Keepers of The Peace

Sereen Had just arrived at her Grandmothers house. It was the day after her 20th birthday so she went to see her Grandmother."Grandmother Tonia" she
called in the small but cozy cabin. She walked inside.

"I'm in here her" Grandmother called back .Sereen walked through the cabin that smelled of roses and warm bread.she found her grandmother in the study.



"Sereen" she gave her grand mother a hug and her grandmother told her happy birthday. Sereen took off the hood of her traveling cloak exposing her dark red hair.Sereen took off the cloak and laid in one of the four comforter chairs in the room."did you come with your brother?" Grandmother Tonia
asked "Yes he just went to the stables out back to tie up the horses."

Sereen sat in front of the desk in the chair across from her Grandmother and because of her green eyes and hair color she resembled her a lot.She looked around the room to find portraits of her Grandfather.It was his study they were sitting in. Sereen realized the reason her grandmother must've been i. here.To remember him Sereen was only 15 when he died.

"I have something for you"her Grandmother said. She had taken a red velvet box off one of the mantels behind the desk and put it on the table.She opened it and the most beautiful of amulets was taken out.It was in the shape of a twinkling star silver with a large red stone in the middle."Oh grandmother,Its beautiful.It looks just like the Amulet that belongs to the humans, from that story The Star of Freedom.""You remember." her grandmother said "How can I not." Sereen said. She stood up and walked across the room and looked out of the window.

"Two Decades since it all began a tragic war between earths creatures and man.Halfling are the peace they claim,Upset them not if your fear magic rain.Asiyan Forces Of stealth and strength.Rulers of the east and the Naga's length.Furosiyan Warriors arrogant but bold.The braver they are there egos grow.The lunar eclipse when the moon grew faint it fell from the sky as if it were fate.Freedom Freedom Freedom they call ,even the universe herself wants to end this war.By this attempt to try for peace,to end the war they all agreed.The star split in four, maidens they plead! One Human one Furosiyan One Asiyan and One Halfling.to bring peace where ever they are to keep the peace that ended the war."

"That was beautiful Sereen" her Grandmother told her she put the amulet around Sereen's neck."I cant believe you had one made for me."She said looking at it."Oh i did not have one made."Sereen turned around to look at her Grandmother."What do you mean" Sereen said "it was a gift?"
"No it was not." her grand mother said walking over to the box.
Sereen starred at her grandmother she didn't want to say what she was thinking because what she was thinking couldn't be true.
"I've had it for 40 years as did my grandmother before me."

"You mean" Sereen said starring at the amulet "this is the real..."

"Yes its the real amulet with the real Star."

"Oh gosh!"

Sereen's mind went into panic. She tried to take it off but it wouldn't come off.

"You cant take it off" Her Grandmother said
"because your Its new Keeper.You must give the amulet to your Grand daughter on her twentieth birthday"

".No i don't want to be a keeper of the peace....Sereen said still attempting to take the amulet off.

" I cant even keep the peace between me and my Brother!"

"Sereen you must go to the Hands of faith and take your rightful place as a Keeper,you will do fine."
Her grandmother took her hand and looked at her.it calmed Sereen down.

"I could not have asked for a better granddaughter."

Sereen let out a sigh."How did you get it off ?"
"it came of on your Birthday yesterday which is why you are supposed to wear it now."
Sereen looked at the amulet then at her grand mother. She was living a fairytale a story told to her as a child.Now it suddenly made sense in the history books the keepers shes always reading about they were the keepers of the peace.
"Sereen" her grandmother said "Go to Indou along the way you will meet the other keepers, but tell no one but them who you are understood."
"I cant" Sereen said sitting down.Her Grandmother Looked disappointed.

"Very Well if you don't want this there is way to get it off."her grand mother closed the velvet box."you still have to go to Faiths hands,there the amulet will know what you want and it will come off.'

"Sereen looked at her Grandmother she could tell she was disappointed but she knew she couldn't be a keeper she never takes on anything she knows shes not ready for.

"Grandmother Tonia when do i leave."

"You should leave now she said."

"You still should meet the other keepers they will help you go the rest of the way.go to the docks and they will take you to Shorm."
" Where the Halflings are?"
Sereen asked Yes her grand Mother replied.
"When you meet her you'll know who she is. Tell her I've come to meet the
Halfling half way.She will know to answer I am the Halfling you wish to meet.

"Wait!! "A voice said coming in

"What are you talking about grandmother."

"Seldon my Grandson go with your sister."
Sereen Looked at Seldon who was looking at her he must have come back from the stables and was listening to there conversation.
"But this is all so sudden grandmother she cant!"

"Which is why you must go and protect her."Here, this is your present it was your Grandfathers"
she said handing him a Sword the a weird symbol engraved in the handle.

"Now you must leave your running out of time!"

she rushed them out of the house and they set out on there horses to the docks.

Hello, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, I shall critique for you today...

Okay, you need some help with your grammar darling... comments and corrections in bold...

Sereen had just arrived at her grandmother's] house[b]. It was the day after her twentieth birthday so she wanted to her grandmother.
"Grandmother Tonia," she called in the small but cozy cabin she walked into.

"I'm in here," she called back.

Sereen walked through the cabin that smelled of roses and warm bread. She found her grandmother in the study. Sereen [s]she[/s] gave her grandmother a hug and her grandmother told her "Happy birthday. I have something for you," she said she had a red velvet box on the table she opened it and the most beautiful of amulets was taken out. "Oh grandmother, it's beautiful it looks just like the human amulet from the star of Freedom."

"You remember," her grandmother said.

"How can I not," Sereen said. She walked across the room and looked out of the window.

Okay, to be honest, that's as far as I could go. I skimmed the rest and you look like you have some really interesting story to tell, but you need to improve on how you tell it. You need to learn some simple punctuation.

-Full stops and commas. There is always a space after these, you seem to forget them. Look at the way I'm typing right now.

-Speech marks. My old friends.

Whenever you're writing something somebody is speaking, you use " "s. I've put them into your first paragraph, so I hope you get the idea. When somebody new starts speaking, you start a new line.

-Capital letters. I don't know, you seemed to scatter them around. They go at the beginning of sentences, and for the names and places. So Twentieth should just be twentieth.

Apart from that, I'm going to use the old cliché and say "Show us, don't tell us." Don't tell us that the amulet is the most beautiful one ever. Show us why it is. Describe it. You're writing in third person, but you still need to get close to your main character. Tell us more about Sereen and her grandmother. I liked how you engaged the senses and told us what the cottage smelt like. But do it more! Always be showing us what you see in your head when you write this.

So, keep writing!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

Okay. First off, grammer. The user above me pointed out most of that, so I'm going to go on. Second, you need to space when characters talk. Like this:

" Lola, will you please stop playing with your toys and come downstairs for dinner?" Mrs.Wilson let out a sigh.
" Mother, for the last time, they're not toys," Lola moaned, setting her doll down on her pillow case.

It makes it more easy to read, as hurts less on the eyes. ^.^ Lastly, the last paragraph seems a bit big. Perhaps put breaks? I mean, the plot seems fine and dandy, but in order to get yourself taken seriously, you need to practice on this sort of stuff. Although, once again, the plot is good. Oh, and I saw this:

Two decades since it all began a war between earths creatures and man

You'll either want to add more excitment, or seem more upset, depending on what you're going for. It's more interesting, and the reader will be lured in farther in the story.