Young Writers Society

um i didnt really know where to put this, soo i put it here haha. i havnt posted on here in a really really long time, and this is kinda something i would want to branch off and turn into a story i guess, but yea here it is haha.

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I drove the blade into her neck, feeling fresh blood run down my murderous hands. There was oddly no struggle, and as I looked down on her face, my own face, I saw what looked like the slightest smile. Then, in the darkest corner of the room I spotted a silhouette, one that had become very familiar to me these past few days.
"well done"
He said his charming voice ringing through the room. As he emerged from the darkness he seemed even more beautiful then I last remembered. His eyes, glowing the brightest shade of green, slowly turned the darkest blood red. I tried to move toured him but something was holding me back. Only when I looked down did I noticed the chains wrapped around my ankles. The ends were moving closer and closer until I felt the icy cold metal on my skin, then with horror I felt them break through and as I screamed in agony I felt them fuse to my bones. A rattle came from her body, and as I looked over I saw chains attached to her, that I had not seen before. As her chains detached from her making a sharp noise as they hit the floor I realized her chains were no longer hers, but mine. As another pare attached themselves to my arms I looked at Adrian for help, but he simply smiled at my screams.
"you wanted to believe so badly"
He said as he gestured toured the window. And only then did he let me see the bars. What I thought had been a bright room was shown to be decayed and dark, and simply poorly hidden. I gazed in horror out the window dreading what I'd see. I realized what I thought were healthy living trees were just brown leaves painted green. And as regret washed over me, that the flowers had seams.

Hello there,

This was very clever--I love the way you tied the end back to the title. I do have nitpicks:

I drove the blade into her neck, feeling fresh blood run down my murderous hands. There was oddly no struggle, and as I looked down on her face, my own face,huh? I saw what looked like the slightest smile. Then, in the darkest corner of the room I spotted a silhouette, one that had become very familiar to me these past few days.

"Well done," he said, his charming voice ringing through the room. As he emerged from the darkness he seemed even more beautiful than I remembered. His eyes, glowing the brightest shade of green, slowly turned the darkest blood red. I tried to move towards him but something was holding me back. Only when I looked down did I noticed the chains wrapped around my ankles. The ends were moving closer and closer until I felt the icy cold metal on my skin, then with horror I felt them break through and as I screamed in agony they fused to my bones. A rattle came from her body, and as I looked over I saw chains attached to her, that I had not seen before. As her chains detached from her,making a sharp noise as they hit the floor, I realized that her chains were no longer hers, but mine. As another pair attached themselves to my arms I looked at Adrian for help, but he simply smiled at my screams.

"You wanted to believe so badly," he said as he gestured toured the window. And only then did he let me see the bars. What I thought had been a bright room was shown to be decayed and dark, and simply, poorly hidden. I gazed in horror out the window dreading what I'd see. I realized what I had thought were healthy living trees were just brown leaves painted green. And as regret washed over me, that the flowers had seams.

As I said before, I really liked the ending. This is pretty vague and you could definitely go somewhere with it, or just leave it as is . Thanks for the read!

Sare

This beginning has great potential! I like how you had the character see herself, and the vagueness of it, makes me definitely want to read more. sarebear already did the proof reading, so not much to go on there, just make sure to clean it up, and keep up the great work!

Hi!

I think Sarebear pretty much covered everything. But what stood out to me (and I think this is just nitpicking) was, "A rattle came from her body...". Maybe this is just me not paying enough attention, but I was pulled out of the story because it took me a second to connect the "her" in question to the woman who the main character just killed. I would suggest changing the wording a bit.

The story overall is great, even if it's pretty vague. Your descriptions, however, are outstanding.

~ViVA

Thank you for all your reviews! I will be sure to fix it up and maybe even write more branching off of this. =]

Sarebear seems to have already handled the grammatical and spelling aspects well, so I'm just going to go on to my overall feel of the piece.
For the most part, I do like it. It wasn't too much for a reader to handle in one take, and at the same time tells a short little scene well. There's not too much gore to outweigh the length of it, which is nice. That being said, I do hope you in the end choose to expand it, as it seems that's what this piece is meant to be...a short story or even an expansion into a novella or novel.
Oh, and I do enjoy that you incorporated the title in. Occasionally an author does that and it appears a bit clunky, but you pulled it off well.