z

Young Writers Society


The Key of Endril: The Key Returns



User avatar
15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1075
Reviews: 15
Wed Jul 06, 2011 2:30 am
Wolfdra says...



Alright, so this is the excerpt and the prolouge to a book that I started a little over a year ago, but I'm not going to be posting it. I'm mostly wanting to see if one, this is actually a good idea, and two, I want to see where and what I can improve. Anyway, on with the book.

----------

The red liquid ever so slowly trickled down Jason’s forehead as he stared down his captors. Blood had begun to blind his vision, but he shook his head to get it out of his eyes. Red droplets cascaded down to the stone floor around him. His captors watched his vain attempts to get loose from the chains that bound him to the wall. The woman stepped up to him, eyeing him with quiet contempt. She said nothing, but brushed her fingers along his cheekbone. He involuntarily sucked in a breath at her touch, but not because it enticed him. “Boy,” she started, almost a whisper, “if the Keyowner comes to your aid, she will die along with you. It doesn’t need to be like that, if you choose to… cooperate with us.” She said, smiling slyly.

He sneered and simply spat, “You keep forgetting about her abilities. She’s going to destroy you when she finally gets here.” The woman pulled back from him and stared at him as if he’d just spoken nonsense. A quick blow to his cheek was swiftly delivered by her hand, forcing him to look the other way. He forced himself not to grimace from the pain. She turned to the man behind her, who was brandishing a bloodied weapon in each of his hands. A club was held in his left hand and a knife was held in his right hand, respectfully.

“Keep trying for information, I suspect that she’ll be here by sundown.” The man nodded at her command but remained in place. She looked back at Jason with scorn, her lips pulling back just enough to show long canine teeth. “I suggest you start praying to whatever God you love that the Keyowner does come for you. Because if she’s doesn’t, you’re going to be adorning the dining hall.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Prologue


~~~~~~~~~~~~


As the tale goes, the Key of Endril was forged in a small village in England during one of England’s darkest times. Rumors had started to surround the Key that told of riches beyond anyone’s wildest dreams that would lead to fame; maybe even more. Most of those rumors were just wives’ tales though. It was eventually stolen from the blacksmith that made it and it made its way through many generations. People would steal the Key without knowing its true worth.

Those that did would kill for it. It had been pointed out by historians that whoever held the Key did not often hold onto it for very long. Through the centuries, it had been all around the globe, most recent it had found its way to North America. It was now to be found in a pawn shop in Portland, Oregon, which is where we begin…

~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Hm… What should I get?” A young woman wondered. She looked to be about sixteen years old, though her height at five feet, eight inches often led people to believe otherwise. Her light brown hair was draped lazily over her shoulders as she hovered over a glass case of items. The excess of her hair rested in the hood of a sapphire blue jacket. An ebony black shirt was noticeable underneath as the jacket was not zipped to full length. Her shoes were just barely visible under the denim cuffs of her jeans, though what was visible was a dirtied white canvas. She moved gracefully towards one of the shelves and lifted a jar with slender fingers, taking great care to not drop it. Her crystal clear aqua eyes scanned the hand-painting done on the jar, taking in all of the details. Not a moment later, she set it back down, having grown disinterested with it.

Turning a complete, full circle she was now facing the front counter. She went over to the counter and scanned the items for anything of interest. A lone key caught her eye, it almost demanded her attention. She stared at it for several minutes before she pulled her eyes from it. She looked over to the middle-aged man that was minding the shop. He was unkempt, a stark contrast to herself. He had stubble on his jaw and upper lip and his black hair looked rather greasy. Maybe he had put too much gel in his hair or maybe he hadn’t showered for a few days. For his age he looked to be unusually strong. The muscles in his arms were well-developed; she figured he might have been in a past job that required heavy lifting on his part. He wore a faded navy blue t-shirt that did nothing to hide his muscular chest and arms. He had a rather plain looking belt that accented some dark-wash jeans he also wore.

“Hey, mister,” the teenager asked, “Could I take a look at that?” He looked over to her for clarification. As she pointed to the key, he went to the case and withdrew it; lastly holding it out for her to grasp.

As she lifted it up, the cold touch of steel sent a shiver through her arm. Just what was that? She shook it off as nothing and examined the key more closely. The metal didn’t look like it had aged a day as it kept the look of newly pressed metal. But for a key to be in a pawn shop, she knew it must have been older than that. The design of the key itself had three nickel-sized circles on the handle of the key and two teeth at the end of it. The length of the key, she guessed, was about five inches and it was small enough in width that she could close her fingers around it comfortably.

What a strange design for a key. Keys surely weren’t made like this anymore; that was for certain. Turning it over in her hands, she saw that the teeth of the key had gold painted on one of the tooth ends and black on the other. That was even stranger. She looked back at the shop owner, who was watching her now, before turning her attention to the key again.

“Do you know how much this is? I want to buy it, if I can.” She asked, looking back at him as she did. The older man watched her, summing her up for himself before he nodded.

“It’s only two dollars; it was brought in about a year ago by a woman who said she needed some extra cash. No one’s even batted an eye at it besides you, little miss.” The man said in a gruff tone. It sounded as if he had smoked his entire life, though the shop didn’t carry the familiar scent that came with it. The teenager took out a wallet from her back pocket and pulled out two dollars, setting it on the counter. He took it without a word and put it into the register.
He turned back to her to say his usual pitch of, ‘Thank you for doing business with us,’ but she was half way to the door. He had started to call something after her; however she had already fled down the street. He shook his head to himself and went to the back, as there had been no other customers in the store.

Her feet carried her down the street swiftly as she turned the key over and over again in her hands. So many thoughts about the strange key raced through her mind. What was it used for? Could it be just an ordinary key? She grinned at the thought of her mother’s surprise when she was to bring this back home, not to mention the questions she’d ask. ‘Erika Wyatt, why did you bring a key home? We don’t need one.’ Erika smirked slyly and put the key into safekeeping in her jean pocket. When she turned the corner of 82nd and Powell, she noticed a small rock. Since she was a child, she had loved to kick a rock along the street as she walked, it had always entertained her.

Reliving the need to do so again, she kicked it down the street, and kicked it again when she reached it. Instead, when she had kicked it, the rock went flying into the hood of an SUV. As the rock impacted, the sound of metal being crushed could be heard. She stared at the hood of the car; her eyes grew large at the sight. The rock had left a very large and very noticeable dent in the hood of the car. It was almost as if a baseball bat had been swung into the hood. The alarm started to whine loudly, alerting its owner that damage had been caused. Erika stared on in shock and dismay; she knew she was the one that had caused it. What had even happened anyway? There was no possible way that a rock, that was smaller than her fist, could have done that much damage to an SUV.

Police cars drew ever closer, their sirens were blazing loud and clear. As soon as she came to realize this, she took off as fast as she could, reaching 52nd and Powell in a matter of minutes. She quickly turned onto 52nd avenue and ducked into a nearby bookstore, forcing herself to act as if nothing had happened.

Erika waited at least a half an hour for the shock and the police to leave. She had bought a book that she hadn’t needed, which was ironically about cars, before she left. She went down Powell Boulevard now, having tossed the book next to a trash can for some lucky soul to find. She was going to catch one of the buses back home; maybe when she was calmer, she could sort through what had happened back there to that car.

If there actually was an explanation for something like that.
"'Death happens,' as we like to say. 'And when I get paid for it, death happens more often.'"

"La shai'a waqi'on motlaq bal kollon momken."

"We are all books containing thousands of pages and within each of them lies an irreparable truth."

Rest in peace, Harry. <3
  





User avatar
32 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1673
Reviews: 32
Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:57 am
..:Ced:.. says...



Hey there,

Well I definately think you have a good concept for a story here, and it's something you should pursue. I'll just point out a few of the things that could be changed though:

The red liquid ever so slowly trickled down Jason’s forehead as he stared down his captors.


You've used the word 'down' twice in this sentence, and too close together. Also the words 'ever so' are uneccesary. I would suggest changing it to something like, "The red liquid slowly trickled down Jason's forehead, as he stared at his captors below him." I'd also suggest changing the word 'trickled' to 'oozed' or 'seeped'. They sound darker then 'trickled' and suit the tone of your story a little better.

“Boy,” she started, almost a whisper,


I know what you're trying to say, but it doesn't quite make sense when worded like this. You could possibly try - "Boy" she hissed". Also, her speaking should be a new paragraph.

He sneered and simply spat, “You keep forgetting about her abilities. She’s going to destroy you when she finally gets here.” (new paragraph)The woman pulled back from him and stared at him as if he’d just(remove this word) spoken nonsense. A quick blow to his cheek was swiftly delivered by her hand, forcing him to look the other way. He forced himself not to grimace from the pain. She turned to the man behind her, who was brandishing a bloodied weapon in each of his hands. A club was held in his left hand and a knife was held in his right hand, respectfully.This sentence is also uneccesary


“Hm… What should I get?” A young woman wondered. She looked to be about sixteen years old, though her height at five feet, eight inches often led people to believe otherwise.


I don't think you need to give us her exact height. Simply saying "though her height often led people to believe otherwise" would be sufficient.

The excess of her hair rested in the hood of a sapphire blue jacket. An ebony black shirt was noticeable underneath as the jacket was not zipped to full length. Her shoes were just barely visible under the denim cuffs of her jeans, though what was visible was a dirtied white canvas. She moved gracefully towards one of the shelves and lifted a jar with slender fingers, taking great care to not drop it. Her crystal clear aqua eyes scanned the hand-painting done on the jar, taking in all of the details. Not a moment later, she set it back down, having grown disinterested with it.


The words underlined are just a little too descriptive. Too much description can be confusing.

He was unkempt, a stark contrast to herself. He had stubble on his jaw and upper lip and his black hair looked rather greasy. Maybe he had put too much gel in his hair or maybe he hadn’t showered for a few days. For his age he looked to be unusually strong. The muscles in his arms were well-developed; she figured he might have been in a past job that required heavy lifting on his part. He wore a faded navy blue t-shirt that did nothing to hide his muscular chest and arms. He had a rather plain looking belt that accented some dark-wash jeans he also wore.
Again, just a little to much. It's great to convey with the reader what he looks like, but don't go over the top. The fact that he's unkempt but rather well built is all we need to know.

He shook his head to himself and went to the back, as there had been no other customers in the store.
Unless this is vital information in the story, we don't need to know.

Police cars drew ever closer, their sirens were blazing loud and clear.


Firstly, Police don't arrive even to the most serious crime that quickly. She's sounded the alarm on a car, the most that would have happened so far would be neigbours poking their heads out the door to see what's happened. The police wouldn't be called yet, and they definately wouldn't show up in more then one car :)

had bought a book that she hadn’t needed, which was ironically about cars, before she left. She went down Powell Boulevard now, having tossed the book next to a trash can for some lucky soul to find.
Again, uneccesary information.

Okay, I hope you don't think I've been to harsh. I liked the story and would be interested in seeing where you go with it. Keep up the good work :)
Dreams are whispers from the Soul
  





User avatar
15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1075
Reviews: 15
Wed Jul 06, 2011 4:49 am
View Likes
Wolfdra says...



No, no, I agree with alot of your points, and that's the reason I put it on here, to get this type of feedback. Thanks so much for looking into this though! And I'm glad you liked it, and thankful for your help.
"'Death happens,' as we like to say. 'And when I get paid for it, death happens more often.'"

"La shai'a waqi'on motlaq bal kollon momken."

"We are all books containing thousands of pages and within each of them lies an irreparable truth."

Rest in peace, Harry. <3
  





User avatar
547 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 49345
Reviews: 547
Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:37 pm
captain.classy says...



Hey there!

You can obviously tell that you spent a lot of time on this. It's absolutely wonderful, and the writing was flawlessly enjoyable. If you keep this up and edit a few minor annoyances and unrealistic occurrences, then I'd say you have a chance at publishing! I'm an ultra fantasy fan, and I always read fantasy stories on here, and I can honestly say this is one of the best I've ever read. I really want to read more. If you'd like someone to beta read it for you, I volunteer myself. xD Anyways onto the review!

The red liquid ever so slowly trickled down Jason’s forehead as he stared down his captors.


Commenting on the 'ever'. Not only does it make the sentence awkward (and you definitely don't want the first sentence of your novel awkward) but it's unnecessary. It also gives a sort of uplifting and mystical vibe, like something out of the good times of Harry Potter. This obviously doesn't fit the rest of the passage, as this young boy is being tortured into giving out information. I think you'd do better to delete it.

There are a few things very and completely unrealistic in this passage, and I'm afraid that you might have others throughout your story. But no matter. There are two that I can think of right now. One is that pawn shops don't buy things that are cheap and worthless. You have to make it so that the key is worth WAY more than 2 dollars, I'd say at least 15 at a pawn shop, they don't like to waste their time. And you also have to have the shop a reason to buy it. Say that a jewel on it is real and expensive or something like that. They don't just buy any old thing. You might get along better her buying it at a garage sale.

And then the other is the police coming straight away at a car alarm? Really. Well that is completely wrong. Not only could they not get there quick enough, since the only plausible reason for them knowing something was going on is the owner calling, and the call would have to go to the station then transmitted to the police in the area, and that has to take at least five minutes since the operator at the police stations ask you specific questions. No police man would come at the sound of a car alarm anyways, it happens to often, especially in cities. I really do like this part and how you introduce the power the key has, so maybe you could just have the owner chasing her.

I really like this! Keep up the good work.

Classy
  





User avatar
15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1075
Reviews: 15
Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:46 pm
Wolfdra says...



Yeah, I'm working on changing things around with the review yesterday by Ced. I would love for you to beta read it, if I ever got off my fat ass to write it [I hate just how much I have writer's block/procrastiation]. Anyway, I liked your suggestions, and I liked your idea of the garage sale, that's actually giving me a cool idea for that part. I had actually had that same idea of the owner following her after the review yesterday. That is sorta creepy that you had the same idea... |:

That blows me away that this is one of the best you've read, and I'm truly flattered. I was rather worried that it'd be too cliche or whatnot, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now to just go motivate myself to write more... I'd be happy to PM you with a few ideas I have on it, to get feedback [I have some plot points set down, just haven't gotten around to actually writing it]
"'Death happens,' as we like to say. 'And when I get paid for it, death happens more often.'"

"La shai'a waqi'on motlaq bal kollon momken."

"We are all books containing thousands of pages and within each of them lies an irreparable truth."

Rest in peace, Harry. <3
  








In the winter months, gale storms in Svalbard can reach wind speeds of 130 km/h. Accompanied by or following snowfall, such storms can reduce visibility dramatically, more so in the winter months of the polar night. During these storms, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian