, lol? I can't say anything that will make it less cliche other than the fact the the pendant doesn't mean anything except that Ileana became (uh, I still have to figure out who). Anyways, thanks for the crit.

-elein

An intriguing, chilling start... Though I agree that the beginning was quite slow and not all that engaging. Maybe trimming down her introspective thoughts would make it a bit better?

I liked this piece.

I actually didn't feel that the beginning was that slow. I was actually drawn in by the beginning. Your description was very good. I could clearly get a sense of what was going on or at least I could imagine it in my head.

I would however agree that the amulet is cliche and if you maybe wanted to drop the amulet all together it would be better? It seemed to me that without the amulet she is already forgetting her past, so I didn't really understand why it was necessary.

I like Ileana's name a lot, which is the very reason I began reading the story.

Hope my critique helped.

wind whipping at the hems of their white robes

I'm not exactly sure why, but I really love this phrase!

-Emptiness, that horrid emptiness to which she seemed to be drawn like a moth to light,

Why the dash?

I really like this! It's weird, how she just walks. It gives me the image of a marionette, pulled forward on invisible strings.

I also don't think the beginning was slow, right away, I was curious as to what these random identical girls are doing there. Are they clones? Spirits? Figments of some crazy person's imagination?

It's different the way your story is all very external, if that makes sense. Instead of focusing a lot on what Ileana is thinking, you're talking about what she does. It kind of conveys her emptiness. If you decide to continue, maybe you could keep this up?

Blue Enclosure would make a better name than Ileana, I think, but it's up to you.

Thanks a lot for posting! Are you going to post more or this, or is it done?

-Jenna

I think I'm going to post more of this, xD. To the amulet - it just means that she became someone (again, still have to figure out who).

Anyways, thank you all for the crits!

-elein

P.S. I took out the amulet. *grumbles*