Young Writers Society

This story is a short story for the contest Writer's Roulette. I had to use no The's in it at all. So, if you read it and catch one, please please please bring it to my attention. Suggestions for the story and grammer pointers welcome as well. Thanks!

INFLUENZA

“Stop being so naïve, Nerissa, and act in a way princesses should,” Tormuk scolded his daughter.
“Father, I am not being naïve! Just listen to me for a moment-” Nerissa began in her usual soft spoken voice.
“I am weary of your games. Just let me be,” he heavily sighed.
Tormuk leaned against a thick marble column, one of many that lined his ancient Elven palaces grand ballroom. Walls rose beside him and Nerissa that were a simple off-white color. Hundreds of small golden statues of past kings and queens sat inlaid behind each column. A platform on which sat four golden thrones faced a titanic sized set of mahogany doors. A long scarlet rug ran from one side to another of Tormuk's grand ballroom. It was an enchanting sight for anyone who had ever seen a ballroom before, and even more for those who hadn't. And it was Nerissa and Tormuk's home.
“Father, these are no games I play,” Nerissa argued quietly.
“Nerissa, Please.”
“Mother is dying and I know what can save her!”
“You say a human cure can save her from this influenza she apparently has?” Tormuk asked doubtfully.
"Yes," Nerissa said, nodding her head quickly.
Tormuk took Nerissa's shoulders in his hands and looked her straight in her eyes. She pulled back as she watched a tear fall down his cheek. Nerissa frowned, a shiver of fear running through her at seeing her father, a King of Goran, cry.
“Nerissa, I don't want her to die any more than you do. But humans aren't real and Influenza is a simple legend. Your mother has uncurable heart failure, not Influenza. Please don't break my heart any more. We can't help her and you know it. Putting all your hope in a legend won't heal your mother. I'm sorry I couldn't save her,” Tormuk spoke slowly.
“No!” Nerissa refused to listen and pulled away from her father, “Just trust me father! I know I can save her!”
“Nerissa! Be silent!” Tormuk yelled.
Nerissa cowered away from her now furious father. Tears threatened to escape their dark green sanctuaries but Nerissa would not let them. Not now, not in front of her father. She bit her lip in order to suppress herself then faced her father with all her courage. Courage that she knew she had, that she was amazed she still had even through her mothers sickness.
“Father, just give me a chance,” she begged him, fingering her sharply pointed ears.
“I can't take this anymore,” Tormuk sighed with his eyes closed.
“Please.”
“Nerissa, your mother is going to die. You can't save her, so stop trying!” Tormuk whispered as he turned away and left Nerissa alone.
Nerissa threw her head in her hands and let her tears freely flow. Slowly she fell to her knees. She couldn't just watch her mother die and she couldn't just let her father walk away. Nerissa knew that humans were real and that all legends of influenza were true. Her best friend was a young human girl, one that had found a portal that connected her world to Nerissa's. But of course Tormuk didn't know about that.
Nerissa reached into a pocket on her dress and removed a small silver capsule. She fingered it, remembering the night before when Sarah had visited her and offered her a cure for her mother. And all Nerissa's mother had to do was swallow it. Swallow a tiny silver thing. And all Nerissa had wanted to do was show it to her father, but she was too afraid. He had no faith in her, his own daughter.
Suddenly, Nerissa's eyes opened wide.
She could secretly administer Sarah's cure to her mother!
Why did she need fathers permission? Why not just go behind his back this once? She would surely lose every ounce of her fathers trust, but what is trust compared to life for her mother?
Nerissa bit her bottom lip raw as she wondered why she had never thought of this solution before. Then she realized it was because she had so wanted her father to believe in her. But since that wouldn't happen any time soon...Nerissa sighed softly as her tears ceased to flow. Uncertainty filled her every bone and muscle. Never had she lied to her father before.
What would happen after her mother returned to full health? Would Nerissa's father praise her or hate her?
Nerissa stood and smoothed her long moss green dress. Her mind had been made. She had chosen her mothers life over her fathers trust. Trust could always be earned back in time anyways. Nerissa sauntered back towards her room to wait until nightfall when she could sneak Sarah's cure to her mother.

Nerissa cowered away from her now furious father. Tears threatened to escape the sanctuary of her eyes but Nerissa would not let them. Not now, not in front of her father. She had to show him how strong she was.

There! Had to point it out ;P It was the only "the" I saw. Good luck with this by the way!

I couldn’t catch any "the"s (which is bloody amazing!) but I did catch this:

Tormuk took Nerissa's shoulders in his hands and looked her IN straight IN her eyes.

One too many "in"s, maybe? Normally I wouldn't bother pointing out something so small, but if you're entering a competition I just wanted to make sure nothing impeded your flow

The plot-line is very interesting, and Nerissa is a beautiful name. Good job

Have a lovely day,

-Gwenavera

Oh, sorry, I lied! ;p With my handy-dandy "Control-Find" I found a couple more:

She frowned, almost feeling afraid that her father, the King of Goran, was crying.

She slowly fell to the ground, curling up her knees.

There. All done Good luck!

*In spirit and admiration of how amazing this story is, I will review it without the use of any "The's,' beginning now! *

I think this is a very interesting story you've written here. I only can think of a couple small edits to give you, which will be made in good spirit. Now, down to business...

“Stop being so naïve, Nerissa, and act in a way a princess should.,” Tormuk scolded his daughter.
“Father, I am not being naïve! Just listen to me for a moment-” Nerissa began in her usual soft spoken voice.
“I am weary of your games. Just let me be,” he heavily sighed.

I like how you open your story in dialogue between Tormuk and Nerissa. This offers a way to catapult readers right into a plot, and they'll be eager to know more right after these sentences. I do however think that here, as well as throughout all the story, you could do with more showing instead of telling. It conveys emotion and imagery better when you use physical actions and events (which you do well in some places) as opposed to just telling what's happening with words. go back over your story and check to see if you can substitute a physical action for any telling you see. Don't tell what emotion Nerissa is feeling, show what she does as she feels it. Cool?

Tormuk took Nerissa's shoulders in his hands and looked her in straight in her eyes. She pulled back as she noticed a tear in his eye. She frowned, almost feeling afraid that her father, the King of Goran, was crying.

A couple things: I wouldn't say 'eye' in two sentences right next to each other. It sounds a little awkward. And I also wouldn't begin two sentences next to each other with 'she.' It also sounds a little awkward. Try and make sure you always begin two adjacent sentences with different words.

Nerissa threw her head in her hands and let her tears freely flow. She slowly fell to the ground, curling up her knees. She can't just watch her mother die and she can't just let her father walk away. Nerissa knows that humans are real and that all legends of influenza are true. Her best friend is a human girl, one that found a portal that connected her world to Nerissa's. But of course Tormuk didn't know that.

You have a shift of verb tenses in this paragraph, going from past in sentence one, to present in sentences 2-4, then back to past in 5. It sounds awkward, and it's not proper grammar. I know grammar is tricky, but I think this is something you could easily fix.

Also, about your humans/whatever Nerissa is, I'm a little confused as to what's going on. What is Nerissa? They have legends about humans? Humans are a myth in this world? What's up with that? I'm just a little confused, and I think future readers might be as well. See if you can find a way to work a subtle explanation in to your descriptions, but don't ramble, and make sure to keep it interesting. I know you can do it!

Well, there's my review, and without any "the's" I might add! haha (if you catch one, feel free to point and laugh). I like your story, and I think it has potential to be even better! If you ever need another review or advice or such, feel free to drop me a line!
- SOCKS

This is very good. I like it :3
I also tried this challenge (I had to use less than 500 words, YIKES!) and I think I might have a run for my money ;P I might have entered a contest with too many talented writers DX but oh well. I did see a few "the"s though! :O

Tormuk took Nerissa's shoulders in his hands and looked her in straight in her eyes. She pulled back as she noticed a tear in his eye. She frowned, almost feeling afraid that her father, the King of Goran, was crying.

Nerissa cowered away from her now furious father. Tears threatened to escape the sanctuary of her eyes but Nerissa would not let them. Not now, not in front of her father. She had to show him how strong she was.

And

Nerissa threw her head in her hands and let her tears freely flow. She slowly fell to the ground, curling up her knees. She can't just watch her mother die and she can't just let her father walk away. Nerissa knew that humans were real and that all legends of influenza are true. Her best friend was a human girl, one that found a portal that connected her world to Nerissa's. But of course Tormuk didn't know that.

I think those are the only "the"s I found.

Some grammar comments would be that you tend to switch from past tense to present tense like in the paragraph quotes above. You should watch out for that. Also, here:

Tormuk took Nerissa's shoulders in his hands and looked her in straight in her eyes.

"Looked her in straight in her eyes" is wrong. It should be "Looked her straight in her eyes" you have one too many "in"s xP pahaha

Other than that, I liked it! Keep up the good work.

Hello, competition!

My first thought after reading this is I think perhaps you tried to put a lot of story in a little bit of text. for instance, you start with a bunch of dialogue explaining the situation, then just explain the missing part in three paragraphs and end the story. I feel like this could have been stretched out further to satisfy the amount of background and plotline you twist into it.

Kay, I don't like the opening sentence. I think you should re write the beginning to explain what's going on a little further before just making us jolt right into the dialogue between characters we know absolutely nothing about. When I read this I feel like I'm reading chapter fifteen of a novel or so, not a short story. The thing you have to watch out for when writing this short prose is to not overstep your boundaries. If you don't think you can accurately portray your idea, don't write about it. I gained nothing by reading this, it's feels like you threw a few names and a vague storyline together just to get the story over with.

Nitpicks:

"Stop being so naive, Nerissa, and act in a way a princess should.," Get rid of the comma.

She frowned, almost feeling afraid that her father, the King of Goran,

Tears threatened to escape the sanctuary of her eyes but Nerissa would not let them. For this, maybe instead of "the" you could say something like, "Tears threatened to escape their shimmering *eye color* sanctuary but Nerissa would not allow them to."

I also noticed that you switched a bit from past to present tense, so to give you an idea all the words in red are fixed:

She couldn't just watch her mother die and she couldn't just (Get rid of just) let her father walk away. Nerissa knew that humans were real and that all legends of influenza were true. Her best friend was a human girl, one that found a portal that connected her world to Nerissa's. But of course Tormuk didn't know that.

My point is, just try a bit more on elongating this. You have until June ;P

~BTM

“Stop being so naïve, Nerissa, and act in a way a princess should.,” A way a princess should sounds a little odd, just because of the a-a thing. Maybe say 'act in a way princesses should', instead/ Also, take out the period.

"lined a grand ballroom of his ancient palace." I'm noticing places where it looks like you just replaced a 'the' with an 'a', and if I'm noticing... Maybe there's a way to fix it more unobtrusively? 'lined his ancient palace's grand ballroom.'

"one to another side of Tormuk's grand ballroom." Sounds a bit odd... Maybe say something like 'from side to side'? Maybe?

"Influenza is a simple legend" Except apparently, the mom does have it...

Save her - save her is a little repetitive.

“Nerissa! Give it a break" Sounds a little anachronistic (not making sense with the time). It sounds like too much of a modern expression.

"She can't just watch her mother die and she can't just let her father walk away. Nerissa knows that humans are real and that all legends of influenza are true. Her best friend is a human girl, one that found a portal that connected her world to Nerissa's. But of course Tormuk didn't know that." This is suddenly present tense, when everything up to now has been past tense.

"Sarah, Nerissa's best friend, had given Nerissa a cure for influenza when Nerissa had spoken of her mother. And now, all Nerissa had to do was get her father to let her give Sarah's cure to mother before she died, but he wouldn't believe her. He never listened to Nerissa because he had no faith in her." This is a lot of telling, and some of it we've already been able to infer (like the fact that her father doesn't believe her).

"She can secretly administer Sarah's cure to her mother! Why does she need fathers permission? Why not just go behind his back this once?" And he'll really have faith in her after that... Anyway, wouldn't this have occurred to her before now? Or even while she was talking with him?

"Then she stood and sauntered back towards her room until nightfall when she could sneak Sarah's cure to her mother." Sauntered has the connotation of being relaxed, and it seems like she'd still be a little uncertain/tense?

The ending is a little info-dumpy... If this were a novel, I'd say to reveal the information, but since this is just a short story - a contest entry - I would suggest that maybe... Maybe she could pull out the cure and look at it, and say there that she had already gotten it from her best friend Sarah, a human, etc. That might go a little more smoothly, eh?

This is pretty good, though. Well, written, too. Nice job with it. ^^

Ahoy! I'm here from the contest. :} As you probably know, it's already been judged and the winners have already been announced. This review is to let you know the kinds of things Ranger Hawk (my co-judge) and I discussed while judging. Hopefully hearing them will help you to understand our decision, and use the whole contest as a learning experience.

So first of all, both Ranger and I were intrigued by your concept here. You've got some interesting ideas going on, that's for sure. I liked the idea that there were elves who thought humans were just myths, just like we generally think elves are myths--it was a nice little twist that made the whole thing feel more real. You also did a nice job of making a pretty detailed fantasy world without making it so involved that it felt like it should be a novel. You fit in just enough worldbuilding to set the scene, without overdoing it--which is hard to do in a story of this length, so good job!

As far as the contest is concerned you didn't meet all your requirements because there actually was one 'the' in there:

She fingered it, remembering the night before when Sarah had visited her and offered her a cure for her mother.

You were so close! Ah, oh well. Now onto the actual story.

This piece obviously had some great intentions behind it, but it fell short of what it could be for a few reasons.

Firstly, the characters were a little bothersome. The dialogue felt rather flat and I had a pretty hard time imagining people actually saying those things without a script or rehearsal. I know you're trying to make it have a sort of archaic feel, and it's fine if you want to use old-fashioned or overly formal speech for that reason, but you still have to make what they're saying be realistic. Try to always have your characters speak for their own/each others' sake, not for the reader's sake. By that I mean that you should have them was say things they would actually say to communicate to each other rather than have them say things to each other as a way of informing the reader of what's going on. It's just another way of info-dumping, and it makes your characters unbelievable.

For example, in real life I would never say to my best friend "you are my best friend and we have known each other all our lives, and I like Mandarin oranges but I don't" because we both (me and my friend) both know all that, so the only reason I would say those things would be to inform someone else who was eavesdropping. Same goes for your characters, when they say something like:

“Nerissa, I don't want her to die any more than you do. But humans aren't real and Influenza is a simple legend. Your mother has uncurable heart failure, not Influenza. Please don't break my heart any more. We can't help her and you know it. Putting all your hope in a legend won't heal your mother. I'm sorry I couldn't save her."

The other main problem here was that I had a hard time believing the plot. See, I just can't believe that the king would be so unwilling to save his wife. If he really thought that she was completely incurable, wouldn't he try every cure he could possibly get his hands on? Wouldn't he clutch at every straw available, even if they weren't straws at all but twigs or dried banana skins? What I mean is, if he truly loved his wife (which it seems like he does) he'd want her to live and if anyone came to him claiming to have a cure for her, he'd be all ears--especially if that person was his daughter.

But even if he did, for some reason, not want her to use that cure (maybe he thought it was harmful somehow?) why wouldn't Nerissa have gone behind his back a long time ago? She seems to have perfect faith in the cure, so why wouldn't she just give it to her mother without asking her father's permission? And why would she make such a big deal about disobeying her father? It seems like the obvious thing to do, to me, and I have no idea why she didn't do it as soon as she found out about the cure. And the whole bit about life vs. trust? I almost laughed! It's obvious to me that any father worth his weight in Styrofoam would love a daughter who disobeyed him in order to save her mother's (his wife's!) life.

I'm not going to make too many suggestions as to how to fix these things I've brought up, because they're mostly plot issues and I don't want to write your story for you (as fun as it might be), but let me just give you an example so you have a good sense of the kind of thing I'm saying. What if, instead of Nerissa already having the cure and just wanting to give it to her mother--what if she had knowledge about the cure but needed to do something dangerous (like venturing into the human world) in order to get the actual medicine? That way, there would be a reason for the king to not want Nerissa getting the cure, because she would be risking her safety in order to do something that he doesn't even believe exists. Does that make sense?

Anyhow, good job--I think with a little rethinking, this piece could be really interesting!

Feel free to PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions or want to discuss this or anything.

Thanks for entering the contest. :}