z

Young Writers Society


Boneland



User avatar
85 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1464
Reviews: 85
Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:09 am
Eniarrol says...



Yes there is virtually no ending but it's because I'm working on a different one than the one I had before!


Boneland

A teenage girl sauntered, slightly hunched, through a village full of crumbling huts. The streets were scattered with smashed glass bottles that made them glimmer. She was not from around here; this place was far from the white-washed pristine streets where her masters and mistresses lived.

The girl was dressed in a dirty rag of a dress and she walked barefoot, the glass making her feet bleed. Her hair hung in two locks of mousy blond, slicked over from the heavy rainfall that thundered against the leaking roofs around her.
This girls name was Anika Brealey.

Anika reached an intersection and followed the dirt road that led toward what she could vaguely make out as a mass of hundreds upon hundreds of rag-clad people in neat lines. The lines went all the way up a vast mountain of rock beside an enormous field covered entirely in bones and milling people collecting spare wood and pinecones from the only trees for miles.

Anika’s feet were starting to hurt, she had argued with her mistress that very morning about going to Boneland.

“Yet here she was” She thought moodily, more trouble than she began with. The quarrel had resulted in her not being aloud any shoes, food or being aloud to bathe for a week.

It wasn’t the weather that made her not want to come; it was the things that guarded Boneland. The Guards always had a cold, dark look about them and had dark hair that fell over their crimson eyes set deep into their daunting white faces.

No one knew why they guarded Boneland or in fact, what exactly they were, they weren’t human but they weren’t quite beast either they were a terrifying mix of both. Only one rule was obeyed follow their laws…or suffer.

Anika saw another figure of a girl the colour of the dirt beneath her feet coming down a tunnel leading out on to the road at the end of it.

“Sara!” Anika called out, running towards her into the shelter of the tunnel embracing her and lifting her off the ground with the force of it.

“Anika!” Sara smiled and gave a feeble pat on Anika’s back.

Anika pulled away her huge grin fading into a frown as she peered at Sara. “What happened to your eye?” She whispered reaching out to touch the black eye patch that covered Sara’s eye, assuming there was one there of course.

“I misbehaved and my master punished me accordingly” Sara answered stiffly resuming a slightly faster pace than she had before, leaving Anika jogging to keep up.

“What? That old pain in the-“

“Don’t you dare go and insult my master like that. He had worked hard all day-” Sara was not looking at Anika but staring straight ahead shouting seemingly at the broken down store ahead of them.

“Yeah right” She muttered raising her eyebrows.

“-and his temper was running a bit high and I knocked over an old family heirloom and I-and I broke it” Sara seemed to be losing steam and instead seemed to finish what she had obviously thought was a reasonable explanation with sobs.

“Oh Sara,” Anika said placing an arm around Sara’s shoulders, “So he took your eye out?” As Sara gave a louder sob Anika shivered, and to think before, she was worried about not getting shoes.

They had now crossed onto the path leading down to Boneland. The path was wide and crowded with many other people. None looked twice at Sara and Anika; many people had far worse masters or mistresses than either of them and one person sobbing was not a strange sight.

As they descended further down the hill, the grounds grew hushed and eerie. Sara had stopped crying now, and instead stood with a red swollen eye being dragged by Anika into a nearby line where The Guards were strolling down taking the names of the slave’s masters and mistresses.

***
Last edited by Eniarrol on Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments
  





User avatar
134 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6076
Reviews: 134
Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:46 pm
View Likes
sarebear says...



Hi there,

Here for a review! I liked this start. I think that it could easily be the first chapter of a novel, but as a short story it doesn't stand alone. You might want to consider either closing it in some way or continuing it as a part of a longer work. Here are some nitpicks:

This girl's name was Anika Brealey.


Yet here she was, she thought moodily, and in more trouble than she began with. The quarrel had resulted in her not being allowed to wear any shoes, eat any food or being aloud to bathe for a week.


“Sara!” Anika called out, running towards her into the shelter of the tunnel and embracing her,and lifting her off the ground with the force of it.


Anika pulled away, her huge grin fading into a frown as she peered at Sara. “What happened to your eye?” She whispered reaching out to touch the black eye patch that covered Sara’s eye. assuming there was one there of course.


“I misbehaved and my master punished me accordingly” Sara answered stiffly,resuming a slightly faster pace than she had before, leaving Anika jogging to keep up.


“Yeah right,she muttered, raising her eyebrows.


They had now crossed onto the path leading down to Boneland. The path was wide and crowded with many other people. No-one looked twice at Sara and Anika; many people had far worse masters or mistresses than either of them and someone sobbing was not a strange sight.


“Slave to Mr. Grant Paulson sir” Sara replied in a small voice, her usually chocolatey brown skin growing pale.


The Guard grabbed Anika roughly by the arm and nodded at another armed Guard who aimed a gun-like machine in the near distance and pulled the trigger. “Bang!” It rung throughout the cliffs and Anika felt herself allowingallowed herself to be pulled away; she had stopped trying to pull from the Guards grip.


I was very confused by what happened at the end. The guards are in cahoots with this community of vampires? How did Anika turn into a vampire? Why are they talking about who died? You need to either clarify the end or, as I suggested before, continue by writing another chapter. Also, a note about the nitpicks. Remember to use commas and periods when appropriate. You might want to review uses of punctuation with quotation marks because that was one of the biggest trouble spots for you.

I like this but felt like it was, as I have mentioned, incomplete. Let me know if you decide to post more!

Sare
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.
  





User avatar
125 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3435
Reviews: 125
Wed Jun 15, 2011 3:46 pm
PixieStix says...



Hi, This is a tip thing. I think that you could have used more discription, like sometimes in the beginning you were great!! But overall it was one of the best stories I have ever read!! And by the way, are you a new person in the young writers society, well, if you are you can alwys ask me anything about it!! I dont know much myself but if you have any writting questions than go to my page!!

hope it helped!!

~Pixie~
liv,laugh,glow :D
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  








Prometheus, thief of light, giver of light, bound by the gods, must have been a book.
— Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves