Going Back

~nariel~ · 2008-09-15T01:18:38Z

Yeah, I know this is really short and I'm kinda info dumping about each of the characters, but I thought it would be easier just to introduce them in the prologue. Ideas? Suggestions? I just thought I'd get it out here. Nariel Prologue: Welcome to My Nightmare There’s something big happening and the world is looking around for help. But sadly, there won’t be help for long. There’s only so much we can do. In the end, we’ll just have to disappear like the rest. There are four of us: Tanslie, Jaye, Salem, and me. We’re all part of a larger group called the Ezilis, meaning blood. Ominous, I know. But, it fits our description. We hunt Afilias, monsters that bear many qualities of a butterfly. Think oversized fairies. But they aren’t the creatures of fairy tales. They’re ugly, deformed beasts; something you’d see in a Stephen King book. It’s something that would give you nightmares for months. That’s why it’s hard for everyone in the Ezilis, especially Jaye. I think she takes it harder than the rest of us, but that’s probably because she’s still fifteen and innocent. When you lose your innocence, that’s when killing just becomes killing. It’s never anything else when you’ve lost your innocence. Jaye still needs to lose that innocence inside of her. When she does, I have the confidence that she’ll be so much better at what we all do to survive. Salem is much the same, except he does better at hiding it. I think he lost some of his innocence before I even met him. Salem doesn’t talk much, but that makes him better at going undetected. Jaye worries a lot about him, Salem doesn’t understand though. I do. She loves him. But, all those teenage hormones inside her make her a coward when it comes to love. Tanslie…You really don’t know when she’s around. She thinks it’s because she’s boring, but I try to tell her she’s the most interesting person I know. You never know what’s going to happen when Tanslie’s around. One second she’s a wallflower, the next she’s a killing machine. She’s the most detached of us all. It has something to do with the fact that her best friend was killed by an Afilia. She had to sit and watch while her best friend was torn apart. So all the killing is like redemption for her. I think it’s just an outlet for all the anger she holds inside of her. That leaves me, Wyndegan, also known as Wynn. I’m the leader of the Ezilis. I don’t have a mysterious past or a reason to do what I do. I just do it because it needs to be done. It’s my job to keep my team together, to keep the emotions from running high, and to keep us from getting killed. It’s on our shoulders to save a world beyond help and yet people still have so much hope…So much hope that it makes me sick. Don’t they know that hope won’t help them when we decide to disappear? Welcome to my nightmare.

~nariel~

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Sat Nov 08, 2008 2:19 pm

~nariel~ says... · Sat Nov 08, 2008 2:19 pm

Chosenofair: It's okay, no hurt feelings. Now, that I look back on it, my character has this 'woe is me' kind of voice. Ack, it wasn't what I was looking for. Thank you for your honest review.

livs: Thanks you for your honest review too.

Nariel

It's the very witching time of night.

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ashleylee

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Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:14 pm

ashleylee says... · Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:14 pm

Yes, info-dump it was. But I kind of liked it like that :wink:

It was an interesting introduction. It kept me wondering about the lives of these four people. I do have a few questions/concerns, however.

1. MC; is he a boy or a girl because I couldn't really tell. I was leaning on boy but... I'm not sure. You have to really stress that here, so the reader doesn't get confused.

2. World; I thought you did good with the people, but we know almost nothing about the World they live in. What is it like? Description, and everything needs to be included for the reader to really get hooked.

3. Stephen King; All right, this is a really common knowledge of people today, who this person is. But if this world is Earth millions of years later... would they know about Stephen King? I don't know... that fact just stood out to me too much.

Otherwise, I feel like you have a good start!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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tay_star92

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Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:07 am

tay_star92 says... · Tue Nov 11, 2008 2:07 am

I liked it>>>

The story was different and not something you would see everyday. Yes there was some info-dumping but it didn't weigh the prologue down that much. The intro is captivating and though some words (such as 'killing') are overused the rest is pretty good. I'd love to see some more!!!

MUCHO LOV3!!!!

~*gR3ATN3SS iS m3ASUR3D bY yOU*~

~* gR3ATN3SS iS m3ASUR3D bY yOU *~
~*tAY StAR*~

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Somac

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Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:05 am

Somac says... · Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:05 am

This does seem to be an info dump, but I think you could use this. Rather than keeping it a prologue, cut it up and weave this all into the text of chapter one. That way, you can balance the info-sharing while also pushing some current conflict.

Maybe start the characters on the run (or hunt) or something.. and then have Wynn reflect on each of his friends? I think you've got the characterization down pat, so it's time to start putting the characters into a setting. Good job!

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ratdragoon

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Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:00 pm

ratdragoon says... · Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:00 pm

I like it, it got my attention quickly, but I agree with other repliers that you could just merge the introductions into the first few chapters. Or at least include some action to maintain the reader's attention during the prologue, and you can use the action to show characteristics instead of just telling.

Keep it up, this could be the start of somthign great!

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