Faceless

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FACELESS

Is that her?

You crouch down behind bushes, behind bramble, behind undergrowth. Tall, thin, gangly trees stretch up from the forest floor. Wind whispers through the tree branches. Clouds of autumn leaves rustle past you, swirling in the wind. Sunlight gleams through the branches above you, streaming down through the forest. You look forward, your eyes widening.

The trees surround you, enclosing you.

Up ahead, through the trees, stands a little girl with her back to you. She stands in the underbrush, unmoving.

Is that her?

Slung on her back is a school backpack. A pink backpack, contrasting with the green trees around her. Her head is bowed down. Barely, slightly, her arm moves. In her hand, she holds a knife.

A gleaming butcher knife.

Falling from twisted branches, leaves drift through the air. Floating, drifting, the leaves fall to the forest floor, landing in the undergrowth.

Can the trees hide you?

Terror rushes through you. Your eyes gaze at the girl ahead of you. Your eyes gaze at the knife.

She drops the knife into the undergrowth. Slowly, she turns toward you.

An icy chill prickles down your back. You do not move. You stop breathing.

The girl has no face. Just skin, and a mouth. Bright red lipstick, the color of blood, glistens on her lips.

Can she see you?

"No, of course not," you say. "She has no eyes."

She begins to walk toward you.

Leaves swirl through the trees, rustling. The wind rushes past tree branches. Trees creak. Dead branches lay twisted in the undergrowth. The undergrowth sways in the wind.

She is coming for you.

Something brushes against your leg. Something grips your ankles. You look down at your feet.

The undergrowth wraps around you, seeming to come alive. It twists and knots around your ankles. Thorny plants clutch at you, tightening, cutting your legs and clothes.

You cannot run.

She walks past the gangly trees. The undergrowth clears out of her way, making a path beneath her feet. Her hands grasp the straps of her backpack. Her knuckles turn white.

A trickle of blood runs down your leg.

Sunlight seeps into the forest. The jagged tree branches high above waver in the wind. A breeze blows through the trees. Leaves rustle.

The undergrowth fastens to your ankles. You try to break free, and fall on your back. The grassy undergrowth ensnares your arms, your neck, your body, claiming you.

She stands above your body.

Emotionless, you look up at her. You struggle to move, to break free. But you are stuck, restrained to the ground.

You cannot hide.

Her lips open. Her teeth are clenched. Her face – she has no face. Just lips, blood red lips opening to show clenched teeth.

"Found you." She crouches down, her face approaching yours. "Want to hear a secret?" She licks her lips, smeared with blood-red lipstick. Her mouth whispers into your ear. "You have to let me inside you first."

In a sudden chill, adrenaline courses through your body. Muscles flexing, muscles straining, you try to move.

The undergrowth stretches and begins to tear. The thorny bramble begins to shake loose from the soil.

"What?" you say. "Get away from me."

She remains bent over you. You can smell her breath in your face – the smell of burnt ash. "I want inside. Please don't reject me." Her hair seems to shine in the sunlight. "Just open your mind." Her blood red lips come closer to you. "Let me in."

A sensation tingles in the back of your mind. You stretch and strain. Thorns cut deeper. Blood seeps from the cuts.

In an instant, the thorny bramble tears loose from the ground. The undergrowth relents.

In a burst of energy, your arms move. Your hands grip her throat. You push her away.

The forest spins around you. You are running, running through the forest. Tall, gangly trees seem to rush past you. You don't know where you're going, but you run. The ground blurs beneath you. You slow down. Blood oozes from your legs. You turn your head, and look behind you.

In the distance, she covers her ears and opens her mouth, as if to scream.

In a jolt of pain, you clutch at your ears, but hear nothing. Piercing silence stings your ears. You can hear nothing. But the pain in your ears – the pain sears your head, your mind. You cannot breathe. Your heart seems to stop beating. Your chest, your lungs, throb with pain.

A burst of fire ignites beneath the girl. The flame leaps at the nearby trees, setting the gangly trees ablaze. The girl stands in the fire, unscathed.

The trees around her erupt in flames. Flames spiral up the trees, ascending up the narrow tree trunks. The smell of burning wood fills the air. Fire spreads from tree to tree, engulfing, consuming everything in its path. Everything, except the girl. The faceless girl, standing with her knuckles turned white, clutching the straps of her backpack.

She is coming for you.

You stagger forward. Your arms outstretched, touching the trees to steady yourself. "I need to get out of here," you say. "I must get out."

Blood is streaming down your legs. You no longer care. You must keep going. You must.

Behind you fire engulfs the trees, devouring the underbrush. Flames descend upon the undergrowth, and rush toward you. Dense smoke billows about the forest. Black clouds cover the sky. The sunlight is extinguished.

The fire burns closer, closer, coming for you. Coming to burn you, to consume you.

You turn in different directions. You stumble, and trip on a twig. A dead twig.

The forest grows dark about you. You can hear the fire crackling, blazing. The smoke surrounds you, filling your lungs, choking you. Your eyes sting. The forest becomes hazy. You have difficulty seeing.

You cough. You stand up. You keep going.

Fire is coming for you.

You stumble around, losing your sense of direction. This part of the forest seems familiar. Were you here before?

Suddenly you stop. The trees in front of you are immersed in flame. Through the smoke, you think you see someone.

You call out to them. Whoever they are, it doesn't matter. Someone, anyone. "Hey, hello," you say. Coughing, your voice is hoarse, parched, dry. "Help," you say. "Help me."

The person comes toward you.

Fear runs through you. Your heartbeat quickens.

It is her.

The person is a little girl. She is wearing a backpack, and has no face. Her lips – her blood red lips – break into a smile. She walks toward you.

Your foot hits something in the underbrush. A glint of light shines up at you. You bend down, and reach your hand to touch it.

A sharp burst of pain splits your finger. Your finger is cut. Moving the underbrush aside, you look closer. It is a knife.

A butcher knife.

Fire blazes around you. Smoke swirls and churns through the air. Gangly trees crackle, crackling as the flame devours them. The underbrush withers as the fire burns. The fire roars about you.

You reach down and pick up the knife.

You look up.

The girl with no face stands in front of you. Her blood-red lips grin. "Pretty fire," she says. "Don't you think it's pretty?"

You hold the knife up before you. It gleams in the flickering light. "Stay away. Let me go."

"Let me inside your mind," says the little girl. "Just let me in." She steps closer to you. "Don't be silly. Don't be afraid." She takes another step toward you. Closer. Too close to you. "Let me control you."

Don't listen to her.

You stab the knife into her. No blood appears. The girl just stands there. Her mouth twists into a smile.

"That was mean." Her hand grips the knife hilt. "Are you trying to kill me?" Her grin widens, and she shoves the knife in deeper. "Do you know what I am? I'm a demon."

The fire roars about you, blazing, flaming. Wisps of smoke spiral between the trees. Black clouds of smoke rise to the sky. The hazy air ripples from the heat.

Her lips, crusted in dried blood, draw closer. "I am a part of you. Did you know that?"

You shove the knife in deeper. Still no blood appears.

She grabs you, pulling you closer. "Just let me in. Give me what I deserve."

Don't listen to her.

"Give it," says the little girl. The cute little girl with no face. "I want inside." She grabs your head with her hands. "Let me control you."

You twist the knife. She lets go of you. She stumbles backward, and with a knife stuck in her, she begins to glow orange. A girl glowing, with a knife stuck in her.

A butcher knife.

You shield your eyes. A burst of light and flame surrounds you. The heat grows unbearable. You catch on fire. You watch as you burn. Your eyes close tightly.

Eyes closed, darkness surrounds you. You drop to the ground. The pain leaves you. The fire disappears. You lay still. The forest becomes calm. Your eyes are still shut.

You try to open your eyes. Nothing happens. Your hands clutch at your face. You feel no eyelids, no eyebrows, no nose. Just skin, and a mouth.

A voice speaks in your head. "We're going to have a lot of fun together," says the voice. "Now, what's under your skin?"

Stumbling, your arms outstretch, feeling, groping. Your bring your hands back to your face. Your eyes are gone. Your face is gone.

"Want to hear a secret?" the voice says in your head. "But I can't tell you; it's a secret."

You are hungry. You must eat to survive.

Sunlight warms your skin. The forest becomes calm and still.

"I can't tell you, because it's a secret."

Licking your lips, you taste dried blood.
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Hey =]

Wow! This was super creepy!

I loved the imagery you used and I could really imagine myself in the forest with the faceless girl.

I definitely think that you have succeeded in pulling off a piece of writing in second person. It's hard to do and sometimes it makes the piece hard to read, but I didn't find this at all when I read this.

I think it flowed well and I enjoyed reading it - even though it was creepy.

I don't really have any grammatical issues to point out - someone esle might though.

The only thing I would say is that although you repeat words and descriptions to provise emphasis, sometimes, in places, it bogged the piece down.

Great job though! :D

xDudettex
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Hello, I'm here to review your writing!! Sorry if I am a little harsh. I'm just trying to help your writing be the best that it can be and these ARE just suggestions.

Ready? Okay!



First of all... Second person... Hm... I don't think stories should be written in second person, and I can cite several books and articles that tell you the same thing. It's not a very comfortable way to read. It doesn't draw the readers into the story and it instead distracted me the entire time. The whole time I was thinking: "Stop telling me what I'm doing because I'm not doing it! I'm trying to read a story here!"
This is just my opinion, but I hope you consider changing it to 1st or 3rd. I personally think 1st would work very well for this piece as it tends to be more gripping for a shorter piece of writing.


Okay, I'm going to treat this like I would any story. Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking you, I've just been really into reading Twilight commentaries lately :P

"No, of course not," you say. "She has no eyes."

If I were trying to hide... I wouldn't be saying anything. Maybe say that it was thought? Also... it says that the person stopped breathing, so talking does work for that, either ;)

"What?" you say. "Get away from me."

There should probably be more emotion than this...

...the smell of burnt ash.

Ash is already burned. Yes, I know this is incredibly nit-picky, but maybe just do "ash" or "fire/smoke and ash".

The faceless girl, standing with her knuckles turned white, clutching the straps of her backpack.

All of this is stated before.

You stumble, and trip on a twig. A dead twig.

The word "twig" just seems rather anticlimactic to me ;) Maybe a different word would serve the story better.

A butcher knife.

The only knife in this piece is a butcher knife, so we would assume that it is a butcher knife ;) Maybe even say "the girl's knife" or something. It's up to you.

A butcher knife.

Yes. A butcher knife :twisted:

You must eat to survive.

Most people do ;)



Okay. I don't have much time, so I'll make this short. I notice that you describe the girl's lips. Several times. If you are trying to give this a more poetic feel, as I have a hunch you very well may be, feel free to ignore many of my comments above ;)

I'm not sure if this is a one-shot or the first part, but keep writing!
-Lydia <3
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Wow.
This is like nothing I have ever read before. It was so creepy, because of the innocent little girl as the demon.

On the idea of second person, I like it. It suits your story, and makes it seem even scarier-kinnd of nlike a nightmare, because it's like your watching yourself doing things but have no control over it.
Creepy!

All in all, I really enjoyed it. Your writing is so unique.
'Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night'-Edgar Allan Poe

'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'-Eleanor Roosevelt




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Thanks for all the comments.

(For those of you who liked it, more stories are coming).

LydiaB, if you ever read this message, thanks for the critique.

I think I might have figured out a better way to use second person.

It involves using the future tense. (Hope it works, I'll have to experiment).

Like I said, more stories are coming.
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
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wow! That was....uh.....well, that was disturbing! In a good way of course! :) but ya, wow very interesting how it was in second person. It seemed like it was a dream you were having but couldn't stop. Very, Very creepy how the girl had no face except for a mouth.

One thing though. I understand how this is supposed to be very creepy and weird. And having very short, very descriptive sentences helps with that, but the beginning paragraph was very sudden. My advice is at the beginning just fastly ease your readers into choppy sentences. But I really like how you wrote this story.
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"Is that her?"

you write this twice at the beginning. Which confuses me for some reason. are we supposed to know her? or be looking for someone in the forest at first?

Like the others said...CREEPY... haha, this is really original, i've never read anything quite like this. You have your own personal writing style that I can see now, very cool.
"Hey what's that thing on your head?!"

"your mom"

"oh..."




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Heya
This was...amazing. I have no experience with horror-fantasy, but this was just a pure masterpiece. I really loved your writing style. With this piece, you managed to hit the reader's emotions harder than most, or maybe that was just me. :lol:

Keep writing!
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First of all, I think you have an amazing talent for story-telling and setting a tense atmosphere. Your story is extremely strong throughout, and I liked the idea of the second person narrative (as opposed to many of your others readers) simply because it gave the reader the feeling as though they were in a dream and couldn't wake up, which added to the creepy feeling. The repetetiveness of parts of your story such as :

'Is that her?'

and

'A butcher knife.'

really helped the reader get familiar with some aspects and parts of your story, but then progressed to a point where these sentences held a dark feeling of their own. It was like the girl and the knife were sort of omens of fear.

I also loved the imagery and the flow of your words, although, like people have said before me: if you want the reader to immediatly recognize the tension and dark elements of this story, you'll have to start the first paragraph off with perhaps one or two desprictive sentences, then steadily decrease them as the paragraph continues, then you will have cleared the dark and anxious atmosphere, and will be free to use a range of short and longer sentences throughout the story.

Although, like any story, there are some small parts that could be improved;

Perhaps you should keep the 'of course not, she has no eyes' sentence, but make sure you have your character whispering it, as they are trying to hide, and do not want to be heard. Later on in the story, with parts such as: "What?" you say. "Get away from me.", have the character muttering to the faceless girl out of pure shock and fear, but have them thinking these things, but with much more tense emotion.

Choose your wording carefully, and try not to repeat facts that you have already cleared at previous points in the story. These are small sentences, such as: 'The faceless girl, standing with her knuckles turned white, clutching the straps of her backpack.', which just need replacing with ones that build the tension or give new information - but I understand that, as it is a short story, you may want to keep needless information at a minimum!
About the wording, there are just a few sentences that need the words changing to enforce tension or to 'show off' your great talent for descriptive writing; such as the use of the word 'twig'. Perhaps you could use branch?

Hope it helps
James (:
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Hello, elijah! ^^

Okay, maybe it was just me, but some things about this piece really made me sigh and take back my original thoughts on it. The first sentence, along with the title, really grabbed me. I've heard plenty stories about faceless people before, and I always like reading new twists on it.

No doubt it was creepy and cool. :D

--

Some of things I didn't like about it were the things that seemed overused in these types of stories:

- In every single one of the "faceless" stories I've read, the faceless one is a girl
- I think the fact that the knife she used was a butcher's knife took away some of the creepiness (why is everyone using them? do all psychos go to the same knife shop that sells only one kind?)
- I guess it was just me, but I didn't like the fire thing either. To me, it sort of distracted from the creepiness of the girl

--

Don't get me wrong, I like it! The imagery and mood in the beginning of the girl and the man there was really great. Besides the ending, it was my most favorite part.

I can't help but wonder though... what was the secret?

- kittykat
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar




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Ah, wow

Thanks for the comments everyone

I think I'm going to have the character be thinking 'of course not, she has no eyes.'

And yes, eventually I'll change the word 'twig' to 'branch.'


Kittykat, I don't know what your talking about...
I've never read any stories about faceless people. Ever.
And I haven't read many stories with girl villains.

(Btw, can you recommend some? I'm interested to see what other people did with my idea)

I made the demon a girl because girls are usually viewed as innocent and harmless, and I felt it would be creepier if I twisted that impression

I made the girl faceless just on a whim, a spur of the moment. I wanted the story to seem surreal... and honestly, I have no logical explanation as to why I decided to make the girl have no face.

(Although, symbolically, it could mean that she lacks an identity).

Hmm... I threw the knife in the story just to grab the readers attention, because nothing is too creepy about a schoolgirl standing in the woods.
A schoolgirl with a knife, now that's different.
A butcher knife? Actually, I just wanted the knife to be really big in comparison to the little girl. And besides... I like using the word 'butcher.' :P

But I agree, the butcher knife probably took away some creepiness.

The fire? You didn't like it? Interesting...

I put the fire in to add intensity, rather than to make the story more creepy.

Actually, to be honest, I put the fire in because that's how I imagined it.

I had no idea what this story was going to be about before I wrote it.
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
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I actually read this a long time ago, but didn't critique it.

-----------------

You crouch down behind bushes, behind bramble, behind undergrowth (was I behind anything else? Perhaps leaves, twigs and branches?). Tall, thin, gangly trees stretch up from the forest floor. Wind whispers through the tree branches. Clouds of autumn leaves rustle past you, swirling in the wind. Sunlight gleams through the branches above you, streaming down through the forest. You look forward, your eyes widening. (We all know that controlling sentence length varies the pace of the story. But we also know that you ca choke a story or hinder it by not having enough variation of length, or sticking to one length. Reading this aloud makes me think that the narrator is shouting.)

Slung on her back is a school backpack. A pink backpack, contrasting with the green trees around her. Her head is bowed down. Barely, slightly, (could you add any more descriptive words here meaning the same thing? I don't think there are enough) her arm moves. In her hand, she holds a knife.

A gleaming butcher knife.

Falling from twisted branches, leaves drift through the air. Floating, drifting, the leaves fall to the forest floor, landing in the undergrowth. (repetition - I'm not quite sure if you're doing it on purpose or accidentally. You've already mentioned leaves falling through the air, you've already mentioned the wind)

She drops the knife into the undergrowth (why? "Oh look at me, I'm a scary girl with a knife. Oh I know, I'll drop it. Because that's what makes sense."). Slowly, she turns toward you.

Leaves swirl through the trees, rustling. The wind rushes past tree branches. Trees creak. Dead branches lay twisted in the undergrowth. The undergrowth sways in the wind. (the undergrowth sways in the wind? *raised eyebrow*)

She is coming for you. (Just in case we didn't get the message before, right?)

Something brushes against your leg. Something grips your ankles. (Quoting you here: "In my humble opinion, stories should tell what happens as it happens. Readers like me want to know what is happening now, not sometimes. In other words, avoid using words like 'sometimes' [and 'something'].") You look down at your feet.

Sunlight seeps into the forest. The jagged tree branches high above waver in the wind. A breeze blows through the trees. Leaves rustle. (All I can think when I read this is, "How many more times am I going to hear about the leaves, the branches and the wind? I don't recall great horror writers like Richard Laymon or Stephen King repeating descriptions over and over again.")

The undergrowth fastens to your ankles. (Just like it did the time before?) You try to break free, and fall on your back. The grassy undergrowth ensnares your arms, your neck, your body, claiming you.

Emotionless, you look up at her (Really? I wouldn't be emotionless. If you are struggling to break free in the paragraph before this sentence and in the sentence after this one, I'd imagine that the feeling accompanied by struggling would not be emotionless). You struggle to move, to break free. But you are stuck, restrained to the ground.

You cannot hide. (Stating the obvious?)

"Found you." She crouches down, her face approaching yours (didn't you just say she didn't have a face?). "Want to hear a secret?" She licks her lips, smeared with blood-red lipstick. Her mouth whispers into your ear. "You have to let me inside you first."

In a sudden chill, adrenaline courses through your body. Muscles flexing, muscles straining, (why not add, "muscles stretching", "muscles twitching", "muscles clenching" as well, just for the sake of it) you try to move.

"What?" you say. (LOL! Best line ever. Google it as "What you say?!") "Get away from me."

She remains bent over you. You can smell her breath in your face – the smell of burnt ash (isn't ash already burnt?). "I want inside. Please don't reject me." Her hair seems to shine in the sunlight. "Just open your mind." Her blood red lips come closer to you. "Let me in."

In the distance, she covers her ears (she has ears now?) and opens her mouth, as if to scream.

In a jolt of pain, you clutch at your ears, but hear nothing. Piercing silence stings your ears. You can hear nothing. But the pain in your ears – the pain sears your head, your mind. You cannot breathe (I assume that you mean "You still haven't stopped breathing." seeing as in the beginning of the story you had the reader stop breathing, and never indicated that they started to again). Your heart seems to stop beating. Your chest, your lungs, throb with pain.

A burst of fire ignites beneath the girl. The flame leaps at the nearby trees, setting the gangly trees ablaze (Wait. What? Gangly trees? No! Are you sure? It's not like they have been mentioned as "gangly" before). The girl stands in the fire, unscathed.

The trees around her erupt in flames (aren't they already ablaze? Or are they catching fire again?). Flames spiral up the trees, ascending up the narrow tree trunks. The smell of burning wood fills the air. Fire spreads from tree to tree, engulfing, consuming everything in its path. Everything, except the girl. The faceless girl, standing with her knuckles turned white, clutching the straps of her backpack.

You stagger forward (in the direction of the girl? Generally I walk in the direction I am looking). Your arms outstretched, touching the trees to steady yourself (seems illogical. If the fire is so fast moving as to spread from tree to tree and consume everything in its path, it's safe to assume that you, with your bleeding limbs, lack of oxygen and bestilled heart, couldn't have moved very far at all. In all aspects of the idea, the tree the reader just touched should have seared their hand). "I need to get out of here," you say. "I must get out."

You turn in different directions. You stumble, and trip on a twig. A dead twig. (. . . uh. . . This is akin to, "You run, you jump on the grass. The live grass." You know? It sounds ridiculous.)

The forest grows dark about you (I thought the sky was completely covered in black clouds of smoke? How can it get any darker? Also, wouldn't the light the fires cast kind of contradict this new description?). You can hear the fire crackling, blazing. The smoke surrounds you, filling your lungs, choking you (I'd imagine so - seeing as you're deprived of oxygen as it is). Your eyes sting. The forest becomes hazy. You have difficulty seeing.

You stumble around, losing your sense of direction. This part of the forest seems familiar. Were you here before? (I think me near silence speaks volumes)

Suddenly you stop. The trees in front of you are immersed in flame. Through the smoke, you think you see someone. (Here I have to ask. If the trees were previously encasing you, and the undergrowth thick against the forest floor, wouldn't all trees and all the ground be burning? Unless you were running abnormally fast without the aid of oxygen, you shouldn't have come across the situation of fire in front of you. In fact, if you were fast enough to avoid the fire in the first place, the only cause for fire to be in front of you is if you accidentally turned back around and started running in that directi- Oh. Wait. That's right. That actually happened. But wouldn't I just turn back the other way if I saw fire and the girl ahead? . . . nah. . . )

You call out to them. Whoever they are, it doesn't matter. Someone, anyone. (Quoting you again here: "In my humble opinion, stories should tell what happens as it happens. Readers like me want to know what is happening now, not sometimes. In other words, avoid using words like 'sometimes' ['someone' and 'something'].") "Hey, hello," you say. Coughing, your voice is hoarse, parched, dry (please more describing words, seeing as there simply aren't enough in this one sentence). "Help," you say. "Help me."

A sharp burst of pain splits your finger. Your finger is cut. (Sorry, I couldn't stop laughing here. All I could think of was Salad Fingers. Check him out at Newgrounds) Moving the underbrush aside, you look closer. It is a knife.

A butcher knife. (You could have caused so much confusion and created an incredible plot twist if you had claimed it was a butter knife, or a paring knife!)

Fire blazes around you. Smoke swirls and churns through the air. Gangly trees crackle, crackling as the flame devours them. The underbrush withers as the fire burns. (lucky you grabbed the knife, the butcher's knife, just in time) The fire roars about you.

You reach down and pick up the knife. (Oh wait. The underbush is on fire as you grab the knife. And yet you are immune. I understand now; this is how you've been getting through the forest without being charred to death)

You hold the knife up before you. It gleams in the flickering light. "Stay away. Let me go." (I assume this is said with no emotion, as is indicated by lack of exclamation mark?)

You stab the knife into her. (where?) No blood appears. The girl just stands there. Her mouth twists into a smile.

The fire roars about you, blazing, flaming. Wisps of smoke spiral between the trees. Black clouds of smoke rise to the sky. The hazy air ripples from the heat. (by now you would have suffocated from lack of oxygen - assuming that you finally drew breath as you talked)

Her lips, crusted in dried blood (wasn't it blood-red lipstick?), draw closer. "I am a part of you. Did you know that?"

You shove the knife in deeper. (so the girl grips the hilt, and allows you push the knife, the butcher's knife, in?) Still no blood appears.

"Give it," (do you mean "Give in"?) says the little girl. The cute little girl with no face (. . . this is akin to '"Woof," barks the little dog. The cute little dog with no face.'" Yes. Very cute indeed). "I want inside." She grabs your head with her hands. "Let me control you." (I can't decide if she wants to rape him/her [with some random appendage?] or what)

You twist the knife. She lets go of you. She stumbles backward, and with a knife stuck in her, she begins to glow orange. A girl glowing, with a knife stuck in her.

A butcher knife.

(Just. . . Goodness gravy. Read that. Read that out loud.)

You shield your eyes. A burst of light and flame surrounds you (you mean "more light and flame surrounds you"). The heat grows unbearable (Because it isn't already?). You catch on fire. You watch as you burn. Your eyes close tightly.

-------------

I liked the end though.

All in all, it was a decent story.

I still don't get how she got inside the reader when he/she didn't do anything that seemed to "let" the girl in.

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.




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Points 1121
Reviews 3
wow, this was really amazing
i really like the unique way you use the second person
it went really well and that rarely happens so congrats
though the bit were the faceless girl glows orange doesn't really go with the flow of the story, like it isn't as creepy as the rest, 'glowing orange' seems more angelic, right? but that's just my opinion and i'm just a beginner so it might not mean much
I'm sorry could you say that again? I couldn't hear you over my AWESOMNESS.



“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell