Amarok

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Please crit :D:D:D:D:D:D

**
“You killed my horse.”

The unicorn looked up at her, licking it’s chops. Liesl gazed back, painfully aware of the creature’s predatory eyes. It yawned, then spoke.

“First of all, let’s get a couple things straight. I am not a unicorn. So please stop thinking of me as one. Second, you need to come with me.”

“You just killed my horse!”

“Yes, and she was delicious. My compliments to the chef.”

Liesl turned from him, tears stinging her eyes. How could he say that? She had worked so hard to get the mare, and now-

“Look, I wasn’t trying to be rude, alright? It’s just that- well, I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, and you just appeared in front of me, so-”

“Why didn’t you eat something else?” She snapped, her vision blurring. The creature blew out his breath, settling on his haunches.

“Since you haven’t read the news lately,” he replied coldly, “I’ll fill you in. The forests are empty. Even the smaller creatures are gone. Your domestic animals were the only thing that couldn‘t flee-”

“Liesl? Where are you?”

Liesl whipped around. She had completely forgotten about Trace and Hanna. She had to think of something. They would totally freak if they saw the unicorn thing and her dead horse-

“Liesl, we‘ve been all over looking for-”

Hanna broke off, staring passed her. Liesl sighed. It was too late. With the carnage behind her, it was obvious what had happened. She was about to make some lame excuse when Trace spoke up.

“Who are you?”

Liesl turned, confused by her friend’s statement. She was expecting more of a ‘what are you, what happened to the horse’ sort of thing. Instead of the Unicorn and her horse, there was good looking dark kid standing there. He flashed a smile.

“Hi. I’m Kissermiortok.”

“What kind of name is that?”

“Better than yours.” The boy stated, folding his arms. “At lease mine means something, Trace.”

“Who is this jerk, Liesl?”

“I’m her boyfriend, from… Alaska.”

“Liesl doesn’t have a boyfriend.” Hanna stated frostily. “And you don’t look Alaskan.”

“Proves how much you know, Hanna.” Kissermiortok replied steadily, “Since you’ve never seen an Alaskan-”

“Alright, knock it off!” Liesl yelled, stepping between her friends and the boy. “Trace, Hanna, go back to the stable. Kissermoi… uh, Kisser and I need to talk.” Without a word, Hanna and Trace turned their mounts and trotted back towards the stable. Liesl turned to the boy next to her.

“My boyfriend? What were you thinking?”

“I was trying to cover for you.”

“Why didn’t you say something else? Like my cousin, or-”

“Because you don’t have a cousin Liesl. Your mother is an only child and everyone on you father’s side is-” He broke off, looking away. Liesl gaped at him.

“How did you-”

“Never mind,” He replied, walking towards the stable. “I buried your horse while you were gawking down the path earlier. You’re lucky I am a quick digger.” He turned cool blue eyes on her. “Lets go to the stable now.”

“How do I know that you won’t eat the other horses?”

“I just ate.” At the look on her face, he added, “There would be no point in turning into my other form now, since we would have to think of an excuse as to why your ‘boyfriend’ suddenly disappeared. Anyway,” He yawned, “Let’s go. I need to rest before we leave.”

Liesl nodded her agreement, too weary to argue. Everything had been rather hectic that day. She was surprised that she hadn’t collapsed with exhaustion.

“Okay. Let’s go.”
Last edited by SeraphTree on Sun Dec 09, 2007 5:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Nice. I'm assuming there's more coming, it doesn't seem quite finsihed to me.

I think you need more description. You didn't say much about where they were, so I was imagining a forest, but when you said 'path', it seemed a bit off.

Also, we have no idea what the characters look like.

"First of all, let's get a couple things straight. I am not a unicorn.


This line threw me. If he's not a unicorn, what is he? A shape shifter, maybe. That needs to be explained.

Hanna broke off, staring passed her.


Hanna broke off, staring past her.

I've read better, but I would like to read more if you post more. If you edit this and want another crit, just ask and I'll critique the updated version. Or when you post more, if that happens.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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“First of all, let’s get a couple things straight. I am not a unicorn. So please stop thinking of me as one. Second, you need to come with me.”

I don't see why this needs to be explained. What the creature looks like is not relevant at this point in time. :D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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This story... does not make sense.

1. Why would the character be so dismissive? She has apparently been put into a fantasy scenery and her biggest concern is that this unicorn ate her horse? Um... if I were that girl, my biggest priority would be to make sure that unicorn thingy wouldn't eat ME.

2. Then you have this guy come up to her with The Killer Unicorn, and he seems unfazed?

3. And... what in the world is happening????

I understand being dumped into the story to make the reader want to read more, but this seems completely random. Start off a little sooner or explain yourself better. This is... too weird.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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2. Then you have this guy come up to her with The Killer Unicorn, and he seems unfazed?

Instead of the Unicorn and her horse, there was good looking dark kid standing there. He flashed a smile

I'm sorry, I forgot this was a segment.
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Hey there! Nice job. I like this concept, and Kissermiortok cracks me up. The story seemed interesting and I can't wait to find out what happens next, and get an explanation for what has happened already.

I did think one thing was a little strange: Why weren't Trace and Hanna surprised when Kissermiortok knew their names...? Lisel was all surprised when he knew about her, but Trace and Hanna don't seem shocked at all. 'Course, that may be related to your plot, so its fine if it is.

Nice job overall. ^_^ I really like your writing.
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The part about whether or not he actually is a Unicorn seemed a bit strange. Also, I found myself wanting to know more about the environment. However, you have an interesting writing style so keep going with it!




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Haha! This is amazing!

It's so wonderfully demented and random--absolutely perfect. Your characters are realistic and funny, and your first sentence is just about as gripping as they come. Personally, I don't think you need more description. I'm attracted to short paragraphs and dialogue.

I can't wait to read more!
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Thank you all for your crits. I will clarify and give more background :D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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I like this piece. It's funny and very witty, you've captured the characters well.

My only suggestion would be to repeat the others, it needs a little more description and what not to pad it out.

A great start, keep it up. Kudos.

(Also, a unicorn ate her horse, haha! That's genious)



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