Preface to Passionfire

This is just a preface to a story. It isn't very long, but please let me know what you think



Rhys had never believed in a truly noble death. All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenceless victim. Something unfair. Something sick. But in the moment where he looked into the eyes of the man; the monster, that killed his father, he knew that he was about to have a noble death.

With a sickening grin on his face, the King said, "So, will you kill her? Or will I have to kill you, son?"

"You are no father of mine."

"Shut it, boy. Will you kill Tierra?"

Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripping from his cracked lip and bruises began to swell around his eye. Looking into the distance, he could only whisper, "I love her. She is my life. Don't ever ask me to kill her."

"Then you are a fool, boy." With those last words, King Edward left Rhys's cage and marched out of the dungeon, his heavy steps echoing ominously in the shadows.

So this is it? Death. A final end for the girl I love. Rhys could not help but curiously smile at the loyalty and valiant finish he would soon face. A herioc death, it truly will be, but she will not be here to see it. With that last thought, Rhys could not help but realize he would never get to say goodbye to the angel he fell in love with.

Hello! You're off to a good start, but I have a few suggestions.

All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenceless victim. Something unfair. Something sick. But in the moment where he looked into the eyes of the man; the monster, that killed his father, he knew that he was about to have a noble death.

Nice description here, but "defenceless" is spelled "defenseless". Also, the whole 'bad guy kills hero's father' seems overdone, especially in the fantasy genre.

"You are no father of mine."

In my opinion this line is also a bit overdone.

Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripping from his cracked lip and bruises began to swell around his eye.

Love your descriptions; very vivid.

You have very good descriptions in here but the subject matter seems cliche. Try shaking it up a bit and putting in some fresh ideas.

PM me when the next part is up please!

~N~

tierra_rhys17 wrote:This is just a preface to a story. It isn't very long, but please let me know what you think


(Hey there Tierra! I'm June and I am going to review this for you! )

Rhys had never believed in a truly noble death. All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenceless victim. Something unfair. Something sick. But in the moment where he looked into the eyes of the man; the monster, that killed his father, he knew that he was about to have a noble death.

With a sickening grin on his face, the King said, "So, will you kill her? Or will I have to kill you, son?"

"defenceless" should be "defenseless".

You know, this line "...he looked into the eyes of the man; the monster, that killed his father..."
would sound a good deal better if it were written like this;
"...he looked into the eyes of the monster; the man that killed his father"

It has more of a strong effect that way, but it's just a suggestion.

"You are no father of mine."

"Shut it, boy. Will you kill Tierra?"

Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripping from his cracked lip and bruises began to swell around his eye. Looking into the distance, he could only whisper, "I love her. She is my life. Don't ever ask me to kill her."

"Then you are a fool, boy." With those last words, King Edward left Rhys's cage and marched out of the dungeon, his heavy steps echoing ominously in the shadows.

So this is it? Death. A final end for the girl I love. Rhys could not help but curiously smile at the loyalty and valiant finish he would soon face. A herioc death, it truly will be, but she will not be here to see it. With that last thought, Rhys could not help but realize he would never get to say goodbye to the angel he fell in love with.

Curiously smile at loyalty? That kind of sounds... jumbled, ha ha.

You have pulled me in. And now, I'm really looking for the next part.


When a story is written perfectly, you should be able to feel the setting through words that do not describe the setting at all.

You did that well here. Forgive me if I am wrong, but this did not feel like present day. I can't pinpoint what time period exactly it seems, but it seems sometime in the past.

It was very well written. I want to read more about the events that lead up to this and the events that follow. Good, good job; keep it up.


June

Hello there!

I haven't seen you around here before. I'm Angel of Death but everyone calls me Angel *shakes hand*

I quite like this but the latter of this seems like it takes place in the past but then in little pieces it seems as though it is modern. This is a great beginning by the way and it really hooked me in.

Rhys had never believed in a truly noble death. All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenceless victim. Something unfair. Something sick. But in the moment where he looked into the eyes of the man; the monster, that killed his father, he knew that he was about to have a noble death.

I like this beginning.

"Shut it, boy. Will you kill Tierra?"

For some reason it does not seem like a King would say 'Shut it' I think Silence would suffice. And also the King asking him a question after he told him to be quiet is a little odd...I'd fix that.

Also, I think your dialog can be a little bit more colorful. They are royals, play with words.

So this is it? Death. A final end for the girl I love.

Here, he calls her a girl but at the end she is his angel. I'd go with something in the same caliber as angel. You know like beloved or simply my love.

Keep going with this, I think it has a lot of potential.

If you have questions or post some more of this, please PM me.

Ta,

~Angel

Thanks for the help you guys! I really appreciated your help and tried to use as many tips as I could in this rewrite without changing my storyline. Hope you guys enjoy the editted version!



Rhys had never believed in a truly noble death. All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenseless victim. Something unfair. Something sick. But in the moment where he looked into the eyes of the monster; the man that had killed his father, he then knew that he was about to have a noble death.

With a sickening grin on his face, the King said, "So, will you kill her? Or will I have to kill you, son?"

Rhys did not answer. His words were not worth the imposter standing before him.

"Speak, boy,” yelled Edward, giving him a kick to the ribs. “Will you kill Tierra?"

Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripped from his cracked lip and bruises were beginning to swell around his eye. Looking into the distance, he could only whisper, "I love her. She is my life. Don't you ever ask me to kill her."

"Then you are a fool, boy." With those last words, King Edward left Rhys's cage and marched out of the dungeon, his heavy steps echoing ominously in the shadows.

Is this what you’ve been wanting, Edward? My defeat? More power for your disturbed rule? Rhys could not help but admire the loyal and valiant finish he would soon face. A herioc death, it truly will be, but she will not be here to see it. With that last thought, Rhys could not help but realize he would never get to say goodbye to the angel he had fallen in love with.

Hey!

All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenseless =defenceless? victim.

This is awkwardly put, and the lack of correct grammar doesn't help--it's a fragment. Initially, reword it to: "Throughout his entire life, he had seen death as a cold, damp plague, eating away at its defenceless victim." Otherwise, you are implying, above everything else, that he fears other things whilst being a plague, if you see what I mean.

he then knew that he was about to have a noble death.

Firstly, I don't like the repetition. Secondly, what is a noble death? Or rather, what is a noble death to Rhys? Don't go into specifics, but some ideas about emotions leading to them would be of no harm. Also, isn't he scared? How? What tells us this?

Or will I have to kill you, son?"

Why underlined? Why not italicised? Or are you just trying to shove it down the reader's throat? Besides, can't you find a better way to point out the king is the father, rahter than addressing the son as, literally, son? Who says that anyway?

Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripped from his cracked lip and bruises were beginning to swell around his eye

The grammar monster strikes again. Should be: "Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripping from his lip and bruises starting to swell around his eye.

"I love her. She is my life. Don't you ever ask me to kill her."

Even though the King is not worthy of his words? Just stick something in here, like, "he said, breaking his vow of silence."

Alright, that's it for nitty-pickings.

My biggest issue with this is that, aside form being dangerously short, I have no idea who Rhys is. And not in a mystical, good way. See, there's no reason for me to care. I, myself, like the King best at the moment, because he's doing the dirty work as opposed to getting someone to do it for him. But I'm guessing it's from Rhys' viewpoint, and thus we need to get inside his head and make him human. It's all about "he did this, and he thought this, and was this," but we don't actually know why. Lengthen this out, start with him in the cell, thinking, with the King's footsteps patting along the ground and making him tremble. And what's a "heroic death"? Don't alienate us; we've only just met Rhys, so we need to get to know him.

You might also need to change your storyline if you want to improve it--the real problem is, however, in the smaller parts. The point of this preface is to get to know Rhys, and introduce the story, yes? Can you not do that with some character development? Namely, like I said, have him in the cell at the start, scared.

Keep with it--I'm interested to see where it goes.

Best,
Mark