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A New Sun Has Risen



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Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:02 pm
albert says...



Johann passed a note to his classmate behind him. “Psst,” he whispered, “Give this to Sieglinde.” Johann pretended to read his book. He gulped and loosened the tightness of his neckband. His feet tapped involuntarily. Johann stared at the teacher drawing the fishlike skeletal structure of a megalodon.

“Now class,” the teacher said. “Who can tell me the biochemical difference between a drops and a marin?” None of Johann’s fourteen to fifteen-year-old peers responded. The teacher droned. “How about you, Johann?”

Johann gasped, blinked and stood. “Huh, um, uh…apple juice?”

His classmates laughed and giggled. The teacher Mrs. Liselotte shook her head in dismay. The class bell tolled. “The golden bell has sounded, you may all leave,” she said monotonously.

“Nice.” Wiebe patted Johann’s shoulder. “You should try orange juice next time.”

Johann sighed. “If she doesn’t accept, will you come with me instead?”

“Sorry, buddy. I’m not a big circus fan. Good luck on saying you love her.” He walked to the door. “Later!”

Johann sat and clutched his hair. “Oh man,” he mumbled, sinking his head onto his book, “please say yes, please say yes, please say—”

“Yes,” a sweet voice said. It was Sieglinde, Johann’s ravishing classmate and crush since he began studying at the Marina Alberta Academy. “What?” Sieglinde said and giggled, “Shall we go or not?” Her smile was like that of an angelic valkyrie or goddess.

Johann jumped from his seat and yelled, “Yahoo!”

“It’s not a thumbs up you know,” Reinhold said with a wide grin, “I asked her first.” It was Reinhold, Johann’s long time rival.

“What?” Johann said in anger and disbelief.

Reinhold held Sieglinde’s waist. “She’s my girl you know.”

“You’re lying! Get your hands off her!” Johann prepared to fight.

“Now, now. No need for battles.” Sieglinde stood in the between the two boys. “Besides—none of you invited me; I myself decided to go to the circus.”

“If she says so,” Reinhold said and shrugged.

Johann sighed and went along. Today was the opening of the Hildebrand circus, a traveling caravan marveled by most children of New-Midgard. As the three student novices walked out of the school, a little girl ran toward Johann. “Hey!” she exclaimed. “You promised to bring me to the show.”

Johann scratched his head. “Sorry, Lysanne; I forgot. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Sieglinde crouched. “Why hello there.” She faced Johann. “You didn’t tell me you had a cute, little sister.”

“I um, ah.” Johann did not know what words to say. Reinhold smirked.

“How old are you?” Sieglinde asked my sister Lysanne.

“Ten,” she replied. “But I’m gonna be eleven next month. I wanna be like daddy—a real strong hero!” Lysanne mimicked a swordsman slashing the air with a blade.

“Oh alright,” Johann said with feigned cheerfulness. “You can tag along.”

“Yippie!” Lysanne hopped and danced around.

The four of them walked onto the dirty white paved roads. The houses were topped with majestic blue roofs similar to the hue of the seaside. Johann planned to take Sieglinde’s hand.

“Are we there yet?” Lysanne interrupted. “I’m tired. Give me a ride, big brother!”

Johann sighed and carried Lysanne on his shoulders. “Yippie!” she said, holding Johann’s head, “Peco-peco ride!”

“Hey, cut it out,” Johann said with a slight laugh.

“Wow, you’re quite strong,” Sieglinde praised.

Reinhold flaunted his biceps. “You should see me carry cargo.”

“No one’s asking,” Johann said to him. “Lysanne’s been on a diet.”

“I see.” Sieglinde giggled. “So, are you planning to be a swordsman like your father?”

“Um, I don’t know yet,” Johann replied. “How ‘bout you? What’ll you do after we graduate?”

She stood and faced the waterfront. The sun nearly touched the horizon; its orange rays painted the roaring sea. Glum boats floated by the silent harbor as the cool breeze brushed through the novices’ hair. “Business is all there is in this town,” she said staring at the machineries lifting loads of goods. “This was once a marina. Alberta’s ships were once used for cruise and adventure. I don’t know why anyone would ban such pleasure.”

Johann put his sister down. “I’m sure the government had reasons for banning them.”

“Why won’t they tell us why? We have the right to see the outside world.”

Johann held her hand. “Yeah. I wish I could see my dad in Prontera City.”

Reinhold held her other hand. “It’s not like the Schwaltzvalt government is hiding something. There’s nothing to worry about, Sieglinde my dear.”

Sieglinde broke free from the two boys’ hands. “I’ll see the outside world! That’s what I’ll do after we graduate.” She sighed. “I envy those traveling performers.”

“Come on!” Lysanne said. “The show’s about to start!”

The three classmates nodded and ran to the Sea Side Villa. The circus tent was huge and colorful from a distance’s view. As they neared the Villa, they heard a fun and entertaining music. “Faster!” Lysanne yelled.

Upon paying at the tent entrance, the four were astounded by the acrobatics performed. Four acrobats hung on trapezes and made backflips and somersaults in the air. An enchantress appeared on stage. She blew four large rings of fire with her mouth and gemmed staff. The four acrobats landed on each rings safely. A great applause from the audience followed.

Sieglinde and Lysanne seemed very delighted. Johann decided it was time to make his move. He stood next to Sieglinde and said, “Um, ah. I have something to tell you.”

“Not now,” she said. “It’s Hildebrand!”

The four acrobats vanished into smoke and the great clown Hildebrand appeared beside the lovely enchantress; the audience cheered. Hildebrand wore a white mask that covered half of his face. He had a long red cape and wore blue shining pants. “Welcome to the Hildebrand circus,” the clown said. “I hope you will enjoy our performance tonight, but first…”

Johann was preoccupied with his thoughts about Sieglinde. He heard Lysanne ask permission for something; Johann just nodded without knowing what she said.

The stunning enchantress created a large ball, and Hildebrand bounced onto it. The enchantress caused seven targets to appear all over the tent. She began passing knives to the clown, and he began juggling them. The audience was amazed and terrified by the stunt.

“Oh my,” Sieglinde said, clasping Johann’s arm. “He might get hurt.”

“That’s nothing,” Reinhold said. “I can do that with proper training.”

Johann coughed and blushed as Sieglinde’s soft hair touched his shoulder. “Sieglinde…”

“Yes?” she said tremblingly as Hildebrand juggled seven knives very quickly.

Johann pulled his neckband and breathed deeply. “I love you.”

Hildebrand hurled each knife toward each target’s bull’s eye—all except the last target. The audience gasped in shock as the knife plunged into a girl’s heart. Lysanne fell to the ground. The three classmates were motionless and silent. Johann sank to his knees and tremblingly touched his sister’s skin; he could not hold his tears from falling. “No…why did this happen?” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, Lysanne. If only I’d—”

Lysanne’s corpse jumped and somersaulted to the stage. The audience gasped as the enchantress transformed the last target into a little girl—Lysanne.

Hildebrand laughed. “You forget, I’m also a master monster trainer.” The supposedly dead Lysanne transformed into a ghostly Doppelganger. The audience cheered and chortled. Hildebrand called Johann to come up on stage. Johann wiped his tears and went to the stage. The audience laughed at him; Sieglinde and Reinhold also seemed to laugh.

“Ta-da! Gotcha, didn’t we!” Lysanne said gleefully. “I volunteered earlier, don’t you remember?”

Johann remained silent and embarrassed. Hildebrand, Lysanne, the Doppelganger, the enchantress and Johann joined hands and bowed before the audience. A great applause followed. Sieglinde was right—the outside world was indeed mysterious and exciting. Perhaps one day, both of us could see that world of truth.
©~~Alber† Ong~~©
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 6
Wed Jan 18, 2006 7:56 pm
*~Ginny~* says...



albert wrote:Johann passed a note to his classmate behind him. “Psst,” he whispered, “Give this to Sieglinde.” Johann pretended to read his book. He gulped and loosened the tightness of his neckband. His feet tapped involuntarily. Johann stared at the teacher drawing the fishlike skeletal structure of a megalodon. What is a megalodon? also the text in blue is not relevent to the plot

“Now class,” the teacher said. “Who can tell me the biochemical difference between a drops and a marin?” None of Johann’s fourteen to fifteen-year-old peers responded. The teacher droned. “How about you, Johann?”

Johann gasped, blinked and stood. “Huh, um, uh…apple juice?”

His classmates laughed and giggled. The teacher Mrs. Liselotte shook her head in dismay. The class bell tolled. “The golden bell has sounded, you may all leave,” she said monotonously.

“Nice.” Wiebe patted Johann’s shoulder. “You should try orange juice next time.” [/color=blue]

Johann sighed. “If she doesn’t accept, will you come with me instead?” Who??

[color=black]“Sorry, buddy. I’m not a big circus fan. Good luck on saying you love her.” He walked to the door. “Later!”

Johann sat and clutched his hair. “Oh man,” he mumbled, sinking his head onto his book, “please say yes, please say yes, please say—”

“Yes,” a sweet voice said. It was Sieglinde, Johann’s ravishing classmate and crush since he began studying at the Marina Alberta Academy. “What?” Sieglinde said and giggled, “Shall we go or not?” Her smile was like that of an angelic valkyrie or goddess.

Johann jumped from his seat and yelled, “Yahoo!”

“It’s not a thumbs up you know,” Reinhold said with a wide grin, “I asked her first.” It was Reinhold, Johann’s long time rival.

“What?” Johann said in anger and disbelief.

Reinhold held Sieglinde’s waist. “She’s my girl you know.”

“You’re lying! Get your hands off her!” Johann prepared to fight.

“Now, now. No need for battles.” Sieglinde stood in the between the two boys. “Besides—none of you invited me; I myself decided to go to the circus.”

“If she says so,” Reinhold said and shrugged.

Johann sighed and went along. Today was the opening of the Hildebrand circus, a traveling caravan marveled by most children of New-Midgard. As the three student novices walked out of the school, a little girl ran toward Johann. “Hey!” she exclaimed. “You promised to bring me to the show.”

Johann scratched his head. “Sorry, Lysanne; I forgot. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Sieglinde crouched. “Why hello there.” She faced Johann. “You didn’t tell me you had a cute, little sister.”

“I um, ah.” Johann did not know what words to say. Reinhold smirked.

“How old are you?” Sieglinde asked my sister Lysanne.
You seem to have gone off view point here.

“Ten,” she replied. “But I’m gonna be eleven next month. I wanna be like daddy—a real strong hero!” Lysanne mimicked a swordsman slashing the air with a blade.

“Oh alright,” Johann said with feigned cheerfulness. “You can tag along.”

“Yippie!” Lysanne hopped and danced around.

The four of them walked onto the dirty white paved roads. The houses were topped with majestic blue roofs similar to the hue of the seaside. Johann planned to take Sieglinde’s hand.

“Are we there yet?” Lysanne interrupted. “I’m tired. Give me a ride, big brother!”

Johann sighed and carried Lysanne on his shoulders. “Yippie!” she said, holding Johann’s head, “Peco-peco ride!”

“Hey, cut it out,” Johann said with a slight laugh.

“Wow, you’re quite strong,” Sieglinde praised.

Reinhold flaunted his biceps. “You should see me carry cargo.”

“No one’s asking,” Johann said to him. “Lysanne’s been on a diet.”

“I see.” Sieglinde giggled. “So, are you planning to be a swordsman like your father?”

“Um, I don’t know yet,” Johann replied. “How ‘bout you? What’ll you do after we graduate?”

She stood and faced the waterfront. The sun nearly touched the horizon; its orange rays painted the roaring sea. Glum boats floated by the silent harbor as the cool breeze brushed through the novices’ hair. “Business is all there is in this town,” she said staring at the machineries lifting loads of goods. “This was once a marina. Alberta’s ships were once used for cruise and adventure. I don’t know why anyone would ban such pleasure.”
This paragraph isn't relevent to the plot

Johann put his sister down. “I’m sure the government had reasons for banning them.”[color=red]Ban who?

“Why won’t they tell us why? We have the right to see the outside world.”

Johann held her hand. “Yeah. I wish I could see my dad in Prontera City.”

Reinhold held her other hand. “It’s not like the Schwaltzvalt government is hiding something. There’s nothing to worry about, Sieglinde my dear.”

Sieglinde broke free from the two boys’ hands. “I’ll see the outside world! That’s what I’ll do after we graduate.” She sighed. “I envy those traveling performers.”

“Come on!” Lysanne said. “The show’s about to start!”

The three classmates nodded and ran to the Sea Side Villa. The circus tent was huge and colorful from a distance’s view. As they neared the Villa, they heard a fun and entertaining music. “Faster!” Lysanne yelled.

Upon paying at the tent entrance, the four were astounded by the acrobatics performed. Four acrobats hung on trapezes and made backflips and somersaults in the air. An enchantress appeared on stage. She blew four large rings of fire with her mouth and gemmed staff. The four acrobats landed on each rings safely. A great applause from the audience followed.

Sieglinde and Lysanne seemed very delighted. Johann decided it was time to make his move. He stood next to Sieglinde and said, “Um, ah. I have something to tell you.”

“Not now,” she said. “It’s Hildebrand!”

The four acrobats vanished into smoke and the great clown Hildebrand appeared beside the lovely enchantress; the audience cheered. Hildebrand wore a white mask that covered half of his face. He had a long red cape and wore blue shining pants. “Welcome to the Hildebrand circus,” the clown said. “I hope you will enjoy our performance tonight, but first…”

Johann was preoccupied with his thoughts about Sieglinde. He heard Lysanne ask permission for something; Johann just nodded without knowing what she said.

The stunning enchantress created a large ball, and Hildebrand bounced onto it. The enchantress caused seven targets to appear all over the tent. She began passing knives to the clown, and he began juggling them. The audience was amazed and terrified by the stunt.

“Oh my,” Sieglinde said, clasping Johann’s arm. “He might get hurt.”

“That’s nothing,” Reinhold said. “I can do that with proper training.”

Johann coughed and blushed as Sieglinde’s soft hair touched his shoulder. “Sieglinde…”

“Yes?” she said tremblingly as Hildebrand juggled seven knives very quickly.

Johann pulled his neckband and breathed deeply. “I love you.”

Hildebrand hurled each knife toward each target’s bull’s eye—all except the last target. The audience gasped in shock as the knife plunged into a girl’s heart. Lysanne fell to the ground. The three classmates were motionless and silent. Johann sank to his knees and tremblingly touched his sister’s skin; he could not hold his tears from falling. “No…why did this happen?” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, Lysanne. If only I’d—” [color=red]This seems to have been all of a sudden. Maybe you should of elaborated on it. Such as, made this the main plot


Lysanne’s corpse jumped and somersaulted to the stage. The audience gasped as the enchantress transformed the last target into a little girl—Lysanne. What does this part mean?

Hildebrand laughed. “You forget, I’m also a master monster trainer.” The supposedly dead Lysanne transformed into a ghostly Doppelganger. The audience cheered and chortled. Hildebrand called Johann to come up on stage. Johann wiped his tears and went to the stage. The audience laughed at him; Sieglinde and Reinhold also seemed to laugh.

“Ta-da! Gotcha, didn’t we!” Lysanne said gleefully. “I volunteered earlier, don’t you remember?”

Johann remained silent and embarrassed. Hildebrand, Lysanne, the Doppelganger, the enchantress and Johann joined hands and bowed before the audience. A great applause followed. Sieglinde was right—the outside world was indeed mysterious and exciting. Perhaps one day, both of us could see that world of truth. [/color]


You have great ideas for this. However, there was no plot. I kept getting lost amongst all the ideas you had.You must elaborate on things such as this new world. I was more interested in that then the circus, or the fact he got the girl. Finally, i felt the story was rushed from start to finish. You packed so much in, i could not get round things.
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 221
Sun Jan 22, 2006 4:34 am
Elelel says...



Well, I saw a developing plot there. And while it was a little too fast, but really it's not that bad. Nothing a little editing and planning can't fix. A lot was packed in, and that would really spread over a greater area easily, but the ideas were pretty good, and I was fairly interested him getting the girl. If you include a lot about the circus, and I don't really think it was too much, it would be good if it came into the plot later. The trick with his sister, right now I can't see any connection with the plot, but later ... who knows?

I think Ginny assumed this is a whole story. It seems to me like a segmant. If you assume it is merely the beginning of a much longer story, then the relevance of bits and pieces are a lot different.

No ... the text in blue that Ginny highlighted is relvent. You don't need to cut out everything but plot, character development is very important too, and if you ask me that first bit fits easily enough into that catagory. It's a good place to start too. It get's us involved.

It's not perfect. It would benifit with a little description here and there, that would also help with making it appear less rushed. Your dialogue's pretty good. Some times the characters don't quite sounds like they're saying something they really would say, but it all flows quite nicely.

Ginny has some good points that she's written in her quote thingie.

“It’s not a thumbs up you know,” Reinhold said with a wide grin, “I asked her first.” It was Reinhold, Johann’s long time rival.

Here, you've told us that Reinhold said it ... then after a bit more dialogue said "it was Reinhold". Maybe if you just said a boy [insert some description here] said it, and then at the end the "it was Reinhold" bit fits in nicely.

Reinhold held Sieglinde’s waist. “She’s my girl you know.”

Here, it doesn't ever say he let go of her waist. If I was that girl (although I'm pretty different so this probably wouldn't count for anything) and he was just assuming he could do that when I hadn't actually said I'd go out with him, I would at least make him let go. Depending on how much I liked him I might get annoyed too. But, I'm a completely different person.

“Yes,” a sweet voice said. It was Sieglinde, Johann’s ravishing classmate and crush since he began studying at the Marina Alberta Academy. “What?” Sieglinde said and giggled, “Shall we go or not?” Her smile was like that of an angelic valkyrie or goddess.

Don't make her perfect. Please don't make her perfect. This is just a warning, because as of yet everything's fine, but it may turn out that she's perfect. It's really annoying when you read about an absolutely perfect character. You know, smart, beautiful, friendly, sweet ... *shudder*. It can get to the point where the read starts to really hate that character. Just keep an eye on this.

I'm really interested about this world. It seems a bit viking like. That type of people anyway. With a government. It's interesting.

Isn't a megalodon a type of really big extinct shark? I kind of knew that, or I think I do at any rate, but you may want to put about half a sentence or something just to let the audience know. It's better than doing a marine animal everyone knows about though, because it makes the story that much more in depth and real.
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You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World