The tale of two stones

The great bird swooped high above lonely green lands and rugged plains. Its Eyes, like fiery beacons of nobility, gazed down at its troubled home. The calm sea's grew restless. Ever tranquil by nature, Until now.
The wind roared through the mountains and valleys, high above the disturbed lands. Every moment of quiet calm seemed to be subsequently shattered by screams and fell spells echoing through the air. The rock of the unmovable mountains cascaded towards soft earth and grass scratched at flesh and fur, as if it hungered for life. Little by little the world was in decay.

Alone stood young Salion, learning from the essence of 'the calm' in the Enduin lake. Tranquil waters kissed his knees, and around the shallow pearl bright lake converged haunting trees. He looked up at the grey sky and wondered why the sun had faded then gone so suddenly given that it was a full hour since sunrise. It was as if a Titan of extraordinary stature had reached into the heavens and snatched it away....
Almost in his adult years now, he was eager to prove himself as a worthy warrior adept. Being Strong of fist and broad of back, he was also renowned for his skill with the blade. However, all of his arduous training and the martial prowess earned from many a year in the battle forts gave him no comfort now, in the face of this abrupt extinguishment of bright golden light. His mastery was of bone, weapon, mind and flesh, along with some study of elemental control, world knowlege and philisophy. He knew of no reason for what he was seeing, nor how it came to happen, although this veiled sun seemed to remind him of an old story he heard long ago.
As is the strong curiosity of the people of Seliath, Salion wanted answers to his queries and recalled some words said by the wise elder Dwelldel. 'One should be ever weary of peace and quick to shun it, for comfort leaves the mind less potent and blade less eager'. Maybe Dwelldell knew what was taking place overhead.

'So it is that my land will come under hand of dark,

Dwelleth unseen, foul legions wait,

A world dire for men is our mark,

Spirit of elders shall break evils hate.'

Salion uttered. This was the guardian’s prayer. A potent verse which was spoken on the break of each new day by every adept of the 12 battle forts of Seliath. It was taught to salion by his farther, as was every future adept told by theirs. A verse to rally to, to give warning of things to come, which only few knew, and to remind all that peace never lasts.
Salion waded as fast as he could through the sparkling lake back to shore, then hastily threw his black cotton tunic back on as he grasped for his pole arm from the lakes edge. He began his journey at a run, away from the murky river to the hill of ebor. Back into the main settlement of Seliath Vale was his path. There his answers will be found, he assured himself...

This was interesting... And I think you have potential... Here's my review:

"...but one of that mind I am not!" Huh? What does that mean, exactly?

After finishing the little dialogue-ey introduction, my first reaction was, "Phew! Maybe it'll be easier to read now..."
It was interesting, and I found some of it clever and amusing. But, clever and amusing though it may have been, I also found it to be a little confusing. I had to read very carefully and intently to understand it - not a bad thing in itself, but I wouldn't want to read a whole novel that way. When I'm reading for pleasure, I like it to be an easy read. Something gentle on the eyes and mind. Plus, I actually found myself SKIMMING. Never a good thing when that starts to happen after three paragraphs. Keep that wittiness if you can, but try to make it easy to understand, too.

After finishing the rest... "Well... That was a little better... But not much." XD
Like I said, some good wit in places, and it was good that you tried to vary your sentence structure a bit... But I think your main problem is with clarity. Even after finishing it, I'm still not entirely sure what I read. It was just very, very hard to read. And I'm not some lazy slacker who pulls your book off a library shelf because she doesn't have anything better to do. I'm an avid reader, who often revels in the books that make other teens groan. If I had trouble with it, you can bet that the lazy readers will, too, and that is never, EVER a good thing. So unless you're targeting the people few and far inbetween who actually LIKE reading this way, I think you have a lot of work to do to make sure your reader will be able to understand what you're telling them.

But again, KEEP that witty cleverness if at all possible. I'd keep in mind though, not EVERY line has to have some awe-inspiring alliteration or flowery adjective. Write with your seven-year-old cousin in mind.

I think this has potential. I'm interested with the disappearing sun, and everything... I just found it very hard to get into the story, if you know what I mean. It needs some work, I think.

Keep at it. X)

Teehee, you need to finish this fable, my dear Rocksmith!

I would probably get rid of the introduction and dive right into the story! Unless, of course, you want to do a collection of short stories. In that case, I would give the story the same kind of flavor as the introduction, in Brombil's dialect and everything.

Also, I think you should make this more like a fable or folk tale... folk tales usually start off with your main character. Which is a good thing... less eagles swooping and more action! I like the exaggerations you used to describe your main character, by the way!

Anyway, make this more folksy. It'll be better that way.

I have completely removed brombil from the picture as he seems to cause confusion haha. I have taken onboard much advice and reduced gaps between paragraphs, made the sentences more understandable and made the story more coherent (I hope). Enjoy

You still need to finish it.

*prods*

All in good time my friend In the meantime, check out some connected work: 'The scions of might'. Salion is in fact an aspiring blademaster Theres a little hint of things to come.

AWESOME!!! I liked this. I'm a big fan of describeing my settings and characters to my readers and you did an awesome job of doing it. My favorite scence is when your main character arrives standing in the water. It got my mind to produce a cool scene for my next story. You're awesome. Keep writing!

~Freeze~

Haha. Thankyou for your kind comments I could not have asked for anything more than to inspire someone else to write something of their own. If you are ever short on ideas, im happy to throw some your way.

I 'will' get back to finishing this chapter eventually. promise!

sorry man, you gotta make it more interesting

Hey! I liked it. Your use of descriptive language is amazing.
Just a few things I'd like to point out, being a perfectionist and all that. Firstly, 'The calm sea's grew restless ...' The word "sea's" should be "seas". One (sea's) means 'sea is' and the other is the plural of 'sea'. Similar problem to "it's" and "its". The former means "it is", the latter is possessive. It might have been a mistake (I feel for you: I do that ALL THE TIME) but you still need to watch out for things like that. Again: ' ... as he grasped for his pole arm from the lakes edge ...' "Lakes" should be "lake's" (:
Also, a small issue with capitalisation. 'Ever tranquil by nature, Until now ...' (lower case 'u' is needed), and 'Being Strong of fist ...' (lower case 's' on 'strong'). You should also run your story through a spell-check. In the fourth paragraph, the word 'philosophy' is spelt wrong. (I know it was a typo, but still.)
Overall, I think this was a great short story, and when you finish it, I'll see if I can remember to come back and read it again! Once more, your description was amazing: it really hooked me in, and I loved it.
Keep writing, because it's your thing, and God bless,
Ignis (;