Innocently Guilty

I will take you up on that offer.

Wow, this is really good beginning. I have to admit that I am intrigued. Where are you planning to go with this? I'd love to hear more.

On another note, just a little constructive criticism:

Some of your sentences are too short, and some of them are too long. Try separating some or conjoining others. It makes all the difference.

The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through fabric of her dress when she ran too close to the trees.

A bit too long. Why not;

The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through the fabric of her dress when she ran too close.

Twigs were catching in her hair.

A bit too short. What about;

Twigs were catching in her hair, tearing thick strands of her ______ coloured hair from the roots.

Her breathing grew ragged. It seemed as though she had been running for hours. In reality, it had only been minutes.

Short/long mix.
Her breathing grew ragged, and the air scrapped against the dry planes of her throat. She felt as if she had been running for hours, even though it had only been minutes. Frantic sobs erupted from her throat and twined with the uproar behind her. She didn’t want to die.

Her tears blinded her. Stumbling over a fallen branch, she put her hand down to catch her fall. Her palm scraped and warm blood trickled from her wound. As the howling behind her grew closer, she misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle. She crumpled to the ground.

I’m not too fond of this paragraph. It just seems like everything. Is. Like. This.
She. Ran. Faster. They. Caught. Up.
Try:

Her tears blinded her, blurring her sights of the dark forest bed. Instinctively she put her hand down to catch her fall as she stumbled over a fallen branch. The branch scraped her palm, allowing warm blood to trickle from her wound.

She tore a shard of her mangled dress and wrapped it around the wound. The ____ fabric turned to red as the blood oozed through. Hearing the howling behind her grow closer, she scrambled to get up. Misplacing her footing, she twisted her ankle and crumpled to the ground. Trying to ignore the pain roaring in her ankle, she scrambled up and hobbled away from her approaching demise.

Good luck! Pm me if you continue .

Nice. Very well done and nicely written. It's very easy to sympathize with Liona. I felt very bad for her at the last part as she described her hunger. I really like food, so it makes me sad...

It was also easy to picture where she was and who she was running from. I think your descriptions are amazing. You also captured the emotional side expertly. I would definitley read part 2.

One thing, I notice that you tend to use a lot of pronouns. There are a lot of sentences that begin with she. Repetition can get really annoying, so try to tone that down a little.

It makes me mad that the villagers are chasing her because they think she is a witch without any proof, especially her friends and family. I hope she IS a real witch, so then she can have her revenge!

...Sorry, I tend to have an evil nature.

So, anyways. Great story. It really hooked me, though I'm usually more attracted to comical fantasy, this one was surprisingly intriguing. Normally I'm not a fan of sad stories, but I foresee potential in Liona that she won't take any crap from anyone anymore. At least, I hope so.

PM me when you put up the next one.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

Thanks for the reviews.

Sorry there isnt' much to critique, but it seems as though everyone has pointed everything out! I really like the idea of the Salem Witch Trials. It's rather ironic since I just finished reading a book about them called The Secret Circle! Well, I hope you write more of this; it's rather interesting! Keep going!

I love the Secret Circle books. Thanks for the reviews, they really helped. I have just now wrote chapter two if you want to keep reading.

I really enjoyed reading this! The emotions were so real and I could really visualize your writing!
First chapters are the hardest. Keep writing!

Wow. And that's an under statement.

Anyway, in addition to that it's perfect, everyone else - 21 people...I think that must end up in the Genus Book of World Records - has already pointed out as much as humanly possible. it was a great beginning, looking forward to part two!

She put on an extra spurt of speed.

This was all I found that no one else mentioned, I don't think. It's just awkward, the whole "put on" phrase. How about something like, In one last, final attempt, she ducked her head down and ran harder in an extra spurt of speed.

All in all, it's a good beginning. I like it. You have some good dialogue, you've introduced some interesting-sounding characters, and the plot is beginning already.

Only thing I would work on is setting. Is it cold? Is it frighteningly dark? Do the trees seem like intimidating, frowning shadows? Just a few examples of what you could do with this.

And that's it. Keep writing.

KJ

Thanks!

Salem, Massachusetts

November 5, 1692

The Salem Witch Trials. Interesting, its a time that I have studied into.

Branches whipped her face, arms and legs as she ran. The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through fabric of her dress when she ran too close to the trees. Twigs were catching in her hair. Shadows from the swaying bows skirted around her as she ran, like desperate hands trying to her drag her down with their claws.

Nice way to open the story. It immediately caught my attention and holds it. I can only find one mistake however. It should have a comma after arms in the opening sentance.

“Witch!” they screamed. Glancing back she saw the bright, bobbling torchlight. She put on an extra spurt of speed.

An extra spurt of speed sounds, well, not flowing with everything else. Maybe an extra burst of speed, or she quickened her pace.

Her breathing grew ragged. It seemed as though she had been running for hours. In reality, it had only been minutes. Frantic sobs erupted from her mouth. She didn't want to die.

I'm sitting on the edge of the seat wondering whats about to happen next. I can't wait.

Liona knew she could not last much longer.

I like the effect of this being here. But if this sentance is going to be here, I would suggest that you take out the sentance before it. Its basically saying the same thing.

Her tears blinded her. Stumbling over a fallen branch, she put her hand down to catch her fall. Her palm scraped and warm blood trickled from her wound. As the howling behind her grew closer, she misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle. She crumpled to the ground.

Her is used alot. It gets really repetitive and I would suggest you vary your sentance structure a little more here. Here you should replace the word crumpled with something else. Maybe collapsed, or something along those lines.

The torchlight came closer and filled her with desperate strength. Using her arms, she dragged herself into the shadows of a great oak tree. She tried to conceal herself in the shadows, but it was futile. Her white dress stood out like a flickering candle.

I like the comparison between the white dress and a flickering candle. Although, I don't seeing anyone dragging themselves by just their arms going over trr trunks and whatever else is on a forest floor.

Sobbing, she slumped against the tree. However, she didn't come to rest against the base of the tree, but kept falling. Hitting the cold uncaring ground with a grunt, she looked around with surprise. Noticing that the tree was hollow, she searched for a hole. Her hands went through a space, and the rest of her followed soon after.

Tree is repeated over and over here. You can use it.

She smelled the damp earth and could hear every heartbeat as she heard the threatening footsteps grow closer. Even though she knew that they couldn't see her, she flinched every time they screamed that they found her. It was a common tactic used in finding fugitives.

I think that you should take out the last sentance in this paragraph. It doesn't reallly fit there.

The villagers roared past, like animals searching for their prey. She let out a sigh of relief. She was out of danger, at least, until morning. They would continue to search until just before midnight, and then start again at dawn. Keeping this is mind; she cleared the weeds in her tiny hole and stacked them carefully in front of the entrance.

Can't see anything wrong here. Except that you use alot of telling. Use some more showing.

When she was satisfied that she wasn't visible, she curled up into a little ball. Liona fell asleep, listening to nature’s lullaby.

I like the natures lullaby there.


****

Familiar, frustrated voices woke her the next morning.

“I told you she was a witch!” one villager said.


Others agreed, “I saw her, it was around midnight, you know witch’s hour. She just disappeared, right into the night!”


The pack of villagers moved away. Liona chanced a peek out of the cracks in the tree. She saw Elizabelle, her once best friend, searching for her. She also noticed that her two older twin brothers, Jarent and Rellio were there. Tears threatened to overflow. All of them had grown up with her.


“I never would have guessed that Liona was a witch. She was always so nice and caring. Mother told me not to be around her anymore. I wish that it wasn’t her,” Elizabelle started crying, and Liona turned her head.


Jarent patted her back. “I miss her too. Liona could never have been a bad witch, she was nice to everyone. I don’t see why they send us out here. They can’t help that they are born that way. I’d help her if I could.”


Rellio cuffed them across the head. “Talk like that will get us hung. Just get over the fact that Liona is wanted dead and anyone showing sympathy will be in the same boat she’s in. Let’s go.”

I don't like this part, this dialogue in the story. It's not very realistic.

As they walked away, Liona resisted the urge to jump out and follow them. She knew that it would be useless, and they would be in the same danger she was. Anyone that harbored or helped a witch was as guilty as the witch herself. Instead, she let the tears pour. She stared at the ancient bark that harbored her here safely.


Standing up, she observed her hide away. The hole was just big enough for her to stand up in. Roots twisted in and out of the bark. Leaves that had blown in from previous winds rested on the floor in a thin layer. Stretching her hands out, she noticed that her palms rested on each side. It was cramped.


To add to her misery, her stomach started to ache. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. Feeling that things couldn't get any worse, she reflected on the day she was caught.

I'm waiting for the next part. You build up alot of excitement in this part and please keep it going. I'm on the edge of my seat and can't wait. Overall though I think that maybe you can use some different diction and that you vary your sentance structure. Good luck with your writing.

Pretty good, but work a little harder on developing a character description.

Hmmm... Can't figure out what it is. Maybe a little more character description. As I say, "Do they like waffles? Are they mentally sound? If you took more than 3 seconds for each then you haven't thought up enough about them."