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Young Writers Society


The Town



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76 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1457
Reviews: 76
Wed Jul 13, 2011 12:07 am
Formslipper says...



This was spontaneous. I fancy that there's a bit of symbolism tucked away in this piece somewhere, but who knows?

***

The wind is chill at this time of day, when the Town’s people are busy. They won't speak for fear of the Administrator’s scolding. For, when that old and crotchety excuse for a religious leader comes about to inspect the Town and its inhabitants, if there is any sort of laziness or awful behavior, then he lashes out with a bit of an unpromising tongue, threatening hellfire and chaos and whatnot.

Of course, his imagination is very limited, tending to rest in the realm of all things terrible and unavoidable. To him, everything is a malicious threat bound to destroy us all.

We go to Assembly every now and then, and there he is, speaking of condemnation and our awful nature. And yet, when we go about our daily occupations, nothing seems to be either condemnable or awful except him.

I’ve always been a man of various reservations, never discontent about the Town, always fearful of what might happen if I were to leave. But one day, despite my many fears, I actually did leave, and it was quite refreshing.

Indeed, I had only to relieve myself, and there were simply too many persons implementing my inn’s only outhouse that I decided to simply walk out of the Town’s gates- only a few innocent meters, mind you- to relieve myself there. Then, I reasoned, I would come back without a scratch on me. What could be so bad about that?

But then, all of a sudden, I saw a troll about triple my size staring out from a briar in the distant tree line! Everything about not leaving came rushing back, and all I could do was stand there, mortified. It’s not as if I never really respected the Administrator’s lectures, but rather that I’ve always found him- well- archaic, old, dusty, unenlightened.

Immediately, I booked for the gate. Once inside, I tried to look like someone does after not seeing a troll. My face didn’t work for long, though, seeing as one of the bratty children began toying with me the moment I arrived.

“He left, he left! Mum, look! It’s a man who’s gone out of our gates. And his pants are undone, too!”

I tied my leather pants and ran for the middle of the Town, where I’d be least suspected to have left. I silently wondered if the troll would knock down the gates and barge in… But why would anyone want to come here?

A bell rang from the white bell tower. Everyone knows the sound of Assembly.

***


“Come in! Come in!”

No one is allowed to refuse the cheery, oily-faced welcoming group. No one is allowed to leave once the Assembly’s started. No one is allowed to leave the Town, even for an innocent piss!

I was feeling very devilish as I sat on a rickety chair among my fellow Townspeople. They were all so faithful, so rule following and non-leaving. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for what I’d done.

What would the Administrator think? His rolls of fat and multi-layered chin and booming voice and hollow eyes continually reminded me that staying put was mandatory.

Surely, I had broken a serious law. Surely, I would be put in the stocks or worse. Surely, that troll was one of the most exhilarating and earthy things I had ever seen!

It was a stark revelation that there was a world outside mine. It showed me that my world was drab and boring. Something was missing. My world had shut out the trolls; my world was too confined.

These musings darkened my mood, and discouraged me. I wanted to see the troll again, and perhaps not be so sooty as to turn and run.

So, I endeavored to go a little further next time, perhaps even to invite the troll to Assembly. But, all things regarded, why would he want to come?

There was a fierce oddity about the outside world, about the trolls, about the breathy trees. As I sang the words to a pithy song and leaned back in my squeaky chair, I realized that the troll had actually grinned at me- a toothy, spirited grin.

Does he know something I don’t?
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2918
Reviews: 26
Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:20 am
Skylar16 says...



Hi, I'm Sky and I will be reviewing your work today. I have put my corrections into a spoiler so it's not taking up a ton of space.

Spoiler! :
The wind is chilly at this time of day, when the Town’s people are busy. They won't speak for fear of the Administrator’s scolding. For, when that old and crotchety excuse for a religious leader comes about to inspect the Town and its inhabitants, if there are any signs of laziness or awful behavior, then he lashes out with a bit of an unpromising tongue, threatening hellfire and chaos and whatnot. You could cut the “and whatnot” out and it would still make sense here. To me, it flows better.

Of course, his imagination is very limited, tending to rest in the realm of all things terrible and unavoidable. To him, everything is a malicious threat bound to destroy us all.

We go to Assembly every now and then, and there he is, speaking of condemnation and our awful nature. And yet, when we go about our daily occupations, nothing seems to be either condemnable or awful, except him.

I’ve always been a man of various reservations, never discontent with the Town, always fearful of what might happen if I were to leave. But one day, despite my many fears, I actually did leave, and it was quite refreshing.

Indeed, I had only to relieve myself, and there were simply too many persons implementing my inn’s only outhouse that I decided to simply walk out of the Town’s gates- only a few innocent meters, mind you- to relieve myself there. Then, I reasoned, I would come back without a scratch on me. What could be so bad about that?

But then, all of a sudden, I saw a troll about triple my size staring out from a briar in the distant tree line! Everything about not leaving came rushing back, and all I could do was stand there, mortified. It’s not as if I never really respected the Administrator’s lectures, but rather that I’ve always found him- well- archaic, old, dusty, unenlightened.

Immediately, I booked for the gate. Once inside, I tried to look like someone does after not seeing a troll. My face didn’t work for long, though, seeing as one of the bratty children began toying with me the moment I arrived.

“He left, he left! Mum, look! It’s a man who’s gone out of our gates. And his pants are undone, too!”

I tied my leather pants and ran for the middle of the Town, where I’d be least suspected to have left. I silently wondered if the troll would knock down the gates and barge in… But why would anyone want to come here?

A bell rang from the white bell tower. Everyone knows the sound of Assembly.

***

“Come in! Come in!”

No one is allowed to refuse the cheery, oily-faced welcoming group. No one is allowed to leave once the Assembly’s started. No one is allowed to leave the Town, even for an innocent piss!

I was feeling very devilish as I sat on a rickety chair among my fellow Townspeople. They were all so faithful, so rule following and non-leaving. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for what I’d done.

What would the Administrator think? His rolls of fat, multi-layered chin and booming voice and hollow eyes continually reminded me that staying put was mandatory.

Surely, I had broken a serious law. Surely, I would be put in the stocks or worse. Surely, that troll was one of the most exhilarating and earthy things I had ever seen!

It was a stark revelation that there was a world outside mine. It showed me that my world was drab and boring. Something was missing. My world had shut out the trolls; my world was too confined.

These musings darkened my mood, and discouraged me. I wanted to see the troll again, and perhaps not be so sooty as to turn and run.

So, I endeavored to go a little further next time, perhaps even to invite the troll to Assembly. But, all things regarded, why would he want to come?

There was a fierce oddity about the outside world, about the trolls, about the breathy trees. As I sang the words to a pithy song and leaned back in my squeaky chair, I realized that the troll had actually grinned at me- a toothy, spirited grin.

Does he know something I don’t?



First off let me say that this was a very good story. It was really suspenseful and had me wanting to keep reading more. I liked the story a lot and have to say that it read like a Victorian story, which sort of gave it like a Edgar Allen Poe feel, you know? It makes me want to keep reading and find out what is this town and why is there a ban on leaving. There were very few mistakes that I found which I have highlighted, but you can take them as you will. Over all I liked the story. :D
When people ask me, why are you so weird, I never know what to say. Then I think, why should I be like this when I can be like ttthhhiiiisss?
  





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43 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 629
Reviews: 43
Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:01 pm
AlyKat says...



Hi :D I'm Aly so I'll be reviewing for you today


For, when that old and crotchety excuse for a religious leader comes about to inspect the Town and its inhabitants, if there is any sort of laziness or awful behavior, then he lashes out with a bit of an unpromising tongue, threatening hellfire and chaos and whatnot. (( It's run on sentence, but I LOVE the first line with humor))

Surely, I had broken a serious law. Surely, I would be put in the stocks or worse. Surely, that troll was one of the most exhilarating and earthy things I had ever seen! (( The word earthy sounds like it doesn't blend it with the rest of the sentence))

It was a stark revelation that there was a world outside of mine.

I love your voice in writing!!! :)
Oompa Loompa something something something :)
  





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32 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1950
Reviews: 32
Fri Jul 22, 2011 12:19 am
Starrywolf says...



Firstly, I like your writing style. At least as this character, the style seemed to give an essence of familiarity.
The story seemed to move at a nice pace, and I didn't see any mistakes worth noting. The air of mystery was kept constant, witch isn't something I can say for some other stories I've read.
I can't really find something to point out, so... good work.
  








If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner