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The Birth of a Vampire



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Wed Jun 29, 2011 1:30 am
MadameLuxestrange says...



Spoiler! :
So here is something that has roots in the novel I'm working on.This is a really rough copy of this. I wrote it a little too fast, so it's REALLY rough. Comments are much appreciated :) Cheers, Luxe

1464
The fever had been spreading through the city for a week now. Everywhere, panic was in the streets. For Martina, a beautiful woman from the northern parts of the country, it meant business was slow. Her small wine station in the streets was not doing well. Most of her customers had disappeared, probably dead from the disease, and money was running low. She barely had enough to pay for her food.

"Here is your bread," the shopkeeper said, handing her the lump of bread.

Martina nodded her thanks and smiled slowly. She had been feeling weak all day and the sun was beating down on her like she was standing too close to a fire. "Thank you," she said quietly. As she headed through the practically deserted streets, she clutched the basket that held her bread and wine to her chest. Her body felt heavy. Her vision was blurring. Panic was building in her chest.

Fever.
***

Sweat was pouring down Martina's neck and she gulped another drink straight from the wine bottle. The aches coursing through her body had become excruciating and she ended up collapsing on her straw bed. Though forty years old was an uncommon age for a woman to live during these times, she was afraid of death. She was getting ready by downing the whole bottle of wine. Maybe if she couldn't feel it, it wouldn't be as bad. Finally the writhing started. The moans of pain began. The time began to rune out. Vaguely she remembered calling out for her mother who had been dead for almost all of her life.

As she rolled over, she caught sight of a dark figure standing in her doorway. It was hard to make him out because she could barely see, but she for sure saw a figure.

"Who goes there?" she croaked. "You may take anything you like. I will be dead within the hour I imagine." She coughed, sputtering up fluid.

The figure came closer to the bed and knelt down at her side. "My good woman, I am sorry that you suffer." The stranger was clearly a foreigner, with an accent that Martina had never heard before. He was also rich, judging by the clothing he wore.

Martina pulled back from him, wincing in the process. "I am ill, sir," she sputtered. More fluid came from her mouth, dripping on the bed. Even then, the man didn't flinch. He remained at her side.

"I cannot catch your illness," he said gently. "In fact, I cannot die."

This caused her to laugh. "You cannot die? Do you believe me to be a fool? No one is immortal. Death is inevitable."
He shook his head. "I can save you. I can make you immortal." She didn't respond. "My dear, I am a vampire, a bloodsucker."

She was in awe. There was no way for her to decide if he was lying and telling her a story to make her passage into death easier or if he believed the words that he was speaking.

She would listen to his story and die peacefully, knowing that someone was with her. "Tell me more."

"When a vampire is turned, they must drink the blood of the vampire that bit them. The blood of the immortal will give them eternal life. They then see memories of the vampire's life, both human and vampire memories. It is not painful.
"We may go out into the light and we may enter churches. We are not entirely legend. In addition to the immortality, the newly turned will recieve a power that is unique to them and them alone. Every vampire has a different power. They can have one similar to another's, but it is unique in it's own way. I possess the power to make objects move without touching them. There is also magic. Magic beyond anything you can believe. Fire can be made without stone or flint. Water can come to you without rain falling.

"While vampires have the power to do almost anything they wish, they live a lonely life, mostly in secrecy and away from human society. We have begun to blend in some, but we have to move on in a few years to conceal the fact that we do not age. Every decade we watch as the world around us changes, as science grows and pulls it in a new direction. Every decade we have to adapt and learn the new body language, the new terms, the new weapons.

"I suppose when I told you that I could not die, I was lying partly. Terrible and deadly wounds can kill us. Decapitation can kill us. We do not get sick, though. We do not age. But we can be killed. We can also die from not drinking blood for long periods of time. What really can kill us is a werewolf. A savage beast that can shift between human and wolf forms. They kill viciously and are a fearsome race of immortals."

Martina coughed again. "Why would I want to turn into one of you if there is more of a chance of dying there than here?"
The stranger smiled kindly. "You are already dying, are you not?" He placed his large hand on her forehead and stroked her hair back. "What is there to lose?"

Smiling back, she considered her options. She could die here or she could live, possibly for the rest of eternity. The idea of being a vampire, a sinful monster made her stop for a moment. Before she could stop the p the words from coming out of her mouth, she said, "I want to live."

Instead of saying anything to her, the man leaned over her and sank his teeth into her throat. She had expected pain, but instead she was seeing things. Incredible scenes.

***

The man who had bitten her was holding a small boy on his shoulders, laughing and kicking his feet in stone grey waters. His face was kind and gentle and his light blue eyes were full of light. The boy on his shoulders was holding him tightly and giggling uncontrollably. Standing near them with a basket was a woman with long dark hair and a smile.

All at once the image changed to show fire and smoke. The place where the boy and the man had been was now on fire. Screams filled the air and people ran in panic. The man was running around, shouting wildly. From across the way, he found the boy in the arms of the woman, both of them looking scared. He ran towards them. Before he reached them, another man was behind them. The man tried to warn his family, but it was no use. A knife dug its way into the woman's back and she dropped to the ground. The little boy looked one last time at the man before he fell to the ground next to the woman.

The scene switched again to show the man, now much older and rugged looking, moving large blocks of stone alongside hundreds of others. He had a hard glare on his face and his eyes held no more warmth as he was struck on the back with a whip.
Another image showed another attack. It ended abruptly with the man being bitten by a tall, thick body covered in purple veins and foaming and spitting at the mouth.


***
Martina gasped as her eyes opened. Wildly, she glanced around looking for the man. Her hands reached up to her wet mouth and they came away red. She struggled not to scream. Voices were in her head. So many panicked voices. She could hardly stand it.

Please save her!

God, stop this fever!


Marina could harldy bear all the voices as they said the same thing, over and over. They all spoke of the fever and how everyone was sick. She couldn't stand it.

Stop!

When she told the voices to halt, they did. She was frightened. Never had she heard so many voices, and all at once. It wasn't possible.

"Easy, my daughter," the soft voice said. "You are going to feel unwell for a few moments now that you have taken my blood." The man smiled. It was the same old man from the later visions.

"The voices!" she said, her heart racing. They came back when she said it.

Help us, God!

Save us!

Now it was the man's turn to seem confused. "Voices?" He looked around the room as if there was someone there.

"Yes! I hear them!"

She will make the perfect vampire...

She nodded her head and looked at the man. "You say I will make the perfect vampire."

His face froze. "Are you sure that is what you hear?"

"Yes. Yes, I am."

You are my daughter. What is your name?

"Your voice is saying that I am your daughter," she said quietly, looking at him slowly. He was taking her as his daughter?

"And?"

"My name is Martina."

My name is William.

"And you are William."

He nodded with a smile. "Yes. You are my daughter. Martina." He stepped forward to embrace her. As he did, Martina put her hands out in front of her. She was still unsure of what was going on. When William didn't step forward anymore, she thought that he had stopped. "Daughter?" he said. He still wasn't moving. "Martina? Have you-" He looked puzzled. "Put your hands down." She still kept them up. "My dear, trust me."

She stared hardly at him. If the legend had been true, there was no reason she shouldn't trust him now. "Alright."
When she lowered her hands, he stepped forward. His face was full of surprise. "You," he started. "You are a perfect vampire. You can hear what I am saying, and you can stop me from moving if you wish it." He smiled. "You are perfect." He tried again to embrace her, but she put her hands up again. This time, William flew backwards into the wall.

Martina watched as he stood up and laughed. "Yes," he repeated. "Absolutely perfect." He dusted off his cloak and started for the door. "Are you ready to go, Martina?" he asked, opening the door that led out into the dawn.
Hesitantly, she looked at his outstretched hand. She had been dying. Now she was getting ready to walk out of her front door and go with a man that she would now call her father. She owed him her life. Her new and very long life.

"Yes," she murmured. She stepped forward and ignored his hand. "Yes, I am. Father." As she told the voices to stop again, she smiled slightly and gave William a kiss on the cheek. "I am very ready."
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.
  





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Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:11 am
Wayland says...



I really liked this. I love your writing style. It's smooth but exciting and easy to follow. I only have a couple things to critique. First is the tense. In the first sentence it's present but then you go right into past tesnse. Second is when the vamp is explaining about vampire, things get a little confusing and choppy. And maybe you should go more into what its like for her while she becoming a vampire. Not just the visions but the actual experience. But other than that, I really enjoyed it! Are you going to post the actual book? If you do let me know, I'd love to see what you do with it:)
"You can't jump the tracks. We're like cars on a table and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head in your hands and breathe." -Anna Nalick
  





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Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:25 am
Master_Yoda says...



Okay Luxe. Here's your promised review.

The following review is going to focus on story telling techniques that I think might help you develop the tension and adrenaline a scene like this should result in.

Basically your story up until this point deals with a woman being turned into a vampire. This is in and of itself not negative, and I found the story mildly interesting to read actually. I haven't read much vampire fiction, so you'll forgive me for being unable to gauge the originality of this idea in terms of its genre.

I want to focus more heavily on building a story that keeps the reader on the edge of his seat. Let's begin with dialogue. Dialogue always marks the interaction between characters. As soon as dialogue is non-hostile, it automatically placates the communicating parties. That means that non-hostile dialogue removes the fear from your woman as the vampire speaks to her. You need her scared toadless if you want to really make the story interesting. Remember, stake creates tension. You remove the stake by detailing the virtues of the vampires. She suddenly becomes some awesome immortal. What fun is there in that?

On that note, there should only be one group of people in your story with superhuman strength: The antagonists. I don't know who the hero is in the story. But if it's this woman, you need to redefine your vampires well. Strong protagonists make the work easy. Weaker protagonists make the victory sweet.

Character tension. Given the strength of your vampires and the woman's current state of ailment, it is ridiculous that she shouldn't want to become a vampire. No, she should be really wanting to live. Desperate for life. Why she is not needs clarification desperately. But that's just a by the way. The point I wanted to raise was her response to becoming a vampire. Characters who are happy with their state of being are not interesting. It is the characters who have made bad choices who we route for. The characters who regret decisions. We want to help these characters right their wrongs. Cross their "T"s. Dot their "i"s.

So, yes, she should be conflicted. Unhappy with who she is. The only perfect characters, the only characters who are happy with themselves should be the villains. After all, what makes a hero a hero is that he's willing to improve. What makes a villain a villain is that he sees himself as ideal.

So, I would decrease the dialogue in this piece. Freak out the woman more. Ensure that she has something to lose and make her fight to keep it. Your story needs drive. Something that keeps readers interested. It's important to develop internal conflict early.

One last point. Your story is very info-dumpy in certain respects. The vampire's detailing the vampire culture for instance strikes me as a ruse to obviously describe your vampires to the reader. You should show this to us gradually rather than feeding it all up front. Good exposition always leaves the reader wanting to find something out. This is what you need to work on.

Okay, those are the immediate points. I hope this has helped. I'm sure you'll do great.

Good Luck!
Yoda ;)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:28 am
Baywolf says...



Hello dear,

I would have used your actual username, but it's rather long. Luxe, is it? Anyhow, I thought this was a nice sketch of the origin of a character. There were some errors, as the reviewer before me mentioned briefly. One in particular that caught my eye was
The time began to rune out.
Should be "run." Typing error, no biggie. Oh and this one too.
Marina could harldy bear all the voices as they said the same thing, over and over.
Just switch the l and the d. Easy-peasy. Since this is a rough draft, I'm not going to go into much detail. I know how rough drafts are. :) But despite some sticky places like the whole section where William is explaining vampirism to the dying Martina, I thought it was a nice piece. It was interesting despite some similarities to Twilight ("abilities"), but Meyer doesn't own that idea, so I say go for it. Make something out of it.

Happy Writing!
Baywolf
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

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"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Thu Jun 30, 2011 7:37 pm
Kaijudospartan says...



Ooookay.
Although you have a very interesting plotline, not to mention good grammar and spelling, except for that part where you spelt 'run' as 'rune'. A rune is a character in an unknown writing. Just so you know.
A question. Have you read 'The Vampire's Assistant' and 'Twilight'? Cos, honestly, to me , who has read both (Yes, I read Twilight, yes, I'm a guy, and no, I'm not gay. So there.), this looks like a very well mashed up version of the two.
'Gifts'-- Twilight
'Mind Reading-- Twilight. Edward Cullen.
'Seeing Memories via drinking blood'-- Vampire's Assistant
But other than that, good show.
We are Legion.
  








That's how we should measure our lives. Not in distance traveled, or time passed, or worlds conquered, but in moments... and the rush of joy—of grace—that exists within them.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)