Young Writers Society

From Constable's Cloud

*

The looking-glass, if it could be called that, had a bulky border with leaf designs and a black grille that protected it from curious hands wanting to touch the smooth surface.

But it could not be a mirror, Constable thought. The glass was supposed to show his reflection, instead it displayed the outside of Spivey Manor—his home—and looked more like a photograph. Sometimes he saw moving figures, his parents or the cousins returning from school, and even the butler when he opened the door to receive visitors.

Constable was never able to see himself. He would run from the mirror to the front door and back again, just in case the Other Constable was slower, but this did not work and he was shouted at for leaving muddy footprints on the carpet and disturbing his cousins’ music lessons.

It was an enchanted mirror, he came to realise. For hours he would stare at it until one of the maids told him off for the puddle of water at his feet—a cloud always followed Constable around and occasionally rained on him. During those moments Constable was forced to carry an umbrella and sit in the upstairs bathroom.

On the other side of the entrance hall was a real looking-glass with a gilt frame. It was not as fascinating as the charmed one, but at least it showed his face—dirty from digging in the garden—and of course the little cloud. He scowled at it, wishing it would leave him alone because he had spent all his life playing on his own. He was often scolded at when lightning struck and broke several of his mother’s vases and plates, or when the cloud decided to rain and leave trails of water everywhere Constable went.

His Great Aunt, who was one of the few talented witches in the county, tried to get rid of the cloud, but it hovered above her head—Constable was glad to be free of it—and rained for an hour. To his disappointment, the cloud came back to its rightful place. The Great Aunt never bothered with Constable after that, and if their paths crossed she would always carry an umbrella and chant under her breath or draw signs on her palm. Even the cousins avoided him, running away when he wanted to join in with their games.

Constable was stuck with the cloud and there was nothing that he could do about it.

Quote:
The looking-glass, if it could be called that, had a bulky border with leaf designs and a black grille protected it from curious hands wishing to touch the smooth surface.
This sentence doesn’t run smooth enough because of the ‘and’. Maybe you should add what else it had, then make the grille part a separate sentence? -But that’s just a suggestion.

Quote:
The glass was supposed to show his reflection, instead it displayed (…)
I have objection to this sentence. ‘The glass was supposed to show his reflection, instead it displayed’ - hm… It’s not entirely clear here, at least for me. In the previous sentence you mentioned a mirror - the first part of the above sentence is referring to it, right? But then the second doesn’t fit.
Or no. Maybe it does. Oh, I don’t know. Lets just say that (for me) you should add ’in’ or something, then ’this one’.
Ha, if you understood anything of what I wrote, then you’re a genius.

Third paragraph, a comma before the ’but’ in the second sentence. Also, a bit down (the second to last paragraph) you have such a situation again. Its been drilled to me that before ‘but’ there is always a comma, though I suppose there can be exceptions.

Quote:
The Great Aunt never bothered with Constable after that, if their paths crossed she would always carry an umbrella and chant under her breath or draw signs on her palm.
Add ‘and; after the comma?


Okay, that’s it. You have a pretty interesting story here, it got me hooked. This is just an excerpt, so I can’t really write anything sensible except pointing out the mistakes (ha, as if what I wrote was sensible). Kudos to you if you understand the second paragraph. Cause I don’t.


-elein

Sari: Thanks for reading. I don't think I understand what you said for the second paragraph but I'll make changes. This was just to introduce the character, I may or may not include it in the actual story.

Myth wrote:The looking-glass, if it could be called that, had a bulky border with leaf designs and a black grille protected it from curious hands wishing to touch the smooth surface.

I think you're missing a "that" in between grille and protected.

That's my only critique actually. I rather enjoyed the snippet and I think it's creative how a cloud actually does float over his head.

LUNA

Yes! I think it would sound better with the 'that'. Here I was thinking about it about fifteen minutes, and then Luna comes and... *Shakes head in amazement*

Luna: Thank you for reading, I think the 'that' would be better, I didn't realise it was a bit awkward to read.

Lovely sketch, Myth - as brief but as vivid as a mirror's reflection. ^_~

I can tell you, only one sentence in the entire bit stuck out for lack of clarity/confusion - and I think it's only in punctuation/structure.

He scowled at it, wishing it would leave him alone as he had spent all his years playing on his own, and getting blamed when lightning struck and broke several of his mother’s vases and plates, or when the cloud decided to rain and leave trails of water everywhere Constable went.

It seems convoluted for trying to fit so many instances into one sentences connected by conjunctions. He was wishing it would leave him alone [compared to] how he had been left alone to play - while getting blamed and it was still there...? I think you can see, reiterated, it sounds breathless. ^_^

Broken up into two perhaps, for ideas? So:

He scowled at it, wishing it would leave him alone just as he had spent all his years playing on his own. [full-stop? ] and Yet he [s]getting[/s] got blamed when lightning struck and broke several of his mother’s vases and plates, or when the cloud decided to rain and leave trails of water everywhere Constable went.

Mine, I'm sure, is awkward. It's only there for the principle of the thing. Perhaps a stronger conjunction, rather than 'and' - 'but' or 'though' to make the comparison?


--

That all aside, this was another good read. You've a way with telling things simply, but not plainly - it has a ring of Diana Wynne Jones (as I've said ^_^) but it's a little darker, and on the edges there's the Myth-hint of something perhaps turned. If that makes sense at all.

Naturally, always a pleasure. ^_^


IMP

Frabjous Imp: Your suggestion makes sense, mine confuses me too XD

Thank you ever so much for reading *bows a couple of times*

Changes have been made, hopefully it'll be an improved read but if there is still anything confusing please let me know.