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Young Writers Society


First attempt at a vampire story



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Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:42 am
Alice says...



My name is Vivian, I am twenty two and I believe in vampires. I believed in them so much that I’ve devoted my life to it.
I walked from the kitchen to the living room with my English muffin and tea. It was five in the morning and I really needed caffeine. Normally I would’ve just had coffee but I was going to have to have a whole day with out caffeine.
After sitting down in the arm chair I started flipping through my book of vampire info. I wanted to know if a vampire could get AIDS by drinking somebody’s blood that had AIDS. I don’t know if I’d ever use that information or if it mattered to a mortal but I wanted to know and Todd wouldn’t tell me.
At the moment I wasn’t sure that vampires even existed. That’s why I was about to go twenty seven hours without caffeine. I was going on a trip with Todd (my best friend and is vampire obsessed like me) to the only place we could think to go that would have anything to do with vampires.
It was an old club in the older part of New York. This idea was inspired by The Vampire Chronicles, in the, Queen of the Damned. But this club wasn’t the Admiral’s Arms it was something a bit creepier. I can never remember the name of it but it was a name that made less sense about vampires than the Admiral’s Arms.
Twenty minutes later I had already unlocked the door and gotten seven different outfits crammed into a single bag. We weren’t sure what the customary style of the club. I had another bag with seven different types of makeup and makeup remover. I was prepared.
Todd knew that if the door was unlocked he could just walk in and wait in the living room. I went and got on the universal shoe. My black boots, I could be classy, gothic, hookerish, strange or any other thing you can think of making those boots work. Like I said the universal shoe.
I got the shoes on and waited at the middle of the stairs. Two minutes after five thirty Todd walked in the door, he had a bag too. His just a bit bigger than mine. After all he was a couple sizes bigger than me and he wore guy clothing.
“It never ceases to amaze me.”
“What?”
“That you’re always on time for everything.”
“And you’re always late.”
“By only two minutes!”
We climbed in his car and started the twelve hour drive out to the club. We stopped and got highly caffeinated drinks several times.
By the time we got there it was six. We stopped and had dinner. After we ate dinner we staked out the club to see what the people were dressed in coming in and out. We realized that they were just dressed like freak Gothic’s.
Luckily for us we had clothes like that. We changed and shoved the rest of our clothes into the back of Todd’s car.
When we walked in I could tell right away that this was not the home to a vampire coven. It may have been at one time but they have moved on to another place.
The people there weren’t as pale as vampires. Some were but artificially pale we could tell. The only thing we could do was to either go home or stay and have a few beers.
We decided to stay and have a few beers. Todd is still amazed that I drank beer. All the other girls he hangs out with are all “fancy” alcohol drinkers. By that I mean that they all drank drinks that took them longer to say the name of the drink than to drink it.
I used to go with them, and the looks that I’d get when I’d just ask for a beer instead of a “vodka martini with a twist on the rocks.” Eventually it got in the way with Todd’s thing with getting the girls on his basicness; so I either had to learn to like vodka martini with a twist on the rocks or stop going with him on these occasions.
This was not one of those occasions, so we were both content with me getting a beer. We got a hotel room and crashed there. Because we only had one beer each we didn’t have a hang over in the morning but we didn’t feel comfortable driving the night before.
“Back to square one,” Todd said as we rode home.
“Nope, well yeah the edge of square one, we know one place not to look. Let’s go through my vampire book when we get back to my apartment.
“Viv…” I could sense the doubting tone in his voice. “We really should give up on this.”
“Todd we can’t give up now. Do you believe?”
“Viv, you are just so sure do you have any reason to believe the way you do?”
“I just know, alright?”
“You know that there are vampires, witches, wizards, and all of those other weird creatures and stuff like that?”
“Todd there doesn’t have to be all of that, you know just as well as I do that just because one exists doesn’t mean the others do.”
We had a inexhaustible tête-à-tête on this until we got back at my apartment and I told him to just go home.
I went inside and buried my face inside my vampire book. I wasn’t giving up; I was going to find a vampire coven. No matter how long it took.
At three I had to be at work, I was a librarian at the local library. My town had like less than two hundred people, not many of them readers so I usually had very little to do; Which left me free to do research on vampires.
I knew vampires were in my town. But since the town was so small they fed off of each other. In a town with five hundred people a person dying like that would be noticed.
Very rarely a new person comes in the library with more on their mind than using the internet to look up maps. Today was one of those rare days.
A pale woman dressed in very small clothes cut very high came in and asked for a book. I pointed her in the right direction and she sat down and read it.
As a natural instinct when somebody like that comes in (for me at least) is to look out the window and see if it’s dark out; it was. I knew that only holy water would work as a good defense against a vampire.
She left a good hour before the library closed. Even with her gone I didn’t feel safe. I shut down early closed all the gates that kept the books safe and went out the back door; the quickest way home.
On the way home I walked through the park. The actually safest place in my little town, where as in other’s it is one of the least safe in the night. Usually it’s the safest, but tonight I got to prove to Todd that I was right, had he been there he probably would have wet himself.
I saw the pale girl from the library and a man sitting on a bench. Very chastely and quietly. Slowly and inconspicuously I saw her bear her fangs and plunge them into his neck.
Before she looked up I took off my boots, (which stood six inches tall) and started running. I stopped running when I was safely in the woods. I didn’t stop to rest; the adrenaline rush had not quite yet worn off so I kept walking.
“So they didn’t feed off of each other in this town.” I thought; that gave me a more puzzling question. “How did they get away with this and go unnoticed?” I was pretty sure that that man wasn’t going to get up and get better.
When I got home I quickly locked the front door, basement door, back door, and storm shelter door, attic door; before I proceeded to lock the windows.
I slept uneasily that night. I actually had no intention of sleeping at all but I did pass out on the couch.
I dreamed of the park. Only the park was different than that night.
There was a vampire coven surrounding a fire. They were talking and I was brought into the circle. I was acting calm like I knew them.
“Hello Vivian,” one of them said in a cold yet feeling voice. He was lying on his elbow and had an unbuttoned leather shirt on, and leather pants. I stared at him but made no reply.
There was a woman next to me. She was dressed much more chastely than the woman who had in my wake killed that man. Her hair was pulled up in a curly bun like thing. (Half of it was in a bun the rest of it was in curls.)
Around the circle there were about twelve there, not including me. Each of them dressed in a slightly similar manner.
They went on plotting someone’s death. They kept referring to me and pointing at me. Even thought I couldn’t tell what they were saying I had a slight suspicion that it was me.
What confused me was that they were plotting this in a language that my dream person could easily understand right in front of me.
The man in the leather looked over at me and before I could decipher the look I shot awake. I opened up a curtain and discovered that it was daylight out. I breathed a sigh of relief. If I knew one thing for sure about vampires it was that they could not hunt in the day.
Never the less I kept all the doors locked. I didn’t have to work that day so I just remained at home and poured through all the vampire books I had.
Nothing in them helped me find what ever it was that I was looking for. At that point I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for anymore.
But what ever it was, I didn’t find it. At three I closed all the curtains and took a nap.
I designed my curtains. Whither they were open or closed in order to keep them from falling to the ground I had to wrap the string around a nail sticking out form the wall just a few feet away from the window.
If I let go of the string holding it the entire thing would collapse. I like the curtains they keep it easy to close and open them incase of an emergency.
When I woke from my nap I made sure before the sun went down that I had a long lasting supply of coffee and all my caffeinated drinks. I wasn’t going to sleep that night. Even if I wanted to I wouldn’t have the ability.
What I had seen the night before would haunt me forever. I felt like I could have stopped her, but the only way to actually kill a vampire was to burn them. Even then they didn’t really die, they were just ashes, and scattered by the wind.
Setting the vampire on fire would have required tools which I didn’t have, and would’ve resulted in that man’s death anyway. Actually I was lucky she hadn’t seen me. Because I know that a vampire if seen would kill the seer.
I wasn’t all that ready to be the second victim to a vampire attack; especially if it was in the same night within minutes of each other.
Eventually I sat down and attempted to figure out what my dream the other night meant. Usually by this time my dreams have faded from my mind but this one suck.
I have had a dream some what like that before. Not the same exact dream but a dream that seamed real, and usually they actually happened later. This one if it did happen I was determined to avoid it’s outcome.
The way I figured was the best way to do this was to stock up on food, so I wouldn’t have any more reason to leave the house other than work, and I would ask to switch my schedule with one in the morning. So I would be there during the day.
I wouldn’t be caught out at night.
I just lost the game.
  





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Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:08 pm
Chibi says...



oooooh....I likes it. I likes it alot! ...but then, I'm a bit biased, I love vampy stories.

More! ...oh, and I'm too tired for a proper crit so I'll just praise you on the lackage of spelling errors! Well done ^_^

~Chibi
I speak with abscences, my lips move but no sound escapes; my life is but an eternal darkness searching for it's light.
  





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Wed Jan 31, 2007 4:01 pm
Emma says...



Can you please break it up? It is a bit hard to read with everything so close together, thanks.
  





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Wed Jan 31, 2007 4:09 pm
Ego says...



Slightly cliched. Vampires in gothic clothing is done frequently.

I like the concept and how it's written, but the tone sounds very strained. For example, you said "two minutes afer five thirty," when a simple 5:32 or five thirty-two would have sufficed, and actually read better, in my opinion.

I can't sress enough the importance of format, here. It's easy to get lost, in this story, and I think that has a lot to do with the format. If you would edit your post, and add a space between each paragraph, it would lookand read much better.

Hmmm...it irks me a little that they go out looking for vampires, seem highly educated on the topic, but have no means with which to defend themselves. Stakes, guns, holy water...anything to slow them down.

When I read the bit about the woman in the high cut clothing, I didn't so much think "vampire" as I did "hooker." Maybe you could add something like an unnatural air about the woman, or perhaps she is deathly pale, but heavily made up to appear not. Also, I thin the book she requested might be relevant here, regardless of what it might be.

"So they don't feed off each other in this town." As a reader, I didn't know this was usual behavior. Perhaps you could clarify that in other places, they DO feed off each other?

You also mentions she had dreams before, that came true. What were they? I think it would add a certain flair to the story if you added little details like that.

Good start--go back, run it through for grammar and punctuation errors, edit it a bit, and post the next draft :)

--Dono
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  








Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
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