Young Writers Society

(Under Major Rewrite)

A few corrections can be made with punctuation - for example, there are some places where you need a semi-colon instead of a comma. I haven't quoted everything, but here are a few things that need changing.

That was odd, where was the usual twinkling lights that swirled?

^ where were the usual twinkling lights

with a slight accept she could not place,

^ with a slight accent she could not place,

“How do you sleep with it one?”

^ "How do you sleep with it on?"

Make sure you check some of the longer paragraphs for punctuation mistakes; I would check it more thoroughly but I'm meant to be doing computing coursework now... Hmm. I should probably stop with the procrastinating and just get on with it...

Anyway, I like how the story is progressing, and apart from a few grammar mistakes, I think it's very well-written. Can't wait to see more!!

Thank you Kay!

I type too fast to realise my mistakes and spellcheck doesn't always pick up on some of them, I'm editting this right now. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes my poor eyes missed :S

(Under Major Rewrite)

Grrrr... I just did a huuugggeee long crit, and then my laptop messed up and deleted it all! I’m doing this one on Word so it doesn’t get deleted.

Brilliant, sir.

^ Sir should have a capital letter I think.

Brenna

^ Pretty sure you said it was ‘Breena’ before, so one or other of these will need correcting.

whispered leaning

^ comma between the two words

me the creeps, there’s something

^ semi-colon instead of comma.

said looking

^ comma between two words

suddenly quite and unusually empty

^ something’s gone wrong here; it should either be quite suddenly and unusually empty, or you could just take away the ‘and’.

than she had anticipated, she hardly

^ semi-colon instead of comma.

held another fête in the summer, all the stalls were

^ semi-colon instead of comma.

until autumn

^ does this mean you’re from the UK..? lol

autumn, she was

^ semi-colon instead of comma.

in the small box, Masters Sebastian

^ I think this should be a full-stop instead of a comma.

won’t, he’s

^ either semi-colon or hyphon instead of comma

when I was Sebastian’s eleventh birthday

^ yeah… I don’t really need to point out what’s wrong with this…

birthday, Alice

^ comma should be something else… maybe a full-stop, hyphon or semi-colon.

The Oracle was the first male they had seen

^ What?! Ever..? I think this needs re-wording; I can understand what you’re trying to say, but at the moment it doesn’t make sense…

glided up the stairs behind Sebastian, he didn’t once

^ semi-colon instead of comma.

waited patiently on the stairs; Lilith sat

^ how about: waited patiently on the stairs, while Lilith sat

wondering that’s all.”

^ comma after first word.

The Oracle left Sebastian came down the stairs and sighed. “That’s Eligor,” he said lazily pointing up the stairs where a knight stood guard.

^ This sentence is a little hard to understand… though I couldn’t quite say how to fix it, as it’s a little hard to understand what you’re trying to say…

she did the same, and secretly wishing

^ You either need to take away the ‘and’, or change ‘wishing’ to ‘wished’, though I think the first option is better. I’m not sure it needs to be secretly anyway… After all, they are best friends and all.

I like the way the story is going so far.. though I'll admit that I'm not all that keen on the last sentence. Also, am liking how Lilith can turn into things. Something I'd like though, would be for you to describe certain things more.. like why Sebastian's daimon is so funny. Lol.

Hope that helped. Am waiting to see more!


~KayJuran~

^ does this mean you’re from the UK..? lol

I thought you might of guessed I was from some of my spellings eg colour.

What?! Ever..? I think this needs re-wording; I can understand what you’re trying to say, but at the moment it doesn’t make sense…

Actually it was meant to say it was the first male Oracle the apprentices had seen, the others had female Oracles, but I fixed it now.I hope it makes a little sense.

^ You either need to take away the ‘and’, or change ‘wishing’ to ‘wished’, though I think the first option is better. I’m not sure it needs to be secretly anyway… After all, they are best friends and all.

I like the way the story is going so far.. though I'll admit that I'm not all that keen on the last sentence. Also, am liking how Lilith can turn into things. Something I'd like though, would be for you to describe certain things more.. like why Sebastian's daimon is so funny. Lol.

Monessa doesn't really like to show her true feelings towards others which is one of the reasons she doesn't get along very well with the others (expect for Sebastian, Percy and Shelley.)

I changed the last sentance, it wasn't meant to be put up yet but my mind raced ahead :S

In my world knights and heroic deeds are laughed at since most magicians think some heros/knights are just overrated.

Thank you very very much for helping me edit it and for reading. My next part will include the story from a commoners point of view for the first time, and I'm edging towards the end of Part One, so I don't think I'll post any further after that. Unless someone wants to read further into it.

One more thing, the original name was Brenna but I spelt it wrong and used double 'e' so now its correct.

(Under Major Rewrite)

vanished oil-paintings

^ varnished.

ran to raised chair

^ ran to a raised chair

was the Cook at Weir House, it was

^ at Weir House; it was

the table, the pencils

^ the table; the pencils

don’t leave this room, there are things

^ leave this room; there are

“That’s the fifth time actually.” Delia said sticking out her tongue.

^ “That’s the fifth time actually,” Delia said, sticking out her tongue.

make sure you don’t do anything you’re not supposed to, if the spirits talk

^ don't do anything you're not supposed to; if the spirits talk

just ask me, I’ll be

^ just ask me; I'll be

No wondering about.”

^ No wandering about.

they had an extra three days of holidays.

^ nothing wrong with this at the moment, but it might sound better if you said: they had been given an extra three days

was allowing them to stay home to watch television all day, instead she had

^ was not allowing them to stay home to watch television all day; instead she had

came in with a tray, she placed

^ with a tray; she placed

Don’t leave any crumbles

^ Don't leave any crumbs

Like all the female servants she wore

^ Like all the female servants, she wore

“It’s the master favourites;

^ the master’s favourite (note lack of ‘s’)

window, he slowly squeezed his warm bun, wisps of smoke drifted into the air like ghostly hands.

^ window; he slowly squeezed his warm bun, wisps of smoke drifting into the air like ghostly hands.

looked like strange fireflies, a black cat was

^ like strange fireflies; a black cat was

ran to the door, he looked around but she was nowhere in sight.

^ ran to the door; he looked

in drawing room

^ in the drawing room

“I was… it’s my sister, she was looking for the… bathroom, she just wanted to wash her hands.”

^ she was looking for the… bathroom; she just wanted to wash her hands.”

beside the dining room, she’s probably in

^ the dining room; she’s probably

There was a mirror and a small sink and no signs of his sister.

^ mirror and a small sink but no sign of his sister

God knows what evil they could do to you.

^ I think this part should be in italics, as it seems to be his thoughts.

never really spoken to a magician before, he had always thought

^ before; he had always thought

could only be one person, the girl

^ could only be one person: the girl

hadn’t changed much, she still looked

^ hadn’t changed much; she still looked

put her hands in his, her eyes were

^ put her hands in his; her eyes were

thing or two, you never wonder around

^ thing or two; you never wander around

next I’ll make sure

^ next time I’ll make sure

walked to the drawing room leaving them

^ walked to the drawing room, leaving them

girl was slumped in an armchair, she quickly sat up

^ slumped in an armchair; she quickly sat up

“I don’t know Mum wants

^ “I don’t know. Mum wants

his sister in her seat writing furiously

^ his sister in her seat, writing

The rips of her eyes were read from silent tears

^ The rips of her eyes were red from silent tears
…what are ‘rips’..? Not sure whether this needs correcting, or whether it’s an actual word. lol


Hope that helps! Don't worry if it seems like a lot; it's easy to see that most of this is typos and not knowing when to use semi-colons. Which reminds me...

Semi-colon help for you!!

Write on!!


~KayJuran~

Thank you! I'll check out the site and do my best for the next post.

^ window; he slowly squeezed his warm bun, wisps of smoke drifting into the air like ghostly hands.

It's actually meant to be 'drifted' because Marcus is squeezing the bun and the smoke is drifting out out it.

^ The rips of her eyes were red from silent tears
…what are ‘rips’..? Not sure whether this needs correcting, or whether it’s an actual word. lol

XD it was meant to be 'rims' but it's getting edited.

(Under Major Rewrite)

^ window; he slowly squeezed his warm bun, wisps of smoke drifting into the air like ghostly hands.



It's actually meant to be 'drifted' because Marcus is squeezing the bun and the smoke is drifting out out it.

^ yeah... i see now. well, in that case you need a semi-colon. i.e. his warm bun; wisps of smoke drifted...

She checked her watch; making sure she was on time to give the potion one last shake, the rainbow colours changed to a dark red, and she smiled in satisfaction.

^ checked her watch, making sure she was on time to give the potion one last shake; the rainbow colours changed.

umm... are you noticing a pattern here? 'The rainbow colours changed' is a sentence on it's own so it requires a semi-colon before it, but 'making sure she was on time' wouldn't make sense on it's own so it requires a comma. Does that help...? (don't worry! you are getting better with these!)

old fashioned way of life; writing out letters by hand

^ ...of life, writing out letters

They both packed their things quickly and departed; Monessa to her room and Cecilia Dawn hurriedly walked to her car.

^ something wrong with this sentence… how about: …and departed; Monessa to her room and Cecilia Dawn hurriedly to her car

She said leaving him alone.

^ said, leaving him alone

he was still absorbed in the beauty of the liquid to see her watching him.

^ still too absorbed

since Thursday, that’s when the Mister Tull died.”

^ since Thursday; that’s when Mister Tull died.” Note absence of ‘the’.


Hope this helps. There are one or two other places where you've possibly mis-used commas and/or semi-colons, but I'm sure you can find those. I've got computing coursework to do now though, so I can't write anymore... Good luck!


~KayJuran~

Thanks for the review, I'll be editing the whole story from the very beginning (which isn't posted here).

Is it possible for someone to critique this? I don't mind if you do it in parts or a full one, I really need help on how to improve this before doing the next part.

So do you want the whole story critted from your first post to the end?

I'd appreciate it if it was done from beginning to end unless you've read the start.