Introduction - please give feedback

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Introduction .. .. (edited)

Olivia stepped into the parking lot and breathed in deeply, to clear her mind. With a quick look over it she recognized her... class-mates. She sighed in relief. She was glad to be rid of the school; not just the teachers, but the students. Not just the stuck up cheerleaders or the bullies. Everyone. This boarding school was her personal hell. Part of it was her own fault though. At the beginning of the year people had talked to her, but pretty soon they had realized she was antisocial. She didn’t want to hear about their new boyfriend or their awful grade. When they stopped she was invisible marked as a freak, and no one tried again.

Scanning the parking lot for her father’s car, Olivia fingered her necklace. It was a tiny jar of sand on a thin silver string. The jar was slender and about an inch long. Instead of a cork, there was a small lock. Through the years, Olivia had tried all the keys she could find, but it never worked. She picked up her luggage as her dad’s silver SSC Ultimate Aero pulled up.

Olivia sighed as she slipped in. She hated it when people stared at her because of her dad’s money. Yes, the people who went to Keystone were on the upper scale money wise, but they weren’t millionaires. There were only a few things she liked about her dad. One; he didn’t attempt a conversation because he knew she despised him. Two; she only saw him about once a year. Three; he gave awesome allowances.

Only a few words were spoken between Olivia and her father until they drifted into silence. This car ride was going to be way too long. The closest place she had ever had to a home was her grandparent’s house. She sifted through her memories, pausing for a moment at each one. There she was easily learning how to swim. Her grandma always said she had been like a fish from the start.

She was climbing a tree, escaping from whatever monster she had thought up. In those woods all her fantasies were real, and she was the main character. Sometimes even if she wasn’t pretending she would see a dragon or banderbear, like a huge fantasy book. Or maybe a different world. Then she watched as her grandma hung clothes on the line making Olivia’s porch bedroom into a swirl of colours. She let her thoughts wonder freely in her mind, taking her back in her day dreams.

They were interrupted when her father said it was time for lunch. Of course he had to go to a fancy restraunt, and it took forever to get their food. Her father talked about politics like always. Who talks about politics to their 15 year old daughter? She didn’t even try to make it seem like she cared. She played with her food, sometimes responding with a yeah or hmmm. He topped it off by complaining about her clothes, even though she already knew tank-tops and doodled on jeans weren’t up to his standards. She was pretty good at blocking people out though.

The last few hours of the trip dragged by, Olivia couldn’t wait to get there. She absentmindedly pulled her brush through her red hair and re-applied her light makeup. She looked nothing like her dad. Pale skin against tan. Red fly away hair next to her dads sleek and black. Their shape was mostly the same just not the colouring. She sighed wondering what her mother looked like.

She stared out the window. There was countryside all around her. They were getting close. When they finally pulled up all of Olivia’s built up excitement rushed out at once and she leaped out of the car while it was still moving. The old Minnesotan farm house was perfect.

Spoiler
I know this is really bad in all aspects. Sorry. . .
Last edited by ArahniaSiddel on Tue Jun 01, 2010 3:23 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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I think it was very good! You get a feel for what Olivia is like straight away. Maybe you could drop hints as to what she and her Dad look like? Her Dad seems to be fairly anonymous in this piece, if you know what I mean, but I know it's just a short section and maybe his personality comes through later on.
The only thing is it never mentions that she's looking forward to going to her grandmother's house until she actually gets there. I was under the impression that she found the trip to her grandmother's dull and repetitive until she was there and suddenly she was 'brimming with excitement.' These are just small criticisms though but overall I really thought it was written very well! It's not normally the kind of book I would read but I wouldn't mind reading more of this as long as it cheered up a bit after a while. Which I'm sure it will.
Of course it's all up to you what you do with the story! Good luck! Hope I helped a little bit! xx




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O.K. Thanks for the help :) I will work on that.




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Heya :smt003
Here to review as requested, cos I is cool.


Olivia stepped into the parking lot and breathed in/out deeply.

I think that you should either put in or out in between breathed and deeply.

She didn’t want to hear about their new boyfriend or their awful grade. They stopped.

It sounds kind of weird where you've said 'They stopped'. I think that you need to be a bit more specific. Simply change it to something like, 'So they stopped talking to me'. If you do that though, you should make the two sentences into one. :wink:

Scanning the parking lot for her father’s car, Olivia fingered her necklace.


It was a tiny jar of sand on a thin silver string. The jar was thin and about an inch long.

The repetition of the word 'thin' here doesn't sound very good. Try changing the first 'thin' to something like 'graceful' or maybe change the second 'thin' to something as simple as 'small'.

Instead of a cork, there was a small lock. Through the years, Olivia had tried all the keys she could find, but it never worked.


She hated it when people stared at her because of her dads money.


One; he didn’t attempt a conversation because he knew she despised him. Two; she only saw him about once a year. Three; he gave awesome allowances.

When you are listing things like a,b,c or One, Two, Three e.t.c, it's always good to use semi colons instead of commas. Remember that. :)

Only a few words were spoken between Olivia and her father until they drifted into silence.

Until sounded better her.

This car ride was going to be way too long.

The dreaded to, two and too's. :wink: I'll explain that to you later.

She sifted through her memories, pausing for a moment at each one. There she was, easily learning how to swim.


Next, she was climbing a tree, pretending that wolves were after her.


According to him, she didn’t live up to her standards. Pretty soon, she blocked him out.


She absentmindedly pulled her brush through her red hair, and re-applied her makeup.

You don't need the comma here. :)

Their shape wasn’t even slightly the same. She sighed[color=#FF0000],[/color] wondering what her mother looked like.

Making us readers ask questions there. Good. :wink: You seem to be mixing up your their, they're and there's though.

But, then she realized they were pulling up! All of her built up excitement rushed out at once and she leaped out of the car while it was still moving. The old Minnesotan farm house was so small compared to all the skyscrapers she had seen for the past months. It was perfect.

I thought that the last part sounded better as two different sentences. :)


Overall

For an introduction, this was quite good. Thankfully, your MC isn't particularly annoying and neither is her father. I can't really comment all that much on this, simply because it was rather short and not an awful lot happened. I will try my best though to comment on the things that I did and didn't like! I highlighted a part that I especially liked in blue. It was when you mentioned Olivia's mother. You got us readers thinking about where her mother was. Well done for that! It's always good to make the readers ask questions, especially at the beginning of a story. :)

My main critique is probably your grammar. I noticed that you seem to get mixed up with the two, to and too's as well as the their, they're and there's. Don't worry though, I'm here to help. Well, I'll try and help anyway. I'll try and explain what each one of these words mean. Sorry if I end up being really unclear.


Two - The number. One, two, three, four, e.t.c

To - What you put before an action or a place where you are going. I'm going to dance, I'm going to the toilet, I don't want to cry, I'm going to England.

Too - When there is too much of something. It's too hot, it's too dirty, you're too cruel.

There - Describing a place. It's over there, I don't want to go there, is it there?

Their - Something that belongs to someone. It's their car, don't take their apples, where's their dignity?

They're - They are. They're tired, they're really funny, they're so strange.


I hope I've cleared things up a bit there. Once you learn what word means what, you will have no trouble in using them correctly. I have to say though, you actually do you use them correctly sometimes. I just noticed that you have a tendency to get confused about where and when to use them.

My other critique is the fact that I think this is moving a bit quickly. I would like to get to know Olivia a bit more. I like the fact that you don't tell us about her mum though, don't reveal that yet! I would like to know a bit more about her father's personality, for example. You say that he's not a very good father, but I'd like to see it. Maybe you could start a conversation between Olivia and her father? That way, you could make us understand his personality a bit better. I also think that a bit of dialogue would make this piece a bit more colourful as well. As for the pacing, it is definitely moving a bit too fast. Maybe you could describe what your MC sees a bit more? Maybe even go into a bit more detail about her memories with her grandparents? That would help us get to know Olivia as well. :)

Overall, you definitely have potential. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and edit this up a bit. If you do that, you really could end up with a great piece of writing here! I also agree with some of the things that Andrea said. When she said that Olivia's excitement about her visit to her grandmother's house. It didn't really come across that she was excited about going at the beginning. :wink:

Keep writing

xoxo Rhian
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Wow. That was excellent- I can't wait for another chapter! I really heard the distinctive voice of Olivia and I could literally feel her emotions. The only thing i would consider changing is to maybe add a little more description to things to to make the understanding of Olivia, her situation, and where she is a little richer. Anywho- please keep writing this story.
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It's not bad in all aspects! This is actually quite intriquing! You've left me wondering if the fantasies she remembered were real or imagined, if her father is REALLY her father, what's going to happen next... I'm really interested in this. :) There are a few things you need to work on, but for the most part this is really good!

You could maybe use a little more proofreading...

'non-social' I think the word you want is antisocial, or 'she wasn't a social person'.

'there awful grade' There should be their.

'ssc ultimate aero' I'm not a car/whatever person, so I'm not exactly certain what this is, but I'm pretty sure it should have some capital letters in there somewhere. ;)

There are a few places that could maybe be smoothed out a little, but... Yeah, I really like this. ^^ And I'm liking Olivia. You're doing a really good job with her, I think. :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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Thank you for all the help! I know grammar isn't my strong suite. :? :D I made some changes.

A. S.




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Salve. First, before I start cutting and slicing up (in a good way of course), I have to tell you that I only want to help. And also feel free to use my examples that I give you in your story. You can improve them or keep them like that.

Olivia stepped into the parking lot and breathed in deeply.

- "Olivia stepped into the parking lot and took a deep breath, to clear her mind. With a quick look over it she recognized her... class-mates. She sighed."
- Ok. You started good. Need a bit more details.

She was glad to be rid of the school; not just the teachers, but the students. Not just the stuck up cheerleaders or the bullies. Everyone. This boarding school was her personal hell. Part of it was her own fault though. At the beginning of the year people had talked to her, but pretty soon they had realized she was antisocial. She didn’t want to hear about their new boyfriend or their awful grade. Pretty soon they stopped.

- This part seems to lack something. A bit more description of what happened would help. Also the explanation why she was so antisocial.
- "She was glad to be rid of the school. The end of the classes was the best part of the day, just by the fact that in about 30 minutes she would be home alone, and not in the sardonic and curios looks of the teachers and other students. That bloody boarding school was her personal hell, that kind of ugly thing that you sometimes must face in your life without the possibility to escape it. In the first days of school, everybody was friendly and trying to get along with her, but she hated the subjects of their conversation. She didn't care who was with who, or what did someone do with her or his boyfriend or girlfriend.
In a short time she became that antisocial girl. And everybody looked at her as if she had an invisible tag on her back saying "Freak!""

Through the years, Olivia had tried all the keys she could find, but it never worked.

- Getting a crazy imagine of her smashing that necklace with a hammer. =)))

Only a few words were spoken between Olivia and her father until they drifted into silence

- This line is kinda strange. Change it. Polish your descriptions... You`ll see it will work out in the style of your writing.

Next, she was climbing a tree, pretending that wolves were after her. In those woods all her fantasies were real. Sometimes even if she wasn’t pretending she would see a dragon or elf.

- Cut the "next".
- Also some polishing would do any harm.
- "She sometimes climbed a tree, pretending that wolves were after her. In that forest she was the main character of her fantasies. She could be anything. That forest became an extension of her imagination as she sometimes, even though she wasn't thinking about a dragon or an elf she would see them, like a surreal dream.

Then she watched as her grandma hung clothes on the line making Olivia’s porch bedroom into a swirl of colours. Her mind wondered like this for while.

- I don't think she had a grandma that was obsessed in washing clothes. I don't think she did the same thing every time she was in the tree. (I hope so... o.O)
- At the wondering part - "She let her thoughts wonder freely in her mind, taking her back in her day dreams."

They were interrupted by lunch.

- Who`s "they"? You were talking about Olivia, not about everyone.

Her father talked about politics. Who talks about politics to their 15 year old daughter?

- My father also talks about politics with me and I am 15 so I know what she is thinking.
- "Her father always talked about politics like she was interested at her 15 years. She pretended to listen, to understand as she played with her food uninterested of the subject."

He also talked about her clothes. Every year he complained that she didn’t look presentable. Tank-tops and doodled on jeans didn’t give a good image. According to him, she didn’t live up to her standards. Pretty soon, she blocked him out.

- "Ah, yes! And after that he always finished with complaints about how she looked and about her clothes. Tank-tops and doodled on jeans didn't make him happy. Olivia understood quickly that she wasn't living up to her father`s standards. Pretty soon, she learned how to block him out."
- Just try putting yourself in the character`s shoes.

But, then she realized they were pulling up! All of her built up excitement rushed out at once and she leaped out of the car while it was still moving. The old Minnesotan farm house was so small compared to all the skyscrapers she had seen for the past months. It was perfect.

- The excitement is kind too spontaneous after the lines before with Olivia keeping mostly to herself. Try making it more light, or putting a "bridge" before that. Gradually building the feelings towards excitement.

Overall I must admit it has potential, you just need to work out at the details and polish some stuff here and there. Hope it helped!

Dante




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Thank you for the long reviews! I didn't think I would get so many.




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Hiya!This was well written and i really could sympathize with her, lol, i know alot of kids like her actually and how she feels, so bravo to you for making her a relatable human! Well, i'll try not to ramble on to much in this post, im just very good at rambling and sometimes you've got to play towards your strength, and there i go again, rambling, lol. I like her name, Olivia, its a sweet name and thier car is B.A.! Not one i would drive, i like classics, but still, i wouldn't turn it down lol, oh, more rambling, well, i guess i should stop before i go crazy (crazier) well, bye for now!
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