Going Back

Yeah, I know this is really short and I'm kinda info dumping about each of the characters, but I thought it would be easier just to introduce them in the prologue. Ideas? Suggestions? I just thought I'd get it out here.

Nariel

Prologue: Welcome to My Nightmare

There’s something big happening and the world is looking around for help. But sadly, there won’t be help for long. There’s only so much we can do. In the end, we’ll just have to disappear like the rest.

There are four of us: Tanslie, Jaye, Salem, and me. We’re all part of a larger group called the Ezilis, meaning blood. Ominous, I know. But, it fits our description. We hunt Afilias, monsters that bear many qualities of a butterfly. Think oversized fairies. But they aren’t the creatures of fairy tales. They’re ugly, deformed beasts; something you’d see in a Stephen King book. It’s something that would give you nightmares for months. That’s why it’s hard for everyone in the Ezilis, especially Jaye.

I think she takes it harder than the rest of us, but that’s probably because she’s still fifteen and innocent. When you lose your innocence, that’s when killing just becomes killing. It’s never anything else when you’ve lost your innocence. Jaye still needs to lose that innocence inside of her. When she does, I have the confidence that she’ll be so much better at what we all do to survive.

Salem is much the same, except he does better at hiding it. I think he lost some of his innocence before I even met him. Salem doesn’t talk much, but that makes him better at going undetected. Jaye worries a lot about him, Salem doesn’t understand though. I do. She loves him. But, all those teenage hormones inside her make her a coward when it comes to love.

Tanslie…You really don’t know when she’s around. She thinks it’s because she’s boring, but I try to tell her she’s the most interesting person I know. You never know what’s going to happen when Tanslie’s around. One second she’s a wallflower, the next she’s a killing machine. She’s the most detached of us all. It has something to do with the fact that her best friend was killed by an Afilia. She had to sit and watch while her best friend was torn apart. So all the killing is like redemption for her. I think it’s just an outlet for all the anger she holds inside of her.

That leaves me, Wyndegan, also known as Wynn. I’m the leader of the Ezilis. I don’t have a mysterious past or a reason to do what I do. I just do it because it needs to be done. It’s my job to keep my team together, to keep the emotions from running high, and to keep us from getting killed.

It’s on our shoulders to save a world beyond help and yet people still have so much hope…So much hope that it makes me sick. Don’t they know that hope won’t help them when we decide to disappear?

Welcome to my nightmare.

This is well-written, and I didn't notice any major grammar/spelling errors, but...

You're right; this is basically an info-dump. While I understand it's necessary to introduce these characters, is it not possible to do it in the main narrative? Most novels don't have a prologue info-dumping on their characters; they incorporate descriptions and biographies into the narrative itself. Same goes for background information on your world. In fact, my head started to spin while I was reading this because I was getting hit with so much information so fast--and none of it was sticking. It'd be better to split up all this information and disperse it at a slow and steady pace throughout the first few chapters of your story; not only is it more natural but it's also easier on the reader.

I like the almost fatalistic voice of the main character, and the characters/world you've created seem compelling. All the same, though, this whole chapter's basically unnecessary. Delete it and work in the character and worldbuilding details into the story proper.

Be sure to alert me when you post more, because this definitely seems like it'll be intriguing!

Well, what you have here is, as you said, just info on all the main characters. While I suppose a prologue can be used to set up a story by giving the basic info, you haven't included much about the setting. Sure, we've got characters who kill some creatures, we know that there's something big happening and the world knows it. Beyond all that, we don't really know anything. A prologue works best, in my opinion, if it can set the story up with a few short events and draw you into the story, while giving info at the same time.

That aside, it's nice. It's written well, and I get a clear image of an introspective leader; a good leader, too, in that he's taken it upon himself to understand all his teammates, but possibly a bit morbid to be in the leading position. After all, it can get difficult to lead when you think your cause is lost.

Well, keep it up in the story proper.

I guess my main question is do you really need this prologue? Why? Sure, it's easier on you, but it's a heck of a lot harder on the reader. Being introduced to MCs in an infodump is rather like going to a party, meeting some couple dozen guests, and being expected to remember their names, occupations, and favorite colors.

What is really gained by having this prologue? What is the purpose of it? Until those questions are answered, it's very difficult to discuss the prose in a meaningful way.

~Annie

Thanks for commenting! I understand now that I basically info dumped *face palm* I should have known better. Thanks again and I'll work harder at spreading all this stuff out.

~N~

Hey, Nariel

This is the first thing i have read by you since i added you as my friend but I really liked it its like kinda like a good fantasy not one of those ones that like stinks with like actors that you don't know or a book you have never heard of but you look at the reviews and it stinks so I LOVED IT even though you just threw it down i think you did a nice job with the characters and how i knew what part of there personality was anyway Good Job and keep writing



GAVES U A STARZORZ =D lol

This was most definately an info dump, but its a prologue after all. I like your descriptions. There is one thing that really irks me though. I don't know hy. I think that you should change Stephen King book, to Stephan King novel. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does.
Your grammar and punctuation was good, and your post was just the right leength.
INteresting, I wonder what happens. Great job, good luck, and keep writing.

Hello, Nariel. I'm going to critique your work. :D:D

There’s something big happening and the world is looking around for help.

Hm. I suggest you expound; it sounds like they don't know what's going to happen, so, maybe you could put that in there, i.e. "Something big is happening- do they expect us to do something? Why do they always do that?" etc.

In the end, we’ll just have to disappear like the rest.

The rest of who?

We’re all part of a larger group called the Ezilis, meaning blood.

The bold is irrelevant at this point. To make the Ezilis more personal, you could have a flashback, or have them talk about it.

We hunt Afilias, monsters that bear many qualities of a butterfly.

Hm. 'Afilias' sounds very similar to 'Ezilis,' so it's a little confusing. Also, having the creatures similar to butterflies is a little anticlimatic. Perhaps if you just give them insect qualities, describe how savage the creatures are.

I think she takes it harder than the rest of us, but that’s probably because she’s still fifteen and innocent.

What makes her innocent? Give us an example; not every fifteen year old is innocent.

When you lose your innocence, that’s when killing just becomes killing. It’s never anything else when you’ve lost your innocence.

Maybe it still means something to her, and that makes Jaye seem more 'innocent.'

Jaye still needs to lose that innocence inside of her. When she does, I have the confidence that she’ll be so much better at what we all do to survive.

How would 'losing her innocence' make her better?

Instead of having a paragraph about each character, just add some things about them throughout the piece, i.e., "Whenever Tanslie said that, her past really showed through." or something.

That leaves me, Wyndegan, also known as Wynn. I’m the leader of the Ezilis. I don’t have a mysterious past or a reason to do what I do. I just do it because it needs to be done. It’s my job to keep my team together, to keep the emotions from running high, and to keep us from getting killed.

This is really good for your character. She really shines through here; straightforward, down to earth. She sounds real, and I like that.

It’s on our shoulders to save a world beyond help and yet people still have so much hope…So much hope that it makes me sick. Don’t they know that hope won’t help them when we decide to disappear?

Why do they have to disappear? Maybe you could have them teach the people to defend themselves...?
I suggest that you stick these people in a situation where they must act. Someone comes to them, they're forced to do something because of the expectation, anything! The other characters aren't doing anything; why is that?
Just some things to mull over. Otherwise, please keep writing. :D If you need anything, toss me a PM.

*Seraph*

NITPICKS:

I think she takes it harder than the rest of us, but that’s probably because she’s still fifteen and innocent. When you lose your innocence, that’s when killing just becomes killing. It’s never anything else when you’ve lost your innocence. Jaye still needs to lose that innocence inside of her.

This whole thing is too repetitive. You say the word 'innocence' in every single setntence, and then once again in the next paragraph. Either find a synonym for the word, or cut back.

Salem doesn’t talk much, but that makes him better at going undetected.

Going where? Doing what? Too vague. Explain/describe to us what Salem really does with this quirk.

It has something to do with the fact that her best friend was killed by an Afilia

Just something? I would have thought everything. Wouldn't watching someone you love being killed be pretty tramautic? Just a thought.


COMMENTS:

Your MC's narrative is too bland, too detatched, as if he doesn't care about anything. And that's not good, because if he doesn't care about the fate of the world, then we as the readers won't either.

I don't think it's realistic that he's risking his life and doing what he's doing to just 'get the job done' or whatever. I think this guy needs to have a scar in his past, something horrible that keeps him driven and determined, you know?

And while everyone else thought this was a big, bad infor dump, I think you could work around that. Just begin the plot, and while you're introducing the charachters one by one, with their dialogue or their actions, SLOWLY give us this info.

All in all, you've got a good idea. You just need a solid beginning to get going on it. Keep writing.

KJ

Hooked from the start, and the info dump didn't even bother me that much. pm when chap ones up.

Wow. I didn't expect this much feedback. Thank you all for your helpful reviews. I don't know when I'm going to be starting this up again. I just kind of threw it out there.

And yes, now I do know that this is an info dump

Thank you thank you thank you again and again! You don't know how much I appreciate it.

Nariel

well this is very interesting. I like it that you described the characters in the prologue. SAves a lot of time. Don't worry I write short prologues too. I am now interested so you will be seeing more reviews. ^_^

I didn't really like it. It was good, and has some nice grammar detailing, but I didn't get any connections out of it. Yes, your narrator had a "voice", but it seemed like their character came from a template, like something that said "Tragically heroic characters should be this way". It seems like every ero that has to rise to some insanely important occasion has no memories, or someone in their past died, or something. I'm not saying that I don't do that, because the two main characters in my book both have people close to them that died, but it's how you work it into the story and how it affects their decisions, not just, "Oh, they died, I want revenge." It's why they want revenge, how they're going to get their revenge, and how do they feel about dealing it out.
The storyline itself was vaguely interesting, but it could do with some more detail. For instance, are there more Ezilis, or are they the only four? What is the big problem with Afilias? And is innocence really that important?
Also, try to have dialogue between the characters to strengthen their own voices. Sure, we know who the narrator is, but do we know anyone else yet? Personally? I understand this is merely a prologue, but dialogue, even in a prologue, is critical for developing the characters and advancing the plot of a story.
Not to be too harsh or anything, but this piece needs a bit of creative polish. It's fairly original, if you just want to look at the names and such. But, the idea of a group of special kids fighting some dangerous foe is extremely common. I even have that idea in my book, to some extent, and my short story series definitely goes into that territory. Nonetheless, try to keep an original idea when you're writing.

Sorry if this made you feel bad. I just like giving people detailed descriptions on how they can make it better.

I didn't really like it. It was good, and has some nice grammar detailing, but I didn't get any connections out of it. Yes, your narrator had a "voice", but it seemed like their character came from a template, like something that said "Tragically heroic characters should be this way". It seems like every ero that has to rise to some insanely important occasion has no memories, or someone in their past died, or something. I'm not saying that I don't do that, because the two main characters in my book both have people close to them that died, but it's how you work it into the story and how it affects their decisions, not just, "Oh, they died, I want revenge." It's why they want revenge, how they're going to get their revenge, and how do they feel about dealing it out.
The storyline itself was vaguely interesting, but it could do with some more detail. For instance, are there more Ezilis, or are they the only four? What is the big problem with Afilias? And is innocence really that important?
Also, try to have dialogue between the characters to strengthen their own voices. Sure, we know who the narrator is, but do we know anyone else yet? Personally? I understand this is merely a prologue, but dialogue, even in a prologue, is critical for developing the characters and advancing the plot of a story.
Not to be too harsh or anything, but this piece needs a bit of creative polish. It's fairly original, if you just want to look at the names and such. But, the idea of a group of special kids fighting some dangerous foe is extremely common. I even have that idea in my book, to some extent, and my short story series definitely goes into that territory. Nonetheless, try to keep an original idea when you're writing.

Sorry if this made you feel bad. I just like giving people detailed descriptions on how they can make it better.

I think overall it was ok. It just seemed a little blah. I guess what Im trying to say is that you dont really get me to want to read more. The plot I think is really really cool but maybe you can just not be so descriptive on the characters and more on what their group does and why the world came to get this way.