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Oracle's Possession (Under Major Rewrite)



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Wed Feb 22, 2006 4:48 pm
Dynasty cow says...



your style is different from most of the people on this sight, in a good way. its clearrer and more understandable but despite bieng simple it has depth. write somthing that fits better around your style.
i liked the atmosphere when they were setting all the tents up.

from mr.cool 8)
can a cow be cooked in a woc if a woc can be cooked in a cow?





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Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:23 am
Myth says...



Thanks alot for reading. I didn't really know I had a 'style' I just write how I think is best.
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'...'





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Thu Feb 23, 2006 1:42 pm
Nox says...



On the previously day most of the tents had been put up, the children had never seen so many people at the house before and got in the way of setting up a big tent, two boys chased them away to the house.


How about: the children had never seen so many people at the house and got in the way of setting up the big tent that two boys had to chase them away. (In you own words of course)

The gypsies helped put up the stall


Shouldn’t this be ‘stalls’ since there are loads of different things at a fair/fête?

By late afternoon the garden was out of bounds for the young apprentices, they had supper in the dining room with the Penton and Jones kids who had always travelled with the circus. The room was louder than usual, Sebastian and Blake left early. They sat on the Horseshoe and watched as various daimons flitted around the house and drive.


I think this part should be a new paragraph.

Sebastian thought she sounded quite mean, he didn't say anything, and Blake always spoke her mind.


Instead of ‘and’ why not ‘because’ so you’re explaining the reason why he won’t say anything.

He stood on stage with the band of troubadours behind him, they played a merry tune and the crow gathered around the stage.


Correction: the crowd

The world seemed to watch her and even time itself stopped just for her. A harp began to play two or three notes, as each one lost its sound another pluck brought a new note to life. A lute and fife joined in playing their own tune, a violin, an oboe and panpipes were the final addition and a calm sensation had taken over throughout the crowd.

The sweet melody drifted through the air and someone beside him grunted with irritation and moved off the stage. Sebastian ignored them and smiled because the beautiful maiden began to sing.

Her voice was low, almost a whispering breath and as clear as a bell as her voice rose. She was singing not just in English but a mixture of Latin, French and a language that sounded like Egyptian but wasn't Egyptian.

She sang about a forgotten world where life was sweet and full of love until its destruction by a foreign invader. She hummed to the tune as each instrument stopped their playing until it was only her humming that kept the lost music alive. Her hum became a soft sign. A silence followed when no one knew what to do. The spell was broken and the crowd, Mister Tull and the apprentices clapped enthusiastically and someone called for an encore.


I love the description here but maybe you could have added more on the music that was played so the read can actually hear the music itself.

It's clear and grey like yours.


I didn’t know what you were talking about here so maybe Monessa could say: ‘My eyes are clear and grey like yours...’

Their just like yours


Correction: They’re

You're not worth 50p let alone a pound.


I had to laugh at that.

Marcus took out his hand and in his hand was a small glass bottle with dark red liquid in it.


Try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence, unless you really have to. This part could read: Marcus took out a small bottle... etc

He stuck his tongue out.


This is what I used to do as a kid.

The gypsies and the circus people were not leaving until the end of summer and were already downstairs making more noise than usual. The gypsies had not sold much of their collection of jewellery and painted pots, more than magicians the commoners despised the gypsies. He felt sorry for them; he knew what it was like to be hated and unwanted. There was a knock on his door and a few seconds later Blake was sitting beside him on the window sill, just like she had done well she was recovering from her accident.


I reckon this should be a new paragraph.

"He's always inviting them for the fête every summer and even though they don't like us they come along anyway."


I know a few people just like that.

Over the last few years the master was growing more weary and spent more time shut in his study and saw no one apart from the Butler who took him a the daily newspaper and post, and his meals.


There needs to be a comma after ‘Butler’. ‘who took him a the daily newspaper and post, and his meals’ take out the ‘a’ and the first ‘and’ replace it with ‘his’.

It was no that Sebastian realised


Correction: now

They were given a new timetable for the year and Sebastian found he would not always be in the same class as Blake.


A new paragraph since you’ve moved on from Monessa’s behaviour.

When you have finish bring it to me


Correction: finished.

This is really good, as Adam said I was kept interested from start to finish. I love how you created a world that is much like ours but with demons (daimons) and magicians.

I liked the idea of the master testing his pupils and trying to get them to defend themselves.

You could add a glossary so we understand what type of daimons there are, what Summonings do and what are Continuums? It’ll be much easier to understand.

I hope my suggestions helped. :D
In all the time we have
There is never enough time
To show what is in our heart.





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Thu Feb 23, 2006 3:57 pm
Myth says...



Thanks Noxious, I'm editing this soon with the glossary, most of the meanings and stuff I posted with my Wind Rider story. I'm posting the next part now, it's not much.
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'...'





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Thu Feb 23, 2006 4:05 pm
Myth says...



(Under Major Rewrite)
Last edited by Myth on Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:26 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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'...'





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Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:42 pm
Araidne says...



This was verry good ! I hope you will write a sequeal =D>
Out flew the web, and floated wide,
The mirror cracked from side to side.
'The curse has come upon me' cried
The Lady of Shalott





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Fri Feb 24, 2006 10:33 am
Myth says...



Araidne wrote:This was verry good ! I hope you will write a sequeal =D>


Sequel? Don't you mean to continue writing this one? I do have another story for this called Oracle's Fate/Destiny but that's just in plans.

Thanks for reading and welcome to the site. :wink:
.: ₪ :.

'...'





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Fri Feb 24, 2006 4:11 pm
Nox says...



I really liked how you described how the daimon appeared.

Then came the twinkling swirls that gave off a refulgent light, the silver was shapeless until the paws of a white lioness appeared followed by the rest of her body. She yawned and stretched herself with boredom.
In all the time we have
There is never enough time
To show what is in our heart.





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Sat Feb 25, 2006 2:40 pm
Myth says...



I didn't want to repeat how the daimon appeared when Monessa summoned Sancha so I tried to make it quite short, I may change it.

I'm giving this story a rest for a while, I need to think about the next parts especially when the Oracle comes to see Monessa.
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'...'





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Fri Mar 10, 2006 4:44 pm
Myth says...



(Under Major Rewrite)
Last edited by Myth on Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:27 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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'...'





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Fri Mar 10, 2006 7:11 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Wow, this is briliant! Sure, there are a few spelling mistakes / typos, but they can be fixed. I like the style of writing that you've used - I know someone's already said that but I had to mention it as well... :wink:

Not too sure I quite understood that last paragraph very well; it was a dream, right?

There are a few things I should point out in the last entry, but I can't do that right this second - am going out soon - but will do it as soon as I can.

Keep up the good work!


~KayJuran~





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Sat Mar 11, 2006 3:44 pm
Myth says...



I'm really glad you enjoyed it. The last part was a dream but its also a flashback an a vision all at the same time because she was seeing what happened from above and was also remembering what had happened in the lake.

Thanks alot for reading! :D
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'...'





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Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:08 pm
Myth says...



(Under Major Rewrite)
Last edited by Myth on Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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'...'





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Mon Mar 20, 2006 4:38 pm
Araidne says...



PLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE hurry and write more!!!!!! I am begging you!!!!! PLEASE!! =D>
Out flew the web, and floated wide,
The mirror cracked from side to side.
'The curse has come upon me' cried
The Lady of Shalott





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820 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 820
Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:39 am
Myth says...



Er.. right. I'm working on the next part and I prmise it will be a very very long read and after afew more posts I'll not continue the story because it'll be part two and I don't want to give away any more plots.

Thank you for reading.
.: ₪ :.

'...'








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