z

Young Writers Society


Tarin and Naija



User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Tue Dec 12, 2006 7:28 am
Snoink says...



It was cold, bitterly cold, and two children were walking together. The boy had one hand shoved in his coat, but his other hand, slightly puffy from a mild case of frostbite, was tightly holding on to his little sister’s hand. She had his mittens on, though they were obviously too big for her – the boy had to wrap the cord twice around her wrist before they would stay on.

“Where are we now, Tarin?” the little girl said. Her voice sounded sulky, but Tarin knew she wasn’t. They had walked too far for her to sulk anymore, and besides, he knew how to read her moods now. She was just tired of stumbling. He smiled at her, snowflakes bouncing off his nose.

“We’re far away.”

“How far?”

“Very far.”

She thought about this hard, her face scrunched up, and nodded, rubbing her hands together. It didn’t really help any – her mittens were fastened on too tightly and she could not warm her hands.

“Why are we running away?”

“Because we have to run. Otherwise, we’ll die.” When she looked confused, he said more gently, “They would have killed us. Remember what they did to Mother? Remember what they did to Father? If they found us, they would do the same thing. We can’t stay home anymore. It’s too dangerous.” The little girl looked up at his face skeptically and then frowned.

She didn’t understand.

Tarin sighed and tugged her arm. “Come on, let’s keep moving.” He stepped forward, but she didn’t budge.

“Tarin, why did we have to leave?”

“What?”

“Are we going to die?”

“Naija!” He was about to yell at her for being so stupid, when suddenly he stopped. He didn’t want to yell. Not at her. Besides, her nose was starting to look red and she was squinting, trying to keep the snow out of her face. She was just tired. They were both tired. He sighed and stood up straighter. “No, we are not going to die, Naija.”

She looked down at her feet. Tarin had made sure that she wore some boots since he knew the slippers would shred after a couple of days, but the boots were much too big for her little feet and though he stuffed all the socks he could on her tiny feet, he still knew about all her blisters.

“Tarin?” she finally said. “I’m cold.”

“Hush.” He squeezed her hand tighter, though he doubted she could feel inside of her mitten, and tried to give her a reassuring grin. “It’ll be okay.”

They walked farther on the road. It was a slow walk. The road hadn’t been cleared, of course, and though some of the snow was slick and icy, other parts were soft and every once in a while, Tarin or Naija would fall into the snow. If it was Naija, then it was easy and Tarin would just fish her out, but if Tarin fell, then…

Tarin tried not to fall. His eyes scanned the ground and he avoided the soft snow patches as much as he could, preferring to walk on the more glistening parts, which he hoped were ice. It was getting colder and the sun began to fall past the trees. Tarin felt sleepy, but he didn’t let up, singing songs to Naija as they stumbled on. The songs were from home and he had learned them from his music tutor, before the revolution, of course. Sometimes, if Naija knew the song she would join in, but most of the time he was alone. He tried to keep the songs as even as possible so they would be good to march to, and he quickly lost track of time. It was only when Naija stopped when he looked up through the snowflakes.

“Naija?”

“There’s a building.”

He wiped off his eyes and, to his right, he saw a tiny stone farmhouse. At first he stiffened. He had chosen this road, not because it was easier but because it was safer. Over here, the revolution had picked up greatly and many people had traveled to the west to fight. He had hoped that they would stay there for the winter, far away from them. The last thing he wanted was to have someone see them, the royal children, walking along on their road, especially in the weakened state they were in. Tarin was not quite sure about what they would do if they saw them, but he didn’t want to think about it too much.

For a moment, he just stood there still, watching the house intently. Nobody was inside – otherwise, there would be a fire roaring and smoke would be pouring from the chimney. But it was quiet. He guessed that the family had moved out west for the revolution and had left their farmhouse unguarded.

Tarin didn’t want to go in. It wasn’t polite. But they were cold and their situation was desperate. Besides, the owners of the farmhouse would never know. They would make sure to clean it up nicely before they ever left.

“I think it’s abandoned,” he said to his sister. Then he turned to Naija and tried to smile. “It looks like we’ll have somewhere warm to sleep tonight.”

Naija smiled.

They stumbled through snow, each step taking much longer than it should, but the stone farmhouse was getting closer and closer and, for the moment, that was enough. Still, it was hard to move, and the closer they got the slushier the snow was until they reached the entryway. Tarin was about to go in the farmhouse when suddenly Naija tugged on his sleeve. Or tried to – her hands were bundled up tightly. “Tarin? What’s that?”

She was pointing at a wheel set in front of the house. It was not a particularly interesting decoration, though it did look pretty in the snow – icicles hung from it and made the frozen wheel sparkle. For a minute, Tarin paused, breathing on his hands. Then he shrugged. “It’s a wheel.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know. Come on, let’s go inside.” He was about to push open the door, but then Naija frowned.

“We should knock.”

“What?”

“It’s not polite to go in without knocking, right?” She looked at him pleadingly – her little nose was purple. “We should knock.”

“Very well.” Tarin sighed and then rapped his puffy hand onto the door. “Hallo?”

It was quiet.

He turned back to Naija. “I don’t think anybody’s here.”

“Shh!” Her head was turned to the door. Then she nodded solemnly. “Let’s go in.”

Tarin gave her a funny look, but he pushed open the door. It was quiet and cold. Off to the corner, a wood stove was there, but only a small stack of wood was beside it. Tarin rushed to check its condition, his red puffy hands fumbling the wood. Suddenly he smiled. “It’s still dry!” he cried happily. “We can start a nice roaring fire and get dry and warm again. Wouldn’t you like that, Naija?”

She frowned, looking at something away on the other side of the room. “Hello?” she asked softly.

It was then that Tarin realized who she was talking to. A woman, sitting on a rocking chair, was seated right behind them, her eyes gently closed, holding a small bundle in her lap.

Tarin felt his insides twist.

“I’m sorry…” he began, when Naija glared at him. Slowly, very slowly, she crept up to the woman. It was then Tarin realized that her black hair and eyebrows were slicked over and her hands too rigid.

She had frozen to death.

“Naija?” he said gently. But she ignored him, standing up on her tiptoes to unveil the bundle in her arms. There, in the soft blanket, was a little baby with tiny black hair, also iced over. Naija frowned and put the blanket back, critically looking at the woman and child.

“Where’s his daddy?”

“At war, perhaps.” His voice sounded weak.

Naija thought about this for a moment before nodding seriously. “I think they died.”

This was more than Tarin could take. He stumbled outside, away from Naija, and shivered, holding his face in his hands. It was stupid, so stupid. She had died, and for what reason? The stupid revolution. If her husband was there, then this wouldn’t happen. She would have never died and a plume of smoke would be rising up from her chimney, as it should haven been. And then…

And then?

Tarin sunk to his knees and sobbed.

Naija came out after a minute. She watched him cry and then put her little hand on his shoulder. “Tarin? Are you okay?”

He smiled and moved to squeeze her hand, tears still glistening his eyes. They stayed like that for a while until finally Tarin stood up on shaky legs. He stared at the frozen wheel, such a unique decoration, before drawing his jacket closer. “This is a strange world,” he muttered, wiping his nose with his frozen hand.

Naija hugged him.

For a minute they stood like that. Then Naija broke away from him. “Will we keep going?”

He glanced at the door once and then sighed. “Yes, we’ll keep going.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know.” Tarin tried to smile. “Is that okay?”

She nodded. “I think so.”

This time Tarin did smile. He helped redo her mittens, which had come loose since he had fastened them last.

“Come on, let’s go.”
Last edited by Snoink on Sat Dec 16, 2006 4:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
38 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 38
Wed Dec 13, 2006 2:35 am
blackwings_angel says...



this is really good!!! i love the emotions tarin has and the relationship between him and his sister. I hope you keep writng. I only have a few questions im sure you'll answer if you keep writng. Good luck with this piece, i hope there mpre too come :D
  





User avatar
55 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 55
Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:47 pm
Shafter says...



Hiya Snoink!
Well, I randomly decided to crit this piece of yours, so here goes:

Love it, want to read more. The setting is believable, the characters intriguing and sympathetic, the exposition great. The names are great, too, but how do you pronounce it: Nay-ja, Nye-ja, or some other way?

There were just a few things that bugged me.

Snoink wrote:It was cold, bitterly cold, and two children were walking together.

"Bitterly cold"? I know you can do better than that. I know it says what needs to be said, but a cliche like that in the opening sentence really stopped me for a second.

He smiled at her, snowflakes bouncing off his nose.

Heehee, I'm being nitpicky now. :razz: Having walked in snows of all sorts, only once have snowflakes been icy enough to actually bounce off my nose, and that was a few weeks ago when it was actually frozen drops of rain. So you might want to mention that this was not a normal, feathery kind of snow.

His eyes scanned the ground and he avoided the soft snow patches as much as he could, preferring to walk on the more glistening parts, which he hoped were ice.

Snow is on my mind, since we just got through with a big ice storm. How deep is this snow? Because walking on ice, you're far more likely to slip (don't ask me how I know!). At least with soft snow, you have less chance of falling. Unless the snow is over two feet deep.

“I’m sorry…” he began, when Naija glared at him. Slowly, very slowly, she crept up to the woman. It was then Tarin realized that her black hair and eyebrows were slicked over and her hands too rigid.

She had frozen to death.

Okay, that really creeped me out. Which is what you wanted. So it's all good. *shiver*

Hope this helped you a little. Just trying to return the favor. ;) Let me know when you post more!

Cheers, Shafter
Got YWS?

Over 18? Join The Writers Society today!
http://www.thewriterssociety.com
  





User avatar
614 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1106
Reviews: 614
Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:49 am
Swires says...



Nice story, well paced and the opposite of my own purple prosian filth.

I don't have anything else to add.

I pronounce it Nay -ah without the J. Sort of like my own character, Neya.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:17 am
Snoink says...



blackwings>> More to come? :o But...! The Unicorn Killers is next! :)

Shafter>> Ah yes... thanks. Never trust the Californian on matters of snow. ;) Unless of course they live near the mountains... which I don't. So I guess I haveto come up with a slightly poetic line that fits! :D

Phorcys>> Aw, Adam. Don't complain about the critiques you got on my story. It just ain't nice. :P
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
647 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9022
Reviews: 647
Fri Dec 15, 2006 6:04 am
Alteran says...



This was nicely written Snoink. You playted the emtion without making it corney so good job.

The onlything i didn't care for was the first paragraph. It didn't really grab me but cause i know you tend to write good stuff it was easy to keep going. I think it just needs a little more catch in the beginning.

A very nice story indeed.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective
  





User avatar
820 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 820
Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:52 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

She had his mittens on, though they were obviously too big for her – the boy had to wrap the cord twice around her wrist to before they would stay on.


To what?

She thought about this hard, her face scrunched up, and nodded, rubbing her hands together. It didn’t really help any – her mittens were fastened on too tightly and she could not warm her hands.


Snoink, what is wrong with you? The part in bold is a typo!

“Why are we running?”


When did they start running? The beginning states they were ‘walking together’.

She looked down at her feet. Tarin had made sure that she wore some boots since he knew the slippers would shred after a couple of days, but the boots were much too big for her little feet and though he stuffed all the socks he could on her tiny little feet, he still knew about all her blisters.


Repetition *cringes*, how about taking out the second one?

“Hush.” He squeezed her hand tighter, though she doubted she could feel inside of her mitten, and tried to give her a reassuring grin.


Wouldn’t that be ‘he’ as this is Tarin, right?

The road hadn’t been cleared, of course, and though some of the snow was slick and icy, other parts were soft and every once and a while, Tarin or Naija would fall into the snow.


‘and’ = in?

Sometimes, if Naija knew the song she would join in, but most of the time he was alone.


I think it would be better to have ‘he sang alone’ rather than the ‘was’.

He wiped away his eyes and, to his right, he saw a tiny stone farmhouse.


What, what? He wiped away his eyes? Are you sure? XD And, dear lord, ‘tiny’ is an ugly word to describe a stone house! Even if it is tiny it would be more appropriate to have ‘small’, perhaps?

The last thing he wanted was to have someone see them, the royal children, walking along on their road, especially in the weakened state they were in.


I got the impression they were poor, why is it that, being royal children, that they don’t have warm clothing? Were they in disguise?

“It’s not polite to go into a door without knocking, right?” She looked at him pleadingly – her little nose was purple.


Through a door not into.


There, in the soft blanket, was a little baby with tiny black hair, also iced over.


Again, that hateful ‘tiny’. Being a baby I think you can describe it as stubble? Or very fine hair? And that was horrible, poor baby and the woman.

Naija thought about this for a moment before nodding seriously. “I think they died.”


Don’t ask why, but this was funny enough for me to laugh. Sorry.

This was more then Tarin could take.


‘then’ = than

If her husband [s]would be there[/s] was here, then this wouldn’t happen.


^^^ See quote.


1) Characters

Tarin – Being the eldest he, naturally, takes the role of big brother and though he is young (you don’t say how young) he is the dominant character of the two. I like how you got him to appear strong at the beginning and then how he changes and cries in front of his sister, I know it is hard for a guy to do that.

Naija – I thought I would hate Naija because I had assumed she would be a sulky little brat but, surprisingly, she wasn’t. I had expected her to creep out when coming across the dead mother(?) and child but she didn’t and knew they were dead so Tarin didn’t have to pretend that they were asleep.

2) Dialogue

I liked the first conversation between Tarin and Naija, it gave the impression of the two characters being young and asking/answering in short sentences which you kept throughout the whole piece. I don’t know how you did it, usually I find myself writing long sentences in dialogues.

3) Description

The description of the wheel was pretty! And the snow though much else wasn’t given away. For a short piece I think that is fine because the story concentrates more on the characters rather than the actual setting. So you wouldn’t need to worry too much about it, even though the characters had nothing to project themselves into my mind—I got the basic idea of two children walking along a snowy road.

Good luck with the contest, Snoink. I haven’t seen/read the other entries yet. I hope this wasn’t a bad try at a SPEWish critique.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





User avatar
614 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1106
Reviews: 614
Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:39 pm
Swires says...



I'm not, I'm wallowing in self pity lol!
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





User avatar
798 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6517
Reviews: 798
Sat Dec 16, 2006 3:48 am
Jiggity says...



I am such a goner, lol. My story ... is ... uh, nowhere near as good to say the least. I don't think the original idea even came through, in my hurry to get it in. But still, great story snoinkles.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Sat Dec 16, 2006 4:37 am
Snoink says...



Heheh! Two Adams on a thread! :D

Adam Atlantian>> Thanks! I was afraid it might be corny and stuff, but your assurance is always nice. ;)

Myth>> Hahaha. The sad part is that I never knew it was "once in a while." Isn't that pathetic? ;) And um... lol. This poorly edited draft was a test! (Or very hastily written, hehe.)

Adam>>Haha. Wallowing is only allowed when you're in the pig sty. ;)

Jiggity>> Do not fear! Imp may like... randomly die or something and pick none of our entries, so then we'll have to wrestle to the death! Then, with my weakened state of stomach flu and stuff, you'll be sure to win! If you can get the plane tickets to the USA anyway...

Thanks for all the comments! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
459 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 10092
Reviews: 459
Mon Dec 25, 2006 1:02 am
Poor Imp says...



I'm trying to be less than impish and a bit more responsible as a usergroup leader...and respond to the entries, naturally. ^_^'' And as I'm not yet randomly dead, well -- you probably won't have to wrestle.

Myth hit the points I noticed before, for the most part. As usual Snoink, you've got a brief style, that's rather pretty in simplicity -- no dimunative implied; and things happen if only on the level of two children fleeing through the snow.

The dialogue at points struck me oddly. Tarin and Naija seemed amazingly lucid, in a more adult logic than a child's -- though Tarin could have been older?

By the time it arrived at the frozen mother and child, it flowed. The reaction of both seemed painfully realistic; Tarin's tears, etc.

All right then. With those inadmissably brief remarks, I'm going to hit Jig over the head with a critique, or some such thing.


IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander
  





User avatar
798 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6517
Reviews: 798
Mon Dec 25, 2006 1:31 am
Jiggity says...



LOL -- I dont think thats going to happen hahah, she seems to be in good health. Although that wrestling idea seems good! Mwahahaha, lol. I may actually be coming to America, in the next 2 yrs.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Tue Dec 26, 2006 8:38 am
Snoink says...



Tarin's about thirteen or so... young enough to be young and considered a child, perhaps, and old enough to be lucid. But little kids are surprisingly smart. I wouldn't hold much past them! Like... remember Lowry made Jonas smart, even if he was really only thirteen or so? Yeah...

And dang it! I wanna wrestling match! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
459 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 10092
Reviews: 459
Wed Dec 27, 2006 1:38 am
Poor Imp says...



Snoink wrote:Tarin's about thirteen or so... young enough to be young and considered a child, perhaps, and old enough to be lucid. But little kids are surprisingly smart. I wouldn't hold much past them! Like... remember Lowry made Jonas smart, even if he was really only thirteen or so? Yeah...

And dang it! I wanna wrestling match! :D



True, yes. I know some brilliant kids - not surprisingly, they pick things up more quickly, approaching them with curiosity.

My thought on Tarin and Naija was the sort of smart they are. Though - they were 'royal' children? That seemed slipped in. And in that case, they could very well and very likely be more adult. A dark world or a dull one will make children smart like adults. That fits with this, I suppose.



IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander
  








Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh